Married to an Aspie Support

Dave, I really appreciate your input. Have you found that parenting gets easier as the kids get older? "Easier" might not be the right word. But regarding relating to them, interacting with them... this feels like a stupid question to me, and I hope you aren't put off by it. I'll explain why I ask.

My husband has said many times that he loves kids, and he has wanted them as much as I have. But when nieces and nephews (ages 4-10) are around, he rarely interacts with them except to reprimand if they are doing something he thinks they shouldn't. This has on one occasion caused the parents of said reprimanded children to get angry (though it got all smoothed out in the end). It's interesting to me: I'll tell him stories of my 5 year old nephew, and my husband laughs, and will regularly tell me how much he loves that child, and how cool he is. Then when my nephew is actually around, my husband doesn't talk to him, and doesn't seem to hear when my nephew asks him questions or tries to converse with him. So I'm wondering if his ability to interact/relate with his own child will increase, since our child is growing under our noses, or if how he acts around other kids is indicative of how he'll act around his own kid.

I have to be honest, I sort of feel like this kind of question must sound insulting. I hope you know that I'm simply desirous of any insight you might want to provide. I have these concerns about my husband, but at the same time I feel guilty for having them, as though by having them I must not trust him, which isn't the case. I think perhaps I worry needlessly.

I also talk too much.

Sarah

Hi Sers,

I am in a somewhat similar situation to you. I have been married for 3 years to my husband and we have a 20 month old daughter. I suspect he may have aspergers too. He interacts pretty well with our daughter but there are some things that he just can't seem to deal with in a normal way. They have a wonderful relationship and he has always been very loving and attentive to her but he cannot handle when she is upset - he completely freaks out and gets extremely anxious and takes it VERY personally. Also he is really stiff when trying to comfort her with hugs, but maybe this is just a man thing. Also, if she is dirty, as in has food on her face or dirt on her he doesn't want to be touched by her and will send her to me, even if she gets hurt he will make sure the dirty part of her doesn't touch him if he has to pick her up. Whereas if she is hurt or upset I don't care what is on her I am going to scoop her up and hold her close until she is okay. Again, this might just be OCD of some sort. It just seems he is overly focused on his obsessions that it can sometimes interfere with the caring of his daughter.

However, my bigger concern is how he acts around other people in general. how is your husband around other people and in social situations? My husband is very awkward around new people and hates to be in public and at parties etc and makes my life miserable if I ever bring him to social events. Also he has trouble showing his affection to me (the only person he seems to have no trouble showing affection to is his daughter). He always says he loves me but if I ask him what he loves about me, he can't think of anything to say. and he HATES when I cry, it makes him terribly uncomfortable and he doesn't even attempt to comfort me. Also he isn't big on physical contact and doesn't like to be hugged.

Like you, I am not sure if I should confront him and let him know I think he as Asperger's or not. I honestly don't think he would be offended, as he is not easily offended, but I don't think he would really take me seriously. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him although he does admit he isn't the most socially gifted guy...

Thanks for listening, it can feel kind of lonely to be in this situation.

Augustana wrote: Also he is really stiff when trying to comfort her with hugs, but maybe this is just a man thing. Also, if she is dirty, as in has food on her face or dirt on her he doesn't want to be touched by her and will send her to me, even if she gets hurt he will make sure the dirty part of her doesn't touch him if he has to pick her up

My partner got her first grandchild. She handed the thing over to me and i just held it at arms length, totally confused what i was supposed to do with the reeking infant. I for sure wasn't going to let it dribble on me. After she stopped laughing she took it back.

I can relate to your husband.

petrossa wrote:My partner got her first grandchild. She handed the thing over to me and i just held it at arms length, totally confused what i was supposed to do with the reeking infant. I for sure wasn't going to let it dribble on me. After she stopped laughing she took it back.

My husband wasn't quite this bad with his daughter, but with other peoples children that would be his exact reaction. Apparently it's grosser when it's not your kid. haha.

Oh boy, where do I start? I want to approach both Sers' and Augustana's situations at the same time, although that might not be best to do it only that way.

First off, I have to be self-centered and say something about myself, if only to try to clarify why I feel I may not have as hard a time with certain situations as some other Asperger's people do. I seem to think at a high "rate." I think that's my main help, in that I intellectualize things so quickly that I can get over a lot of situations within a few seconds to a few minutes to a few hours of thinking and talking something out. It's not that I don't have difficulty. But I seem to be able to talk myself into and back out of situations in my head more quickly than most, if not all, people I know...in a rational sense, I mean. If I could imagine NOT being able to do that, I can see myself having all sorts of strong aversions to things like small children and their ickiness. I mean, I do have those aversions, but they generally do not overwhelm me.

Yes, children are gross. I mean, I can relate to that aversion to small children, especially when they get poopy, sticky, food-covered, etc. I can usually "get over" most of it because I tell myself a lot of (complex?) intellectual things about how there's no way out of the reality of life and it's dirtiness. If I were not able to tell myself such things and to get myself to (mostly) believe them, then I could see myself obsessing over touching toilets and door handles and trash and, well, let's not get started with that list. I'd be something of a hypochondriac or develop OCD toward cleanliness. However, I mainly tell myself that my ancestors have been dealing with filth for a very long time and it didn't necessarily kill them (at least not by itself). And I see that if I wash up everything systematically and thoroughly after a mess, then I generally am going to survive the experience and not kill myself. But, keep in mind that even if I "get over" things for the most part, what does NOT change is the need to be careful and systematic when I do things such as cleaning up (yes, even cleaning my children).

So, basically, I have to analyze my way out of worrying too much or feeling too grossed out. I'm not saying that's going to work exactly the same for everyone. But, it can help to be aware that it helps, if that makes sense - basically, education and analysis are the main ways "out" of "sticky" mental situations which cause anxiety and obsession. I can't be so presumptuous as to say that it's going to work the same for everyone else as it does for me. But that's the main way that I get out of the sticky situations in my head - analyze...and if I don't have any "answers" yet, try to be patient and wait and don't make too many assumptions based on my reactions instead of based on what I actually have reason to believe.

I'm not sure how I would translate these ideas to your husbands [talking to anyone here in a similar situation as Sers and Augustana]. But that's partly because I don't know them, of course. However, I think if I were to talk to them, I would have to bring up that idea of analysis sooner or later. It's unavoidable, eventually. It's the only thing I know "works" from inside my own mind. We have to question our assumptions - I think that's true for anyone, but in this sort of situation it applies to us who appear to have Asperger's.

And yes, Sers, it can get easier to relate to your children as time goes. But perhaps it may be useful to note that, out of necessity, I have to look at my kids as a responsibility first. I'm not sure, because I'm pretty sure I'm not normal - but I don't think that's how my wife, for example, looks at our children. She probably, as a woman and as a more normal person, usually has feelings of love and attachment first and then thinks about the responsibility after that. I'll venture out and say that it is probably typical for an AS person to do it in the reverse order. I'm pretty sure of that because I see that "we" do most/all things in a reverse order in terms of things that we usually call logical versus emotional. I think most people start with emotions and then possibly, if they have the time and determination, break through those emotions to think about things more logically. People with Asperger's, I would argue, tend to do the reverse.

Sers,
I personally try to relate to children a little more readily than your husband seems to at this point in time. But, I mean, I have long been determined to be a father someday and to try to be damn good at it (meaning my best, at least). I have a heart for it. I've thought a lot about it. And so, I might have a little bit of an advantage just in terms of my sheer determination. I actually have spent considerable time obsessing over and criticizing some of the lax parenting that I do not agree with and the way that fathers are sometimes disengaged (not just AS fathers), among other issues. So, that's been important to me. I don't know everything ABOUT parenting. But I sure as heck never questioned for a second that I CARED about it. So, I feel strongly about that.

Even if your husband is not exactly like that, it doesn't sound like he's the exact opposite, either. I can't seem to avoid saying this next part. So, here goes: He's going to have to learn to do some things just because it seems to help the child, not because he necessarily understands it. I'm not saying that he shouldn't understand it. But I am saying that the AS tendency to need to rely on logic or analysis makes it difficult for AS people to act quickly or to "accept" things. I hope you can at least get your husband to talk about this (though not necessarily all at once), even if you don't use the term "Asperger's" (because the term is kinda beside the point anyway). If you can at least get him to talk a little, you can talk to him about the idea of just trying to trust that at least some of the things that you do or that others suggest to take care of his child are profitable. With that said, if there are particular things that he is extremely uncomfortable doing, it's probably because he does not "understand" the need for those things. And you may want to try to do those things that he is not comfortable with, so that he has time to think it all over for himself rather than feeling forced to do something that he feels is somehow illogical or unnatural.

Stop me if you think anything I'm saying is to "out there" and too much of a stretch for you to understand.

But, I actually need to get off here and go make lunch for my kids (speaking of kids).

cheers,
Dave

CrankSPL wrote: I think most people start with emotions and then possibly, if they have the time and determination, break through those emotions to think about things more logically. People with Asperger's, I would argue, tend to do the reverse.

Dave, this comment really made a lot of sense to me and it sort of seems to explain why my husband and I butt heads so often. I react to a situation with my emotions and can't readily see the logical side of things right away, whereas he approaches everything logically and very rarely sees the emotional side to anything. Last night he told me he was all about having another child - just not taking care of it. I had to laugh at that, he always makes odd ball comments like this. He tells me I need to stop making decisions with my emotions, which is interesting because I am actually not an overly emotional person (esp. for a woman) but in comparison to him I am a big ball of mush

The way you think reminds me a lot of my husband, yet he seems to lack the ability for introspection and personal insight that you clearly have. Thanks for your view on things!

Augustana wrote:The way you think reminds me a lot of my husband, yet he seems to lack the ability for introspection and personal insight that you clearly have. Thanks for your view on things!

Give him a chance. Maybe once he comes face to face with himself he'll be more capable of introspection. Not knowing what he has as a mind it's hard to reflect. Once you know, selfreflection comes automatically. The logical mind will do its thing.

And you may want to try to do those things that he is not comfortable with, so that he has time to think it all over for himself rather than feeling forced to do something that he feels is somehow illogical or unnatural.

Dave, I completely agree. And no, nothing you were saying was too out there. My husband is definitely opposite of you regarding your intellectualizing quickly. My husband is a self-proclaimed "muller." He wants and needs lots of time to process things, especially changes or potential changes. I learned this fairly quickly in our marriage, so that now if something is coming up, like me being gone for a day or two, or both of us maybe going somewhere for the weekend, I try to ask him about it a couple weeks in advance. At least. He hates change.

I will say though that he is really intent on being a good day, and I feel like this is the most important thing. He is making an effort to look at our son when he's talking to him (my husband doesn't do eye contact well. If he's talking to someone, he's 99% of the time looking at someone else, or at a far corner of the room), and it helps that our son responds to it with smiles and such.

Huge change that I saw: I don't ask my husband to change poopy diapers, but over time I've requested that he change at least one regular diaper a day, just as a way to create a situation where my husband is interacting and spending time with our baby. He loves him to pieces, but he often doesn't think to focus on him unless someone else does first, so this seemed like a way to sort of nudge him into it. I don't know. Anyway, he took our son into the nursery the other day, and I hear this "Oh no, we have a problem." Apparently the diaper held more than he bargained for. I asked him (I'm hoping here that my asking him if he wants me to do things or step in isn't patronizing. I don't want to be patronizing. I just feel like I'm often working to avoid a situation where my husband gets flustered and frustrated and then gets hurt by it) if he wanted me to take care of it for him, and he declined. He joyfully declined, and changed a poopy diaper.

I see him making steps like this, I see him getting his feelings hurt less and less often. It still happens, but not nearly as frequently. When our son was just a few months old, and would scratch my husband with those sharp little baby nails, as babies will do, my husband would take it personally, and act like our son did it on purpose. So he's moved from that mindset to now getting scratched, or kicked in the groin, or getting peed on, and *mostly* being able to chuckle about it.

All of this makes me wonder still if there is a point in telling him I think he has AS. What would the gain be? He is so very sensitive; I can totally see him taking this and seeing it as a mental illness instead of just a term that is used to describe some differences in how he sees interacts with the world. I wonder if it ends up being more helpful for me than for him... Still on the fence.

Augustana, sorry it took so long for me to reply; I've had a busy couple of days. You asked how my husband acts in public, social situations. I'll write it in list form, it'll be easier I think.

He makes initial eye contact when talking with someone, but then drops it and either looks at someone else entirely (which can be confusing until you're used to it) or looks at a far corner of the room.

He invades personal space when chatting, primarily when saying something humorous. He'll lean in until he's maybe six inches from the listener's face, kind of conspiratorially, and finish what he's saying. I'm used to it, but I've noticed it puts a lot of people off.

He gets very stressed and short when there are more than a few people around. He gets whiny, and starts to complain about everything, and gets snappy with folks. I will usually suggest he find a quiet room for a few minutes, or take a walk, and this helps him.

He doesn't have a poker face. If someone says something that he finds silly or strange or irritating, even if it's family--as in my family--his face shows it. He has no idea he does this, and when I've brought it up, he has no idea what I'm talking about.

He will belittle someone's opinion by repeating it with a mocking tone of voice. He honestly thinks he is simply relaying that opinion, he does not hear his voice change. At all.

He gets very defensive if someone has an opinion different from his, be it about movies, sports, politics, doesn't matter.

He is very verbose about his favorite subjects, and goes into far greater detail than most people can or want to follow. His mind for trivia is like a steel trap. He knows the career histories of just about every NFL player: what teams they played on in what order, what college they played for, their position in the draft, when they've been injured. And he will go on and on and on long after everyone's eyes in the room have glazed over.

He doesn't give others the same attention he expects in a conversation. If he's bored, he shows it, and will literally turn away or start fiddling with something, and as soon as there's a pause in what that person was saying, he'll jump right in and take over.

He talks very loudly. Or maybe a better way to phrase this, is he doesn't know when to modify the volume of his voice. I think him talking loudly is because he's a big guy (6'7") with a deep chest, and I think he simply has a lot of volume. But he doesn't know to turn it down when people are sleeping, when someone is watching a movie, when it's 2:00 in the morning in an apartment complex parking lot, etc.

Sorry this is turning into another long post. I appear to be rather verbose myself. =D

He always says he loves me but if I ask him what he loves about me, he can't think of anything to say.

--you mentioned this. This is also like my husband. He seems to see me as a whole, and is unable to pick out different traits or aspects of my personality. I was kind of hurt by this at first, but I've come to accept it. Basically, I trust that he loves me. His actions don't always support this in a conventional sense, so I've had to adjust my expectations, and so far it seems to be working.

Our biggest hurdle has always been the ability to talk out a serious issue in our relationship. If there is a hurt that is bigger than usual, or a repeated action that is just detrimental, or whatever, he can't talk about it. I will literally be the only person speaking, while he looks at me with a blank expression on his face. In these situations, he cannot even give one word answers, he can't say "yes" or "no" or "maybe" or even "I can't talk right now." He just completely shuts any communication down. I have asked him a question, and he has literally (and I use that word correctly) taken upwards of 15 minutes to give a response, all the while just staring at me. Interestingly, it is when he is like this that he actually will maintain eye contact with me.

I'm really sorry it's been rough going for you. I can relate to the times of lonliness.

Sers wrote:

He always says he loves me but if I ask him what he loves about me, he can't think of anything to say.

--you mentioned this. This is also like my husband. He seems to see me as a whole, and is unable to pick out different traits or aspects of my personality. I was kind of hurt by this at first, but I've come to accept it. Basically, I trust that he loves me. His actions don't always support this in a conventional sense, so I've had to adjust my expectations, and so far it seems to be working.

Sorry if a butt in. I can shed some light on this, i hope.

I haven't got the faintest idea what she means when my partner says 'i love you'. It doesn't evoke an emotion in me .I take it on face value. I take it that it means she cares for me more then she cares for others.

So when i respond 'i love you too' i mean that what i understood. I care for you more then others. I worry about her wellbeing, i want her to feel good, etc.