Questions About Relationships From Nons

how can I live civilly with my mom in my time between school and work?

Short-term just do whatever it takes to keep good old mom happy. Kiss a** or whatever, you'll be out on your own in a while so fake it and smile.

If she become too demanding set limits and be rigid with those. Leave if you have to.

Hold your cards tight, no need to tell what she wants to hear, you don't have to tell her your plans of exactly what you will do when you move out.

Have fun!

When I get feelings for someone I get borderline. So, I had feelings for a narc and it caused me to ocd message him. I know that is absurd. I asked him to block it right when it started. He did not, and I was waiting for it to get blocked because it was truly ocd behavior. Instead of blocking it he put the messages on auto forward to his friend. That was a way of saying, "You are a complete joke." Right? I still kept messaging for a short while even after I knew, and then I completely got over it and my ocd/borderline traits went away. So, no more messaging. Now the sense I make of it is he was just saying something like he thought it was funny. Correct assessment? He has some borderline traits too I think.

Mary24 wrote:Now the sense I make of it is he was just saying something like he thought it was funny. Correct assessment?

yeah, sounds like it. He thought is was amsuing enough to let his friend in on the entertaiment.

Perhaps in the future try some anti-messaging app that limits the amount of messages you can send out and lock you out certain times of the day.
Or get some other help with your complusive behavoirs.

The Narcissist wrote:

Mary24 wrote:Now the sense I make of it is he was just saying something like he thought it was funny. Correct assessment?

yeah, sounds like it. He thought is was amsuing enough to let his friend in on the entertaiment.

Perhaps in the future try some anti-messaging app that limits the amount of messages you can send out and lock you out certain times of the day.
Or get some other help with your complusive behavoirs.

Thanks. Yea, that was super weird. Then, his friend would reply once in a while, but, saying things that did not make sense like, "I'm not even going to reply to you" as if I had wanted a reply??? It was so bizarre.

Yes, I never want to do that ocd behavior again, of course.

I did not mention that the friend was a female who liked him. So, I also thought maybe he was trying to get two females to become rivalries. That would be a very narc thing to do. I was always polite to her, but, at first, it seemed like she wanted to fight. (Seemed not very bright. My messages were always sent to him. I never sent them to her. She only got them due to the forwarding and then I would just send a short apology if she replied. I don't even understand why someone would let the messages get forwarded to them. ha.) She ended up sending the messages to spam for me after a while, but the compulsion completely went away at the same time anyway. I was obsessed with him, and, in hindsight, I don't know how that happened. He does not have particular qualities that would seem to create that. I mean I know my borderline traits came out but I don't know why.

Hi I have read along this blog and it seems that both people with NPD nad people who have encountered them have bee replying on here so I was hoping I could get some help.

I met my ex and he literally sweeper me off my feet, we liked the same things, he was ideal in looks to me, we made each other laugh, it really was ideal... The problem was he had literally ended his 4 year on off relationship with his ex a week before... He then went cold very quickly, I knew he was seeing someone else but continued seeing him even though he had changed quite dramatically, I then fell pregnant and unfortunately lost the baby, I was relieved but my ex was so pleased the stress was over, then things changed my knight was back and better than ever, we were inseparable, a team- he got me instantly and basically moved in within a week, he told me he loved me after 5 weeks and then spoke of proposing to my friends at 7 months finally proposing at 11 months. Through all these stages I would say niggling bells rang but not loud enough, I convinced myself he was perfect and I was lucky to have such an amazing guy that loved me. A few months after we got engaged things started to change, I put it down to us being comfortable, I'd put on weight but was determined to lose it for the wedding. The ex started to change everyday life became 'stressful' he was moody and distant, then in summer I found out he had been on an online dating site- he told me it was for attention as he felt I didn't give him enough and that he had kept himself looking amazing but I'd let myself go... I took full blame, and basically begged him to stay. Everything seemed to be going great until he texted a girl and I found out, this time I told him to go... He sent me flowers, pictures of us and begged for forgiveness. I let him back - now 8 months until wedding. Things seemed great, I was feeling great and he was being supportive (at times) then I was looking/feeling great and ecstatic about marrying the man of my dreams and he turned to me and said- I am not 'in love' with you like I used to be, it doesn't feel the same as it did at the start. I feel I could cheat on you and I wouldn't feel guilty... I was in shock asked if he wanted to end it- he said no, so the next few days were spent thinking. Me crying myself to sleep every night and being in constant pain and anxiety, the ex however sleeping like a baby and extremely distant (I then found out he was lining up his next 'supply' we wended completely on his terms, I was distraught and begged him to reconsider he ignored me sending me the odd message - usually filled with abuse when all I sent was love. He was already shacked up with the new girl, however I started to build myself up and he swooped back in.... We started up again it didn't take much convincing and I let him right back in, this lasted around 2 months at the start he was excited and seemed back to my guy, then it changed he was seeing and messaging other girls which he has now confessed, eventually ending it with me saying that it wasn't what he remembered it to be. I then had a few weeks of misery and we were in touch but just on and off, I finally stopped speaking and on Valentine's Day he got in touch and sent me a card and called and said he needed to be with me, he was already seeing someone else but he was 'ending it' as I was the only person he loved and could see life with. Anyways it took a little more convincing this time but I let him back in. The first few days were amazing he seemed to open up to me emotionally, a friend had suggested by his behaviour he may have NPD so we did a few online assessments which all came back with him having NPD I told him I'm here for him completely and we could see about going through it together. Through the week he started to change became distant again and then after a lovely weekend spent with his family who welcomed me back with open arms he ended it. His family said they think he has a personality disorder and have known since he was a teen. He then went back to the girl he had been seeing before me and has implemented the silent treatment as if then last few weeks never happened. When I called for closure or emailed him he said I was acting like a psychi and to move on!! This was 5 days after it ended and all I wanted was an explanation.

Basically what I want to know is by what I have said does is sound like he has NPD? Will he come back again? I don't think I'm strong enough not to let him. They say that someone with NPD can't love - did he ever love me? Does he miss me? Could I have ever 'fixed' him?

Any advice that I could have would be greatly appreciated. I miss my version of my ex so much, and I can't see how he can just pick up and drop me like its nothing. He kept saying this time round there is something missing with us, on an emotional connection level- not sex, that's never been an issue. But he didn't want to hug and kiss me as much and when undid he just felt anxious and smothered.

Please help.... I feel I've gone crazy, where has he gone... And does the next girl get my perfect man?..

Hello @inlovewithnarc

And welcome to the forum.
Just the fact that you posted in this section shows that you are respectful to rules.

It is very hard for everyone to diagnose through your description. He seems to be quite disordered, but noone can tell the diagnosis. Whatever it is, even if it is NPD, it really doesn't matter, IMO.
What do you think would mean for you if we say he had NPD? NPD or not, you can't help him, and you are not supposed to have the understanding for his actions just because he is disordered. You have to help the person that is in a greater need for help right now - yourself.

Whatever the diagnosis is, he put you in a terrible emotional situation, and you need to fight for yourself and do everything in your power to never get back to that relationship.
You also lost a child, which by itself is a trauma, please take care of yourself. You are obliged to take care of yourself. You can not let ANYONE to destroy your life, which it seems to me is happening with that guy. I had someone playing similarly like that with me for years, all those promises and endless love whenever I tried to quit, and not getting what being promised afterwords.

Find all possible means of help to find: read this forum, find a therapist, start meditation... starting a therapy is the best thing to do if it is affordable. You need help to get angry with him as well as to grieve your unborn child.

Please look into http://www.lisaescott.com/, this site provides support for people to get out of this type of relationship; you may find it helpful for you.

And please change your name into something that will define you as you, not you as being in love with someone. I am sure there are things about yourself that you are proud of.

"Please help.... I feel I've gone crazy, where has he gone... And does the next girl get my perfect man?."
Next girl gets exactly the same as you. The agony.

When narc's start shaming their victim, do they believe what they say?

EX: My ex will tell everyone that will listen that I am lazy. Due to my depression (worse when we were together) I would say that yes, I am lazy. So does he believe I am? Do they only say things that they feel are true?

Not sure why, just curious.

hI ALL, i'm new and have a very cute and handsome Narcissist as a partner. I adore him.
he says "you will be proud to be the woman with the good looking partner".... when we go out.
Only recently I have become aware of what the 'problem' was.
Far from feeling angry or let down or wanting to run, I am relieved to know what has been going on.
If he was to admit to this (not that he has, just listened quietly and i have no wish for him to admit anything to me) and joined the npd forum, his would surely be the Most expert and have the best manipulative and cruel stories to tell.... mind you this does carry into other areas, and when he decides to acheive something he generally does it very well and overall except for the mental torture I am very proud of him, he has survived a lot of abuse as a mere baby and thats something to think about, I had a much more fortunate childhood.

I told him that I now know what is going o that things are going to change in my attitude to him and generally I want to have a happy life and if he'd like to be included in it i would love that.

I have no wish to change him now i know. Before I was a frustrated woman wondering why my partner would not listen to me..... and then finding he was deaf.

So there is my story so far

Cheers

PS... rotnrotsntx: Good idea is not to worry too much what other people think of you, whether your ex believes it true or not doesn't matter, its how you feel about it that counts. Lots of people say negative things about their ex's so maybe don't take it to heart?

Hello everyone. My npd ex-girlfriend just broke up with me once I backed out of a plan that would involve extreme financial risk for me, with no financial risk at all to her. She played it cool for a short time, but then said we had different goals in life, blah, blah, blah and broke up over the phone. In the short time between my dropping the bomb on her and the break up, she began hiding her cell phone all the time, which she had never done previously.

She seemed so madly in love with me. I certainly was with her. We laughed a lot together. We had some really fun times together.

I caught her in some big lies that she spun in a desperate attempt to assure me that our [her] big plan wasn't at all risky for me....I never called her on those lies, because by then I was pretty sure that she was a narc and that she'd just deny everything & then become really pissed off at me. Not worth it.

After almost 1 year together of seeing each other close to daily, including overnight, she broke up with me over the phone, in a cold & clinical manner. Not rude. No insults. But cold in tone, as well as in the paucity of language that she used to break the news. She wanted to remain friends, but I knew that this turned out very badly for prior boyfriends of hers [she really played with one of them in particular], and I didn't want to become a backup or be triangulated or have her brag about her new love interest in front of me. I thanked her for the good times [and the good times were very good] and that's that.

She has many lovely qualities [she's quite brilliant & articulate & is great at her profession] and is actually a rather devoted mother, but there are way too many signs of npd for me to be wrong about this. She considers her parents to be narcissists, and even mused on more than one occasion that she herself might be a narcissist.

I don't really want to get into all the narcissistic behaviours I saw in our relationship to justify my diagnosis of her, as I don't want to be too negative out of respect for the people on this board. I have done enough research to know that one does not choose to have a personality disorder and that npd in particular is often rooted in some really nasty family of origin issues. I just know in retrospect that she was very cleverly orchestrating things to secure a very substantial financial benefit for her from me, and it makes me feel so sad & used. I am grateful that I got out when I did, even though I miss what I thought we shared together.

So my question is as follows: Is it even possible that she liked ANYTHING else about me ? Any of the many positive attributes that I know I have ? Is it even possible that she feels anything approaching remorse for her deception & obvious intention to use me for financial gain ?

Do people with NPD ever take stock and think it might be nice to have a mutually respectful, honest and emotionally intimate committed long term relationship ? Or is that just something that seems too routine & boring to be an attractive proposition for someone with npd ? No sarcasm meant here; I'm legitimately curious. And if no remorse, why no remorse [probably an unanswerable question, I know !] ?

I expect that the answer to the first question is "Possibly" and the answer to the second question is either "definitely not" or "highly unlikely."

Thank you all very much for taking the time to read this.