When will it stop?

I need to get back on track. I need to truly acknowledge I can't ever place another bet. Not even a penny. I need to stop feeding into the monster and thinking "Oh, it's ok to play a few bucks, you haven't gambled in a couple weeks " It always ends in a depressing binge filled with self despair. I could win a million bucks tonight and I'd lose every penny plus whatever money was left in my bank account.

I don't want to live this way. I've nearly maxed out every credit card and completely emptied my bank account. Right now I'm walking everywhere because I can't afford to fix my vehicle. I'm thankful I still have a good job.

I'm done blaming myself and living in self hatred. I screwed up. I screwed up really bad, but I'm not dead. I still have a chance. I'm not going to forget the past, but I'm not going to obsess over it. Today is day 2 for me. Please pray for me.

You have all the chances you want HH .

Your post could have been made by me 4 years ago . I relapsed countless times , often less than 24 hours after I vowed never to gamble again . I wasn't successful until I realized exactly what I was up against and took aggressive , defensive action against the addiction .

You're still fighting . That takes strength and courage , even if you feel like you have neither of those things right now . Make a battle plan - list of things to do when the urges hit , roadblocks to stop you from accessing gambling and cash . Sit down and list all of your debt and expenses , then draw up a solid plan for dealing with them . Self exclude from your gambling venue .

This is a battle , make no mistake . You need to be armed and ready . This addiction does not give up without a fight .

Post here whenever you need encouragement and motivation . Post if you're struggling . We'll be here for you and you can do this .

Reading this is pretty tough. I was doing ok then I kind of isolated myself during the pandemic and let the addiction take over. I kind of just quit trying to beat it. Just became numb. Just existed. Stopped setting goals. Stopped believing I could change.

I didn't want to reread this thread. But I don't want to give up.

Don't give up - I was the same, came back last year started reading, relapsed. Stopped for almost 6 months this year, then relapsed again. Now almost at 30 days again. Look at my username - 2014!! The pandemic wiped me out as well.

It should teach us that we can never go back to gambling anything - not even a lotto ticket. But we are stubborn and unfortunately we must learn the hard way....but don't ever give up - perhaps it's time for a different strategy. Are you in GA? Counselling? Someone in your position should not even have access to cash, so try and get all of that locked away.

The moral of the story is the monster never truly dies - it's always there, waiting in the corner doing pushups constantly looking at you, waiting for the opportunity where you get complacent and throw it some crumbs. You must not entertain the thought of gambling on any level - practice identifying those thoughts and immediately replace with them with the dread of another loss, always remind yourself the price of placing that one bet. It never ends there and you know it.

Welcome back Happyhunter , I'm glad to see you and I'm very glad to see you have not given up . Coming back to the forum is proof of that . Coming back after a period of relapse may not feel like a victory but it is . There is something in you that knows if you keep fighting , there is still hope .

Recovery is rarely "one-and-done" . Relapse , as painful as it is , can teach us what triggers us to gamble again and how to deal with it in a healthier way . Every day is a new chance to not gamble anymore .

movingon2014 wrote:The moral of the story is the monster never truly dies - it's always there, waiting in the corner doing pushups constantly looking at you, waiting for the opportunity where you get complacent and throw it some crumbs.

Truer words were never spoken . This is a lifelong journey but falling off the wagon does not mean the wagon continues on without you . It's waiting there for you to get back on . Learn from your past and move forward into your future . You are the one who decides what that future will be .

You can do this .

I think maybe subconsciously I think I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe I don't. I don't know. I don't even know if I remember what being happy feels like anymore.

Sending you a gentle hug , if you would like one .

Yes , you deserve to be happy . And healthy , and safe and loved . We all deserve those things .
I don't know where you are in your recovery journey right now but if you are struggling , we're here for you . We've been there too . It's a moment in time and that moment will pass .

Be strong and have hope . Every new day is a chance to make your life the way you want it to be .

You can do this !