Speedo Obsession or Pedophilia?

im afraid i dont - ive never had any luck with therapy. but i know there are plenty of people with your kind of obsessive disorder that find therapy extremely relieving and helpful. it may take a while, but the only way your going to make progress with a threapist is by trying. its possible that this one wont be abel to help you. or the next one. or maybe not even the next one. but that shouldnt deter you from trying, because not doing anythign abotu is clearly not going to solve any of your problems. at least with theraoy, you have a chnace

Well,

I made it through church today for the first time in a long time without crying. I believe in forgiveness. I know that I did not look at any child pornography or anything illegal, just the items that I have described. The problem I have is how to I forget/move past this? I think about this all the time, though I have to say I feel better than I used to, but still just so sorry. My biggest dream would be to have my own kids, but would this even be possible knowing I have done what I have? I feel sick about this all the time! Am I the worst person out there, no, but I feel like a huge disappointment to myself. I love kids so much, and I can hardly take care of myself. How could I ever think to bring a life into this world when I can't even do that? I am so lost. Everyone is telling me forgive myself, but I honestly don't know how! I feel like this is going to plague me forever.

Depressed!

Just checking in again,

Still kind of rough! Had an appointment, but it got cancelled. I am wondering anyone's thoughts on depression triggering this type of OCD. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but a lot of this stuff happened a while ago, but it was like I just seemed to forget it.

Then, in 2010, my grandma dies and a lot of other things that were depressing happen. I also had this sudden anxiety of feeling older. I just got this feeling of nothing good comes with getting older, perhaps because of my grandma's death.

This speedo thing, like I said, has been in my life for most of it. I think I mentioned the wanting a speedo since I was 9. It just never seemed to bother me before. I think there is some anxiety about wanting to become sexually active. I am afraid I will not be able to get erect and sexually perform. What I really wonder is why would this all come rushing back when I got so depressed? Could that have caused it?

I have a group of students who I treat like they are my own, and they adore me! I like them too! I did not become a teacher to get around little kids...I am damn good at it. So why would this all go by the wayside and not even matter and now it is all I think about? Example...one site was shut down at the latest in 2006, I know this because I googled the history of the site. That would mean I would have seen it before then. So why was it no big deal to have seen it before, and now, when I want more than anything to just get married and have kids, would it come back?? Would having had a Speedo as a child changed this? Would having my grandmother alive keep this repressed? Somehow, I think there is a connection between speedos and feeling young to me. I don't know.

I would still make an amazing dad, but my depression about this is slowly killing me to the point I can hardly take care of myself. I just want this to be over!

Gosh,

I hope someone sees this and replies! I am in a point in my relationship where I am about to try sex but I am terrified I won't work right because of all this. Now again I have used plenty of regular things to "explore" myself but I am afraid I will not be able to perform sexually. Is there anything I can do to put my mind at ease?