Almost 20 gliding down fast

I absolutely agree with Fund Manager -

Do not leave yourself any opportunities for relapse . There are far better places to put that money .

Fund Manager wrote:

Flanksy wrote:I had money in my account for the past 2 weeks now and there was not one moment were I was close to gambling it

Flanksy, may I respectfully suggest you completely REMOVE all the money from your trading account. Seriously consider permanently CLOSING your trading account as well.

Then should you succumb to a future gambling relapse, you will have no means to perpetrate any further self harm, financially or otherwise.

Yes I made sure of that and I guess I misstated it, but the money is in my normal bank account, not in any trading account etc. I will close them again, but there are just so many different accounts that can be opened again within the blink of the eye that it is purely symbolic. The true change comes with the change of my mindset and going into a more long term focused state of mind, while I try to live in the present.

For the past month, filtering emails and limiting internet usage just worked the best for me, along with the lifestyle changes mentioned in my other post. I still haven't watched porn for well over a month now. Not because it impacted my life in a big way (looking back it certainly did), but just to know that I can control the outcome on certain parts of my life and with gambling etc you can't.

I want as many layers of protection and putting money in my trading account would be like dancing with the devil at this point.

I refrained from all forms of gambling thus far and made sure that most of the money goes to debt payoff and just a small portion towards my monthly budget.

I still believe that for a young person as me, learning to control my own money again and having the key in my own hand, is the best long term solution. I can't have people handle my finances for the rest of my life.

I lately bought some clothes for myself, which I haven't done in 5 years or so. Spending money on the basic things will help me learn the normal way to spend money again. I spend money on social activities as well and it feels good to be able to join in on those again without having to worry about having to spend money I don't have.

NewSunRising wrote:A fantastic update Flanksy ! It may be a little late , but this is our tradition here and you certainly deserve it :

Thank you, I am definitely still on track for those other cakes and I am looking forward to them .

My next goal in life is finding a job, which will help me pay off the debt even faster and get my weekly schedule even more filled with activities, because I still have way to much free time, which is dangerous in the long term.

UPDATE:

Wow, so much clarity and calm in my life.

The last few weeks were filled with at least working out 4 times per week and keeping up a healthy lifestyle. This keeps working wonders and I keep setting new highs in life.

To be honest there is not a lot happening in my life right and now and yet I am happier than ever, the brain fog disappeared and I am living in the present at least 95%+ of the time. Intrusive thoughts are less common with each day passing.

I cut down on mobile usage and other electronic entertainment in general, whenever I have nothing to do in the evening, I rather go to sleep early than indulge in passive activities like watching TV.

My 60 day mark is coming up in 4 days and I seriously can't see myself going back to that self destructive lifestyle of just 2 months ago. It is amazing how much can happen in such a short time frame.

I admit that some good habits are hard to maintain, like meditating for instance. I have to pick them back up to keep my protection against urges on the highest priority, because I also know that the 90 day milestone is a point were people tend to relapse out of nowhere so keeping the guard up is crucial.

Almost 6 months smoke free as well, relapsed on the porn free experiment after 33 days, but already back on 10 days and feeling more motivated than ever to ban out that bad habit over time.

Still zero negatives to report to be honest, smooth sailing, just generally content at life and looking forward to seeing progress in my workout and college performance.

Socially I am more involved, albeit still with few friends, but I am certain I will be able to build up a network again over time. If there is one thing that I learned from this, have patience. Growth is not always visible, but over time you see a clear uptrend.

I can't describe this transformation, I didn't know I was capable to make such a 180 degree turn in just a few months. A lot of people probably read my year long battle and thought that it would continue for at least a year (including myself). There was no Eureka moment, I just woke up one day and thought about giving focusing on building good habits a try, instead of focusing on the bad. I kind off rolled with it and it blew up into pure greatness and unprecedented growth. I would suggest everyone to reward your own good habits and pay less attention to bad habits. There is no blueprint for recovery, but for me it worked wonders. It also feels like a method that is viable for the long run.

Everyone struggling, keep your head up, when recovery sets in you want to experience it with every fiber of your being, because it is amazing.

Flanksy wrote:UPDATE:

Wow, so much clarity and calm in my life.

The last few weeks were filled with at least working out 4 times per week and keeping up a healthy lifestyle. This keeps working wonders and I keep setting new highs in life.

To be honest there is not a lot happening in my life right and now and yet I am happier than ever, the brain fog disappeared and I am living in the present at least 95%+ of the time. Intrusive thoughts are less common with each day passing.

I cut down on mobile usage and other electronic entertainment in general, whenever I have nothing to do in the evening, I rather go to sleep early than indulge in passive activities like watching TV.

My 60 day mark is coming up in 4 days and I seriously can't see myself going back to that self destructive lifestyle of just 2 months ago. It is amazing how much can happen in such a short time frame.

I admit that some good habits are hard to maintain, like meditating for instance. I have to pick them back up to keep my protection against urges on the highest priority, because I also know that the 90 day milestone is a point were people tend to relapse out of nowhere so keeping the guard up is crucial.

Almost 6 months smoke free as well, relapsed on the porn free experiment after 33 days, but already back on 10 days and feeling more motivated than ever to ban out that bad habit over time.

Still zero negatives to report to be honest, smooth sailing, just generally content at life and looking forward to seeing progress in my workout and college performance.

Socially I am more involved, albeit still with few friends, but I am certain I will be able to build up a network again over time. If there is one thing that I learned from this, have patience. Growth is not always visible, but over time you see a clear uptrend.

I can't describe this transformation, I didn't know I was capable to make such a 180 degree turn in just a few months. A lot of people probably read my year long battle and thought that it would continue for at least a year (including myself). There was no Eureka moment, I just woke up one day and thought about giving focusing on building good habits a try, instead of focusing on the bad. I kind off rolled with it and it blew up into pure greatness and unprecedented growth. I would suggest everyone to reward your own good habits and pay less attention to bad habits. There is no blueprint for recovery, but for me it worked wonders. It also feels like a method that is viable for the long run.

Everyone struggling, keep your head up, when recovery sets in you want to experience it with every fiber of your being, because it is amazing.

Thank you very much for sharing what has been going on with you. This is a very inspiring post. It helps us all to hear of your freedom from gambling, and your improvements in your life. Wishing you 24 hours (and more!) of not gambling.

UPDATE:

70 days gamble free and still going strong.

This last week I finally had the time to focus on the side effects that my gambling addiction caused me.

The most important one was the chronic hyperventilation. A normal/relaxed person breaths 6 times each minute, I was close to 15-20 times each minute.

This causes so much stress and a constant feeling of unease, that it wears people down fast. I have been focusing on getting my breathing under control with breathing exercises and so far it is working very well. My resting heart rate lowered significantly and I have a better grip on my emotional response in situations outside my comfort zone. The breathing is always a dead giveaway about how you feel in certain situations, while you may think that you are fine.

My breathing while standing and walking is a bit harder to control, but I am working on it. The reduced social anxiety due to regained confidence helps a lot and the relaxed breathing helps with the anxiety vica versa.

I recommend everyone to check their breathing pattern and resting heart rate, because it causes a lot of negative side effects, with the main one being increased fatigue and less energy overall.

My breathing pattern was similar to riding a bicycle at 12 mph all day, while I was doing nothing sitting in a chair, no wonder I had zero energy left after dinner.

Urges are still non-existent and I only see them reoccurring within my dreams when I had a rough day and lack of sleep. Keeping a balanced and healthy life is vital to keeping the urges at bay.

To everyone struggling, focus on the good instead of the bad and the bad will eventually fade away with time. Patience is key to long term recovery, don't expect miracles to happen overnight.

It may sound cliché, but when I can quit gambling so abruptly (looking back at my post history), so can you!

UPDATE:

It has been a few months since my last update and I must admit that I have not been doing well since than. A few days after the last update I relapsed after doing so well for 72 days. I felt amazing, I did so many things with so much discipline and resolution, but I had 2 weeks of vacation and not enough activities to fill my days, which led me down the rabbit hole again. I started of slowly, but quickly spiraled out of control again and 3 months of renewed torture and isolation ensued. The discipline and the mindset completely disappeared just as easily as how it came.

I have now gambled for 25 consecutive days and feel like I am absolutely wrecking my sanity and health. The thing is that the last few weeks have been a constant streak of winnings which does not seem to end. This makes me extremely triggered and I just keep going back day after day. I went from being in the worst debt on my account to having every direct debt erased except for a huge chunk of my student loans which still remain. I have breathing room again and have actually closed down every option of lending on all of my bank accounts.

It feels unreal that I would ever come this point and it makes me extremely anxious, constantly calculating the swings and how far I am of my peak, trying to win it back. The thing is that I made a huge portion of it with trading. I am considered a 'good' trader and have about 50 'deluded' followers checking my trades and trade my trades. In reality I just made a huge coin flip several times that paid out. I admit that it makes me feel like someone who has 'power', something I do not have in real life. This is a dangerous thing, because I seem to be attracted to having 'power' ( most gambling addicts are because money=power).

Deep down I know I will probably continue, because I now consider the gambling as my 'savior', but on the other hand this is a great starting point to stop the torture.

I am not even happy, even as I won I still had suicidal thoughts, because I realized how lonely I was and how soul sucking the trading was (checking quotes 18 hours a day and sleep 4 hours).

I know this is not the story people wanted to hear from me again and I franticly try to grasp that mindset again of a few months ago, but I just cannot recreate the powerful me from 4 months ago. The huge confidence, the clarity, the genuine happiness and being able to actually enjoy small things is something I crave for again every day.

At this point in time I still have about 1 1/2 months of vacation left and I feel extremely stressed. I should be looking for a job and filling my vacation, but the social isolation left me with 45 blank pages that have to be filled. It is really depressing to not have anything to look forward to and I fear that this vacation turns out to be a gambling binge of unprecedented scale which leaves me broke and severely underweight again (gained multiple kilo's during my recovery after years of struggling).

I have withdrawn the last money from my trading accounts and will dedicate tomorrow to looking for a job and connecting with at least one old time friend to see if I can plan any kind of social activity. I do not want to hit rock bottom again to be able to go into recovery again, I don't think I can mentally handle such a bottom again.

Welcome back Flanksy ,

I am sorry to hear about your relapse . This addiction has one of the highest rates around .
The initial " honeymoon " period of recovery is often used by the addiction to regain it's grip on our lives by convincing us that :

1) Hey , it wasn't so hard to stop - you don't have an actual addiction . You just needed to take a break .

2) You can still gamble . Just follow these self-imposed "rules" and it won't become a problem .

" Winning " is the biggest trap of all . Whatever profit that we make from gambling simply tightens the noose around our necks . Please stop focusing on the money and start focusing on your behavior - you've made a trade-off . A stress free , normal life for some fast cash . The profits may feel good in the moment , but the reality is that you are giving up your peace of mind and self control for it .

You know what the future holds if you continue to believe the lies . Look to your first posts on the forum and ask yourself if you really want to be in that place again .

You got yourself free once . You can do it again .

I just caught the end of your postings Flanksy.
NSR -- awesome support and insight
Flanksy you can get that feeling of hope back. You can. you were lucky to experience the "other side" recently. The clarity. The optimistic view, the having a shot at a good life if the gambling gets put aside.
This is NOT A FINANCIAL problem. This is an emotional problem.
If I gave you 5M $, it would not solve the problem.
If you were in or got back into action w this "solution" you'd just go longer, w/ much higher wagers or stock plays and it would end up the same.

I pray you are able to find resources to help you lay this down. End the fight. You won't win this one. You can win other ones (a new career, a relationship, a fantastic existence) that really matter.

NewSunRising wrote:Welcome back Flanksy ,

I am sorry to hear about your relapse . This addiction has one of the highest rates around .
The initial " honeymoon " period of recovery is often used by the addiction to regain it's grip on our lives by convincing us that :

1) Hey , it wasn't so hard to stop - you don't have an actual addiction . You just needed to take a break .

2) You can still gamble . Just follow these self-imposed "rules" and it won't become a problem .

" Winning " is the biggest trap of all . Whatever profit that we make from gambling simply tightens the noose around our necks . Please stop focusing on the money and start focusing on your behavior - you've made a trade-off . A stress free , normal life for some fast cash . The profits may feel good in the moment , but the reality is that you are giving up your peace of mind and self control for it .

You know what the future holds if you continue to believe the lies . Look to your first posts on the forum and ask yourself if you really want to be in that place again .

You got yourself free once . You can do it again .

Good to know you are still here helping others, thanks for that.

You are right about everything and I was thinking deluded again. The gambling binge caused the usual side effects, such as dreams about big wins and taking bigger risks. I saw with my trading that the more time passed, the more risk I started taking to win. I know where this will eventually end and I therefore quit trading. The money sits in a savings account now, but when I compare it to my first post on this forum, I am in worse shape now than I was then. If I instead quit gambling and worked a job from there I would have probably been out of debt completely already.

In the past 18 months I have been on this forum I spent a lot of time still gambling and seeing how I will always have a downward trend. I am at a point now where I am anxious about placing any wager, because I know where it can lead, the rage, the all or nothing mentality.

I must admit that quitting the trading forum was hard, because I was the most watched profile on the site with messages coming in each day about how I do it. People are so easily convinced that my gains must involve skill or knowledge, while in fact everything is one big gamble. People are studying the market for years on end only to find out that they know nothing.

uskat wrote:This is NOT A FINANCIAL problem. This is an emotional problem.

You are right, the financial problem is not the point at all. I now have money, but I don't even know where to spend it on, that just shows how used I am to having no money at all. The money just sits there with one purpose in my mind, as fuel to feed the addiction. The mindset is still really messed up and emotionally I am not better of in any way than I was before this gambling binge.

My parents now urge me to find a job and get money, but how am I supposed to be motivated by that when I have just gotten a years youth wage in a month contributing absolutely nothing to society? All I have done is push money around for a month eating away little bits of others people money in the process.

I was also considering asking a girl on a date, when the gambling binge just started, but along the way I already completely forget about her and was consumed by the gambling instead, that really makes me feel like a degenerate to be honest. Money is just a tool to live a meaningful life, but instead I make the tool into a life purpose.

I am still in a huge existential crisis and hope that I can overcome these first days of being gambling free again. I am seriously considering attending a GA meeting the coming week to listing to others and share my story.

GA is a great idea . The real life support is invaluable .

There are no easy answers to what we need to make us happy with our lives but one thing is certain - gambling will always make it worse . So much of our preoccupation becomes focused on money - how much we have , how much we don't , what we need it for and how important it is in out lives .

It's necessary , yes - but gambling addiction makes it the sun around which we revolve . Stay on track and work on your recovery . In time , your relationship with money will normalize .