Violence fetish?....advice?

This is my first post, so I hope I get this right. If I messed up just let me know, and then I can correct it. I'm 19, which I guess may seem like an odd age to be worried like crazy. I don't want to be overly detailed, but I'm not sure what all I should say. Hopefully this is alright, and then I can answer anything if someone needs more details.

Ever since I was young, I've had violent fantasies. Just for the record, I know these are wrong and would never act on them unless consent was given. My first boyfriend and I were actually really similar in our interests. It worked out well, because we'd just traded back and forth. We broke up however, and have been for a while now. I have trouble "reacting" if it's just plain "vanilla" sex.

I'm not the most social, and I've only had the one boyfriend that I had sex with. The last relationship I had was with a female, but she broke it off fairly quickly. The violent fantasies aren't a new thing though, and they just seem to surface more lately. Both my ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend say I just take what I want sexually, though I actually would describe myself as shy and quiet.

Usually I don't tell anyone about the fantasies I have, as I know they aren't "normal." I actually tried disclosing some to a very close friend, but he says I just need help. At 19, I'm not sure if these thoughts are just "normal" and will go away...or not. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? If so, is there any advice?

Hi Night Prowler,

I too have violent sexual fantasies, and have had them all my life, since perhaps the age of 9 of 10.

Night_Prowler wrote:Both my ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend say I just take what I want sexually, though I actually would describe myself as shy and quiet.

'Taking' can refer to focussing less on giving pleasure to your partner, and more on receiving pleasure. It does not mean that you are loud and aggressive. And it's not necessarily a bad thing to be a 'taker'. Sometimes sexual relationships work very well if one partner is more of a 'taker' and one more of a 'giver', as long as they're both content in those rules.

Night_Prowler wrote:If so, is there any advice?

Try to separate sexual fantasies (and masturbation) with sexual intercourse with a partner. When you have sex with a partner, try not to think about violent fantasies - doing so will probably only make it more difficult for you to enjoy sex, unless you are actually role-playing a violent fantasy. Instead, focus on the actual experience of having sex. Use all your senses and concentrate on what you are touching, smelling, hearing, seeing etc. Be in the moment.

Maybe also try to focus more on your partner and giving him/her pleasure, rather than waiting for your partner to please or excite you. I've found that giving a partner pleasure is the quickest and most reliable way for me to get in the mood.

Hi Platypus,

Thanks for replying. I can't say that enough.

I've never really heard of someone being more a 'taker' in a relationship being a good thing. I was actually kind of worried about it. Looking at it now, I think all my relationships have been that way though. I tend to focus more on my own pleasure, probably because its so rare. In a way, I feel like with the violent fantasies I have a harder time getting pleasure.

Right now, I can't have sexual intercourse with a partner. At best, I can just try to separate the thoughts. As it is, it's really hard to enjoy sex and I want that to change (obviously). Since you've had these thoughts too, do they go away with time?

I'm just curious, is there any real reason a person has these thoughts?

Night_Prowler wrote:I've never really heard of someone being more a 'taker' in a relationship being a good thing.

If you imagine a relationship with two people who are strong 'givers', you can probably see how that could be a problem. For example, if both people don't enjoy receiving oral sex and love to give oral sex, that's a potential source of conflict. It doesn't mean the relationship won't work, but it's more difficult than a sexual relationship with one person who loves to give and one who loves to receive. A lot of people are fairly balanced though - they like to share or alternate giving and taking, and that can work well too.

For fun you may like to take this sexual style quiz. It ranks you on four variables based on other respondents' answers. There is no one style better than any other. However some styles are more compatible with each other. Of course the test isn't scientific, but it may help you to see how your sexual behaviour isn't wrong or bad - rather it may simply not have been very compatible with your previous partners'.

Most of us have to deal with some degree of sexual incompatibility. It's unlikely that we'll find a partner who loves all the same things we do when it comes to sex. So working out how to compromise and find common sexual interests is very useful!

Night_Prowler wrote:Since you've had these thoughts too, do they go away with time?

I believe, like all thoughts, we can choose to encourage them or discourage them. By allowing ourselves to think about something, we reinforce that thought. It's a bit like if you tell yourself "I am fat" over and over again, you reinforce that idea in your mind and give it more power over you.
But I have not tried to stop my violent fantasies and they have not gone away.

If you feel the fantasies are a problem for you, you could try to stop yourself whenever you think about them. Force yourself to switch to another topic, or to a non-violent fantasy. It will be hard at first, but little by little you can train your mind. You may always find violence erotic, but I don't think you need to be dependent upon violent fantasies to become aroused or to enjoy sex.

Night_Prowler wrote:I'm just curious, is there any real reason a person has these thoughts?

I think a lot about human sexuality is not yet understood. I have read several theories about why women have rape fantasies, but I have personally found the reasons given do not seem to apply readily to me and the fantasies I have. If there has been some abuse or trauma in your past, that might have contributed to you having these fantasies. But perhaps we will never know the answer to "Why?"

Hi Night_Prowler,

I have violent fantasies as well, and I, too, had them ever since I can remember. I don´t believe mine will ever go away, and I´m okay with that. When I was young, many of my friends had similar fantasies (then again, maybe I just had a knack for picking such people), but once they hit puberty, the fantasies went away and they started to be interested in boys, while my fantasies stayed with me. I don´t know if such fantasies can also naturally go away at a later point, like at 19.

As for ways to re-condition myself:
There were times when I tried to think about "good, appropriate" things instead of all the "perverted" stuff when masturbating (never had intercourse), but I found it always backfired. If my "perversion" could not openly manifest itself, it would do so covertly: By forcing myself to think about stuff that bored me to death, I was violating myself, my needs, who I was - and that felt good. Besides, the whole exercise was based on the idea that I was a sick f*** who needed to be reformed - another thing my "perversion" could feed off.
Recently, just as an experiment, I tried to focus purely on the physical sensations. It was interesting, it worked reasonably well - but afterwards, I just lay there and cried. I was completely disconnected from it and just observed my body perform a physical act. I felt like I was abusing myself. For real, that is.

This is not meant to discourage you. People are different, and what is wrong for me could be right for you and vice versa. If you want to work on your sexual preferences, go ahead and get yourself all the help you need. I don´t think, though, that you should feel pressured to do so because you think you are selfish, or you worry that you will never be capable of having a lasting relationship with anyone.

I don´t know if you are selfish, since I don´t know you personally. But generally, I believe that being selfish in bed has nothing to do with the kind of sex you have. If you are selfish in bed, you will be selfish in a vanilla relationship just as much as in a kinky relationship. Kinky sex, no matter which role you play, isn´t selfish in itself. A lot of the things a person in a kinky relationship does might look selfish, but in fact the other person loves her for doing it.

You said you got along well sexually with your ex-boyfriend. I´m sorry to hear you broke up; was the break-up related to your sexual preferences? I´m sure, though, there are other people who share your preferences and with whom you could form a good relationship, if you should wish so.

Platypus wrote:I think a lot about human sexuality is not yet understood. I have read several theories about why women have rape fantasies, but I have personally found the reasons given do not seem to apply readily to me and the fantasies I have. If there has been some abuse or trauma in your past, that might have contributed to you having these fantasies. But perhaps we will never know the answer to "Why?"

Well we do actually. We have a pleasure center and a pain center. Given the right (or wrong rather) factors the one crosses over into the other. They become intertwined. So a certain stimulus can activate both at the same time, and pain becomes pleasurable or vice versa.

The rape fantasies are exactly like watching a horror movie. You know you are safe so you can watch the film and get a thrill from it. Would a vampire suddenly appear in real life you'd scream and run for your life.

Inferior_Force wrote: You said you got along well sexually with your ex-boyfriend. I´m sorry to hear you broke up; was the break-up related to your sexual preferences? I´m sure, though, there are other people who share your preferences and with whom you could form a good relationship, if you should wish so.

Actually, I feel that the opposite is very much more the case. My ex-boyfriend and I had many of the same issues in common. He enjoyed the same types of things sexually that I did, and so it worked well for us. We both have bad family backgrounds though, which led to bad childhoods. His way of coping was to never show emotion, while mine was often times sharing too much right away. In the end, we broke up over that lack of emotion. I'd say the sexual part kept us together more than anything else.

I'm currently trying to start a new relationship with someone. This is my first time trying to have a "normal" relationship with anyone. He's actually quite shy, and won't even hug me yet. I've been trying to get my thoughts under control as well. Life seems a little emptier because of it, and I went through a little time where I felt at a loss. Things seem to be working out a little more, I just have to get used to living a "normal" type of lifestyle. It does feel really empty though, like it's something I'm not.

I´m sorry for the delay, but hey, better late than never...

Did you just fall in love with someone who doesn´t share your fetish, or did you consciously decide to try to have a vanilla relationship? Do you know for sure your new partner isn´t into it? If he is very shy, then he will probably have a hard time talking about kinky stuff, right?

Do you feel like you could tell him about it (or did you do so already), or do you feel like you will have to keep it secret? I guess it is always a bit difficult to have a relationship where the sexual preferences are very different, but being unable to talk about it would probably make it even harder.

I have had similar issues since I was a child and I have recently been looking for ways to guide my "issues" in a positive way I am not a receiver I have sexual fantasies and daydreams about forcing someone to have sex with me and it has effected both my family life and dating life and I wanted to ask if you know of any techniques that have helped you that might help me it's hard for me sometimes because it's not something I can be up front about in a relationship and for clarification I am a 20 year old male