Married to an Aspie Support

Sers wrote:All of this makes me wonder still if there is a point in telling him I think he has AS. What would the gain be? He is so very sensitive; I can totally see him taking this and seeing it as a mental illness instead of just a term that is used to describe some differences in how he sees interacts with the world. I wonder if it ends up being more helpful for me than for him... Still on the fence.

My suggestion is never to TELL him. But help him, steer him in discovering it himself. Many people here found it a catharsis to have found a reason why there are who they are. It would be very helpful for him, and by that helpful for you. It's just not absolutely necessary to go get an official label imo.

petrossa, this makes sense to me, and I appreciate the input/advice. I'm going to take a page from my husband's book and mull it all over for awhile.

Sers wrote:He talks very loudly. Or maybe a better way to phrase this, is he doesn't know when to modify the volume of his voice. I think him talking loudly is because he's a big guy (6'7") with a deep chest, and I think he simply has a lot of volume. But he doesn't know to turn it down when people are sleeping, when someone is watching a movie, when it's 2:00 in the morning in an apartment complex parking lot, etc.

Sers,

I know this paragraph that you wrote wasn't really directed at me. But with this particular issue of loudness, I thought of something my sister has mentioned to me several times. She is not a very loud person, in general. But, she, being mildly autistic, has told me quite a few times that she sympathizes with those who seem to be autistic and who often get loud and/or close to another person's personal space. The way she describes that behavior is that the autistic person likely feels they have to "drown out" all the sensory input coming in, or the internal activity going on, in their brain. In other words, they may feel they have to shout over the noise that you may not hear or feel or sense but that they may sometimes sense. That sort of view may 'explain' close proximity as well, in that some autistics may feel the need to be overly/abundantly clear that they are trying to get your attention, trying to speak to you only, or trying to make a point. Whether I am sure I agree with my sister's take in every context, I still definitely see her point and see that there is something to that idea, at least to the extent that we have to take it for granted that the "autistic" person (or any person, in another context) is reacting legitimately to their own experience as they experience it and not simply acting differently because "they don't know any better", if you get my drift.

By the way, my sister has this view because she says that she often feels as if she is taking in too much data from the outside world, as if she is more sensitive than normal, particularly to sounds I think.

Also, I'm sorry I've been absent for a few days. And I'm also a little sorry I don't have much more to say at the moment. But the main reason I don't have much to say is because I was busy last night drinking quite a bit more alcohol than I normally do so that I could socialize more than I normally do. I wouldn't even bring that up if I weren't writing this on an AS group. My wife and I and our sons were visiting some people who I wanted to try to make feel more at ease and able to converse with me better than in the past. So, I did my duty of drinking about 7 hours worth of alcohol (I calculate it while I'm drinking). Anyway, I really only say this to entertain. But, it's true, and it helped. And my wife said, "Good job!" after I asked her how my technique was.

cheers,
Dave

Dave, this that you said here:

at least to the extent that we have to take it for granted that the "autistic" person (or any person, in another context) is reacting legitimately to their own experience as they experience it and not simply acting differently because "they don't know any better", if you get my drift.

makes sense to me, and in rereading what I'd posted, I get your drift. It's hard for my brain to get, sometimes, but I think your sister is probably right. It's not necessarily a lack of mainstream social actions, but perhaps a reaction to stimuli that is private to that person. I'm trying to think of this intellectually, since I cannot make my brain naturally relate.

Also, your last paragraph there explaining your absence from the forum cracked me up. =D My husband drinks occasionally in social settings, and he just gets the biggest smile on his face, and is quite jovial and jolly. It's fun to see him that way.

Thanks so much for the insight throughout me visiting this forum. It's been a pleasure for me.

Sarah

Sarah, and anyone who finds this useful,

In case I haven't mentioned it at all, to sum my career up I'm a cognitive scientist currently transitioning from computer science to neuroscience. From that perspective, I feel obligated to add a more technical point about Asperger's and autism: In one individual, other autistic traits are often present in addition to specifically Asperger's traits. I think this is the case with my sister, as a personal example. You may not hear that perspective from every psychologist, particularly one relying only/mainly on the "DSM" for their categories and criteria. But, from the neuroscience perspective, I think that we will likely find out in the future that different "autistic" traits are present due to some "highways" in the brain, if you will, being broader or slimmer from one individual to the next. The most strict Asperger's trait seems to be a heavier routing of thoughts through the language and/or logic centers in the brain, as contrasted with the "non-verbal" autistics which develop something like the opposite - a rerouting away from the language centers (and in some cases away from the "logic" centers in general). Other traits outside of language and logic reroutings (remember, this is just like broader highways in some places than in others) are likely to be due to other "autistic" reroutings beyond just Asperger's (or at least beyond a more strict definition of what Asperger's may be).

Long story short, from what you listed, your husband may have traits that are "atypically" autistic, meaning that the traits are outside of just the simple logic/language spectrum that is at the core of much of what is called autism today. (That's simply because it's been simpler, so far, to talk about the logic and language aspects than it has been to talk about other aspects that only neuroscience will really be able to study since it's too hard for psychology to do so with any depth.) Or, to put it in other words, he may have Asperger's but may have other autistic traits as well. So, to bring that down to the practical ("where the rubber meets the road"), if you want to decide whether or how to talk to him about Asperger's or autism, just try to gauge how open both you and he are toward science and HOW you look at science. In other words, can he look at the idea of autism as an exploration of himself and/or of the brain, or is it just a societal "box" (which, I think, is your concern)? Or, is he (and are you) ready to look at and discuss things like psychology and neuroscience as if they are both open-ended (not stifling) and real to you? Those are ongoing questions. But, answering them at any step of the way might help you gauge how easy it is going to be to openly discuss things with each other.

cheers again,
Dave

Hi everyone, I'm not married to an Apsie but have been with my partner for 8.5yrs. He's an as yet undiagnosed Aspie. We don't have any children and don't plan on any so I can't relate to the parenting side of this but can however relate to the relationship side
A lot of what the people on here have been saying has really been ringing bells with me but I also wondered if anyone has any positive aspects of being with an Aspie? I know it's really tough at times but I do think there is something to be gained from being with an Aspie. For example, I was taught from a young age strict manners and behaviour patterns (including being taught how to use my knife and fork 'right handed' as I'm a lefty) but since being with Keith I've learnt that things like this are really not that important in the grand scheme of things. The people that matter in my life don't care which way round I eat etc and these are the only people worth knowing. Also, Keith gets very obsessed with certain things, this may seem bad at first but when I ask him to explain his latest obsession then he can tell me at great length about something I've never really known about and so I learn and he's happy, we've got it so perfected now that I can tell him when I need a break and when to stop.
Just thought I'd try and put a new slant on it

It's interesting that noone else posted on this thread until I got settled in my new place and got the family computer fired up for the first time. I check the link I left myself and find out that there was a new post at the same time I was setting up the computer. (Just an interesting coincidence I could hardly help sharing.)

Anyway, Purple_tigger, I can't entirely speak for my wife. But I think she'd say some things similarly to you. She often has said she learns new things from me. And she listens quite a lot and quite patiently until those times when we just have to put the rambling on hold. As for the social conventions thing, at least in my case I do know that I very much help my wife feel as if there is always another way to look at things and that expectations don't always match reasons.

There's also something to be said for the fact that a marriage usually takes a good deal of work, period. Working out misunderstandings and just getting to know each other is not instantaneous or effortless. At the end of the day, the person you're married to is the person you're married to, not because there is science or psychological labels to back up everything they do, but because they just are who they are. I just did not want that to go without being said, because I appreciate individuality so much. As a neuroscience geek, I am consistently chasing new ideas and explanations for our human and individual behaviour. But that's just it - it's only chasing. We don't know it all in psychologically related sciences, even with the collective knowledge of everyone on the entire planet. And when you're in any kind of consistent relationship with someone, at the end of it all it's about them being who their being who they are and whether and how you can appreciate that.

My current partner has no interest in common with me, not one. From food, music, film, pleasures, interests, politics to reproduction.

We disagree on everything. Really everything. But what we do share is trust and a need for space.

Works like a dream. She lives her life, i live mine, in the middle we meet for a bit and respect each others boundaries.

Hardly any work involved, just her being herself and i being myself.

We both agree also that we'll stick it out till death do us part.

I agree, there are definite benefits. As often happens in a forum, folks come to discuss issues or difficulties they are having, in the hopes that they get some insight or help or what have you, and the stuff that's great is often put aside.

My priorities and perspectives are getting shifted to their proper places, and I love that my husband can inform me quite a bit on various topics. For example, we both love football, though he tends to prefer college, while I've stuck to the NFL. Since meeting him, though, I've heard so much about college level play, stats, players, coaches, sanctions, etc, that my interest in the sport has broadened a ton, and that's awesome.

It's also been really easy to slip into a nighttime routine with our son-- when 8:30 rolls around, my husband is right there ready to go with all the steps, like clockwork.

He's also the most loyal and honest person I've ever met.