Gambling fool to internet poker, why cant I stop? Day one...

Hello All,

I have been reading a few posts on this forum and it is sad to see how many people are in this gambling hell hole, gambling to the last penny once your pay check comes in, it’s the same for me

I have always enjoyed a little gamble since I was young (I am now 33) but I find the trouble with internet poker is that 99% of the time I completely lose the sense of money. If my own cash was sitting in front of me I know I would not lose so much as I wouldn’t gamble with the amount at the start. I do blame myself even when I am lured in with tempting adverts or bonus offers, I lost 'this sense' a long time ago as 'it’s just a click of the button' to make that awful call, or your stupid re-raise gets raised, checking the turn when you should bet, and then the river....oh the river - how did that flush come down? Have they made the straight? I don’t know what to do aghhhhhh! There are tons of sob stories out there so I won’t add some hands but to say the least it’s been sicker than Peter Andre singing in the 90’s.

Even when the awful suck outs happens I still feel I can come back stronger as I have the skill rather than their jammy luck! ‘Yeah right’, I say this to myself as with face to face casino poker play I am probably slightly up over the years but it’s the so**ing internet poker I am massively down on. It's hooked me in a long time ago and I am now (or already am) f*****g up my life again.

See even if you do read this whole post I would like to keep playing the face to face casino poker from time to time (playing small games only maybe once a month) as I enjoy it and the game of it and I feel I can control it but I am unsure if this will lure me back to online poker, I have lost already about 20k cash online this year. I have stopped for months before with the online but I seem to come back. I don’t know why as sometimes I can actually forget about it over time.

It’s painful mentally, lack of sleep and last night waking up drenched with sweat, and with all seriousness I do feel huge amount of shame and disappointment. I am lying to my girlfriend (worst part) who I do love, I am lying to myself, I am gambling my money away when I should have easily had the mortgage and a house by now if I was normal with money. I feel trapped when I play meaning I find it hard to put the laptop down when up OR down, I lose the sense of time, I win to try and win bigger, if I lose I deposit double the money to try and recoup it back, if I spiral out of control (happened twice this year big) I lose everything.

In February I had a week of work, I hadn’t played internet poker for about 3 months online (to try for my girlfriend as she hates it) but then saw this too good to be true offer online 'deposit 1000 dollars and you will get back 2000 dollars free.' I thought this was amazing, I was home alone and my laptop is right here, let’s do it let play! It really was my intention to play small and get the extra 2000 dollars from the poker site and cash out quickly but it was a bit of a con, you had to spend so much on the tables to ever get near this 'extra bonus' and you had to accumulate so many millions of points within a couple months it was impossible unless your flipping rich! My own stupid mistake, I am the gambling fool!! By the first five days of my holiday all I did was straight poker, I had lost £1000 by Friday and by the weekend I was £10,000 down! This was all the money I had to my name and had to spend the next few months very skint hating myself but trying to pick myself up which I did until yesterday. This was the lowest of the low for me, I banned myself from 6 poker sites I had used in the past for 5 years ban and promised myself never again, this could (in some strange way) be the best thing that ever happened to me. The sad part is I really meant it and that’s why writing this now I fear I will make the same mistake again and again and again until I have nothing.

My girlfriend almost left me last year as I promised I would quit, but I am still lying to her and to all my friends in February 2014. I told them that the deal I had won at work with the commission was declined and clawed back, the money had to be returned. I convinced myself that’s what happened, now a new life, and a new beginning and learn from your mistake...blah blah blah! I sound like a bleeding parrot.

October the 1st 2014 (over 6 months of no internet poker) was meant to be a great day for me, I won a big contract at work and took home 8k, and this was the highest wage I had ever got in a month. Usually it’s 1.3k I’d take home if I sell nothing in a month so it’s a biggie. Right this very moment I am sitting here with less than £800 quid in my bank account. How is this even possible? Oh that’s right. I AM ADDICTED TO GAMBLE ON INTERNET POKER YOU FOOL! Right now I am obviously extremely gutted about it and I am not sure how I can sort all this out. I hope writing on this forum will help me. It’s so worth a shot.

If I stop now and tell my girlfriend the cash is in a savings account and it has to stay there for the year it does buy me the time to get to that amount again with my current job, if I stop today and work bloody hard again with my normal working life . If I tell her I will lose her, I will keep this post and I will add my honest updates if I have stayed away, I do hope so as I don’t want to lie to anyone. I am a good person but this is one things I have lost control in and I admit that. I know it must come across that I am a cheat (which I am with this lie) but I do try to keep as honest as I can with her, I do love her and I am good to her, she loves me and I know we want a future, we want to buy a home but I need to knock this addiction away forever and never come back. The pressure is really on me though as she doesn’t make a decent salary so I will have to provide for everyone (as I defo want kids). I want a secure life and have children who can depend on me. I am a 33 year man with just a brother and sister as family so no hand outs, I have to make my life my own.

When I started playing about 6 years ago I was playing with 100 dollars in front of me, now it ranges from 600-2000 dollars starting play that’s how I have lost my hard owned money so quickly.

I am going to self-exclude myself from this recent site I have been playing and I pray this will be the end of it!

Any advice or tips would be very helpful.

Thank you

DAY ONE....

I sympathise , i really do.
Self exclude yourself from all sites,contact your bank and see if they can put a block or limit on what you can spend online.
Download the gamble blocking software to your laptop etc (theres loads out there if you google gambling blocking).
Dont get drawn back in if you have any comp points left just write them off.
And now the hard bit ,you say you cant tell her what you ve been upto ?,You ve convinced yourself she will leave you ?, i thought exactly the same but decided to come clean and tell her the real extent of my problem (not just the money ) how gambling had taken such a hold of me etc ,but most of all how much i wanted to quit and asked her to help me if she could ,, she shouted swore for a few days but it was without doubt the best thing ive ever done ,it got things out in the open and meant i could attempt to quit with no more skeletons hidden away just waiting for her to discover,it was the clean slate i wanted and really needed in order to be able to attempt to quit.Her support and the support of this forum have without doubt been the biggest factor in me wanting and attempting to quit ,i know its not what you wanted to hear, but keeping the lies going will only set you up for an even bigger fall and will restrict your attempts at quitting.

very best wishes whatever you decide to do.

I browse these forums looking for poker related gambling addictions.
I'm "addicted to gambling" but I wouldn't class myself as a "massive gambling addict" if anything I'm far from it, I'm a frequenter to gambling on poker *mod edit* I'm not in a negative debt from playing poker nor am I in a positive, I'd say I'm "breakeven" after 4 years, meaning I've earnt less then 20k profit over 4 years and have had some big swings that have crushed my roll after spending the money I already made on something in real life, making me restart all over again therefore technically leaving me dipping into my own money even though I'm not down the hole.

*mod edit*

The thing is, if you value life and money whatsoever you shouldn't be gambling at all, no iffs no butts no nothing ,every man and women loves a good punt, it brings together people from all parts and all forms of society to do one thing and that's gamble.. and most are losers but they do it for the fun if you are going to gamble you never want to gamble a amount that will effect your life, but a thing to remember even if you are only gambling small amounts those small amounts over time really do stack up, loss after loss and will eventually leave you scratching your head when you count them all at once... Stay away from gambling completely if you have any witts about you and move on with your life if you can't... talk to a counsellor and go to gambling anonymous move on from your life, and don't hang around people that gamble.. it's a sick sick thing.. but there's always another sucker that comes along there's always going to be another sucker.. worst thing you can do is get caught up in it and become that sucker trying to be that winner & chase cash for the rest of your life.. it's worse the ngambling on the stock exchange, people say if you don't have any money in stocks for retirement you are not very bright, i say to them you have money in stocks, tomorrow all that money could be down the drain if the world turns upside down, you're better off keeping al lyour money gaining interest in a bank account and working a job, the real way! and making money slowly.. but thats that and we'll move on from that. KEEP AWAY from gambling don't be a sucker!

gambling fool -- I been there and done that and still dont know if i am done yet.. I am close to rock bottom...

As for internet poker.. That is one thing i have not done and i am afraid of.. My sickness is casino poker.. I can relate to how money just is not important as long as you can REBUY IN.. Getting sucked out is part of the game.. You seen players who just have that night, then you see grinders with big bank rolls that just work it and workit, till its there turn to pay up... Short story is WE OR I WILL NEVER HAVE BANK ROLL CONTROL! its that simple.. YOU SOUND like me you just dont have bank roll control!-- LEarning the game is important, but MUCH MORE IMPORTANT in my opinion than to learn the game is having the control of your money.. Without that it does NOT matter how good player you are.. Find me a BIG WINNER and I can find you a BIG LOSER.. It goes hand and hand..

SCRUBAUS--- Very well written information.. You explained what i could not explain and i agree 100%.. You touched the importance of what a beginner gambler needs to learn about bank roll control(which i never learned period) into when getting smashed in the game go a back a few levels, then you summed it up by stating the BIG PICTURE..

"If you value life and money then you should not be gambling"

Folks do we value our offspring?? If so we must value life and money.. I think we all would love toleave a little something to our off spring than waste it on a game of chance(with some skill at times)...

In the end MOST of us on the site DO NOT have bank roll control combined with chasing our losses.. If we would have all just started with 1% of our weekly checks gambling and never spent more in 1 week we would never be in this situation!

I have written OFF my horrible losses as i already spent my money that i would have on my golden years.. If i am blessed enough to make it to retirement i wont be entitled to waste money and do all those things people talk about.. I will simply spend it on the people i love most! I had my chance.. its gone

My 2 cents - most of the others have covered:

Honesty is the best policy. Keep lying and you will weave a web you can't get out of. Go ahead and tell the girl your problem now and seek help.

Other point, somewhere I read in your post, that you wish to give up internet poker, but want to play face to face poker. Addiction is addiction, no matter what form. So you give up one form of it to get embedded into another. A compulsive gambler will always be a compulsive gambler. The only option is to quit.

Good luck on your journey.

Hello All,

Thank you for your kind messages, I have found myself to come on this site every day for motivation and support and clearly it has helped. During the past week (actually 8 days!) pushing poker out of my head hasn’t been too difficult as when I lose big i hate it and usually ask myself….’How, why, whats the reasons?’. I have openly spoken to my best friend and he knows about the issues I have had in the past with poker, he agrees with you guys that the only way to completely stop is to stop every single form of gambling to kick it out of my life. Obviously this includes no casino poker as that could and probably would enhance my chances to gamble poker online again. Over the past week I do agree to this even if I dont want to. I don’t want to go back to my mistakes. It may only be 8 days but you have to start somewhere eh? To be honest I am excited about my life now, it will be more controlled. I am going to keep this thread for myself and I will update the days / months and hopefully years which I have been clean. I hope that I can keep this up forever as that would be really amazing and I should have the money saved for a house one day. Time will tell. When I go through difficult times (which will happen) I will try to remember to come straight on this site for help and support, if I am little drunk from a night out / or I have an argument with the girlfriend and I have cash in my account that’s when it will be a real test as my judgement can be poor decision making - how to avoid this im not sure yet? I need to find a substitute or something else which won’t trigger my mind to gamble.

Peaceful Crew – Thank you for your message, I have already excluded myself from casino online sites which I had been using and I have thrown all my casino memberships in the bin. I still need to upload some gambling blocking sites though to stop the difficult temptation at times. I tried to download K9 but as this is a work laptop for some reason it won’t download fully. Funny it lets me download poker sites but not the blocking sites! How twisted! I will keep trying others as I think there are more options. Regarding the girlfriend, it was bugging me not telling her and I had a huge dark cloud over my head for a whole week . However, during a drink in the pub last night I decided this was it, this was the time to tell her. It wasn’t planned but when she said ‘are you ok?’ and as I was deep in thought about last week I replied, ‘ I have decided to completely stop gambling altogether, its out my life online, casinos and even the small flutters on betting with the football’ she isn’t stupid and instantly replied ‘Why have you decided this now??’ and that’s when I told her everything and we spoke about it for about 40 minutes. Now obviously she was upset and tearful, but she wasn’t shouting or swearing at me or the red wine that she was drinking didn’t suddenly appear over my head and face. It actually surprised me how calm she was about the whole thing. She did say she was glad I lost the money (so am i in a strange way if this plan works) but more importantly I think she does believe me when I am telling her I want to stop. I told her about this forum but she does want me to see someone about it face to face locally, for her I will do this even though I dont think its necessary, she said she would even come with me! I then dropped her back home and she told me she wanted some time alone last night but we did text each other during that evening. I think she will come to terms with it and I have asked her for her support, I told her I will be completely upfront with her about this. It’s a big weight of my shoulders. She still might not trust me enough and could leave me but deep down I don’t think this will happen. I’m not trying to be cocky or arrogant about the whole thing and I could end up with cake on my face but that’s my gut feeling. So regarding your email I can almost tick all the green boxes! Thank you so much.

Scrubaus – Again thank you for this, in a way I wish I would have had that bankroll approach online a long long time ago and I should have done. You have explained this very well and any new poker online players should read your post. however, the key component I am missing is I don’t have that bankroll control, I was to much of a risk taker. I have tried but I don’t trust myself with this anymore. If it was live cash poker I am much better player and as the money is sitting right in front of my face it does make decisions easier and like I say I am not down with the money here but I simply lose my mind with online play, that control is missing and its just simply to dangerous to try again. I do love the game of poker but its not worth the risk to myself, my girlfriend and the potential family / house etc. With poker in my life I cant guarantee much. It’s not worth it. After reading your post I referred myself to the top post on this forum ‘Am I a gambling addict, or not?’ You may have already seen this but this is what it says :

1.Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
3. Did gambling affect your reputation?
4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry, trouble, boredom or loneliness?
16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
20. Have you ever considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

So I ask myself, am I gambling addict even half knowing the answer? I look at these points and I am an absolute ‘yes’ to about 18 of them for when I go on my gambling binge. I don’t want to refer myself as a gambler anymore. All the above are not good points about me. I want to stop those feelings and actions and do something more important for myself and others in my life. Thank you though for your reply but I would lose my girlfriend even if I started small to try and build a bankroll up, the online poker originally was meant to just be a bit of fun, that 'fun' went out the window when I am then gambling with thousands of pounds in one sitting.

Dax007 - Hi dax007, I am sorry to hear that you are close to rock bottom, I am just glad you have never gone into the world of internet poker. If you don’t have much bankroll control never even bother with online, save the money instead and do something good with it. Don’t be tempted (like me) with the bonus offers, it’s all a con really. Casino poker I really enjoyed but I have decided not to continue with this even if I am up because it could lead me to other forms of gambling. Casinos and poker hands will not be a part of my life anymore. You say you are close to rock bottom, is this just because of poker at the casino? I hope it works out for you, maybe we both can try and stop this if it has got really bad for you? Your right learning the game is important if you want to make a profit but bankroll control is far more important. Online IS THE WORST THING that has ever happened to me and I fear that if you did this online (which I know you haven’t so far) will start of as a bit of fun but quickly it can turn nasty and some of the points about ‘am I gambling addict or not? will come back to haunt you. It's not worth it, good luck mate!

Scarbaus said - "If you value life and money then you should not be gambling". This really stood out for me also.

StuckinNV – Honesty is the best policy, your very right. I am pleased to say the girlfriend does know about my issues. It was killing me inside as generally I am very open with her. Thank you for your good wishes and yes you do have to stop all forms of gambling. That is my attempt and today its day 8.

Thank you all, the gambling fool!

Good luck to you mate I hope it works for you.

Pleased for you i really am,and 8 days is a hell of a start,it also sounds like you have an absolute diamond of a girlfriend,concentrate all your efforts and energy on her and bounce off each other,i firmly believe that a relationship with an EX gambler can be as positive if not more so than a none gambler,weve got so much to offer ,so much to make up for ,and of course theres the new found truthfulness.
Very best wishes and keep updating your progress,show everyone whos reading this whos not sure about stopping how fulfilling it can be once youve got back on an even keel.

It sounds like you are making great progress, well done.

You will find that thoughts and urges to gamble will diminish. Other more important things will take over. Keep it going, you're doing great.

Best wishes.

D A Y 38 ! ! !

Good evening friends,

Even though it’s not actually that long to be 'gambling free' I can confirm I have now gone through 38 days of absolutely zero gambling, no online poker, no casinos, no bets on the football, no mobile betting, no no no no no no no no!

To be honest with the amount of cash I lost 38 days ago I was feeling more sick to actually think to gamble within the first week. Since then with just a couple urges I have maintained staying away with THE HELP OF THIS SITE, A NEW PERSONAL MINDSET AND SUPPORT with a couple close friends which has really helped me, so thank you again.

You may remember me saying on this post that I was $#%^ scared telling my girlfriend about my gambling issues, now even though I came out honest we did actually split up. There is no need for me to feel negative or sad about it (as it is actually for the right reasons and it wasn't just about my gambling) but thankfully I have stayed strong enough and I didn’t use that as excuse to feel sorry for myself and gamble. (Which I'd done in the past if I had an argument with her or had one or two many beers!). This happened 3 weeks ago.

I know I can be very weak but at the same time I know I am a very strong character, I know that doesn’t make much sense but right now I am confident that this very post can help turn my life around and I will go into a 3 year zero gambling zone (900 + days!). Early days but if I do, I have this site to thank. If I don’t or when I feel like I have bad times / urges I will really try to post on here first for help and support. I still haven’t done any GA meetings and I don’t think I will but I have a couple friends which I have told everything and more importantly they believe in me, and I believe in myself.

There just is no point going back as the losses are never falling back on my lap. Never ever ever and this is how I see things differently. People on this site have told me this and when the penny dropped I have used that to my advantage.

My mind-set has changed dramatically about gambling already, there just is no point and I know if I gamble my streak has disappeared and even if I win that could spiral into me being a dic* stupidly thinking I am something special like gods gambling gift kidding myself, my name 'gamblingfool' I choose to remind myself what I have been in the past. If I lose I know that I will just keep gambling (as the cycle is broken) depositing more and more like an 18 year newbie alcoholic on a mega drinking binge on a Saturday night puking there poor guts up at the end?! Sounds familiar to a certain degree but no thank you stupid mind and brain!!

Because I can actually see my own cash in my balance I have treated myself to a new Samsung 4 tab 10.1" and flights (only £120) quid to see a friend in Newcastle for a weekend with 6 old school mates If I keep this good no gambling up with the money saved I will give myself little treats.

Also, even though I haven't got paid loads (not a great commission month) its great having the control again and having cash in my bank by the end of the month before it gets bumped up again. Now I am looking forward to a good Christmas with family and friends rather than thinking about gambling!

Thank you all, I am looking forward to further no gambling days.....

.....The Gamblingfool