lost but determined

Hi guys,

I posted on here a few months ago talking about my story. To briefly recap I am 22 years old, have been gambling since I was 18. I believe I have lost around £30,000 since then, all on online slots.

I acknowledge that I am a gambling addict, I have acknowledged this since I was 19. The acknowledgement of being a gambling addict however has not even come close to getting me to stop. I have never been to a GA meeting and I have never had any kind of therapy for my addiction. The worst part of the whole twisted mess I have put myself in is that no one else knows about my addiction. This is mainly because as I have become increasingly addicted to slots I have become immersed in spending time alone. I now have no friends and have minimal contact with a very caring family.

Although very caring, my family are strict christians and I believe I would be shunned if I told them of my addiction. I have told them numerous lies to get a fistful of their hard earned money. I feel sick when I think about this. Despite my self isolation I live with a girl, with her mum, in a shared house. We have a great relationship and we often talk about how great the trust is between us. Again, this makes me feel sick as I am keeping a huge secret from her. Financially I owe this girl over £1000, I have said its because of my payday loan spiral which she believes.

So no one has a clue about my addiction. The thought of telling either the girl or my family fills me with shame. I wish I could tell them but I simply can't. I feel like I can't control myself anymore though. I am slipping into a great amount of debt. I am in £5000 debt to banks and £1000 debt in payday loans (I just got a payday loan of £400 and gambled it - all tonight).

I have determination to not only beat this addiction, but to do it alone, so that I will not hurt any of my close ones. I am fully aware that this is very unrealistic however I have to give it my best shot. Everyday from now on I am going to post my gamble free days in response to this thread. I am going to tell myself in the morning that I am a gambling addict and need to just go today without gambling. I am going to do the same in the evening.

If I gamble one more penny online I will come clean to everyone. This is my last chance to prevent my loved ones from being hurt. I would really appreciate it for anyone who reads this to acknowledge my subsequent posts. The only way I can get through this is with you guys. If anyone wants to post each day they are gamble free on this post that would be awesome too. I am sure there are people reading this who are in a very similar boat to me. Together we can help each other I hope

Thanks for listening,
mojk

Admitting you have a problem is a great first step. The question now is what action are you taking to stop?

Don't bargain with yourself. Saying that betting one more penny will make you come clean is like saying I got $1,000 in cash in the other room but will never spend a cent. The reason bargaining with ourselves doesn't work is because we are accountable to no one. As gamblers we all know that. What we say to ourselves one day means nothing the next. All it takes is that one trigger or emotion to change all that.

Instead I encourage you to come clean and talk about it with someone. Get it off your chest don't be afraid, you never know they might even offer a supportive side of them you never have known. The other thing here is real action. What real, tangible action you taking to stop this? Where are you getting the money from? Have you cut off this access? In the short term, you might need to look at getting your pay deposited into family or friends bank accounts.

Your only 22, you can get past this. I lost around $10k when I was 21 - I was more or less OK for the next 6 years then in my late 20's and now early 30's it has come back with a vengence and I have lost more money than I had ever thought possible. I didn't seek the help I should have when I was younger don't make the same mistake.

mojk wrote:I have never been to a GA meeting and I have never had any kind of therapy for my addiction. The worst part of the whole twisted mess I have put myself in is that no one else knows about my addiction. This is mainly because as I have become increasingly addicted to slots I have become immersed in spending time alone. I now have no friends and have minimal contact with a very caring family.

Although very caring, my family are strict christians and I believe I would be shunned if I told them of my addiction. I have told them numerous lies to get a fistful of their hard earned money. I feel sick when I think about this. Despite my self isolation I live with a girl, with her mum, in a shared house. We have a great relationship and we often talk about how great the trust is between us. Again, this makes me feel sick as I am keeping a huge secret from her. Financially I owe this girl over £1000, I have said its because of my payday loan spiral which she believes.

So no one has a clue about my addiction. The thought of telling either the girl or my family fills me with shame.

You are young. Think about how you will feel 15 years from now when you have lost all your paychecks to this pursuit.

Get to G.A. as soon as possible. Go to gambling addiction rehab.

Think about what gambling really is, rationally. You cannot win. Case closed. There is no Santa Claus, despite what casinos promise.

If you want to be a man, not a child, stop this foolish pursuit. It is only for deluded, immature people. Not judging you, I was one, too.

movingon2014 wrote:The reason bargaining with ourselves doesn't work is because we are accountable to no one. What we say to ourselves one day means nothing the next.

This is probably one of the most brutal truths we will ever have to face about ourselves . Nobody likes to face up to the fact that we are lying to ourselves and we know it even as it's happening .
Go to GA - it will lift a huge weight off of your shoulders . Uncovering this secret and bringing it into the light is one of the first steps towards killing it .

I wish you the best .

Thanks for the replies guys.

I am aware at how ridiculous the notion of gambling is, especially the form in I do it (online slots). I am fully aware that I am going to lose a large amount of money however this does not stopping me from spinning. I believe that perhaps the constant thrill/depression of gambling enables me to hide from other issues within myself that I need to sort out.

Its really great to have some perspective about still gambling the same way later on in life. I feel like I am much older than I am and that I have already ruined my life. I realise that this is a silly way of thinking and need to look forward to the future instead of dreading it. I am going to look into attending a GA meeting. I can't imagine how purging it would feel to tell someone my secret face to face.

One day free of gambling so far.

Failed on day two. I got sent an email that I had complimentary free spins in one of my accounts and I played them. I didn't deposit any of my own money but I want to be as honest with myself as I possibly can and in my eyes this is failure. I was tempted to put two days gambling free. I have started another wave of self excluding myself from online casinos. I am also going to shut down that email address.

Back to zero.

Even so , there are positive things to take from this .

You came here and you were truthful . You are practicing accountability . You are taking action to prevent this from happening again .

You did not just give up and say " I tried to stop but it's no use , I can't do it ."

Those are little victories . It's not so very different from learning to ride a bicycle . You're going to wobble , you are quite likely to fall down . Falling down hurts - staying down will kill you .It will take time and perseverance before you can stay upright and moving forward .

It's a fine line between forgiving yourself for relapsing and giving yourself permission to relapse . Again , you have to find your balance . It is never OK to go back to gambling but it's just a fact that it happens . How you deal with these "potholes" in your road to recovery will be the thing that determines how far you go .

It's done , cannot be undone . Take the valuable lesson from this , leave the rest and do not look back .

You will only truly fail if you stop trying to succeed . Battle on !

Hi Mojk
I am in a similar position to you however I am 35 years old from sydney,
I have played all sorts of gambling my whole live but last week I went beyond my boundaries playing online slots & roulette which put my credit card into -$650 giving me a total debt of credit , loan and pay day lender of -$12,000 AUD
My car has a flat tyre and needs all sorts of repairs and thinking about it makes me stressed and want to gamble.
My girl friend and my old lady have no idea of the $#%^ I am going through and I'd rather sort it out with out causing any problems by continuing to abstain from the "mental decay" that is gambling.
I'm on day six and feeling pretty good.
get rich gambling will never work, the money comes to easily and it has no value.
Work a hard week look at your pay and think "why should I give this to somebody else - it's my money".
Be thankful you are young and employed because some people don't even have a job to generate income, just imagine their struggle.
Stop gambling - live within your means - and hold your head high!
Rozza

Mojk, I have also had a terrible time with gambling. I have racked up so many debts then sort myself out and get myself in debt again, all down to thinking I can beat the bookie or the casino. This is my first day off a bet as I am going to take it a day at a time and I got through it. Will keep you updated and we can do this together

Welcome to the forum Jeff !

Well done on your decision to leave this madness behind and take back your life . There is a lot of good advice here and encouragement . All of us started at Day One .

Read the Strategies Thread and post often . Writing things out is healing . We will be here for you whenever you need support . There's a good bunch of people here and we are all working towards the same goal - to free ourselves from Gambling Hell and never go back .

Best wishes !