Screwed_Up wrote:Yes it's the same for me. A way to relieve the stress and pain. It hurts to feel inferior and helpless and so what better way to alleviate that than to turn it into something to bring pleasure. I don't really remember the time first my inferiority and helplessness aroused me, but I remember being very young and enjoying the thought of being tied up. I remember even the age of 5 the thought of being tied up and the thought of being turned into an inanimate object gave me an erection. This was even before I knew what an erection was. I wonder if I'm hardwired that way or if a verbally abusive parent is what the trigger was. I was always smaller than everyone in my class and I was bullied easily. I never stood up for myself. That was the worst feeling of all even worse than the bullying. I hated the fact that I was too much of a coward to stand up for myself. It was an incredible feeling of shame. I still feel ashamed. So after awhile instead of dealing with feelings of shame I put it into my head that I was supposed to be bullied and humiliated because that's who I am. It was easier for me to say to myself I enjoy being treated like crap because I deserve it instead of saying to myself I am going to stand up for myself because I don't deserve to be treated like crap. When you are bullied just because of how you look you internalize that and believe that you deserve to be bullied and therefore you need to be bulled.
In your case you say taking your clothes off and exposing yourself was a way to humiliate yourself before you were even humiliated? But if you weren't humiliated by others did you even know what humiliation was? Were you maybe trying to get something other than humiliation by exposing yourself.
I had a very strict mother who was obsessed with how she and her family presented themselves in public so she was always correcting any mistakes I made at home that she said would humiliate me and our family if I did that in public. For me even something as insignificant as forgetting to zip up the pants zipper after going to the bathroom was loaded with potential for humiliation. Therefore, when I started school I had my mother's strict voice in my head and I began to judge others based on what my mother would say about how they looked or acted.
However, this all backfired on me at around 8 years old with two events that happened at school: 1) I had a young attractive female teacher who would show her silky slips when she would speak to the students who would sit in the floor 2) There was a boy in my class who for some reason wore pants that were too big for him so he was always showing his underwear. The sight of these two people who didn't seem to care at all that they were exposing themselves everyday really shocked me and I became sexually aroused and I wanted to start exposing myself too. I still remember the first time when I unbuttoned and unzipped my pants in class so that I could expose myself. At home I first started undressing in front of my older sister who was 12. Soon I began doing this at meals with the whole family, I would pretend that it was an "accident" and that my pants were just sliding off of me but one night I can remember my father picked me up from the table and said "That will be enough of your stripping!" and he led me back to my bedroom without my being able to finish the rest of my meal.
So I definitely had these humiliation triggers prior to being bullied.
Your early arousal over thoughts of being tied up or turned into an inanimate object suggest to me that your arousal over humiliation is deeply rooted. Was it a boy or girl who turned you into an inanimate object? For many years I had dreams that I was taking a test at school and I was running out of time to complete it, and the dream would reach a point in which I would just give up and accept that I wasn't going to finish the test. These were always wet dreams, accepting defeat in the dream gave me orgasms in real life. The weird thing about humiliation fantasies is that once you've fantasized about being totally humiliated it actually makes you less worried about being degraded in real life because you've already prepared your mind ahead of time for all possibilities.
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