The New Woman: Your Replacement

Yeah, I like to beat my dead horse.

I've been doing so well. Or I was until BOOM I find out my N ex is living with a girl after knowing her for 8 days. I'm prettier, but she's way more accomplished, and as a cerebral, he's just eating it up, I know.

Here's how I feel: like utter complete dog sh it. He never wanted to live with me. In fact, I imagine he's miserable living with someone - he's so freaky about his "space." He didn't want me. I wasn't good enough so he threw me away. I made a lot of mistakes. I should have known he was an N and then I could have dealt with it better. I'm not as nice as this new girl (everyone loves her), I'm not as accomplished. I'm not competent enough to secure a new relationship. I wish I could find some male equivalent of her - she seems great. But I can't because I'm flawed and because I still love him, even though every rational bone in my body says that's stupid.

I don't know how to find a new man. I'm not motivated to do it. Doesn't love just "happen" anyway - like at the bank or grocery store or in some unexpected way - when you're ready - when fate or God or whatever thinks you're ready?

I'm so depressed. I feel like I've been dumped all over again. And now it's final - he doesn't want me. He wants her. Can anyone relate? Helpful coping skills? I'm going to do some meditation in a minute. Anything someone can offer - narc or non - would be so gratefully appreciated.

okay well im just going to stay drunk for the next several weeks until i feel better. I will figure out how to work while drunk - no biggie.

Better just not to feel any of it. The I CAN BE A NARC yipeee!!!

First of all with all love.... stop it. "you should of known he was an "N". You would never even imagine telling that to a child who was prey to predator would you? Remember he preyed on you knowing you were either open and forgiving a little extra open and forgiving or wounded. He took advantage, exploded, and has lots of practice.

Maybe as an adult you should of known, but you know now. It should be an opportunity to learn about yourself and boundaries...but it's not a reason to punish yourself where he left off. Don't reward that behavior by entertaining it! Recycling yourself into another situation like this, doesn't do anyone any good.

It's ok to feel like dog sh*t. You will, He treated you that way. It sucks I know so well....

Going on with your life is going to feel strange. Being healthy and doing things that attract healthy people to you, will take to getting us to. Its unfamiliar. It's ok to feel it, but for the love of everyone...do what you can to find the strength to do it anyway. One day, sometimes one hour at a time. Be hard on yourself (tough love), hold yourself accountable only in the way of being healthy and what you do from now on with what you know.

Just know that she will fall in his eyes. He wont be able to undo the pattern that he is. No matter what it looks like on the outside..you know the truth. (they are just good at hiding it, as you know from experience). But you know.

expressivecreative wrote:I'm prettier, but she's way more accomplished, and as a cerebral, he's just eating it up, I know.

she'll be done with him soon enough.

what is her accomplishment?

expressivecreative wrote:Here's how I feel: like utter complete dog sh it. He never wanted to live with me. In fact, I imagine he's miserable living with someone - he's so freaky about his "space."

a small price to pay to make you suffer i suppose.

expressivecreative wrote: He didn't want me. I wasn't good enough so he threw me away.

easy come, easy go.

expressivecreative wrote:I wish I could find some male equivalent of her - she seems great.

she seems too good to be true, and too good to be true is just a craigslist ad away.
dont be surprised when you remain unsatisfied the next morning.

expressivecreative wrote:I don't know how to find a new man.

first you must let go of this one.

expressivecreative wrote:Yeah, I like to beat my dead horse.

I've been doing so well. Or I was until BOOM I find out my N ex is living with a girl after knowing her for 8 days. I'm prettier, but she's way more accomplished, and as a cerebral, he's just eating it up, I know.

Here's how I feel: like utter complete dog sh it. He never wanted to live with me. In fact, I imagine he's miserable living with someone - he's so freaky about his "space." He didn't want me. I wasn't good enough so he threw me away. I made a lot of mistakes. I should have known he was an N and then I could have dealt with it better. I'm not as nice as this new girl (everyone loves her), I'm not as accomplished. I'm not competent enough to secure a new relationship. I wish I could find some male equivalent of her - she seems great. But I can't because I'm flawed and because I still love him, even though every rational bone in my body says that's stupid.

I don't know how to find a new man. I'm not motivated to do it. Doesn't love just "happen" anyway - like at the bank or grocery store or in some unexpected way - when you're ready - when fate or God or whatever thinks you're ready?

I'm so depressed. I feel like I've been dumped all over again. And now it's final - he doesn't want me. He wants her. Can anyone relate? Helpful coping skills? I'm going to do some meditation in a minute. Anything someone can offer - narc or non - would be so gratefully appreciated.

Hi! I am so sorry you are feeling this way *hugs*

I went through a similar break up. It seemed like he moved on super fast and everything was perfect. I waited and waited and waited...noone came along and I was so sad......eventually, everything came together.

"Be the person you want to be with" - Some older guy told me that one day while I was single and miserable and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Who would want to be with me? Who wants a sad lonely person? That is not who I am and I was determined to get back on my feet and hold my head up high

Remember......good things come to those who wait...SO cliche but so true. I am happily married now and it has been years since that break up. It was all worth it. He did me a favor. My brother ran in to him recently and guess what? He is alone.....and asking about me.....karma does come around eventually just be patient, behave, and be in love with yourself until that person comes along who deserves your heart

Best of luck in your journey!

marycarterpaint wrote:

expressivecreative wrote:I'm prettier, but she's way more accomplished, and as a cerebral, he's just eating it up, I know.

she'll be done with him soon enough.

what is her accomplishment? She's a famous writer. Has videos on youtube of her reading from her book

expressivecreative wrote:Here's how I feel: like utter complete dog sh it. He never wanted to live with me. In fact, I imagine he's miserable living with someone - he's so freaky about his "space."

a small price to pay to make you suffer i suppose. you think he did this to make me suffer?

expressivecreative wrote: He didn't want me. I wasn't good enough so he threw me away.

easy come, easy go. lol, a bpd / hpd never "goes" easily

expressivecreative wrote:I wish I could find some male equivalent of her - she seems great.

she seems too good to be true, and too good to be true is just a craigslist ad away. love this
dont be surprised when you remain unsatisfied the next morning.

expressivecreative wrote:I don't know how to find a new man.

first you must let go of this one.

true

bw - good things come to those who wait - well, it better. And I need to remind myself about the "be the person you want to be with" part - so true.

purple - I know eventually she will fail - in about 2 years to be exact (if he repeats his pattern). What is tough is right now I know they are going through the honeymoon / idealization stage. And I want that for myself. Always wanted to keep that.

Thanks chicas. One of these days.

Oh gosh yes..the honey moon faze is addictive. The fact that it left so soon and so many things don't make sense...keep you thinking about it and fixated. (at least for me)
In general though, yeah....you want what you THOUGHT you had, back. You don't want it to be a lie.

If he is an N, then he doesn't care about her any way. She will be discarded as soon as she dares to open her mouth and say anything he will disagree with. Don't envy her. Feel sorry for her.

What imjustagirl said is correct. He is going to use, abuse and discard this woman too. Narcs are never satisfied with any relationship partner. He will tear her down in his mind until he drops her and moves on again.

It is a vicious cycle, and he is going to leave a lot of hurt women in his wake.

Yes.

For example... the latest and greatest quote from my N husband:

"Anyone who pisses me off from now on is getting deleted from my life. I don't care if they're family, friends... anyone. If they piss me off I'm deleting them from my life"


Nice!