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I've had enough

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I've had enough

Postby Losernomore44 » Sun Jul 17, 2016 2:43 pm

Hello all, this is my first post as today is day 1 for me. I am a slot machine addict and have decided that I've finally had enough. I have been a "social" gambler for years, but was always able to keep it in check. Mostly played in destination spots while traveling. 6 years ago a casino opened in my city and since then my "habit" has turned into an addiction. I started out going with friends, my boyfriend, coworkers, mostly social. I had a lot of jackpot wins early on which created that feeling of needing to go back more and more. I have been very fortunate in my life and have a great job, great friends and family and a BF that I truly love. For whatever reason I created this secret life for myself where I started going to the casino on my own. I would go during work hours, (I have flexibility) and in the evening when I felt like I "deserved" it because I had a hectic day. Over the past 3-4 years I have gotten myself in a significant amount of debt by maxing out credit cards so that I could use my entire paycheck at the slots, which sounds so pathetic as I'm writing it. I am here I hopes that this this first step of accountability will give me strength and insight into staying bet free. I have tried to figure out the "why" behind my problem and am still inthat process. What I have identified is that I definitely have triggers that I am recognizing and acknowledging. My wonderful (not) casino has made me feel so special over the years. I have platinum status and also a personal concierge! Wow lucky me! No, not at all. They rope me in with "free play" and what a joke that is. Nothing that free has ever cost me so much in my life. I get texts and emails reminding me of VIP special events and parties, which I would respond and plan my days around, and therefor the number of events I have missed out on is so sad. I also had started to chase my losses. I believed that I could get back what I lost the day, week, month before by going more and upping my bets, surely this stupid machine has to hit soon, the jackpot is "due". Ugh when I think of how ridiculous that all is. I finally had a reality check that enough is enough. I have been praying to God to ask him to take this life sucking addiction away from me and I believe that he has answered. Yesterday I canceled my free play, ripped up all offers, requested they not send me any correspondence and I am feeling strong. I know it's only day one but my head seems clearer than it has in quite a while. For me my strategy is going to be one day at a time. I know I will have to alter my schedule and my whole thought process but I feel ready to do it. I know in the normal part of my brain that this is no way to live. I deserve so much more than I've been giving myself and it stops now. I am going to get out of debt, which seems realistically impossible, but I am going to commit to doing it. I am going to be nice to myself too. I think we have all been so hard on ourselves because we have gotten ourselves into this situation without anyone to blame. But that is not the way I will get to a better place. I have read some of others strategies and suggestions and I am going to take them. I will pay my bills the day I get paid and leave myself just what I need. I canceled my cash advance ability so when I actually have credit back on my card it won't tempt me. The bottom line is I Am going to do every single thing within my power to end this hell I've been in. I will pray every day and I will do it. I'm putting it out there so that it is real ( even if I'm anonymous and so is everyone else:) so I ask you all to pray for me as I will for you, send me positive vibes, whatever works. I have definitely had enough "fun". Thank you
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Re: I've had enough

Postby NewSunRising » Mon Jul 18, 2016 1:18 am

Welcome Losernomore44 ,

I could have written your story . I am a woman , addicted to slot machines for over 7 years . It led me into massive debt and despair . I relapsed countless times in my struggle to be free of this insanity .

There is hope and there is healing . You have taken good , positive steps in your decision to free yourself from the grip of this disease . Be prepared for battle . The addiction will not go away quietly and it will fight like a demon to remain alive , fed and in control .

If you have not done so already , I recommend that you tell someone in real life that you are struggling with this . Having someone to support you can be invaluable . The addiction thrives in the dark , it wants and needs to remain a secret . If no one knows you're doing it , no one can help you stop .

You can do this ! I am currently over 18 months Gamble-free . It was brutally hard in the beginning but like you , I made a battle plan and searched for ways to fight the urges . I tried everything and kept the methods that worked . The Strategies thread has good advice from others who have found ways to defeat the urges .

A big part of the battle is acceptance . I have accepted the fact that I can never gamble again . I have come to recognize the lies that the addiction tells me , in order to lure me back into the trap . I have accepted that it will never stop trying to regain the power over me that it once had .
I have come to the point where I control my urges , they do not control me . That is the measure of my success . I am not "cured" . That is not a word I can ever apply to myself . But today , I am the person who makes the decisions , not the mindless , destructive compulsion within me .

Please keep posting here for support and encouragement - we will help you in any way we can .
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Re: I've had enough

Postby Losernomore44 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:41 pm

Hello NewSun,

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to me. I read your post many times and really let it sink in. First off it is good to know that someone gets what I am saying. While I am sorry to hear that you lived my same sad story, there is some comfort in knowing that someone has been there and got out.

I definitely believe and know that this will be a battle to say the least. Trust me, already today I am struggling with fighting the old routine that I had for Monday's. I changed my day around to mix up the pattern but I am prepared for a battle. I was a smoker for 20 years and "quit" multiple times. It was always hard. I had the same love hate relationship with smoking as I did gambling. May times I thought I was clear and free and could just have one. It led to me restarting many times. I know this is the same. I will not be able to play ever again. What worries me is that the method that finally worked for me to stop smoking was hypnosis! I looked into it for gambling but can't seem to find anyone that does it. I actually never thought hypnosis would work on me but it has. I have not touched a cigarette in over 5 years and physically could not bring myself to today. Anyway, my point is that I know this addiction is just as suffocating as that one and it has to stop completely. Thank you for that reminder.

As far as telling someone, I am not quite there yet. I know that you are right and I realize the benefit to that. I am just not quite ready for that. I honestly can't even picture myself doing that. It has always been very difficult for me to ask for help and I have historically handled things "on my own". The thought of burdening someone in my life with that information sounds so painful. I have to think about that but I do get it.

I will continue I come here for support. I find comfort in knowing that I can read others story and relate, and hopefully others can read mine too and know it's not just them.

I made it through yesterday and my goal is to mAke it through today! I deleted all of the "free slot games" on my computer and phone and have made a list of things I want to accomplish around my house and in my life. One day at a time!!

Thanks again NewSun and anyone else who is supporting my and all of our recovery and healing!
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Re: I've had enough

Postby 58gambling » Mon Jul 18, 2016 2:41 pm

Hi LNM: My first thought after reading your story and your resolve to quit was what NSR has already suggested. I think you need to let someone know of your addiction and thus become ACCOUNTABLE to somebody. Someone you might call when the urge appears and maybe deter you from going again.
This is a method they use at GA; some other member of GA gives you their phone number to call when the urge comes around. I believe this is critically important. As has been discussed before on this forum, part of the strength of the gambling addiction is its secrecy; as long as no one else knows but ourselves, makes it easy to continue.

As to your statement about not knowing why this became a problem, regarding the slot machines, I have my own theory about that. In the study of psychology, a man named Pavlov proved a process called classical conditioning. Many are familiar with the experiment he did with feeding a dog and ringing a bell at the same time. He also proved that humans are susceptible to this sort of conditioning as well. If a favorable stimulus (winning a small jackpot) is provided, the response will be to return for more. Another stimulus provided in the casinos can be various elements which involve subliminal stimuli; things which affect our subconscious to make us want to go back again and again. You better believe the casino employs these methods to attract and retain gamblers.

Lastly, I suggest you start re-phrasing your thoughts the next time you think about going back.
Instead of thinking, "why don't I go back and try to win some money back"..........replace that phrase with, "why don't I go back and LOSE SOME MORE MONEY".......because that will be closer to the truth of what will happen.
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Re: I've had enough

Postby NewSunRising » Tue Jul 19, 2016 9:24 am

Good points from 58gambling . Here's a few things that worked for me ( also in the Strategies thread ) .

I stopped referring to gambling as "playing" . That word seems to imply a kind of harmlessness about what we have been doing . Replacing it with the word "gambling" doesn't sound so fun and innocent . For me , saying " I think I'll go and gamble for a few hours ." really reduced the appeal of the idea .

I used a hypnosis video I found on a web search . You can PM me if you want the link , but I believe it was posted in the "Gamble Free Days " thread not too long ago .

Even saying to a friend " I'm not gambling anymore . It's becoming a problem ." was enough for me to feel like I had an ally if I really needed one . Like you , I do not easily reach out for help . The extent of my "problem" never really came into the conversation .

I gained great strength from that simple declaration and I felt the burden of keeping this thing a secret lessen immediately .

Stay strong , post often !
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Re: I've had enough

Postby Losernomore44 » Tue Jul 19, 2016 12:48 pm

Thanks so much 58 and NewSun, really good points from both. 58gambling, I totally agree with the whole Pavlov theory. While comparing myself to a dog isn't so fun, I do believe the psychology behind that. That is why I think it is absolutely necessary to reprogram my brain. I mentioned hypnosis before and I am interested in investigating that option more. NewSun I will take you up on that link and will pm you, I will take all of the (anonymous) help I can get. I don't mean to make light of that, but I do really struggle with sharing this with friends. I think I could follow your suggestion of saying, I'm not going there anymore, it's becoming a problem. That may be as far as I can go right now.....

This really is not easy. Yesterday the message in my head was "just go and use your free play, don't even take your ATM card, that way it's not even your money". I struggled all day and almost caved. Last night I shredded my players card. I can't lie, I didn't want to and I know I could go and get another but I did it. I forced myself to write out a debt payment plan and that was eye opening. Wow, to see the road ahead of me is daunting but I have no choice but to suck it up and address it.

You are so right that there is nothing fun and "playful" about this strangling addiction. It only leads to more loss and deeper holes.

Thanks again for your responses and encouragement.
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Re: I've had enough

Postby NewSunRising » Tue Jul 19, 2016 2:10 pm

Well done on staying strong !

Honestly , the first few months were really the worst for me . I had spent so long beating myself up for my inability to stop that I had to retrain myself to see my own self worth and the strength that I didn't think I had .

The addiction LIES . It tells us anything it can think of to keep itself alive - it whispers , it bargains , it cajoles and promises and when those things don't work , it screams . It tries to wear us down by bombarding our minds with non-stop urgings to go and gamble , in hopes that we will give in just to make it all stop .

Think of it as a toddler that has been denied the toy it really , really wants . The brain-tantrums can reach epic proportions .

Please keep this in mind : if you feed it , it will grow . If you starve it , it will die . The longer we stay away from gambling , the easier it becomes to deny the gambling urges .

You may experience physical withdrawal symptoms . I had vivid gambling dreams , headaches and weird body twitches for a while , but within my first two Gamble-free weeks , I was sleeping better , eating healthier and making plans for my future for the first time in years .

I celebrated my little victories over the addiction and relearned how to be proud of myself . Control of my life belongs to me , not to some mindless , parasitic compulsion .
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Re: I've had enough

Postby Losernomore44 » Tue Jul 19, 2016 11:30 pm

I would have to agree with every description you gave NewSun. This addiction is so tricky. It does lie and twist and consume. I am trying to ignore it as much as possible to not give it more energy and I a, scared that I am going to become obsessed with it and make it worse. I don't even know if that makes sense but I get the comment about starving it and not feeding it.

I guess every day will be a new day and have its challenges. I'm trying to stay as busy as I can and take care of ME. I am working to figure out what my "normal" is. A day without losing hours in the casino and being present in my life has not been the norm so I feel like I need to reset.

It does concern me that I have seen so many posts from people who wrote one message and then never posted again. I am doing this and will make it stick no matter what I have to do. I wonder how many other people felt the same way I did early on. Did it work and they moved on, or are they still fighting the fight?

I do find that I have been exhausted these past few days. Very low energy and sleeping like a log. I'm thinking that my head is wearing my body out! Thanks again for the support and encouragement.
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Re: I've had enough

Postby movingon2014 » Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:11 pm

The addiction is tricky because it's also progressive - the longer you gamble, the more you will lose and the bigger impact it will have on your life.

You need to make a firm commitment to stop, but you also need to be prepared to take real action. Identifying you have a problem is great, but you need to add some controls around your finances as well to ensure you don't ever really have access to additional funds outside core living expenses.

Also you need to be prepared for the dreaded relapse. Don't beat yourself up if/when you get one instead resolve to do better next time and add additional controls is needed.

Check out a book called the Easy Way to Stop Gambling by Allen Carr. I highly recommend it and many others have also found it helped.
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Re: I've had enough

Postby Losernomore44 » Thu Jul 21, 2016 12:36 am

Movingon2014 thanks for your post. I appreciate the suggestions for taking action to protect myself. You are right I know. I already prepaid my bills with the paycheck I get friday and am really trying to limit my opportunities to slip up right now. I cut up 2 cards and took away cash advance on the others. If there's no money then I can't go. One step at a time for me. I know that relapse is common and happens more than it doesn't, but I can't allow myself to prepare for that though because then I am allowing an out for myself. I have put my brain on lockdown so to say.

Thank you for the book referral. I already downloaded it and spent some time outside enjoying the beautiful weather and relaxing while reading the first few chapters. I like it so thank you very much!
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