Our partner

Questions About Relationships From Nons

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.
Forum rules
This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby freyja » Tue Jul 30, 2019 1:17 am

razareth wrote:There is one other important side to this.

You will most likely experience things you never would have, be lifted higher then you ever will and be challenged in ways you never will be, by being with us.

But you will pay a very high price to do so. Even become something entirely new.


Thanks reality. I think this quote is an idealization. Once I accepted (finally) the relationship was fake, that took away the feeling of having been lifted 'higher than I ever will be'. I fell in love with an illusion manufactered out of a lot of projection and then didn't recognize reality when it struck, insistently and repeatedly. The longer i stuck around the more damage was done to me.

There were many clear warning signs but I didn't understand the risk I was putting myself in, or I was cavalier about it, which is almost the same thing. I also didn't take all the good advise to get away. I just became more deranged and pathetic at the end.

It's not a new story, unfortunately, but a familiar one. Except for the psychosis.
BP1 with psychosis
freyja
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 822
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 2:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby realityhere » Tue Jul 30, 2019 5:42 am

Yes,that quote was an idealization, but oh, it hurts so badly when one realizes the high price paid. Oftentimes the red flags are there so glaringly obvious to others, but when in the throes of a disordered individual's illusion, it can seem intoxicating and alluring, like a drug. It is quite common among those who've lived with a disordered person to say it was much like an addiction.

I don't know what psychosis represented to you, never been in your shoes, so I can only imagine how distressing that was to you to feel a sense of being outside of reality.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 1:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby freyja » Tue Jul 30, 2019 3:35 pm

I had psychoses before I ever met my ex, but the false world he created about his past got coupled into my distorted thought processes and senses.

For instance he told me you could manipulate people making clicks and bangs in their environment when they were under observation. He said he had participated in clandestine government studies of this. Several years after our relationship ended I started hearing clicks and bangs in my house and thought I was under observation with cameras and everything I did on the internet was also monitored. I thought he had bugged my house and was part of an international conspiracy to take over the world. I had nights where i couldn't fall asleep because of these noises. Then i started thinking I had a chip implanted in me.



I became incredibly paranoid and was eventually arrested for not stopping for police on the road. They broke the door to my home down and ransacked it with about a dozen officers. I was placed in a forensic psychiatric ward for a month before I was finally let out.

These episodes for me are much more scary in retrospect than they were at the time.

Anyway I had a bad outcome and bad after effects from this relationship. I knew he was a mythomaniac or pathological liar but that didn't stop his stories warping my delusions and making me much more unsafe and a risk to the public, than I ever was before.
BP1 with psychosis
freyja
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 822
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 2:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby xdude » Tue Jul 30, 2019 5:43 pm

Hey freyja,

Just a heads up, you are also welcome to post on the Significant Others, Family & Friends forum about what you went through.

I think the hardest thing is that a NON is ill prepared for a relationship with someone who has a Cluster B disorder. It's not even easy for someone with a Cluster B disorder to get involved with someone else who has a variant, but the difference is that they at least have years of preparedness training, often starting in early childhood. For the NON, it's an all new world, something they simply do not have the background in to know what lies ahead, or how to handle it day to day.

I have no doubt you have been through the lowest lows trying to sort it out. Good to read you are starting to make sense of it. You already wrote about the hardest part. The idealized highs, out of this world, followed by such painful lows. As realityhere wrote, it really does match the pattern of addiction. You are not alone in what you've been through.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 8662
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 3:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby freyja » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:27 pm

Hi xdude,

Thanks for the heads up about the Significant Others forum and for your supportive words. I had a look and am not sure because Significant Others is a forum for friends and family of someone with any mental illness or disorder, and I have one myself (BP1).

I am not a 'non' with respect to the other forum although I am one here, since i don't have NPD. I could try also posting in the bipolar forum but am unlikely to find anyone with experience of a pwNPD relationship.

Thanks for mentioning that I am not alone with this although often times I feel very much that way.

My psychoses were exacerbated by all his gaslighting and fake history. Even though by then I knew he had made up dramatic stories of his life, it still got inside of my head and mucked things up. I developed a whole delusional, paranoid belief system around the lies he told me, even years later, along with audio hallucinations.

I agree with you about the hardest part is being unprepared and not understanding what was happening. In my case I was also in denial and didn't take any good advise. In fact I received a lot of adivse to move on, but I just ignored that.

I think part of that was the 'sunk cost' fallacy. I didn't want to give up so I hung on to crumbs, and progressively diminished myself. I was focussed on 'understanding him'. I put it in quotes because it was a lie I told to myself... I just didn't want to accept reality and I see that on here too in other posts so I know this is common.

The person I really needed to understand is and was myself.

but have sometimes wondered if the aggression I experienced from him was 'instrumental' or was driven by emotion, i.e. "reactive", or whether there is not one answer to this question for people with NPD.

Anyway thanks for letting me post here and for your reply.

freyja
BP1 with psychosis
freyja
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 822
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 2:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby xdude » Tue Jul 30, 2019 9:01 pm

freyja wrote:I think part of that was the 'sunk cost' fallacy. I didn't want to give up so I hung on to crumbs, and progressively diminished myself. I was focussed on 'understanding him'. I put it in quotes because it was a lie I told to myself... I just didn't want to accept reality and I see that on here too in other posts so I know this is common.

The person I really needed to understand is and was myself.



No worries hon, you take whatever time you need to figure it out. We are not here to judge you. I know you are hurting, and it's going to take time. Whichever forum works for you is all good.

And by the way, super smart to use the sunk cost fallacy. Yep, that's exactly what we do. You got it ;)
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 8662
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 3:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby realityhere » Tue Jul 30, 2019 9:51 pm

"Sunk Cost" Fallacy--I learn something new every day, lol. Interesting behavioral term. That oughta be in PF's LWMI forum's List of Useful Psych Terms.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 1:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby freyja » Thu Aug 01, 2019 10:57 pm

Hey xdude and realityhere, about the Sunk Cost Fallacy, it was a turning point in my life when I no longer wished, or secretly hoped, to see my ex again.

I see people on the forums who are in the aftermath of a pwNPD relationship not able to begin recovery because they are still holding onto the relationship as a tangible possibility in their future, and as long as that is going on they cannot 'let go' and consequently can't begin to heal.

The relationship was an almost incessant assault on my boundaries. I feel like I survived 3 years of trauma and then additional self-trauma brought on by my psychiatric episodes.

I also think there is a lot of overlap between trauma bonding and sunk costs in this context. It is hard to really separate them in my case.

-- Thu Aug 01, 2019 4:58 pm --

Hey xdude and realityhere, about the Sunk Cost Fallacy, it was a turning point in my life when I no longer wished, or secretly hoped, to see my ex again.

I see people on the forums who are in the aftermath of a pwNPD relationship not able to begin recovery because they are still holding onto the relationship as a tangible possibility in their future, and as long as that is going on they cannot 'let go' and consequently can't begin to heal.

The relationship was an almost incessant assault on my boundaries. I feel like I survived 3 years of trauma and then additional self-trauma brought on by my psychiatric episodes.

I also think there is a lot of overlap between trauma bonding and sunk costs in this context. It is hard to really separate them in my case.
BP1 with psychosis
freyja
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 822
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 2:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby realityhere » Fri Aug 02, 2019 12:25 am

freyja,

Absolutely, some ppl previously involved in a relationship with a cluster b disordered person still hold out the hope that the relationship can be restored after a discard or rupture, and they don't heal as a result.

"The relationship was an almost incessant assault on my boundaries."

That is what it's like in a nutshell. A cluster b disordered person will test a partner's boundaries over and over, pushing all the hot buttons. A hard lesson to learn. :(
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 1:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby freyja » Sat Aug 03, 2019 3:31 pm

Thanks realityhere. I think both of my parents, particularly my father were narcissists and my father had npd traits.

I think this is partly why I didn't maintain good boundaries in this relationship and it didn't register for a long time just how far down the rabbit hole I had allowed myself to fall.

I let this man rent out his house and move into mine after 3 months of knowing him.

He said he wanted to save some money. Then a few days after he moved in he disappeared from my home and went to stay in a motel for several weeks, except I didn't know this at the time. All I knew is that he was gone and I was very distraught and worried.

I had already been discarded but had truckloads of his stuff in my house. He is a hoarder so when he moved in he brought a lot of stuff with him. I also had his cats.


Our relationship was on again off again even after that.

I continued to see him even after he moved out, but could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had just ended it then but he had convinced me I was in the wrong for some reason and that is why he left.
BP1 with psychosis
freyja
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 822
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Sat Nov 27, 2021 2:18 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 15 guests