Almost 20 gliding down fast

daermo wrote:Hey Flansky,

Read your post on my thread and then thought to read your thread (read every post); including watching that bbc video.

The video was quite interesting ... (hope you dont mind me chatting about my thoughts in your thread) -
The video made me think of how many things that are addictively harmful - and that many of these things could be triggered in anyone. Drinking, porn, gambling, drugs, avoidance, video games excessively etc ...
perhaps this just has to do with the brain and body chemistry ...

for example - my wife is a 'boderline' alcoholic. I think if she could she would drink everyday and has in the past. My father was also; there was a time I thought I could of been; but now Im older and my body cant take drinking - I really only drink a few times a year (3~). Drinking for me really messes me up physically and I think if I didnt have this I would be drinking much much more; but then again it wouldnt affect me as much but again I could see how someone could have those tendencies to drink when they shouldnt.

Take eating bad food - the bad food makes chemicals in your brain and body feel a certain way - but is it the right thing to do?

Its strange after watching that bbc video - because for me I have no feelings at all (almost - about those betting machines) - but things that I feel I could have an edge with thats where my issues is (I may think I have an edge but obviously my results say I do not) - blackjack and trading were my vices. I have played scratch tickets but I know I am playing a losing game and they have much much less of a hold on me. I am only looking for the big win to take me out of this "frame of mind and financial issue" and they bore me quickly since you dont win much with them.
but trading on the other hand ... geez ... even thou I have a losing system its got a nice hold on me.

I know in my thread you responded that you were reminded of yourself - and I can see that. Although you are younger and a bit more emotional - not that I am not but I feel I got so much other stuff going on that perhaps its because you got more time on your hands.

btw thanks for sharing your journey ... how has it been the last few months (you hadnt posted as much).

Find anything that has been helpful - or anything that has been helpful with retraining the mind?

Honestly I am now just waiting on the meeting at the end of February with the student psychologist. Every month the past 4 years has been the same for me. Just this week I stepped in the gambling bubble again and popped back to reality this morning after some minor argument which made me go absolutely berserk.

I am not more emotional than you are I think. I might come over as an one on this forum, but in my day to day life I barely show any emotion. You also remind me of how I will see myself in the future if I continue on this self destructive journey. The trading is so insanely hard to let go off. Like you do I see patterns in every move the market makes and want to ride them all out. If I don't have money and just look at the market it always seems so predictable, but then when we enter the market ourselves the feeling of being able to predict it goes away and I generally lose everything by not accepting a loss. In the past I was able to close a trade at a loss and get over it, but for the past 2 years I have been unable to close a losing trade. This always ends badly.

Like you I also think that when I just follow the strategy I will be alright, but over the past few years my leverage has gone higher and higher, just to get that same adrenalin rush when news is coming out or the markets are trending.

But then again is it worth the stress? Whenever I trade my heart rate is at least 150 the whole duration. This generally lasts for 16 hours or so straight. Whenever I don't watch the trades for 5 minutes or so and open it back up again, I can always feel my heart almost pounding out of my chest. The feeling is so intense and I think that constant rush is what keeps me hooked. My normal life lacks the 16+ hours of adrenalin rushing through my body. Whenever I get out of a trading session I can just feel the huge deficit in my body the days and weeks after. The body wants it again, because it seems like a reward, but it's just pure torture which we cycle into every month.

I am actually having problems with keeping my weight on level. I am on the brink of being classified as underweight according to my BMI. During those 16 hours I can't eat, because my body is constantly in the active mode, just like when you are working out. Not eating also feels like a punishment to myself for my bad behavior and falling in the trap again. The lack of nutrition also makes me lethargic and passive. Elderly are more active than me as a adult.

I am also a dreamer, which I mentioned before. In this academic year I have commuted over 300 hours already I think. I always listen to music and get into this weird like trance where I fantasize about everything. Winning big, gamble free life, getting good grades. I like it when I get in this dream-like state, I always feel like I can take on the whole world inside my own thoughts. I even get a bit down again when I arrive at my destination, even though the commute is already so long. Just before I get to sleep I sometimes also listen to music for about an hour and get into the same trance. Always making plans for the next day and how I will succeed in my goals. This rarely works out. I have maybe 9 bad days and 1 good day.

You see where I am going? I am only relaxed and calm whenever I get into my dream like state. Safely in my bubble of own thoughts were I can control what happens and how it happens. It prevents me from acting on them, because I don't want to fail and I can't control the outcome 100%. I am just afraid of living the real life and rather life inside my head and gamble to fill up the lack of dopamine that real life is supposed to give me.

I think I am just depressed, but also don't want to accept it. Your situation at home also doesn't sound like a healthy influence on your life. Like you I also don't like to drink, because I don't like to lose control, maybe you feel the same way. We are both in a situation where we want to change our life for the better, but are also afraid of what happens after we get out of our current situation. We are to afraid to take the dive into the unknown and rather accept this depressing life, before we know we are a few years further and still haven't acted on anything.

The battle plan in still in progress for me, but we have to take the DIVE into the UNKNOWN. We can't wait for the PERFECT moment, because that moment never comes. The best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago, the second best time is today. The ability to fail and try again is something we have lost the moment we looked for a escape where there is no judgment when we fail. Sure it is nice to not be judged when we lose a months salary in a week, but whenever someone finds out we seem like the biggest lunatics out there.

We have to act on our dreams daermo, we have to stop post-phoning it, we can't prepare for it.

'There will never be a perfect time to do something that stretches you. That’s true whether you are starting a marriage, having your first child, changing careers, or wrestling with any number of challenging goals. That’s not a license to be reckless and never think things through, but at some point you have to embrace the uncertainty because it is the only path forward.

It’s like any growth. You can’t be ready for it because it’s growth. It’s going to be new. You’re going to have a new life. You’re going to be a new person.'

-Seinfield

Hi Flanksy,

I really like your posts. I think you are very interesting person so I wish you all the best in overcoming your socializing obstacles.
I agree with the suggestion that you should pick some hobby which will put you in contact with other persons. It's not going to be an easy process, but don't be discouraged by the setbacks because you are on the right track.

Good luck and stay strong!

getting_better wrote:Hi Flanksy,

I really like your posts. I think you are very interesting person so I wish you all the best in overcoming your socializing obstacles.
I agree with the suggestion that you should pick some hobby which will put you in contact with other persons. It's not going to be an easy process, but don't be discouraged by the setbacks because you are on the right track.

Good luck and stay strong!

Thank you for the compliments.

February is the month in which I prepare for the payday with more barricades than ever. First the meeting with the Psychologist on payday. Second thing is training mindfulness and meditation the whole month by making it a daily habit. The more I read about meditation, the more I see how it strengthens the frontal part of the brain which I discussed in the scientific approach to our gambling addiction.

I actually have a hobby and that is cycling. I am a member of the cycling club at my University and can join them whenever I like in training etc. Right now it is off-season so there is less activity during the winter, but yesterday the weather allowed me to go for a nice long ride.

The ride was really enjoyable, I got into this intense focus which made me feel like I could take on the world, the dopamine release was even higher than with gambling I reckon. I can see how this can be a great substitute to the lack of dopamine after stopping gambling and I should be looking at making a habit out of it as well.

Saving towards a better bike is also on my checklist for 2017, I can reward this to myself as the 6 month gamble free reward. Rewarding being gamble free makes being gambling free a positive reinforcement. In the summer I also stopped smoking in combination with cycling and working out and it worked amazingly well.

The meditation and mindfulness should help me with dealing with bad days, like when a training doesn't feel good or is not rewarding as usual. This is my biggest downfall and I have to learn to accept that bad days will always be there and should be dealt with appropriately.

Making habits out of things takes discipline and requires hard work, something I am not really used to. I have seen over the years that I get into these surges of productivity which are intense and short lasting. They never last because I want to much to quickly and burn out as a result. The solution is gradually building up the workload.

For February I am aiming at cycling 2 times each week and meditating for 10 minutes each day.
For March I want to up it to 3 times a week of cycling and 20 minutes of meditation each day.

Spending a set amount of time on schoolwork EACH day should also be on the top of my priorities. For February I am also aiming at around 10-20 minutes each day.

Having a daily schedule makes the mind less clouded and more action orientated, instead of the passive dreamer, which thinks but doesn't act. I feel like having functioned at 10% of my total payload the past few years. Gradually upping the payload helps me climb out of the isolation and gambling trap.

I am more positive, but also more cautious than ever. In the past I also made these 'positive' posts and it ended up with the productivity surge and meltdown which made me relapse. I think my mindset is more realistic now. The goals are manageable and gradual, like stopping smoking there is no sudden jump to recovery and becoming a completely different person within a few days/weeks. This process will take months, if not years.

Rome wasn't built in one day and neither the Chinese Great Wall.
Have patience and keep up with your purposes.

A hobby has a vital role in the recovery. It keeps your mind focused,relaxed and happy.Without it, you're more likely to relapse - been there, done that. But finding a hobby or focusing on work are one of the things that keeps you on the track to being gamble free.

You're doing a great job overall, with all your planning.
But stick with it.

Regards,
BillyHope

BillyHope wrote:Rome wasn't built in one day and neither the Chinese Great Wall.
Have patience and keep up with your purposes.

A hobby has a vital role in the recovery. It keeps your mind focused,relaxed and happy.Without it, you're more likely to relapse - been there, done that. But finding a hobby or focusing on work are one of the things that keeps you on the track to being gamble free.

You're doing a great job overall, with all your planning.
But stick with it.

Regards,
BillyHope

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I have taken it to heart.

I have set up some habits for myself which I have to complete each day. Over the past 2 weeks I have seen that some new habits almost become second nature already. Things like brushing my teeth twice a day and stretching are easy and rewarding habits to add to my daily schedule.

I made some subjective habits that I have to complete daily as well. Like keeping my posture all day and not having stressed about something that I cannot control. Knowing that I have to ask this question to myself every evening makes me more aware about it, which is really effective.

Accepting that some days I cannot complete all my tasks is also less demotivating than before. I just get back at it as soon as possible, no more all or nothing, progress is progress. Why give up if 10 days went well and 1 didn't go well? This mindset is something I am really working on lately.

Scheduling my days makes me more engaged. When I am confronted with some tasks which are boring or tedious I just tell myself 'Can I do it now?' and if the answer is yes I just get at it, my present self is happy with my past self and my present self takes care of my future self. Thinking about my future self reaching a deadline and not having done anything makes it way more confronting when I watch TV instead of lightening the load for my future self.

Avoiding stressful situations is something which can be avoided most of the times if you manage your time and for the past 10 years I have never made a effort of it. Having no stress or minimizing it makes cravings easier to withstand.

The mood swings are getting more controllable and I am getting more talkative with each day passing, making eye contact with people becomes easier. Whenever I relapsed I couldn't watch anyone in the eyes for more than a second for weeks, seeing the confidence slightly improving over the weeks is a huge driver.

So yeah, I guess this is one of my first posts with only positives and I hope I can keep it this way and reminding myself that a bad day does not mean that I should give up, but just pick it back up.

I am so glad I booked the psychologist appointment on pay day the coming week. I think it will be the KEY to keeping the gate shut and closing the loop. I hope it will be like a rocket launched to the moon. Before it can get out of the gravitational pull of the earth it has to orbit the earth to build up momentum to swing out into space. I think that sticking to powering up the engines to make that jump gives me a leap in recovery the coming weeks.

I will keep you all updated!

Flanksy , I gotta say :

I am just so freakin' proud of you .

You have made such huge strides and gained so much insight . You have fought your way out of the addiction trap and discovered that living without gambling is what it means to truly live on your own terms .

Stay strong , keep growing and keep learning . Your recovery and your freedom is back in your control . Well done !

NewSunRising wrote:Flanksy , I gotta say :

I am just so freakin' proud of you .

You have made such huge strides and gained so much insight . You have fought your way out of the addiction trap and discovered that living without gambling is what it means to truly live on your own terms .

Stay strong , keep growing and keep learning . Your recovery and your freedom is back in your control . Well done !

This means a lot to me, Thank you NewSunRising

I typed out a long response, but accidentally hit the back button, so I try to summarize what I was planning to say.

I had the appointment with the student psychologist today and it was a refreshing talk. I thought that it was going to be hard talking about it and that I would break out crying, but the opposite happened. I kept a calm mind during the whole meeting and just laid out my whole life story without getting to emotionally involved. I have gained some insights and there will be more meetings in the future that will reinforce my recovery and focus on the underlying issues. The daily meditation helps me put my past into perspective and use it to build a better future for myself.

I am already feeling more disconnected with my past self and instead focus on the present and future . My mindset is gradually being shifted to a more stress resistance, long term thinking and disciplined self.

Today is also payday and I have redirected most of the money towards debt payoff already, so I guess that it means another 30 gamble free days will be added to my current 22 days gamble free at least.

The positive habit tracking has been so HELPFUL in my recovery in the early stages. The fulfillment one gets out of having a day full of positive habits instead of bad habits is so rewarding. Even though I still slack some days I force myself to do at least 1 positive habit each day. So far I almost complete all my set goals daily and they are already becoming compulsive in a positive way.

I am so excited to be honest, I can write 2 pages full about how good I have been doing mentally and physically the past few weeks, but I decide that I should let time do it's part. Acta non Verba ( action, not words) The loop is finally broken and for the first time in 2 years I can see what happens when I can actually live my life.

Some things that helped me break the loop:

-Drastically cut down on caffeine ( 2 cups a day planning to cut it out completely)

-Stop watching the NEWS ( biggest one for me, the stress and despair that gets into your mind by watching the news turned out to have such a negative impact on my overall well being. Especially since I am somewhat of a sensitive person)

-Cut down on sugars and binge eating in general ( investing in your health is the best investment one can make)

-No more watching porn and masturbation ( 12 days so far and it eliminates yet another superficial dopamine hit, just like gambling does)

-No smoking ( 140+ days, lost count to be honest.)

-Mapping your emotions and stress (red box means stress, green box means no stress. I have found that it shows a pattern and after bad days there will always be good days. Just realizing this makes red boxes less red as well)

-Meditate (just 10 minutes each day will get a long way)

-Exercise ( Keeps your mind and body refreshed and active)

All this will mold your mindset to a more productive version of you and it is future proof and not based on motivation, but on pure discipline and habit forming.

I will keep you all updated!

Update:

Still going strong... I don't really now what caused this sudden recovery, but I still think that the implementation of good habits made the bad habits disappear like they never existed.

Although I must say this week was really tough. I got a pretty bad flu and was bed struck for 3 days and along with random triggers and a lot of free time and not being able to complete my good habits I was struggling hard, but I overcame the urges and today I was full power back on track giving it 100%.

I even had a 12 day No Stress streak, which I explained in my previous post, this never happened before in my life I think, I usually hovered around 3 bad days and 1 good days, but the good days just kept coming, without a major thing happening in my life, just study and exercise.

I had money in my account for the past 2 weeks now and there was not one moment were I was close to gambling it, I thought about it and try to let them come and go without really resisting the urges, this worked wonders. I still haven't checked a market quote in over a month and I have honestly no clue where the market is even at nowadays, which gives me peace of mind.

I will never consciously go and provoke urges, because it serves no purpose. I think my brain is on track with the rewiring of the reward system with all of the superficial dopamine hits being filtered out one by one. I have not been this focused and goal driven in a long time and procrastination is a thing of the past.

I am still on a sugar free diet and have completely stopped with caffeine, no more half measures.

Monday I am meeting with the psychologist again and I am eager to show her my progress and learning more insights about how to overcome other problematic aspects in my life.

36 days gamble free, life is good, my guards is always up and preventing urges is better than fighting them. You can prevent urges for a lifetime, but only fight so many battles before we get exhausted.

A fantastic update Flanksy ! It may be a little late , but this is our tradition here and you certainly deserve it :



I am so looking forward to serving up your 60 , 100 , 200 and 1 year celebration cakes .

Flanksy wrote:I had money in my account for the past 2 weeks now and there was not one moment were I was close to gambling it

Flanksy, may I respectfully suggest you completely REMOVE all the money from your trading account. Seriously consider permanently CLOSING your trading account as well.

Then should you succumb to a future gambling relapse, you will have no means to perpetrate any further self harm, financially or otherwise.