Almost 20 gliding down fast

A post to my future self:

A lot has happened over the months.

Of course in my winning streak I was not able to let it go and continued. I went up and up and higher and higher and with this my tolerance to feed the addiction grew. Where 3 months ago I felt sick after a $100 loss, nowadays that just doesn't affect me anymore. The numbers grew and grew and at one point I was up at the point where I was when I had turned 18 (10k net worth). After that I promised myself to quit and got some 7 days streaks going, just to get right back at it again. I went into this huge depression phase where I had money, but still felt psychically sick of what I had at the top of my winning streak. At one point my balance was swinging about 10K up or down in a day and just than I felt a thrill.

Long story short, I am still just waiting to blow up again and there is nothing I can do. I am being honest here that yesterday I was just a little away from my imaginary stopping point at which I would pay off my debt, before losing 9k again. It feels like I just don't want me to hit that target, revising it up ever so slightly after hitting it again.

Last Friday I was extremely depressed and had constant suicidal thoughts after a huge loss, but after the weekend I was back on the road and hit my best week ever. Even when closing a week with a profit, that day where I lost only sticks out in my mind.

This addiction has grown to unbelievable levels and the emotional swings have grown to bigger peaks as well.

I don't know why I am writing this update, because it really doesn't serve any purpose other than update people on my situation. My debt is back at exactly $0 I don't have any money and don't owe any. I went back to 15k debt at one point and I was already feeling like I lost everything again. Losing this again would make me extremely suicidal and I still think that in 1 day, month or a year that will still be the inevitable outcome.

I had a meeting with the student psychologist and she really wanted to help me stop and I have less motivation to stop then ever before. The possibility of still having a shot at going higher keeps me going I guess. She wanted to help me tell my parents, but the more she pushed the more anxious I got.

I am living for the money right now, the constant calculations have calmed down a bit, but every loss feels like a million knifes stabbing me, while a win only feels like a slight tickle. My ego is based on my net worth and I still feel like $#%^.

Again not the story people wanted to hear, but the emotional problem of this addiction has grown to ungrounded territories, while the financial problem has faded for now (not in my mind). I know what I should do, but I am not in control and I am writing this here for my future self, which probably is at rock bottom again, to remind him that no win can ever stop this addiction.

Sorry, I will not be coming back here until I have at least 30 days GF under my belt again. I will be looking for professional help, but the willingness to stop has faded to an all time low.

You will find your strength Flanksy . You know you can't go on like this . There is hope and help out there when you are ready to take it . We are here for you as well . You don't need to wait to come here as success story . You are welcome anytime .

We all started at day one . Many of us more than once .

Hi flanksy and well done on your honesty.
If you can,forget the whole money stuff, what you won what you lost etc, it doesn't help us one bit.
It is only money, important obviously, but don't let it define you.
Stopping gambling and gaining some control over your addiction is what matters.
Keep us posted let us know how you are and I am wishing you all the strength you need to walk away from this addiction and to get your life back.

Thanks for the kind words Gran and NewSunRising

Well, as expected it didn't work out and just yesterday I lost 10k in 10 minutes, what a few months it have been. I didn't even get mad this time when I lost that crazy amount, which normally caused me a year of misery in the past.... I felt like it was a sword of Damocles hanging above my head the entire time.

I immediately emailed my broker asking them to terminate my account and not allowing me to ever open one again, they agreed and it was done within 2 hours.

I closed down everything now, but in my mind I am still restless, the money, total gambling losses, calculations keep going in my head. I cannot find peace with it and maybe I never will, but for the time being there are now no more options more to gamble.

I sincerely hope that time will heal my wounds and help me get back on my feet, these past 3 months I totally neglected every other aspect in life and slacked on a lot of things. I don't have the payday loop anymore which is something I guess. I can work from here and start focusing on the positive again. I will contact my general practitioner this week and tell him about my addiction so he can get me hooked up with professional help, this path is only leading to destruction for me.

I am still not saying that I have changed, because the losses are still fresh and that affects a gambler mindset in the short term, but remains blurry for the long term. I want to focus on university again so I can have at least have one less thing to stress about.

Sorry for rambling again, there are so many directions to take from this point again that I have lost my main goal in life, I feel like I am jumping from left to right and currently stuck on a road leading to nowhere, I have lost any purpose in life and am struggling to find it again...

Clarity will come , Flanksy . So will peace of mind , acceptance and self-forgiveness . It takes time .

You have done what you need to put your roadblocks in place . That alone is a tremendous help . Focus on short term goals for the present , until the gambling fogs clears . One thing is guaranteed - your future is 1000 times brighter now that gambling no longer has a place in it .

Well done !