No self control

Glad that things seem to be going well for you JR, as I read your entire post even though I just recently joined. I think if you are able to continue with your gambling sobriety, then it may not be necessary to tell your g/f about how deep in debt you are.

Today is 7 days for me. I have felt urges at times, as I wonder if I can abstain from this thing for the rest of my life. But I am just trying to take it day by day and not think about the next day ahead of me.

I have to agree with JR that one of the most frustrating issues is that the financial recovery takes so long. As much as we have to let that go too, the reality is that 6 months may need to pass before a big loss can truly be absorbed. And, that's assuming we don't relapse and lose more!

On the flip side, it's so hard to be patient that the temptation might be there to go in the meantime to win a bit of it back

If we win, then there's the risk that we will go again much sooner and start to think maybe our problem is not as big as we thought it was, which will inevitably lead to more losing. If we lose, the hole is even deeper and we find ourselves at "day one" again. Curses to gambling - win or lose!

Hey everyone,

Just thought I'd check in with a bit of an update. Some things have happened, not all great, but for the best in the long run. So, I had said to my girlfriend that I was quitting gambling and would pay down my approximately $20k credit card debt. I was paying down regular amounts, but I kept gambling, maybe smaller amounts, but still every day basically, and so not making any real gains on paying the credit card off. But I represented I was still on track, and was hoping to accelerate my payments, gamble less, and my girlfriend would be none the wiser once I'd actually paid it off.

Anyway, about a month ago, she casually asked my why it was taking so long for me to pay down my debt (bearing in mind I told her more than 2 years ago that I was stopping), and I had no real answers for her. I wanted her to drop it, but she persisted with the line of questioning and I had nowhere to go - I had to admit to her that I'd kept gambling and still had a debt of about $17k. So everything hit the fan basically - she was inconsolable, there were lots of tears (from both of us), she felt like her trust had been violated and she didn't know who I really was etc....all of which was true of course. I really thought she might leave me. A very tense couple of weeks followed, and since then things have been much better, almost back to normal (although I know she's still very hurt but trying not to show it).

She insisted I tell my parents about it this time and I did, which was really difficult. They took it really well though and have been supportive (she also told her Mum and a friend, which I didn't feel entirely comfortable with). She also made me close my betting account (I only had one at that stage) permanently, and even got me to exclude myself from sites that I wasn't a member of (a few of which I hadn't even heard of). I resented that a bit and thought it was excessive, since I've never had the motivation to open more accounts, and certainly don't now, but it was hard for me to say no. She kept saying she couldn't know that I wouldn't find a way to start again, no matter how much I said to her that I wasn't going to (of course, why should she trust me when I said I would stop before?). I found that difficult - I was thinking, what's the point of staying with her if she says she doesn't know if she can ever really trust me again - but nothing I say in this area holds any currency anymore with her. I've lived a double life for too long and she feels humiliated.

The next step is getting some counselling and also relationship counselling. I'll do that, although right now it feels unnecessary as things are fine, my girlfriend is mostly ok, and I'm not gambling (though I admit because I can't, not because I don't want to so much).

My girlfriend now also has visibility over my finances, which she didn't before. I don't know how long that will go on for, but I do feel some resentment that I have to be treated like a child in this regard...she is checking in to see how I'm going every couple of weeks. I know I deserve it, but it doesn't feel good to think I'll never be able to have a bet again unless she puts one on for me. I feel like some of my autonomy has been taken away I guess and I do resent that.

On the other hand it's motivating to know that this is my last chance with her. I wish I could keep betting now and then recreationally because I do miss it, but I've shown over many years that I can't do that (even though I think I could now - what flawed thinking!). It's also very motivating to have money again, and see my savings build and my card balance go down. I know I will feel great when it's all paid off.

So yeah, it's a tough situation I guess. I wish I'd just done the right thing initially and I could have paid off the debt twice over and still been able to bet if I wanted to, but I screwed up too badly. My biggest regret is losing about 7 or 8 years of my life to this financially - it's going to take a while for me to get myself in a good financial position and that is embarrassing to be honest. Anyway, I don't want to ramble on too much - just thought I'd come on here with an update. I know I find it helpful to read other people's stories, so maybe someone will find some value in mine.

Just an update - my last day of gambling was 14 September, so I guess that's 93 days gambling free!

I saw a gambling counsellor for the first time last week and am going again today. The first session I would say was a positive experience, but mostly just because it's nice to talk to someone about all of these things in a non-judgemental environment. I don't know about the value of the counselling overall in a practical sense since, because I haven't gambled in a while, I'm not sure what my goal for the counselling is. I guess to keep not gambling, but I feel like whether I do or not isn't going to be determined by an hour long chat every couple of weeks.

That was the tough part for me - even though I could articulate very well my feelings, thoughts about my gambling, what I got out of it, it's impact on my relationship etc, what my GF's feelings about all of this are, I found it very difficult to say what I wanted to get out of the counselling. Partly I guess that's because I'm mostly going at the insistence of my GF. I also got the feeling that my counsellor was relatively inexperienced and, without wanting to sound arrogant, a bit taken aback by some of my depth of insight about my circumstances. She commented that I had a very impressive understanding of my GF's feelings, which I sort of found funny because my GF has had no issues with articulating those to me! I'm acutely aware of the impact my gambling has had on our relationship.

I think because I was calm, and feeling pretty good, it was hard for the counsellor to really know where to direct the conversation. I suppose I could say I want to have tools to make sure I make good choices in the future and don't gamble again, but I've self-excluded, I know what I need to do, and I just want to get on with my life. Part of my issue is that I don't know how I'm supposed to demonstrate progress to my GF - other than I suppose making tangible financial progress that she can see.

In terms of the gambling itself, I do miss it, and I would rather I was able to do it if I wanted. I discussed with the counsellor that I do feel some resentment to my GF for having control over my actions by not allowing me to gamble and how I don't like the feeling of being monitored and treated like a child, as if I'm some pathological menace to society. Like I said, I just want to put all of this in the past and move forward, but I'm worried my gambling (and lying) is always going to define my relationship in some way. Overall though, having excluded myself from sports betting sites and closed accounts, I feel like gambling just isn't an option for me and for now I'm ok with that. Could I honestly say I wouldn't gamble if my accounts were open? Probably not, but that's not the situation.

I have actually found the last three months or so to be surprisingly easy, so much so that I've wondered to what extent this is truly an 'addiction', or whether I was just reckless, impulsive etc in my behaviour. I do miss being able to gamble a bit, but most of the time I barely think about it. It is motivating to have a relationship on the line and to see your financial situation improving (I still have about 12k in debt, but it's down about 5.5k from when I stopped gambling).

Great job, 90 days is a good benchmark. The people I remember that was around when I stopped having the constant unconscious thoughts about gambling. Before that I would think about it all the time and then have to catch myself.

My words of caution are to remain vigilant and never doubt that gambling is an addiction. Here is an article that talks about the similarities of the way gambling affects the brain the same way drugs do: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=117423

Well it's been a while since I last posted - unfortunately, I wish it was under better circumstances.

After last having a bet on sport on 14 September 2014, I was doing pretty well. In fact, I still have not placed any bet on sports or opened a sports betting account since then. I feel good about that I suppose, even though I still hate watching friends being able to place bets on games without being able to do that myself. I had paid off my credit cards in full, as well as some money owed to my parents.

Unfortunately I relapsed in around March last year by going to the casino and playing poker/slot machines. It was something I had done on occasions in the past with one of my friends who also gambles (I mentioned him in my original post on this thread), and I had also been a few times on my own, but I never felt addicted to it, even when sometimes I would lose more than I should. Anyway, about a year and a half ago, I moved to a new city with my girlfriend, new job etc, and I discovered that there was a casino right near where I work (of course). I went in a couple of times, thought it would be ok and I wouldn't bet much; maybe part of it was boredom with being isolated in a new city without friends or my job getting me down a bit.

In any case, I had a few wins - I would take in around $150 or so and I can remember winning about $1,200 a couple of times, $500-600 here or there. I would usually put that money back into my bank account, but other times I would go back another time and lose it. Before I knew it, I'd accumulated more credit card debt (I currently have about $13,000 on my cards), I was taking cash advances out on my card to gamble with, and I was going to the casino 3 or 4 lunch breaks a week. I was frustrated with myself, but I kept doing it, won a bit here and there, chased wins, lost small, lost big. The habit was back. Looking back I don't know why I didn't lower my credit limit even further than I did and why I got another credit card. Just stupid really.

Fast forward to now and my girlfriend has found out - it was pretty similar to the way it went down in September 2014 - she asked me about finances and wanted me to share how I was going (to be fair to her, she had been very trusting over the last year or so, while I had said I wasn't gambling, and didn't asked me to show her anything even though I was scared that she would). I got defensive and she obviously knew something was wrong - I made up a couple of excuses, then told her I'd been gambling as I had nowhere else to go (I had barely anything in my savings account as I had a big loss only 2 days earlier). It was devastating to go through all of this again, moreso for her of course after she had put her trust in me.

The worst part is that we were talking about having a family recently, and sharing some big life decisions now that I had regained some trust. That is all gone now. She has moved out at least temporarily (could be a week, could be indefinite) and has said that she doesn't think we have anything anymore and she can't see how or why things would be different in the future. It's very hurtful to me that she thinks that, but I have no one to blame but myself. She doesn't want to be in a relationship where she is constantly questioning what she might find out next and I understand that.

She asked me why I didn't tell her that I was feeling the urge to gamble again and can't believe that I would lie to her face again by saying I wasn't gambling and would allow her to entertain the idea of having a family without telling her this. Those are fair questions, but I guess you just get in preservation mode - you don't want to lose the relationship and you lie. We've all been there I'm sure. I also resented how she handled finding out the last time - it was all about my dishonestly and how I'd treated her, but showed no sympathy or understanding of addiction, and an inability to separate me from the disease and recognise that addicts don't act or think rationally. That bothered me and made me think that I couldn't tell her if I felt like I wanted to gamble again, or actually relapsed (even though I understand most people relapse).

For my part now, I have arranged to start some counselling next week and plan to self-exclude from the casino next week too. I'm telling myself that for all the money I've lost over the years and it's enormous, I never gambled rent money or stole from anyone - so it could be worse and I am redeemable. I'm hoping that doing counselling properly will help (i.e. not just a couple of sessions) and I'm thinking that this time I might need to attend some GA meetings as well so that there is more accountability for my actions. Whether or not any of that makes a difference to my girlfriend I don't know, but I need to do it for myself regardless of whether it's over with her. She won't be willing at this stage to have any joint counselling to I just have to get on and make some changes myself. I was speaking to my Mum this week and she said she doesn't want me to waste my life and she wants me to look after her later in life, not the other way around. That hit home for me.

The point of posting is this is really just to have some accountability and because it feels good to put this down in writing, just as it was helpful with my first post. It's also a reminder I think for all of us who have struggled with this that you are always vulnerable and that it's really difficult to fix things yourself. In retrospect, I think it was incredibly naive of me to think I could just move on with willpower. I had a couple of counselling sessions, was motivated to stop, paid off my debts and thought that was it. I wasn't gambling, I hadn't for about a year and a half (well, except for a handful of times with my friend, when I rarely saw him) and I felt fine. I wasn't itching to put a bet on anything - I just felt a bit sad from time to time that I couldn't. But even before I properly relapsed, didn't take every step to cut it out of my life completely and clearly I wasn't over the underlying addiction because I was tempted by the casino and couldn't stop.

So back to square one - only a few days gambling free. I have to say, with my girlfriend leaving today, it has taken every ounce of willpower to not go back to the casino today for 'one last go". The only thing stopping me is I want to be able to honestly say to her that I haven't gambled again since the last time.

Good luck to everyone out there struggling with this. I hope my experience resonates with some of you.

48 days gambling free today. Feels like longer to be honest, but I guess it's a slow road.

I've had a few urges to go to the casino (at least I did before I self-excluded a couple of weeks ago), but they pass soon enough. I try to tell myself that even if I had a win, it wouldn't change my life in any real way and it's far more likely that I will lose. Rational thoughts are the enemy of gambling but I know it can be hard for them to flourish! Financially things are going well - have paid off a large chunk of my debt and will be done with that in another couple of months. It feels good to be on the right track again.

Counselling has been quite helpful this time. More of a tough love approach from this counsellor and she's been making me realise how silly some of my attitudes have been. Since the first couple of sessions we haven't actually talked about gambling much specifically or how I feel about it - it's been more about recognising that I really have prioritised gambling in my life to the exclusion of other things, especially my relationship and moving forward with joint goals (financial or otherwise). There is some fear of commitment and 'growing up' involved - I have wanted to live without consequences and not have to modify my behaviour for anyone.

In short, I'm realising that I haven't been a passive 'victim' of an addiction as much as I have consciously made gambling and my own impulse satisfaction my absolute priority. It's sobering to see how little else I have meaningfully engaged with in my life while I've been consumed with gambling.

Anyway, things are ok right now but I know I can't get complacent. Part of getting past this is putting real effort into improving yourself and that's something I still very much need to work on.

I had just lose a lumpsum of amount on slots today. Was actually searching online for help on 'self control for gambling.' Came across to read so much of you facing the same problems as me. Hopefully after i speak out. I manage to learn on those advise here.

Am a Mummy of 2 with a lovely high income husband. It allow me to stay home looking after the kids. I was given monthly up to 4-5k.
Begining stage i did told my hubby about wat i had done. I been forgive n forget by him. It happen few times the same way. My hubby tried to console me instead after losing his hard earn money.

And due to my hubby was not home often due to work. My kids are grown up n had their own program. So ended up i sm always home alone. Since 8 years ago start to learn about online casino slots n soccer betting.

Recently due to world cup. I m in deep $#%^ again. Withdrawing cash limit from cc. And also my account was empty. This time round i dun know wat excuse i should give to my hubby. He kept asking me whether isizt am back to gambling again but i denied. Honestly i have no courage to admit.

I felt regret after doing it but the moment when my brain was thinking about it. After deposit and start spin. I feeling was wonderful than anything else.

Currently although my hubby will still give me the same amount of money. But if i dun quit. History will be happening every month. Wat should i do as i even secretly lose away a joint account amount with my kids n hubby. As they did not check coz its an account without atm card. As for the statement. I was the one whom open letterbox so had threw away to prevent letting them see.

I still have to behave like nothing hapoen everyday. But during this period of time. I really really feel very bad. But whenever this bad feeling go away. My habit will be back. Always repeating n repeating. How do i quit. Pls Help. Thank you.

Welcome to the forum SL,

I understand your feeling very well (as do many of us). When we are gambling, we are constantly
hiding, we become professional liars and its often a race to the mailbox so that no one else opens the bank statements. We want to stop and know we should but once we have put that money in the account or go to that casino, all is forgotten and we are happy again. We eventually lose and the cycle repeats. Such a stressful way to live and I've do that for many years..

I would highly suggest self-exclusion from the casinos (if you go there). There is nothing like a criminal record for trespassing to put a halt to this addiction. For online gamblers, its a bit trickier, but there are many gambling blocking software that people swear by. Next try attending a GA meeting in your area. Finding people who understand you can be a life changer. I would say to come clean to your partner, but that is almost impossible to do for some people. I was never able to do it myself. My wife ended up finding out my problem and it was BAD. In the end, you will have to find something to bring fulfillment to your life again (except for gambling).

Please read the Strategies post above and you'll find some great ideas there!