Almost 20 gliding down fast

Hi,

I have been lurking on this forum for the past couple months and wanted to get my story of my chest.

I am now almost nearing 20 and have completely lost the meaning of money.

Let me start of by how I got addicted.

When I turned 16 I was allowed by my parents to get a trading account for stocks. At first I bought stocks but it went to slow for me. They gave me permission to trade in leveraged products ( Huge mistake by my parents ) and I soon lost around €1700 at the age of 16 which was basically all my money at the time. After that it was calm for a year or so, until I turned 17 when I opened a account at *name redacted* and started playing poker. I deposited all my money there and lost it all of course. I did some *name redacted* as well but this went wrong as well (my dad gave me €400 to 'gamble' with). Whenever I managed to not blow out the account in a week, I was literally obsessed by trading and had to watch the account every minute or so to not feel stressed out.

This is just the beginning of becoming a degenerate gambler . When I turned 18 I could play at every gamble site I wanted and opened an account with *name redacted*. It was pretty casual at first but at the summer of 2014 I emptied my whole account on there to play scratch cards. It was around €600. I kid you not on the last €10 I bought a ticket that costed €2,50 and won €10.000. This flamed the fire and the months following that big win I lost most of it on *name redacted* again and more scratch cards. But it kept my alive for half a year or so and got stable at around €2000 in my savings. This was the moment I kinda stopped gambling, but not for long. During 2015 I lost everything when I was in some kind of stressed period and just lost everything, while being in a somewhat different state of mind.

Now that I started at university I have the option to get €1000 from the government every month interest free. This racked up the last couple months and now I'm already €5000 in debt with the government. You have to pay it back after you finished your study and get 35 years to pay it of completely. This makes it really easy to see it as play money, but I know that it will rack up if I continue this way. I also have -€2000 on my bank account right while the limit is -€1000 and my credit card is also maxed out at -€1000. So if have a -€3000 debt with the bank. This totals my debt at -€8000 at this very moment.

The #######5 thing is that my parents still think I'm loaded with money since I told them about the €10000 I won ( stupid mistake by myself since I knew I would lose it anyway).

I have nothing to spend all month, every month.

I have to stop this stupid habit, but it is so damn hard when the credit card resets at the beginning of the month and gives me €1000 play money again. But if I stop it now I will be completely broke for the next two months.

I know how to handle this situation somewhat, but the €1000 I get every month keeps me gambling it all away, and the 10K I had at one time stays in the back of my head every time I gamble. It is so damn frustrating since I ###$ up every time I get to a point where I would be up €2000 and stop the madness but decide to continue.

Can people please help me to see the light and predict how my future will be based on your own experience? Maybe it will give me some kind of wake-up call. I just wanted to share this because no one knows that I gamble that much. I'm on my own in this struggle for financial freedom.

The physical burden is also increasing, I am mentally numbed out all the time and have some serious derealization and chronic hyperventilating.


For all the other people recovering, stay strong.

P.S. : English is not my native language, sorry for any obvious mistakes.

Flanksy

You write well.

You have hard earned insight and I am glad you are shocked, or scared about this position.

I won. I was lucky. It was a thrill. That is how most of us start to get sucked in, and the addicts just keep on going. That was me, this may be you.

I have several people in gamblers anon meeting who are stock / options trader addicts. Just because it is seemingly high profile and prestigious does not make it less dangerous. Especially to an addict.

You've written about the madness, the disbelief, the chasing, and even the physical stress symptoms. These are alarm bells.

Let go of what it gone. Consider that over. Stop punishing or rationalizing. Think of it as you took the 10K to open a new business and it closed shortly after. That would have been a more "noble" scenario but you have to let this go in order to stay away from being pulled back into gambling.

I'd suggest -- telling your parents the whole story. It won't feel good but it will give you some accountability.

You have to SHUT DOWN access to money -- from parents, govt loan, credit, whatever.

I hope you can get help --- counseling, people around you who are close and know about what has really happened, GA meetings, other healthy pursuits.

You mentioned you've lost the meaning of money. Once you hit the ground with a job working for pay I think that meaning will reappear.

I am glad you are 20. I hope at this age you are wise enough to save yourself from a future of BIG spending and losses in your future world. And know that it won't go away. please consider being done with the devil of gambling. you won't win, or even break even. I don't want this to break you.

Keep POSTING!

The good news is that you're no different than countless others who have successfully quit gambling. I found it odd that you think that if you stop gambling you'll be broke for two months though. What will really happen is if you keep gambling you'll dig yourself an even bigger hole and then you'll be saying that if you stop you'll be broke for FOUR MONTHS. I hope you realize that there is more to life than the next two months and that two months of being broke is a small price to pay for a chance to rid yourself of this horrible addiction.

I wish I was 20 when I had realized the need to quit. You are still young. Don't let gambling ruin your future and put you into losses. It's a bottomless pit and so many people still don't realize it.

Pay off whatever you owe slowly. Quit gambling and concentrate on your studies. The only way you can stay happy is to stop gambling. Plain and simple. There's no shortcut around.

We have to earn for our living. There's nothing that comes easy. And gambling is certainly not an activity which you should dwell into.

Start quitting. There's so much ahead of you.

Welcome to the forum Flanksy !

Please sit down with your parents and them everything . It will be painful for everyone , it will take great courage for you to do it but it will kick-start your healing process in a way you won't believe . When it's all said and done , it will feel like a thousand pounds has been lifted from your shoulders .

As long as you are hiding your addiction , it has complete freedom to keep growing . The money problem will be resolved far more quickly than the addiction problem . The financial losses are a symptom - you have to address the disease and for that , you need help . Reach out and get it .

You are at a point in your life now where you have the best chance ever of quitting gambling and never going back . Make the decision drag this thing out into the light and begin the fight to get your life back . Everyone who loves you will help you in your battle .

We will too .

UPDATE:

Last few weeks have been relatively calm until the day the creditcard resets and the government loan arrives. All month without money I am a little bit free, but constantly worried about not having money. It is really putting a burden on my social capabilities and it is starting to isolate me.

When the creditcard reset last Friday I managed to max out the creditcard within 2 hours. This was my breaking point I feel like. I was so sick of myself to come to such a low point. I feel like this can be a turning point for me and this Sunday I managed to self exclude me for LIFE! from the online casino's I gamble at. This has worked for me in the past, because I tend to hang on to one particular online casino and mistrust the rest of them, which could be my savior.

I also messed up my study because of this gambling addiction and am forced to quit the study. I saw this coming for a few months already so I am somewhat mentally prepared for it. I will still get 2 more government loans after this so that could get me out the immediate debt at my bank. The government loan has to be payed back within 35 years with 0.05% interest, which makes it a better deal than the 7.8% interest at my bank account.

As far as other progression, I have started to keep a diary with my daily thoughts and such, besides that I started meditating, which filters out all the worries for the day for me.

I hope this can be my new start, I will stay strong and I hope others on this forum will be as well.

UPDATE:

This month was far worse than expected. I slacked on keeping a diary and meditating, which somewhat brought me back in the downward spiral. This month I was more aware of trying to not gamble and always had the past experiences after losing everything in the back of my head, but I still managed to lose it all relatively quick but for me way more subtle.

It started with having €1000 to spend again. I spend €400 on paying of college fees and blew away €200 on slot machines online, after which I excluded myself for life from that casino. After that I went back to currency trading and managed to double up the €250 investment until the market turned against me and I lost everything back rather quickly plus the investment. The last €150 I blew at another online casino which is the last one I know where I was not excluded from yet and after losing the money I also excluded me on that site.

I was somewhat shocked to see me blow all my money again while in my head it felt like I was just being more moderate than ever before. I can't trust myself anymore and it is hurting me mentally.

I also managed to reach €10k debt this week before the age of 20, which is a tragic milestone for someone at the start of his adulthood...

I will keep fighting and I hope others on this forum will do that as well, things may look bad for me for now but I hope in a few years I can just look back at this stage of life and see it as a small obstacle which I had to overcome.

UPDATE:

Yesterday I did something I had never done before. I used cash money to exchange to online credit. What is wrong with my head, just 2 days ago I lost a fortune and another life of month again. It seems gamblers have the memory of a gold fish. I had €60 cash and got €25 in online credit, which I deposited to a online casino and ran up to €450. But of course at some point I went down to €350 and wanted to get back to €450 and started taking huge risk which you all know the end to.

My point being is that for me to find a cure to this addiction is being able to relive the moment that goes with losing the money and forget the moment that goes with winning money. I also discovered that I don't really have a trigger to quit yet, because for me the consequences are so delayed (debt payback and such). I do really want to quit the gambling, but in my head I already see myself justifying the Currency trading and stock trading, which is gambling as well.

I stopped smoking a few days ago. Maybe I can combine the two evils and beat them both at once. I am not really addicted to smoking anyways and smoke about a pack every week, but still I would like to use that to quit gambling as well.

It is at the lowest point of life a human is open to the biggest change.

Sorry to hear that you're struggling Flanksy . It just hammers home how deep the addiction can get its hooks into you .

Personally , I gave up using the word "cure" close to a year ago . In my mind , there is no cure . I will be a gambling addict for life , only one bet away from spiraling back down into the same ( if not worse ) nightmare existence that I have fought so hard to get out of .

The justification for gambling comes straight from our addiction . It wants to stay alive and in control . It will fight tooth and nail to keep itself fed ( with money ) . When you shut off the supply , it reacts like any starving , desperate animal would . It attempts by any means possible to go back to what it has come to expect on a regular basis .

In my case , it was the continuous brain-chemical high I got when I was playing slot machines . That state of mind became my new , warped "normal" .

In order to take back control from my addiction , I had to starve it . It was not a pleasant experience , but after 2 or 3 months I noticed that the constant urges to gamble got weaker and weaker . These days , I still get them once in a while but they are powerless to control me . I am convinced that I will always get them at random times in my life .

All it takes is one moment of fooling myself into thinking I can now gamble like a non-addicted person can and the demon will roar back to life again , most likely stronger than before . Remember - I've been "starving" it for over a year now . The thought of what would happen if I tried gambling now scares the crap out of me .

Make yourself a battle plan . Get Gam-block or other blocking software for your computer and your phone . Self exclude from as many sites as you can . You are far too young to saddle yourself with massive debt . GA is another program I recommend . Real life support can be crucial to your success .

I wish you well .

UPDATE:

Thank you for your response NewSunRising, I am now certain there is no cure as well.


This month has been absolutely insane for me. At the middle of april I managed to get the easy way to stop gambling through the Audible free first book trail ( No money required). I listened to it and Allan Carr tackled every bit of scepticism about the book I had. He managed to give a reason to have absolutely no reason to gamble...

But I was stubborn and once I had money again at the beginning of this month, I had already forgotten about the audio book. I even read through the Psychopathology book DSM V, in which Gambling Disorder is described right between Smoking and Alcoholism addiction.

But nothing seems to get through me. I am so self-destructive lately.

When I got money I blew some away on Currency trading at first, which was the only thing I wanted to do and no slot machines and such. But once I blew it away I went into my usual rage mode again throwing money at every gambling site I know. I deposited my last €100 at a online casino before my CC maxed out again, but this time I won...

I ran €100 up to €4200... I already cancelled withdrawals at €500, €1000, €2000, and €2500 but I kept on playing and ended at this point. But it was won at a Friday which means it wouldn't be processed until Monday.. I was so determined to withdraw it, but once I lost a bit I wanted to get back to that €4200, It could have been my savior, wiping away all my direct debt and even giving me €1000 in savings and not worry about the government debt for the next 7 years.

I eventually withdrew €2000, and what happened the next week until today, was my longest gambling streak ever. I just played 10 days straight until today, all day everyday. Eventually landing back on this forum with €0 in my pocket.

I was the worst week of my life to be honest, some days I would have chest pain right at my heart area all day long, because of chronic hyperventilation. It was so sick, but I kept going and going.
I even punch myself whenever I lose money, just to feel pain...

But I did manage to lock away €1000 on my account and have -€2000 in my bank account instead of the usual -€3000, so when I get money at the end of this month I will have to trust on my willpower to immediately lock down my credit card so my max debt can only be -€1000 and hopefully the month after that close down the credit of €1000 on my bank account, which brings my account back to €0 which is better as constant short term debt. This will make me completely broke for one month, but I will have to deal with that for getting out of debt, I already had to cancel Holiday plans with friends, because I don't have money for more than a day a month usually.

I will have to recharge the next few days after this gambling streak... I am drained of every bit of energy I had left.

Stay strong everyone, recovery doesn't happen overnight.