Courage to Leave a Bad Situation

I posted here previously as the wife standing alongside a man who has had delusion disorder jealousy subtype for years(and also very likely persecutory subtype). I am now a free woman. Eleven days ago a straw broke the camel's back and I just - LEFT. A feat that even a week previously I did not know if I would have the courage to perform, and definitely not as well as I did it. I feel like I have been carried on the wings of angels. The first few days there was some separation anxiety and tears, but for most of this time I have been feeling GREAT. I have been perpetually shocked at just how wonderful I am feeling, starting a new life in another state in my parents' home. It shows me how bad it really was, and how blind I was to it, until I had the courage to leave its oppressive, tyrannical, life-insulting presence. He did not want to seek help, because he did not believe he needed help. "For better or for worse" does not mean that you must stay in a place that destroys your soul. The relief I am feeling in my soul right now is immense.
I do not regret the over nine years I spent in this relationship, because it made me into who I am today, and I really really like who I am today. I am now officially the strongest person I have ever known. There is no other path I could have taken in life, to make me into who I am today.
I am writing this to let all of you who have DDJ spouses know that there is very much hope for life after leaving. Please have the courage to leave: we all know that over 90% of these cases are without a happy resolution, anyway.

Calico,
I too left a husband with delusional jealousy. It was not an easy decision, but I felt sooo relieved and safe after I left and have not once doubted it was the right decision. Truly the only sane decision that could be made. I was with my husband for 11 years. The last 2 years he became delusional and my story is very similar to all the sad stories posted here. Finding this site has been very, very helpful as it helped me to understand it truly had NOTHING to do with me.
It was a long slow bleed as our relationship deteriorated prior to the delusions emerging. By the time I left I had done alot of grieving already. I too took my marriage commitment very seriously and never imagined my mariage would end. However, there is a point where it is no longer healthy or emotionaly (or potentially physically) safe to stay.
The psychiatrist I spoke to about it (after I left) told me he knew of NO cases of a marriage surviving this condition.

Calico,

Were children involved in your leaving your husband? If so, how did this situation affect them? I have children to think of, and it complicates everything immensely.

MrSicily

Mr. Sicily,

I have kids - a year ago when I left they were 7 and almost 5yrs. It has been a huge loss and adjustment for them. My husband asked me to leave (for the second time) when my father was in his final days in the hospital. It was a very difficult time, however, it did give the kids and I a familiar place to be as we moved in with my mother (who really couldn't live on her own due to memory problems).

From what I remember reading from other things you've posted, I think your situation is very complicated. It's hard under so much stress to tune into what your gut or intuition is saying. But I didn't leave until I felt a peace to do so. (for me that's sometimes the way answers to prayer come).

I hope you are able to find the answers you need.

Calico & Evergreen,
About 1 year ago I stood confident and posted that I would stay with my wife no matter what. At that time, she was what I believe to be delusional for 4 years. Now as Christmas rolls around and the 5 year anniversary of her first "weird" questions draws near, I am seriously contemplating leaving. I have asked her, no wait, BEGGED HER to leave on multiple occasions but she will not. So it is I that will probably have to leave.

When asked by a counselor this past summer why I would not leave, I explained that I would feel guilty abandoning my wife. I also explained that I was worried about what my kids would think of their father abandoning the family. See my father abandoned our family when I was 8 years old and I said I would never do that. But I never contemplated being in this situation either. Honestly, who would ever think of being in our situations? By the way, my kids are both young adults and I'm not sure they see anything wrong with their mother. All the more perplexing for me.

So I've planned it. The money, where to live, everything. Just can't summon the courage to pull the trigger. Your posts helped assure me that I'm not alone. I suppose I'm waiting for that one big "event" but I'm not exactly sure how many more "events" I need to go.

Thanks for posting and for sharing any more details about how you summoned up that courage.

I am right there with you. I had to ask my husband of 17 years to leave our home and 3 kids a couple of months ago. It has taken me two years to realize what is going on. I have been accused of having affairs with 3 different men, am under constant scrutiny, always being asked where i am , what i am doing, and honestly, we had such an amazing relationship until about 2 years ago when it started getting progressively worse. Now, he is doing everything to say that I am the problem, coming up with ridiculous and irrational instances of my "lying" -- when i think about all the time I have spent trying to "prove" my innocence, I can't believe it. It is very very hard to believe that this has happened to my life, my marriage, but I just can't set an example for my children (2 teenage girls and a young boy) that this is the way life is supposed to be. My husband would become suddenly and inexplicably angry and belligerent over what he perceived to be my obsession with other men, or that I was choosing to spend time with someone other than him. He would make more and more irrational demands that I stop doing things, stop seeing people. He used some kind of remote view spyware to watch what I was doing on the computer, read all my texts secretly, used mobile me to locate me (because he doubted where I said i would be) and would set traps to try and "catch" me in lies. He believes that I have a "secret life." He is such an amazing, smart, creative and wonderful person, but he has been taken over by this bizarre disorder. Many of our friends have no idea that this is what is going on, and that has been a huge dilemma for me, i feel like I am betraying him by telling people what is going on, but I am betraying myself by not getting the support that I need to get through this.

I feel horrible that I cannot help him but I am coming to terms with the fact that I can do nothing to help him. He does not believe me, he does not trust me, he thinks i am gaslighting him. It is so incredibly sad but I feel so confident that I am doing the right thing by leaving him. It was becoming so unpredictable that I felt like I never knew what to expect when I walked in the door each day or woke up each morning. We could be in the middle of a seemingly normal, calm and happy evening and all of a sudden he would give me the finger and go off to bed, thinking that i was planning on meeting up with some imaginary lover. I thought I was losing my mind. We went to counselors and he would tell them things like "I can't trust her because she is the kind of person who would sleep with someone else and not care who she hurt because she has a keen sense of entitlement". all of this based on nothing. nothing. I never ever even considered being unfaithful in my marriage. And, of course, now he is completely convinced that I am the one with a mental illness, that I need to go to a "retreat for liars". He projected all of his own feelings and securities onto me "you just want a divorce so other people won't know you have a mental illness". its so bizarre and sad. He always was a very strong willed and even controlling person. I am no retiring lily, I am a doctor and very self confident and motivated and have a lot of good friends I think this is the biggest test of my ability to trust myself that I will face in my lifetime. Its not going to be easy, I know, but I am so happy I have taken the first step.

ssoma, how did you get him to leave? I can't seem to get my wife to leave. She says that she is not leaving "her" house and explained to our son that I was trying to throw her out of our house. I keep waiting for her to leave or ask me to leave but she won't. Instead, she just makes life miserable for both of us. And for the life of me I can't figure out why it is so important to me that SHE forces the next step (either leaving or asking me to leave). One dynamic is that she does not work and has no way to make money. She has said that his keeping her tied to me. I told her I would give her money and take care of her but she said that I am not reliable or trustworthy. This is all part of my dilemma as well.

Thanks for posting ssoma (I see it's your first time) and thanks for referencing "gaslighting". I have been accused multiple times of the same thing. Just this past Sunday, I was accused of snapping a picture of her while walking through the living room. Why am I still here?

I have been divorced for over 2 years now. I still need to communicate with him (mostly thru emails) because of the children. And he continues to call me a lier. Just last week he sent me an email belittling me for a matter regarding our son's extracurricular activity. He stated that what I told him about our son's behavior and feelings "very hard to believe" and then went in length to lecture me about how not to "dramatize" things. On the same day, he sent me a nice Xmas card in mail to wish me a great holiday season.

This may sound like a small incident not worth mention, but it reminds me again how my life used to be. He made up his own reality and my version of the truth was just plain out lie. After spending hours and hours checking, following, and confronting me for the "truth" (for 3 years), he finally concluded that I was too smart for him to catch me, I was the one who had a mental issue, and I had been feeding everyone "coolaid". He would flip flop between his old sweet self and the cruel and angry delusional man. I never knew what to expect.

My strategy now is to disengage. Though my instinct wanted to respond, explain, and to argue with him; I have learned to calm down, and tell myself that all efforts to persuade him will be wasted and probably will even further entrench his delusional beliefs.

In this holiday season, sometimes it is hard not to feel sad for my ex. He used to have a wonderful family, now he is all alone. He has not been able to have a lasting and meaningful relationship since he moved out (there was one who came close, but he broke up with her abruptly.) He is like a lost soul drifting. My selfish thought is to hope that he continues to function well until our son reaches an older age.

I so appreciate all your posts. I hope your posting your experiences is helpful and I hope you feel supported by others as I have.
I was married to my husband for 20 years. In 2003 he started accusing me of having affairs. I have never done such a thing. He stalked me and others, called me numerous times a day, checked the bed linens and me for signs of sexual intercourse, hired a private detective, and accused me of unfaithfulness many times a day. He also regularly called me a slut and a whore. Also he verbally threatened me and told me once that he wanted to suffocate me, break my neck and then throw me on the lawn of a man's home he thought I was having sex with. Also he lost his drivers ed position because he would drive through towns telling his students that certain homes were where I was having sex. This was all very hard on and damaging to my teenage children. This delusional, accusative, verbally abusive behavior went on for years. Believe me. many times I just wanted to leave my home and never come back. I could not do this however because I would not leave my children who needed a stable parent. He did agree to counseling initially but then stopped this as "he doesn't have any problem, I do" Finally in 2005, after a psychologist he was seeing, suggested that he must move out of the home. This was a huge relief. Unfortunately because I had no restraining order against him he moved back into the home and was living in the furnace room. Everyday was a nightmare because of the accusations, verbal abuse, etc. I was very hesitant to pursue a divorce though because I did not think that this was correct in God's eyes. Thankfully my ex in 2005 filed for divorce. He stated he did this because he thought "if he filed I would finally tell the truth" After two years of him being cruel, accusative, doing everything he could do to hurt me as well as begging me to tell the truth we were divorced. The Psychiatrists and psychologists that worked with my ex husband for a while informed me that this disorder has a terrible prognosis and that it is really impossible to change this thought disorder (the delusions) Medication can help take away to some extent the focus or attention on the delusion but the delusional system does not go away. I have been divorced for almost 5 years and my ex still has the same delusions. They are very elaborate. He is very convincing and very intelligent, crafty and manipulative and has convinced people that his delusions are true.
I think It is important to remember that there is virtually no way to continue in a relationship with people with DDJ. Also it is important to remember that there is a risk of homocide and suicide in people with DDJ. So please take precautions, have a safety plan in place.
I have a question that I was wondering if anyone can answer??? Do any of you know of someone with DDJ that has moved on to a new relationship? Have they become delusional with the new person? My ex very recently remarried. Will this poor woman ( she was warned by others by the way about his mental problems) experience the torment that I endured? What is the prognosis for a new relationship with someone with DDJ ??

Hmmmm. So I think that if I leave, then I will be the one that is isolated and alone. My wife has only damaged our relationship and no others. So if I leave, it serves to confirm her delusions that I was planning to leave all along and everyone will rally around her. That is my quandry. Any thoughts on that?