My fella's cheating & her name is Coral

Greetings from the UK

I'm new to this forum and get the feeling it is USA-based? Either way, I'm hoping the replies to this post can give me some insight from all sides of the table! I welcome constructive criticism too! I'll try to keep it short and sweet:

> Been with fella just shy of 3 years
> He's 27 and I'm 25
> We both live at home - I with my Grandparent and he with his Mum
> His Dad died 4 months before I actually hooked up with him
> He suffered with panic attacks ann anxiety which caused palpitations which caused him to panic when we were out in social scenarios. I urged him to get help as he has a broken family as do I. He said he can do it on his own and as long as he has me. He's 95% out of the woods so to speak with regards to grieving
> Never argue - bicker of course. Have a happy and healthy relationship
> I work in NHS and he owns a plumbing & heating firm so currently we are doing really well (£) for ourselves and as of 2014 started saving for a mortgage... it was grey when discussed but he briefly agreed he will be on the bandwagon for our future
> Never been in debt, no credit cards, no overdrafts- probably has about £4,000 to his name each month
> Over the first 1 year of relationship, he openly gambled / told me / popped into the betting shop after we'd been out for dinner / was honest about what he spent. I didn't care, he was overly generous it was early days and wasn't effecting me or us
> Over the next 15 months when I would arrive at his after work some nights, he would text to say the job overrun... so instead of being back for 6 it would some days be 7:45
> There was at the time a betting shop 5 minutes walk around the corner and there were times I'd drive out and actually see his van parked outside. Sometimes I'd confront him and sometimes I wouldn't
> He doesn't bet on anything else but the roulette (electronic) machines

November 2014 I opened his bank statement that came in the post. I felt prompted as it was a night where he was suppose to be back for 6 but wasn't. What I was doing was wrong but was I was about to find out totally cancelled out me snooping. You can use your current account card in the betting shop and withdraw money. I kept seeing Cr Ltd (then the road on which the betting shop was situated). I called their customer services line and they confirmed to me it was the company and that's how it would read on a bank statement. I went on to circle the amounts and highlight the days - in 13 days he had spent £6,000 - £4,000 in one sitting and the other £2K dispersed throughout the weeks. I was heartbroken and disappointed but I am a confident woman. I was going to tackle him head-on. The only positive was he had £2,000 in his current account and over two savings accounts from what I could see, he had £16,000 saved... at first he was mad I opened his post, which spiralled around as anger and hatred, then that switched to how ashamed he was and how disgusted he felt... the end was him and I crying and him promising how he would stop completely. I told him not to stop but to limit himself but he assured me he would stop.

At the beginning of this August, his Mum downsized (house) and he went with her. She went on holiday mid-August (still away / gone away for 1 month) and with that I have been staying with him there. We were seeing this as a trial on whether we could actually live together or not! We can... we've been getting on great.

Currently the post is being re-directed from the old house to here. He agreed for me to just open the post (sieve his and his Mum's out). Last night I cracked open a bank statement and let me break it down for you all
> £3,000 in the current account
> £5,000 in all savings (so where has 11K gone)
> And I did the circling again and since August 1 to August 15 he has spent £2,000 @ Coral

He knew something was up because he labelled me cold and distant. But it was late last night I couldn't be bothered with any type of conflict.
So this morning he was interrogating me so I just put it in black and white to him what I found. And basically thanked him for lying to me since November.
He was like a bull to a red rag. He literally flipped out big time. He was angry but quite because he had been caught out again. I couldn't stop crying I've never seen him like that. He stormed off to work.

I've since written him a letter which I want to read to him tonight as this is serious now:

X, yet again a familiar scenario - I have no words for what happened this morning.

I can only apologise sincerely for opening your post. I can promise you this – I did not open it with the intention to catch you out. I opened it (along with your other piece of post) because I trusted you and I was certain I wouldn’t see a repeat of what I saw last time.

I don’t know where we go from here. Is this even worth continuing? I’m really not sure if you will ever accept or take on the fact you are addicted. I feel you find your habit / addiction is acceptable because you will never a “hit rock-bottom” (as such) as you have a constant inflow of wages and money from private jobs. Fortunately for you, you will never be in debt or have a zero balance and that is something you quite clearly take advantage of. But unfortunately for you, as I have said before, you will never value the value of money. That’s one thing I have to take into account for myself and a possible future with you.

It is true what they say: you can’t be helped unless you decide that you want or need the help. Sadly I feel if I try to step in and control your gambling, my efforts will probably prove ineffective and possibly even be counterproductive. You’ve now even resulted to blaming me for your behaviour. I don’t want to hear your excuses: you have more than enough time to “breath” without me. When you are in your angry state, everything you say to me, the words are difficult for me to hear and make me question overall whether you do in fact love and want to be with me. I look at myself in arguments and I never verbally / personally attack you for the person you are. I question you because I love you and quite clearly want this to work. Calling me malicious a long with the other colourful array of words, is something I do not deserve yet again. How many more times can I sit here and accept your behaviour? And X, if I am making you feel that smothered with having me around as your girlfriend, gambling or not, you should stop stringing me along and finish it on those grounds.

Your anger frightens me but most of all, it breaks me. You became angry with me for “meddling” and this worries me as this may results in you going off to medicate your pain with a fresh round of gambling. It is a vicious circle. Even if I was to leave you, though it’s my last resort, it is likely to have the same effect. It is a known fact that a gambler in the throes of an addiction would probably be relieved to see a girlfriend/wife walk out the door.

My Dad openly admitted he feels I was to blame for his marriage issues – can you see how this is a similar situation. X, I will not let you drag me down and label me as the cause just like he did. Your actions, just like his, are in your hands. Thankfully I am a strong enough character to not let you blaming me eat me away. I am not the cause.

I feel you haven’t been able to give me a deadline or aim towards anything because you aren’t sure in yourself when it will be because of the gambling. You aren’t ready to commit to me whether it’s not or in another two years, because you aren’t ready to give this up. You think I am underhand and I think you are untrustworthy. And without trust there are no grounds for a future. You’ve lied to me since November. You’ve earned thousands. You’re blinded by an addiction here and with that you lie to your loved ones to defend it. After nearly 3 years I am nothing but disappointed and heartbroken that this addiction is potentially ruining your life, our life together and a possible future together.



x

Whitehairdontcare wrote:It is true what they say: you can’t be helped unless you decide that you want or need the help. Sadly I feel if I try to step in and control your gambling, my efforts will probably prove ineffective and possibly even be counterproductive. You’ve now even resulted to blaming me for your behaviour.

Your anger frightens me but most of all, it breaks me.

Hi there, young English friend. I hate to be bearer of bad news, but this guy is not likely to change any time soon. Nothing you will say or do will stop him from gambling.

He is running from something, and unless he is willing to be truly present with himself, he is not likely stop doing the activity that brings him escape from his anxiety. Gambling is an escape from life, an escape from unpleasant emotions and grief. It gives the participant feelings of power (even though that power is a false, deluded one.) He likely would burn through his money, and then start borrowing, possibly stealing from you, to keep his habit going.

I think it is best if you end the romantic aspect of your relationship w/ him. Maybe you can be his friend, but to attempt a partnership with him will likely be a very rocky road. You deserve better.

Blue_green offered good advice. It's a tough situation for both sides. But I would say for myself (and this is as a gambler) I would not stay in a relationship with someone that was at the beginning of their addiction and not trying to change much. This is something that could affect the rest of your life, and he is already lying to you (about not only the money, but the his time and where he is).

I'm not saying that is the right choice for you, just what I would do. He needs to find his own way out of this, and with his anger, it does not seem like he wants your input on it right now. Honestly, get out while you can is what I would say if I was face to face with a friend.

Whitehair:

I must admit that I hesitated to answer or offer my opinion when I first read this thread, because I didn't think you would like to see what I thought, which was bad news.
But I see that BlueGreenLake and GamblerMomNoMore did respond, and with just about exactly my same thoughts.
Your fella is not going to stop gambling at this point. The signs are all there. The red flags are up.
If you continue to stay in this relationship, hoping he will change or stop, I think you will be putting yourself in for a lot of hardship and misery. If you think you love this guy enough to go through with what I guess will be a long hard ordeal, then at least we have warned you. Just don't kid yourself or delude yourself that it won't be a very tough path.
Another thing you shouldn't kid yourself about, is that this guy won't reach rock bottom because he has a good income which provides him with steady money. Many millionaires have lost it all through gambling. The amounts an addicted gambler bets increase with time, just like drug addicts need bigger and heavier doses to become high. If your boyfriend is addicted (as it seems he is), this will not be a good relationship to stay in.

Agree wholeheartedly with earlier responses,im so grateful my own partner stuck by me in similar circumstances but have to be totally honest with you and say your 1st 2nd and 3rd thoughts should be with yourself ,if he isnt ready to quit then dont force it just move on ,you will save yourself years and years of exactly the same arguments and mistrust.
Read as much of this forum as you can to get an idea of what your in store for if you stay with him and he doesnt quit.
Thoughts and very best wishes going forward to you.