Questions About Relationships From Nons

Apres l Orage,

"I believe that rehashing the past is the symptom of a hurt not being processed."

Yes, that answered my question. Sorry for the late reply, as I didn't catch this post earlier.

My unaware N sister relates past hurts in her life over and over, and the rest of the family have wondered why she hasn't moved on, many years later. Not on a grand scale, like Storm's, but same ol', nevertheless. It's like that's another notch on her belt, and she drags out same sad story, which is all in her disordered mind through her NPD lens. What makes it stranger still is the fact that the event originally happened differently from the pov of the rest of the family. It's like her story is the one that got embellished, blown out of proportion, and it's the only authentic version, according to her. Hard to say whether she perceives any real truth either, as everything gets filtered thru that lens.

I can understand why some nons describe a PD'd person's hard luck (unprocessed hurt) stories as "fairytales". There is a small kernel of truth with a big confabulation wrapped around it which in turn raises a reaction of disbelief, "huh???" Unprocessed hurt is that kernel of truth. And she doesn't see it, really sad.

realityhere wrote:I can understand why some nons describe a PD'd person's hard luck (unprocessed hurt) stories as "fairytales". There is a small kernel of truth with a big confabulation wrapped around it which in turn raises a reaction of disbelief, "huh???" Unprocessed hurt is that kernel of truth. And she doesn't see it, really sad.

I find this very idea quite fascinating actually, it seems like there is a spectrum that ranges from "I am defective and undeserving" to "everybody else is defective but me", the latter being found in narcissism. I find quite fascinating how much your position on this spectrum is going to inform your personality.

I have been in an on and off again relationship for close to two years with a possible NPD.

We had our last recent break up because I snooped when using his phone and saw flirty texts between him another woman "friend" (former lover and maybe "harem" member?). I told on myself and stated that I should not use his phone again because of the potential to cause problems. I did not condemn his behavior or say what I saw. He flew into a rage, said I could go to hell, that he would rather be with the "ugliest bitch ever than be with someone like me", that he wants me to stay far away from him, that I am a "bitch".

I admit that snooping sucks. However, it has not been my MO. I have become progressively snoopy over time in this relationship. Truthfully I know I should have gotten away a long time ago.

He has broken up with me due to an injury to his pride 4 times. He seems to blow up out of nowhere. Then he will cut me off completely until he eventually contacts me again when I don't reach out to him. I intended not to let him back in every time but did every time.

We talked yesterday. I told him I felt crazy. That this had finally gotten to me. I had never done that before.

He seemed to feel almost satisfied that I was so upset. He went on to to say how I was psycho and had problems with snooping and how I was crazy because I made him get off of his dating site. No rational person would see it that way. But he consistently turns everything around on me.

This time I have been flipping out and sending a million crazy texts. Embarrassing. But really I think it's just too much damage and I can't handle it. I can probably leave it alone now though after two generally crazy text bombs over a the past two weeks.

At any rate I would like to see what people think about his potential for Narcissism.

His Stats:
- Extremely charming
- Very attractive
- Good reputation
- Very flattering
- History of physical abuse in marriage
- History of cheating in marriage
- Grew up in dire circumstances in a machismo culture(extreme poverty, abusive alcoholic father abandoned his mother, they barely survived)
- Very driven and successful considering his past
- Gets jealous when I hang out with female friends and says I don't spend enough time with him
- Pattern of getting extremely offended at little comments or perceived slights and then being very mean.
(ex. one time after feeling ignored by him I said "well I will just find my own adventure for tonight", he became upset, I apologized, and that prompted a month "break" from him, where neither of us contacted each other for a month until he called me and I took him back)
-Pattern of turning things around to be my fault
(ex. I accidentally saw a link to a dating site while borrowing his phone, he said it was old (pre-us), I left it alone. Got a bug up my butt about it a month later and saw his profile online active within 24hrs. He denied using it, said it was my fault for finding things like that, and said he would not take it down because I was being controlling and he would then have to become controlling with me. I eventually saw that he had been messaging all kinds of women around the country saying weird crap about falling in love with their pictures, etc.)
- Suspicious
(Says he considered "hiring someone to spy one me" but he doesn't because he is not "crazy" but I am for looking at his phone )

My Stats:
- Extremely empathic
- Attractive
- "Understanding" (rationalize #######5 behavior)
- Grew up with little to no demonstrative physical or verbal affection (affection starved)
- Grew up in stable home
- Father is possibly a candidate for Narcissism
- Almost 20 years younger than him
- Emotionally Reserved
- Generally calm
- Independent
- Driven
- No history of physical abuse
- History of dating emotionally explosive men
- Tend to be the one to "talk people down" from their emotions, but eventually I will blow especially up after a couple months of being treated badly or dealing with extremely irrational people.


Thoughts?

^Hi snake55
What is it you wanna hear?

It was right of you to snoop and control him. Now you know exactly what kind of man he is. A cheater, abuser and a liar, who instead of apologizing attacks you with vile hurtful stuff.

As soon as he is bored or annoyed by you he will register at another dating site. GO NO CONTACT!
Stop text bombing him! He told you he'd rather be with the ugliest chick in the world. I know it's hard to accept that he doesn't want you. Your fighting to get back into his good graces. But with being all over him you repell him even further. Telling him how much he's gotten to you and all will make things worse!!!!! MUCH WORSE! Go silent. IF you want him. Ignor his next text. At the moment he is wielding all the power and is looking down on you. Besides, stop going after him. Hell never treat you any better. NEVER! He even has a history of cheating and abuse!

You only prolonge your agony. He is your Ex, thinks you are a bitch, rather dates someone else -anyone actually!!!, considers you crazy, etc.

Time to call it a day sweetheart!

Doesn't matter if he's a narc or just an a$$hole. Stop obsessing about him!!!! He ain't worth another second of your time, nor mine.

I think this is beautiful! <3 ^^. And YEP I think it's IS possible. . You admiring him, so much... Wow! Seriously, this makes even ME feel all good! ^^. What I usually, personally, lack, is a capability of admiration in people...
BUT, back on topic. Hmm... Why not keep everything on you? I mean, instead of critizicing him, you tell him about you? I mean, if he doen't call, tell about what it makes YOU feel? What it makes YOU do? Not like treats and maybe nothing like my suggestion, but as two people talking about themselves, with each other? Not so much, YOU make me feel, but more about your world and your world alone? Seen as one person, not two? Where you DO NOT have the responsibility to keep each other whole? But are two seperate amazing unique creatures, in love?
Hope it makes sense!
Best wishes! <3

~Narcissa

Is there any reason why a narcissist would be more abusive to some people than to others?

He had an easy divorce with his ex-wife, they ended it on good terms and they are still friends. Also, their marriage lasted for 10 years. Somehow she made it with him for so long. His former girlfriend claims that he is such a sensitive, emotional person who cares about others so much (wtf?) ...apparently, they ended it on good terms too.

Whereas with me... it was a long-distance, non-exclusive kind of affair, just a few dates really and his abuse was so obvious that I was running away fast. After only a few dates. And the break-up was worse than I have ever experienced (if I can call it a break-up, because he has never acknowledged that I called it off and now he is stalking me). It definitely didn't end on good terms.

For me very quickly it became obvious that something is too off with him. Abuse was subtle, emotional only, but obvious. There were silent treatments, triangulation, gas-lighting, put-downs, sex withholding, sex that felt almost like rape etc.

I am 100% sure that he is severely disordered. But how come I got to see his true colors so quickly, while others, his wife, his other girlfriend haven't, even over much longer periods of time? Why was he more sadistic to me than to others?

Was it because
- I saw through his games (I was quite good at it) and I was calling him out? (maybe the more you know them, the closer they let you, the more sadistic they let themselves to be)
- I was less compliant, submissive than others? I think I was a bit too assertive/standing up for myself as for his standards. And I didn't agree to his demands (long story short - I didn't want to enter into a serious, official relationship with him, even though he's got divorced)
- or is there any rule that would make narcissists worse to those that they care about? I know he didn't give a sh*t about the former girlfriend (the one who has such a great opinion of him) and things between them were smooth. I also believe I was some kind of very important supply to him, he has always wanted to lure me in, he's got divorced for me etc. And yet, he was ...just mean.

Just out of curiosity, but if you have any insight, I would greatly appreciate that.

Shoshannah wrote:Was it because
- I saw through his games (I was quite good at it) and I was calling him out? (maybe the more you know them, the closer they let you, the more sadistic they let themselves to be)

Yes.

Shoshannah wrote:- I was less compliant, submissive than others? I think I was a bit too assertive/standing up for myself as for his standards. And I didn't agree to his demands (long story short - I didn't want to enter into a serious, official relationship with him, even though he's got divorced)

Yes.

Shoshannah wrote:- or is there any rule that would make narcissists worse to those that they care about? I know he didn't give a sh*t about the former girlfriend (the one who has such a great opinion of him) and things between them were smooth. I also believe I was some kind of very important supply to him, he has always wanted to lure me in, he's got divorced for me etc. And yet, he was ...just mean.

And yes! You were supposed to buy into the false self goddammit! If you do not you're nothing but competition! What was wrong with you, Shoshannah ?

It does sound like a very humiliating experience. First the romantic relationship fell apart, then you were/felt manipulated, both psychologically and sexually it seems, and on top of that he was your teacher, somewhat a renown one at that. Layers upon layers of humiliation, nobody a tad sane gets out of this unscathed. I've read somewhere that humiliation gets maximal when things go awry while dating somebody in a position of authority. And he will do it again and again until somebody reports him, he probably can't help it.

So yes, this is definitely a good sign, that things went sour faster between you guys, it shows you got strength. Of course, sometimes people don't want you to believe that. At times they'd rather think you're the one with an issue rather than challenge their own denial.

@Apres L Orange Thank you for your reply and for your support. It is sometimes confusing when I hear those great opinions of him from other people. But I think he is just very skilled at manipulation and I am skilled at seeing through BS and games. Yes, it was a very difficult experience. 7 months in the aftermath, I am still not fully over it. But I am doing my best to be strong.

I didn't know about authorities and humiliation. But I've also read that power exploitation is one of the most common causes for trauma bonding. Obviously, what he does is disgusting. I know that he will continue until someone reports him (he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing, on the contrary, he seems to be proud and brags about his conquests). Maybe I will... Thanks again!

I believe all of this love you give to him you should take back and discontinue being abused. I think there is something missing in your life, some element, that needs to be addressed. Your continued relationship with him is a symptom of it, find out what that is. Those with sound hearts tend to treat others how they would like to be treated, the fault comes in when we believe our love will change another human being that doesn't treat us with respect. It is not the same playing field. You will not get the same love back because this isn't love. You will although get hurt and just guessing perhaps subconsciously you are reinforcing beliefs you have about yourself, or maybe not....
As I said he is only a symptom of something within you. Only you can know what that is. My opinion is, is for you to walk away and ask yourself the tough questions.

-- Tue Jan 19, 2016 9:30 am --

I believe all of this love you give to him you should take back and discontinue being abused. I think there is something missing in your life, some element, that needs to be addressed. Your continued relationship with him is a symptom of it, find out what that is. Those with sound hearts tend to treat others how they would like to be treated, the fault comes in when we believe our love will change another human being that doesn't treat us with respect. It is not the same playing field. You will not get the same love back because this isn't love. You will although get hurt and just guessing perhaps subconsciously you are reinforcing beliefs you have about yourself, or maybe not....
As I said he is only a symptom of something within you. Only you can know what that is. My opinion is, is for you to walk away and ask yourself the tough questions.

This actually sounds like a person with the dark triad of personality disorders, meaning narcissism, machiavelianism (manipulative tendencies), and borderline personality disorder. I would say from experience to escape while you still can. My mother married a narcissist, and after 18 years of agonizing marriage, the divorced. But only after the stress he caused her more or less gave her lung cancer. I also dated a person with the dark triad, and I wish I'd listened to my gut, and the people around me telling me it was a bad idea, but alas, I did not, and it hurt and they still cause problems for me today every chance they get. So, if there's even the slightest chance you'll listen, I'd say escape (because dating one is like being trapped) while you can.

PamHelf wrote:I've completely fallen for a N. Before I realised he was an N, he devalued me after I criticised him during our relationship and was vile - verbally abusive and attacked all my vulnerabilities. I was devastated. Cut all contact for months.

He eventually (months later) got back in touch and we started seeing each other on and off. Of course, I've fallen for him again but this time because I have more of an awareness of his personality, I am being very careful to not criticise him and just be admiring.

The second bit (admiring) is easy because I've like totallly fallen for him; I'm literally in that **starry** falling in love mind set where I want to worship him. Physically he is just my ideal guy and personality wise we fit like jigsaw pieces (in terms of intelligence/what we are interested in etc - we get on like wild fire).

The first (not criticising) is harder because he treats me dreadfully. He never rings me when he says , blows me out on plans repeatedly at the last minute and generally treats me like I'm just an after thought. but of course, when I am with him then he is wow -charming and I'm so puppy dog worshipping him. I'm trying to chill out about this stuff (his general bailing whenever it suits him) and it seems to be working.

I guess I'm playing with fire and inevitably the devaluation will happen again but could you all help me with:

1. is it possible to have a relationship with him do you think? or does the fact of the devalue before mean I'm toast?

2. I'd really like to see him a bit more than we are right now. Is this possible? I'm betting that asking for anything from him or anything that might inconvenience him is the kiss of death to it. How can I see him more???