The New Woman: Your Replacement

You are a good person but he does not value that. he only values himself and takes your goodness for grated, as a prize.... I NEVER in my life was able to cut someone out and know I would never give them another chance till my experience with a Narc. I ALWAYS felt that a person could be misunderstood, going through a lot, or had unfortunate circumstances and would always compromise and try to see it from their side. with a Narc you CAN"T be this way it is wasted on them. They see that as weakness and a way to suck you into there twisted and sick games. I feel so good that I can still offer what I am to someone that DESERVES it and I will Withhold it from those that mistreat me, they don't deserve my compassion and empathy because they don't even know what it is, but they sure like it as a prize....

do you really believe that truly.. i have been staying away from him NO CONTACT>>>
i've stop the crying and begging... it only makes me feel less, hopeless, anxiety ridden and terrible about myself. it takes me days to get over it... do you think this appoach gets to N's???
i have to say your input is wonderful. i'm learning alot with each entry.. i can't thank you again.

Please can you advice. Thank you Mimi
Ps. this website is amazing..

It seems you go round and round with this man. It always seems to leave you feeling awful, like you've done something wrong. It's is how the he treats you, sort of nice one day, like crap the nest, you always on edge, wondering if he is going to be nice to you today or not. This is how they keep you entangled in the web. The NO CONTACT is for your OWN SANITY.... When you are away from this miserable treatment, you will over time start to realize what a horrific existence it was. The only good part was when they seemed to be a better man but ONLY to pull you back in... That was the only reason, and then the cycle starts again......He will never change, he does not want to,

its just so hard to break away from him.. i still love him very much. he also has liver disease. i worry about his health. and also have been reading about that condition and the effects it has on the brain (which is another story). i just wanted to stay in this twenty plus relationship to try to make it work.
i even suggested counseling, trips, etc.

is there something you can suggest i do to try to change this whole situation around?? in your educated wisdom is there something else i can do to show my love for him and loyalty. I would do anything for him. i've told him this. he knows this.. but chooses this low life.

is staying away the best thing to do now? and who knows what any of our future's are. what are your thoughts on this?

Thank you Mimi

I wish I could tell you that if you work harder at it, it will be ok. I can't say and I am being presumptuous if I said I know anything for sure. If he is a Narcissist or has strong Narcissistic tendencies, it is not good space for you. DO you have access to a therapist for YOUR needs? Let me ask you, have you seen a pattern of disrespect from this man most of the time you have been with him? If so, why would he change now? He is treating you as if you don't matter at all, he is with ANOTHER WOMAN, the ultimate disrespect, manipulation, devaluation, you deserve BETTER!, you ARE better!

Thinking about them together... and him... and the past..
I know I have to accept and let it go but it's still too raw... I need to make sense of it in my head..

I could be wrong about his narcissistic personality. . I very much doubt it as too many coincidences...
Sure it could be a case of someone who ended a long term relationship (with the mother of his kids), then entered in a rebound one (with me) where he overestimated his feelings and intentions and eventually fell for someone else (his new girlfriend) for real as she was the right one for him...
It could be...
If it wasn't for all the lies he used to string me along for over a year. . For all the pain he could see he was causing me... rebounds aren't like that unless the guy is a bastard who doesn't care about destroying someone to get what he wants and then quickly discards them...
Either way he's a bad person who doesn't deserve my love nor my pain...

However I still believe he fits the narcissistic tendencies and all the things I read about narcissists ring very loud alarming bells in my head. . All too familiar. .. its the story of my last year and half... he fits almost every traits and I lived thorough all the experiences other victims talk about. .


I'm trying to cope...
I'm not over eating. .. to stunned to feel anything other than Pain...I don't even want the fake pleasure of eating. .. and thank god for that! I gained 6 stones in less than a year and destroyed my health and my body because of all the pain I was feeling. ..
I stopped eating when i found out about the new girlfriend. .. it finally struck me! I let him and his abuse affect me to the point of ruining all the hard work I had done and regain all the weight I had lost and affect my health and my job and my entire life whilst he simply didn't care and had quickly moved on and was in a new relationship and happy (in appearances at least!)...
I didn't deserve it. . the psychological abuse. . the pain. . the shame of feeling the wrong one, the one who wasn't good enough...the thoughts of feeling worthless and useless. .
And now this... feeling like I have destroyed my body and my health because I was upset over him when he could not wait to get to the next best thing and move on and be happy...
And I finally learnt that he doesn't deserve my pain and I will never get a sincere apology nor he'll ever regret me..
Every time I feel hungry I remember him and what he's done to me and how he doesn't deserve any more of my pain and putting on weight would cause just that. ..

I make myself remember how bad he was and how awful things were after the honeymoon beginning. ..
Love isn't like that. .. I don't believe it. ..
I don’t want to hate men and give up on love completely. .. maybe I will never have it but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist for other people. ..

I try to remember that he was as good to me at first as he's being to her now..
He probably will be even better for her because he has to prove he's not the bad guy I told him he was to me... he has to show to all our colleagues and friends (unfortunately we work together and I have to see them there) that he's a good guy for a good girl and a good boyfriend to a good deserving girlfriend and I wasn't that and he couldn't make me happy and it wasn't his fault... I can hear his exact words... and this is typical narcissistic behaviour. ..
He might be better at lying this time around and it'll take her longer to really see him, the real him..
Maybe she'll put up with it as long as me or longer, depends on her and her own issues...

Of course I could be wrong and they might be really suited for each other and be happy...

But I remember him... not just him the boyfriend. .. but him the person. .. and all the traits of a narcissistic personality were there. ..
Even his colleagues and friends picked on them... they don't know what they mean but they mentioned many times the lies, the sulking, the immaturity, the selfishness. .

I know he wasn't for me. I didn't want to be with him. I wanted the man I met but he never existed. I need to put him in a grave with all the dreams and illusions. . I can mourn if I need to but I need to remember that the man I met didn't exist. It was a creation of his mind. And I hate the man he truly is. I would never befriend that man and I would never want any of my family and friends to go near someone like that and if I want to protect my loved ones then i'm going to protect myself too as I'm my first loved one..

In time I'll only remember his true self and it'll be easier to see that no matter how good he is to his new girlfriend (and that's still to see!) He would still never be good for me...

I need to remember that what I loved about him was the adoration and the promises. . The dream that I would finally have the things I had dreamed of all my life and could never have..
But to be perfectly honest he was never the one I wanted, I wouldn't have picked him if I had more choice, and never if I had seen his true self.
He didn't offer anything I fancied or wanted. He really wasn't the kind of guy I wanted.
I was just desperate and he came and saw that and took advantage of this. .
I gave up on dreams and expectations and stayed with him because I thought he'd make me happy and one day I would really love him... I cared for him and I was grateful and happy he chose me and I did everything for him, to make him happy and I would have continued to do so for the rest of my life..
But the truth is I could settle for someone one day and as much as it sounds too practical and not romantic sometimes love in the real world and not Hollywood isn't all romance and excitement and movie-like gestures.. but I could never settle for someone like him, cruel, heartless, soulless, without a conscience and with no empathy. .. I can accept someone having different interests and hobbies and even beliefs and ideals than mine but ultimately I want to be with someone I feel worthy of my love. And he just wasn't it... he never was nor ever will be worth of my love..

I hope my experience will help someone else too because all the stories of other people like me have helped me greatly and I keep reading and finding strength whenever I start feeling sad and upset over him again. ..it's a long road but i'll get there..

What I worry about with the woman replacing me is what if this one makes it? I think she must me better than me, that I wasn't special enough. If this one makes it and he stays with her then it means, to me, that it was all my fault. What if there wasn't anything wrong with him and I could have done better?? Maybe what I thought was going on was all in my head and I was crazy.

It's the same thing I went though when people who were his aquaintances said there was no way he acted that way. The same thing I went through when he said I was just too weak because I felt emotions and that made me pathetic. What if he was right and there is a normal person capable of making him feel love when I could not.
It's completely delusional. but I am scared of him staying with her.

Dear fyre_n_raine
I know how you feel... I feel the same when I think about her...
The only way I found to stop myself going crazy over it, is to remember how bad things were and how hard I tried and yet failed because love is a two way commitment and he wouldn't do his part.. he didn't want to make it work and I couldn't have lived in that hell for years and years even if he hadn't dumped me for her...
so he might be good to her and she might be 'right' for him but it wouldn't change the fact that he wasn't right for me and never would be and I could never forget or forgive all the pain he put me through. ..
he's a bad man, why else would he put you through all that pain? If he's a narcissist, chances are in time he'll do to her what he's done to you. If he's just a nasty guy even if not psychotic, he's still not good enough for you and if you wouldn't want him for your best friend or sister than why would you spend your life with someone horrible like that?
If she's right for him then they deserve each other as she may not be such a good person after all.
Either way, no one deserves pain and misery and if you had met a decent guy and he wasn't happy with you he would have broken up with you trying not to hurt you and as soon as he realised and without using you and belittling you and blaming you etc
I don't know if it'll help you. .. this is what I tell myself when I start feeling like you describe, when I think about them and how he might move in with her and have a baby with her whilst he never wanted those things with me...
I try not to torture myself over it because I remind myself that by doing so I'm continuing his work of hurting me, I'm doing to myself what he was doing to me and I don't deserve the pain and he certainly doesn't deserve the pleasure.

Hello,
I have not posted anything on the website for awhile. But just wanted to ask a question on something that has been happening/bothering me all summer long. The N in my life dumped me again in January for the other woman. We where together for twenty-seven years. He decided he was going down that road (his exact words). but he keeps coming up to my house and mowing the lawn, trimming trees, fixing the fence, etc... It happens when i'm at work..

Why would he keep doing this? He left me for her and he keeps coming up to my house... I have not contacted him to say thank you because i know he will be mean to me and tell me how wonderful she is again.. Just don't want to keep hearing it.. I am still no contact and have disappeared from his life. I'm trying to heal and recover from this roller coaster ride he put me on..

Also my best friend keeps telling me he keeps stopping her to ask how i am..
Please what is your take on this sick disordered person..
Thank you in advance, Mimi

pollier wrote:Hello,
I have not posted anything on the website for awhile. But just wanted to ask a question on something that has been happening/bothering me all summer long. The N in my life dumped me again in January for the other woman. We where together for twenty-seven years. He decided he was going down that road (his exact words). but he keeps coming up to my house and mowing the lawn, trimming trees, fixing the fence, etc... It happens when i'm at work..

Why would he keep doing this? He left me for her and he keeps coming up to my house... I have not contacted him to say thank you because i know he will be mean to me and tell me how wonderful she is again.. Just don't want to keep hearing it.. I am still no contact and have disappeared from his life. I'm trying to heal and recover from this roller coaster ride he put me on..

Also my best friend keeps telling me he keeps stopping her to ask how i am..
Please what is your take on this sick disordered person..
Thank you in advance, Mimi

I would call that controlling behaviour.
But why on earth you don't change the door locks??