Married to an Aspie Support

In the end it's the NOT knowing which can mess up a relationship. If someone is unaware the other has this condition it leads to a feeling of being shut out, ignored. The other gets perceived as cold and distant. Certainly after a while since the condition solidifies after a certain age. The perosn gets really stuck in his/her ways and thats the moment when the unaware start to have marital problems.

But if both are aware it's just a question of making it work for you, not against you.

Still, on average in the west 1 in 2 marriages fail anyway regardless of the mental state of the persons involved.

Sers wrote:.

He's also the most loyal and honest person I've ever met.

Hi everyone, I'm really new to this forum but I joined mainly because of this thread. I'm married to an aspie and this quote is definitely one that resonates and describes my husband to a T. I wouldn't be with anyone else because I know he will never cheat on me and he will definitely tell me when my bum looks big in something

Welcome I hope you find some support and unbiased insight here.

Hi- I'm a "newbie" here. I think that my daughter & husband have Aspergers. My daughter will be tested in a month or so, bec she has insurance. My husband will get tested if I force him. I'm overwhelmed right now...We have been married for 16 years; never felt close. I had to learn to be independant emotionally & physically. Then eventulally I felt emotionally divorced! He's a great Dad in many ways. I have so much to say & ask, but like I said it's overwhelming right now. Thanks for being here.

Welcome Tikvah. Ask away. Many good people here.

I would like to join your facebook page. My boyfriend of four years was diagnosed with bipolar, aspergers and ADHD about a year ago. I too struggle with some of the issues you do and others and it's been really tough so far. I have definitely come to the conclusion that I need to talk with other people that can relate and understand what I'm going through. When I talk to friends or family... And especially my Aspie, they can't understand at all. They seem to feel like he's just selfish and not trying. I also feel he's selfish but i do know he really feel like he's putting in a lot of effort, but many times I don't see it. I care about him deeply and want to make our relationship work but sometimes I feel like I may have to sacrifice so much of myself and what I expected out of a relationship. I often wonder how long I can deal and if I'm "losing myself".

I so relate to the gabbing on and on about work. And I seem to be able to deal until he then doesn't seem to want to listen to my work stories. It makes me feel not valuable or interesting to him. It makes me sad. It does always seem like it's all about him.

I think the hardest part for me is feeling like he doesn't listen and understand me. I feel also like it's so hard to get closer to him emotionally and that we just keeping getting further apart.

I feel for you that your husband isn't open to the idea of diagnosis and that he won't consider the possibility that he has Aspergers. I think knowing helps them to make adjustments and efforts at easing your pain and frustration. I can't even imagine managing a family and you've stuck in it for a long time, so it must be worth it.

Discovering after 30 yrs of marriage that there was a name to this 'strange' behaviour, I went through six months of depression, and searing sadness and grief (not anger). What has helped enormously is seeing a phychologist together but my Aspie partner only agreed after I made it non-negotiable - i.e. we need to clear up this constant communication problems or it's over - I've had enough!. My guy is really trying - more purposeful touching, a night out together on my birthday (first ever from memory). He doesn't 'get' the communication problems and still blames me 'you're not always right' etc. That is the biggest issue I have and have yet to get him to understand this aspect of his behaviour - but via the psychogist as I need this third person. Taking things literally is one problem. If I need clarification after he comments on something, he immediately raises his voice. I ask again a pertinent question, then it's on for young and old. I believe he can't handle the analytical reasoning - he is talking rote, and I need more info. I don't realize until it's too late and then .... I also think if there are two strands in either his or my communication, he 'looses' the one of least importance i.e. probably remembering the more factual for him i.e. the weatherman said it would rain tomorrow.

He also has definitive indoor housekeeping roles that he adheres to and which I now understand he needs to do and do my himself (not my helping). My role has always been to share and I find it difficult not to join in and help as I once did. Helping in the garden I would have water sprayed at me, mulch thrown at me because I would be in the way (not understanding the role of working together as a team). Whilst finding out the Asp word has been unbelievably hard, at least there has been improvement and yet I'm still grieving.

One more thing.............a peaceful lifestyle helps enormously. Keep life simple, good music, time to oneself important to both. And someone to talk to!

Susy wrote: He doesn't 'get' the communication problems and still blames me 'you're not always right' etc. That is the biggest issue I have and have yet to get him to understand this aspect of his behaviour - but via the psychogist as I need this third person. Taking things literally is one problem. If I need clarification after he comments on something, he immediately raises his voice. I ask again a pertinent question, then it's on for young and old. I believe he can't handle the analytical reasoning - he is talking rote, and I need more info. I don't realize until it's too late and then .... I also think if there are two strands in either his or my communication, he 'looses' the one of least importance i.e. probably remembering the more factual for him i.e. the weatherman said it would rain tomorrow.

30 years.... Wow you are one patient lady!

But here what you said is indeed a core issue with Aspies who are diagnosed late in life. The problem is that this behavior has been gone uncorrected for decades is now a firmly entrenched reaction pattern. It's actually no longer being Aspie, but just following a standard reaction routine.

It needs to be rewritten and that takes time and lots of effort on his side. A good thing is to signal where, at which point he goes into 'standard reaction' mode by just saying so.

Start over the conversation, so that he can self-recognize the moment where he flips the switch. At a certain point in the future he should be able to correct himself. Evidently you are very patient so....

Either a NT partner reacts angrily and eventually leaves or maybe/probably is manipulated/controlled and, as I have discovered, becomes part Aspie. The gap sort of closes. Anger is a good thing in certain circumstances and causes a reaction. But yes, I am patient and as the years passed started more reasoning and analytical thinking. Fortunately the 'melt downs' weren't the type that went on for a day or days as I have heard can happen, or I wouldn't have stayed.

Now we are dealing with bad communication issues and I explain that I need more information and my quizzing isn't to provoke. When letting the Aspie know you haven't understood the question, they need to know that they shouldn't repeat exactly what they said previously, but to explain it again BUT in a different way. Also, if they make a suggestion that doesn't make sense to you, it helps if they explain the reason why - or the NT partner asks for the reason.

Tools to help both parties are really needed, so any help on any of these issues is wonderful and it is only by reading or getting professional help can we sort out the tangled mess.

Susy wrote:When letting the Aspie know you haven't understood the question, they need to know that they shouldn't repeat exactly what they said previously, but to explain it again BUT in a different way. Also, if they make a suggestion that doesn't make sense to you, it helps if they explain the reason why - or the NT partner asks for the reason.

Well, thats what you do then isn't it? I'm trying to understand the issue, seriously. But to me you have got it perfectly well figured out and gave the solution yourself. Bash him around the head till he gets the message: stop your rote answers and answer in a way more suitable to me.

Tools to help both parties are really needed, so any help on any of these issues is wonderful and it is only by reading or getting professional help can we sort out the tangled mess.

If your communication has degraded to you both are beyond discussing it i presume the best way forward is couples therapy.