Questions About Relationships From Nons

So my question is as follows: Is it even possible that she liked ANYTHING else about me ? Any of the many positive attributes that I know I have ? Is it even possible that she feels anything approaching remorse for her deception & obvious intention to use me for financial gain ?

Yes, she probably did genuinely like many things about you. You probably have traits that she found compatible with her own personality and temperament, or otherwise endearing. But if she was a pwNPD, she needed more than just someone she liked. She needed someone who was her ideal foil, who would put her on a pedestal and worship her forever, and with whom she would never get bored. I think it goes without saying that such a person doesn't actually exist, which is why so many Narcissists have unhappy long-term relationships, or are incapable of holding together a long-term relationship. (Keep in mind that this is not fun for the Narcissist either.)

Do people with NPD ever take stock and think it might be nice to have a mutually respectful, honest and emotionally intimate committed long term relationship ? Or is that just something that seems too routine & boring to be an attractive proposition for someone with npd ? No sarcasm meant here; I'm legitimately curious. And if no remorse, why no remorse [probably an unanswerable question, I know !] ?

You seem to be thinking more of BPD here; many pwNPD like routines, as it gives them control over their environment and minimizes unpredictable events. Many Narcissists get married and stay married, even if they are unhappy with their spouse and don't really understand why. My guess is that most Narcissists actually do want the kind of relationship that you describe, but there is tremendous difficulty in approaching people apart from the idealize/D&D cycle, and then of course there's the difficulty in building a long-term "love" relationship that goes beyond infatuation or keeping the person around for appearances and supply.

Do people with NPD ever take stock and think it might be nice to have a mutually respectful, honest and emotionally intimate committed long term relationship ? Or is that just something that seems too routine & boring to be an attractive proposition for someone with npd ? No sarcasm meant here; I'm legitimately curious. And if no remorse, why no remorse [probably an unanswerable question, I know !] ?

People are just shards of a broken mirror, shiny from afar, cutting from up close.
There is no need nor possibility to have remorse with non-objects - those are just partial reflections of what once was supposed to become an adult self, their partiality being either anger inducing or sadness inducing dependent on the level of insight. Of course there are always levels to everything but at the most dysfunctional one, you are not you at all. You are just a shard. And when your broken nature (which is of course our broken nature projected onto you) gets known, you become dangerous. So its not us who hurt you, its "you" who hurt us. Therefore remose is a non sequitur.

I only skimmed this because it was pretty long, but to answer your questions, I can genuinely like someone and enjoy being with them. Those feelings usually begin to fade though. I don't know exactly why...sometimes it's something stupid, like wearing ugly shoes or being awkward, and sometimes I just get bored or lose interest.

And onto remorse...I've never felt true remorse, but I'm damn good at faking it. I've known since I was a little kid that I don't experience guilt, and was always somewhat confused by others expressing guilt. I'm never sorry I did something...I'm sorry for myself that I'm facing consequences from being caught. I'm not sure if all pwNPD are the same, but that is my personal experience.

Hello everyone. My npd ex-girlfriend just broke up with me once I backed out of a plan that would involve extreme financial risk for me, with no financial risk at all to her.

What kind of plan?

pwNPD have a weird relationship with money. In most relationships they are likely to use the significant others money to pay the bills, Invest and basically live on. Their money is theirs, and only theirs. They dispose of it as they want, and usually on them selves.

Your refusal to invest in her plan, was likely felt by her as being a rejection of her. Simply put, if you aren't with her, you're against her. Independence on your part equates to an uncontrollable object for her.

Rocky71 wrote:pwNPD have a weird relationship with money. In most relationships they are likely to use the significant others money to pay the bills, Invest and basically live on. Their money is theirs, and only theirs. They dispose of it as they want, and usually on them selves.

Does that means that pwNPD man act like woman?

But what is their excuse?

They simply cant claim equal rights at one time, and caballerismo when it comes to obligations.

Rocky71 wrote:pwNPD have a weird relationship with money. In most relationships they are likely to use the significant others money to pay the bills, Invest and basically live on. Their money is theirs, and only theirs. They dispose of it as they want, and usually on them selves.

Your refusal to invest in her plan, was likely felt by her as being a rejection of her. Simply put, if you aren't with her, you're against her. Independence on your part equates to an uncontrollable object for her.

In almost every 'romantic' relationship that I've ever had, my boyfriends have been unemployed or earned less than me, and I spent more on outings etc. than them. My friends have told me that they suspect that I spend more on them than vice versa, and they're right
(It's a sort of 'determined to do the right thing' thing, rather than true generosity, though.)

Ack.. I'm a non.. former engaged to an N. He hurt me, but jeez.. why do all of you want your N's back? He broke your heart and left, came back and left again. So many posters here are begging narcissists for clues on whether their narcissist will come back and use them one more time.. disturbing.

Hello there,

I'd really appreciate some advice if possible. My brother's girlfriend has, I believe, NPD. Her behaviour over the years they've been together matches many of the NPD descriptions. Our family has been negatively affected by her behaviour, but my brother won't hear any criticism of her. (In fact, no-one in the family does criticise her now, because he can get very angry.) They have been together about 18 years, and we know she made a serious suicide attempt after they'd been together about a year. He met someone else back then, and tried to finish with his girlfriend. She took a massive overdose and ended up seriously ill in intensive care. He then went back to her and has stayed with her ever since.

My brother's friends don't like her either; but no-one says anything because of his reactions. We know she is controlling, and there may well have been other suicide attempts (or threats of harming herself) in order to keep him. To us (family and friends) as onlookers, he seems to be in an abusive relationship with her which we can do nothing about. He is in his late 40s, his girlfriend has recently turned 60, and all we can see is him being controlled, and wasting his life. I'm sure that a lot of his anger issues stem from frustration with his situation.

Do we just sit and watch, or is there anything we can do to help? He knows he is loved by his family and friends. It's all very frustrating. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you xx

Hi, first-time poster here. I've been off-and-on involved in an affair with the same guy for over five years. I'm not proud of that, but I remain stuck. He started our married. He's now separated, but has a serious girlfriend.

For better or for worse, as one of his Other Women, I am not as tangled up in this guy as was his wife, or as now is his girlfriend. I haven't given up quite so much, and I maintain some degree of autonomy. But, I am psychologically stuck in this relationship. I have had the freedom to meet other people and form healthy relationships, but I can't. There is something very comfortable about this, even though I am getting so little.

I am no psychologist and I am not my lover's therapist, so I can't make an NPD diagnosis, but I have an interest in psychology, have read lots of self-help books (as I question whether I am codependent, or a love addict), and was recently struck by the resonances when reading a checklist of how relationships with NPDS play out.

If my lover has NPD, it has played out subtly over the last five years. I think that always being on the outside has spared me from its worst manifestations, whether or not that is the actual dynamic at play. I've never completely submitted to him, so I have yet to see Mr. Hyde in full.

At this point, it feels exhausting to try to summarize the relationship and come up with the list of things that feel off (aside from the glaringly obvious problem that we are having an affair and lie to most people about that).

Prior to meeting my lover, I was in another tumultuous relationship for almost seven years with a very possessive, insecure man who cut me down at every chance he could when he wasn't hanging on with a death-grip. That boyfriend died in an accident. It turned my world upside down, yet I was free from him. I've done quite a bit of therapy since then, but obviously, something got badly wired in me. I haven't had a healthy romantic relationship since then.

I am reaching out here mostly because I want community. I will eventually need solutions, but right now, I am so confused. My lover gives me just enough to leave me hanging on. He is never outright mean, but he isn't nice. He lives as though the rules don't apply, and now I am caught up in that, as well. I feel like a callous person. I can get addicted to his contact, but like the functional alcoholic, I can "manage" it (for better or for worse) and keep up with the rest of my life. I just see the years ticking by... its painful. It's also hard to see this man be so callous to his girlfriend.

He claims he loves me, and that confused me for a long time. In reading about narcissism, I am learning about enmeshment versus love. He and I need each other, and we call it love. But, I don't think it's real love. When I go away on travel, he wants to know where I am and when I will come back. He doesn't sound jealous... rather, terrified of being on his own. Yet, when I am close, he is distant and dismissive. Only passionate on his whim.

I have started reading Sweet Relief from the Everyday Narcissist, by Schenker and Moody, and it resonates. They allow for nuance and shades of grey, and all of a sudden, I am finally reading a book about my relationship. I wonder if you all have other books to recommend?