Speedo Obsession or Pedophilia?

there's nothing wrong with just knowing the name of a website, soregretfu. why does it suck? its just the name of a website. and it doesnt matter what "some people" are caling the pictures you look at/ looked at. you know youre not a pedophile. im certain your girlfriend knows you arent a pedopile either, and im certain your future children will too.

if you dont mind my asking, what exactly are you taking medication for? and are you seeing a therapist?

I just hate knowing it because it is the name of a "pedophilic" website! It was shut down like 6 years ago, so how did I make it that far and why didn't it bother me before! I am just so bothered by knowing it because it just goes against who I am! I teach children and I certainly did not want to look at them in a sexual light.

I am on OCD medication...Luvox. I don't know how it is supposed to help. I kind of got the impression that the medication would help thoughts diminish in frequency. I am not sure if it can help you take the regret out of something that is already done. I was going to therapy, but financially, it got to be too expensive, and I really did not feel any better. I would not and could not look at any child pornography! I would be sick about it! I hate that I have this fetish, because I looked at something that a pedophile would enjoy. I guess I didn't really think it through. I am more disappointed that I brought children into it. All these really were were pictures of kids in speedos, but I guess that is bad enough!

-- Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:47 am --

And what if by the grace of God, I have a boy? Will I just picture him in Speedos? Another thing is that my uncle was arrested for sexually abusing a 13 year old boy. I feel no better than he is! I am supposed to be a champion for kids, but I feel like I went against who I was. It makes me mad because these images come up on a google search! It isn't like they are pornographic, but the websites probably aren't the best thing to look at! I wish I would have realized this earlier!

well soregretfu you cant do anything about the fact you know about this website. what ou CAN do is accept that your knowledge of its previous existence does not reflect ANYTHING about your character. i can tell that youre strongly against pedophilia, and you obviously know that yourself. knowing the name of a website that featured child pornography does not change anything about that. Think of it this way - you may know where to buy a gun, but that doesnt make you a homicidal maniac. you might now where you could by drugs from, but that doesnt make you an addict. you might know a bar in town, but that doesnt make you an alcoholic. its the same thing right here. i know you never intended to view children sexually, and i know you know it too. i know it can be difficult when you suffer from OCD (i have it myself), but you need to try and let go of these thoughts. theyre doing nothing but hurting you.

do you know what else a pedophile would enjoy? a nice steak dinner. maybe youd like a nice steak dinner as well. that doesnt make you a pedophile. do you know why that is? because, like your viewing of the website, you wouldnt be eating that steak because you have a sexual attraction to children. that is, naturally, a tad silly of an example. more akin to what youre going through ould be a school play - a place where some pedophiles watch and/ or videotape to see children. some like it because it feels like cosplay, others like it because the kids are trying to act mature - one way or another, many pedophiles who watch children's plays do so to turn themselves on. now you, as a teacher, might ALSO enjoy watching a children's play, but NOT because you receive sexual gratification from seeing children. just because youre enjoying the same thing as a pedophile might does not, in any way, make you a pedophile, for the simple reason that you do not act BECAUSE you are sexually attracted to children. in your case, you act because youre sexually attracted to Speedos. not children. speedos. im sorry if i sound like a broken record, but i dont know what else to say! i want you to feel better about this, because there is NO REASON you should feel bad at all

all of this said, you might want to check out some of the posts by pedophiles in the paraphilias section. most of them are really good people, adn very few pedophiles ever act on their urges. i feel like youve unfairly demonized them. if you came to grips with the nature of pedophiles, came to know how many of them are god, decent people, and came to know the amount of difficulty they have in their struggles, i thnk youd be much more okay with your fetish. be grateful that you dont have to suffer like they do, through no fault of their own. just look at where you are right now - in a happy committed relationship with a woman you intend to marry. imagine never being abe to have that. imagine hearing your title - pedophile- spoken with disgust inalmost every source of pop culture. imagine staying asleep at night, fixating on the thoughts that millions of people are out there who - just like you are right now - fear and hate pedophilia more than anyone else in the world. imagine all the persecution and frustration. because THAT'S the world these people live in. and yet, they persevere, and refuse to let their frustration and libido force them into doing something awful. i admire the strength of those people. i think its time that you take another look at your values.

I think a lot of people can find young people attractive, case in point a young lady and what appeared to be her mother was in the bank today, while in line I was thinking wow, both are beautiful, of course I would never try to meet or get close to the daughter but she was pleasing to look at. My point being it does not make me a pedophile.
Part of being an adult is knowing right from wrong, knowing we would never act on things that are illegal no matter what it may be. If we were all jailed for the thoughts we have, there would be no rush hour traffic at 5 o clock LOL

I just hate that this is on my mind all the time! I am going to try to have a child with this girl in two months. She is risking a lot by going off of medication for the hope of becoming pregnant. I just don't feel like myself. Should I just go for it? I know I love her and want to give her the world. I just don't want to feel like this forever! What would any of you do?

So we meet again, SR

I haven't bothered to read through your thread here because I know your story well enough. I don't think this is the right section for this post. Your problem is so obviously OCD related. Post in that section, and I'm sure you'll find others who can help you.

i would just go for it. this fetish of yours is really quite mild, especailly compared to your obsession ABOUT the fetish. Were you to have a child, youwould love him or her in every way that a parent is supposed to, and this fetish certainly isnt abotu to change that. im certain you could give that girl everything she wants and needs as well. You are absolutely fine. your family will be absolutely fine. whether you choose to embrace your fetish or run away from it and pretend like it doesnt exist, is up to you. neither one will make you into a pedophile, and neither one will make you into a bad person. its your choice. what matters much more right now is that youre ready to make this big step. aside from your speedo fetish, this is an enormous step forward and an incredible undertaking. you need to make sure that youll be prepared for it.

Well, I am back.....

I am getting ready to try some therapy now that I have a refund coming. I am just horrified that this is happening and even more horrified that I made it happen. I still contend that this wasn't child porn because so much of it is on YouTube. Not that it makes me happy that I came across it, but why would a parent tape their child dancing around in a speedo and put it up for the world to see? Why would you want this for your child?

On the other hand, why the heck do I know its there? I am just disgusted. I just can't get it off of my mind! So scared I will never be able to function without guilt ever again! Why would a kid turn me on...that is so not natural? I guess it would have to be the Speedo, then. I don't know! I am spending a lot of time sleeping so I don't have to think about this. I know who I am, I know I would never want to sexually abuse a kid....so why did I do something that goes against this? I am in a huge hole here with no way out!!!

what ar eyou horrified about happening? the therapy? your speedo fetish? the fact that youve viewed material that you consider "dirty?" the reason that paretns are okay taping their children wearing speedos because they know there's not actually anything inherently dirty abotu it. even if it were wrong, even if they did construe it as sexual, keep in mind, their child isnt hurt in any way by it. you didnt hurt ANYONE by looking at kids in speedos. except maybe yourself.

you now it there because you were curious. you didnt do anthing wrong, you didnt hurt anyone, all you ever did was get off to a couple of pictures of clothing. the guilt yure describing though - THATS what the therapist will be able to help you with more than anythign else. and weve been over this again and again you KNOW it isnt the kid that turns you on. its the speedo, the object of your obsession. not the child. you are not a pedophile. your preference is not comprable to pedophilia. looking at children in speedos, getting off to those pcitures - that isnt sexual abuse. not even in the slightest. you did not "go against' anythign. and there isnt a hole here excet the the guilt youve created in your own mind. all you need to do is forgive yourself and accept that you ahvent done anythign wrong.

Do you have any insight as to how a therapist would do that? I just want to not feel like a sicko anymore. It has been so long. The comment you said about me hurting myself is the entirety of my problem. I did, and I am so angry at myself. I don't want to just burn through another therapist though...I need to find one that will help. I am not sure how to begin that conquest!