Fetish I believe me posting here also satisfies my fetish

Not sure where to list this but I believe I either have a fetish of a real mental dysfunction. I am married happily but have been sort of always a narcissist. I love people looking at me either disgusted or attracted. I wear kind of suggestive clothes for a man. I wear woman jeans. I show some skin I wear snug or tight tops and chain link necklaces.
I like to walk into a place and have men w their spouses glance at me strangely or women looking away awkwardly.
I like to post on Craigslist and look for someone to text some graphics stuff or Show a almost bare pic of me. I haven't done private part though I feel that is cheating strangely.

I wish one day I can exhibit myself jerking off or something while others watch me in a private place. I am middle aged but I have been complimented countless times I look very young even late twenties. I work out and keep real fit and shave all my body hair some people don't like it I heard thinking it reminds them of a little boy but I feel it is erotic. I wish sometimes I can be a woman or experience having breasts. I work out specifically so that my hips and butt look similar to a woman's. I have a muscular upper body though ( not meathead muscular but like an Abercrombie)
I love to drip astroglide on myself and jerk off really hard for one hour straight sometimes late at night or on weekend so sometimes I am tired in morning.
I love to video myself but always erase it after viewing it. In fear of being caught. I don't know. Is that beig unfaithful?
I'm just confused now as time is very stressing these days as Iam havig employment difficulties.
Thanks
Hope this wasn't too graphic.