Married to an Aspie Support

possibly as someone with aspergers myself, my post won't be welcome..

I feel like i'm intruding a bit - (please do tell me if i'm intruding.. i don't want to make anyone uncomfy here xx), I'm really sorry for your experience with your wife though Turckey..

can i suggest though that maybe your first thoughts about your wife were possibly correct - you can also have aspergers and npd mixed together.. a hugely lethal combination since you end up with someone who doesn't care at all about others and can't read their emotional state to see how they're affecting others..

Once upon a time you loved your wife enough to get married to her.. so presumably she acted differently back then and made you feel good - people with aspergers cannot usually put on a front like that - we are as you find us and we don't generally change much..

I wish you health and much care as well as a hope that you meet another aspie one day that can show you that we're not all like this at all.
xx

I just realized a few days ago that I've been married to a man who has Asperger's for nearly eight years. He hasn't been officially diagnosed yet, but even he's positive it's Asperger's. We separated a few weeks ago after a long, rocky patch that made things much worse. I did everything I could to be there for him, but ultimately I lost patience with him because my life wasn't my own anymore.

He moved back in with his family, and I thought they were supportive of both of us until today when I realized my in-laws are blaming me for everything. "He wasn't like this before you came along."

That's not true. Everyone who knows him know it's not true. I've heard stories about him from relatives and friends, going back to when he was little.

I don't care what these people think of me, but their attitude about me is making things worse for my husband, since he's living with them, and they're influencing his mental health decisions.

I tried to explain to my mother-in-law the damage he's done to me, not to place blame, but to get her to understand what she's dealing with so she'll take it seriously and get him help instead of claiming there's nothing wrong with him and making him worse.

But instead, she threw it back at me, completely blaming me. She takes it as an attack when I'm just trying to let her know he needs help. She said, "There must be something wrong with you if you didn't say anything about it before." It's all my fault, in her eyes. I caused it, and I hurt him by letting it go on for this long.

He would be like this with anyone. She saw signs of it his entire life, I know that for a fact, but she willfully denies it, because then she has to admit she failed as a parent. It's all about her.

He and I both suspected he had Asperger's in the past, but I thought it was just high-functioning autism that made you more quirky and interesting. I didn't know it was at the root of my marriage problems and the slow whittling-away of my sanity. It's been good to know, because I now have much more patience for him than I had before. Instead of losing my temper with him, I see him as a person who needs TLC and therapy.

I do have mental illness in my past, and that's probably why I end up with guys like him. I am accustomed to the abuse, and after having several long-term relationships with these guys (that I only see in hindsight), I'm scared to ever try again. I obviously do a poor job of picking my partners. My mother-in-law thinks I caused her son to be this way.

But he was like this when I got him, and if she would realize that, then maybe she would take his mental health more seriously, and actually do something about it instead of telling him to pray more, or read his Bible more. She's one of the most narcissistic people I've ever met, and she refuses to take responsibility, which you'd expect.

I'm trying to get him to move out of their house to live with another relative who will actually be supportive, so he can get help. They're making him much worse

I feel much more compassion toward my husband now that I know his actual problem. I thought it was just anxiety all this time. He's gotten worse since he moved out, and it's because his parents don't really believe he has a problem.

They don't understand why it would take so long to manifest. "If it was this huge, horrible thing, why did it take so long to come out?" which leads to, "It must be your fault. He wasn't like this until you came along. You should've said something before.

I don't know how to explain why it took so long to realize it either, or why it took so long to see that my father has Asperger's, and so do two of my ex-boyfriends. Of course, this only makes it MORE my fault. "She should know better." I only see it in hindsight.

I would shrug it all off if not for the fact that he's living there, and they influence his decisions. Unfortunately, he may end up living there with these jerks for a while. I wish I could take him back but I have issues of my own, and together we have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

I read through comments and posts, here and elsewhere, from spouses of Asperger's, and I sense a common tone of frustration, the frantic need to just be heard, because your life doesn't make sense and you feel like you're falling apart. Thank you for being so open with your feelings. I feel like a few people understand, and that makes me feel hopeful.

I am hearing you. My husband has not yet been diognosed either. We have to wait till September for an appointment, and it cannot come soon enough. I am reaching out to this forum for guidence on how to cope with and understand my husbands way of thinking. I hope together we can make life a little easier fr ourselves.

Hi Noreen and all the other members!
Thanks for creating this forum. I feeI it will really help sharing and swapping info and stories here.
I am a dating a guy who I think is an Aspie. He told me once that one of his old friends thought that he has Aspergers, but he didn’t believe so. I didn’t think much of this information at the time and let it pass, as I didn’t know much about the syndrome and its behavioural characteristics. We’d been dating for 3 months at the time and were hitting it off perfectly. Towards the 5th month we started having massive arguments. Mainly because I felt he didn’t love me enough as he wouldn’t show how he felt. I’d crave reassurance or more displays of love which wouldn’t come as frequently. The day I realised he might have Aspergers was the day he had his first meltdown. I was telling him about some problem at work that was severely stressing me out. He somehow didn’t realize my need for comfort and instead told me to stop complaining. I felt hurt and told him how I felt. One thing lead to another and things escalated. That’s when his ear started twitching and he covered his ears and started screaming and telling me to shut up. As if it was physically hurting him. I was stunned and clueless. He walked out and didn’t return home till late in the evening. I was scared and confused. A part of me thought how he could treat me that way and a part of me thought maybe I was complaining too much and I was wrong. That’s when I decided to do some research on Aspergers and almost all of the characteristics matched. He returned home and pretty much had made up his mind to spend the night away from me. My world came crashing as I was sure he was going to end things. I am an extremely logical person myself and somehow managed to reason with him and convinced him to stay. I did have to admit to him I was wrong and that crying was an unnecessary reaction to emotions (he hates it when I’m crying) and a sign of weakness. At that point I was ready to do and say anything to make him stay. My guy is amazing and I love him to bits. I did try telling him once after the fight that I thought he might have Aspergers but again he disagreed - however, I am sure of it. He’s super intelligent, lacks social skills and talks endlessly and obsessively about topics that interest him. He doesn’t pick up on social cues etc. We both love each other and now that I understand better why he acts a certain way, I have learned not to bring up things that trigger his meltdowns. I do sometimes feel a little sad when I crave some form of reassurance or verbal affection from him and it doesn’t come. I just have to remind myself that he can’t help it and that he does love me, he just doesn’t see the logic in repeating it. This has also helped me in noticing the small things he does as his way of showing love. He knows I love it when he wears a formal jacket as I’d compliment him endlessly and one night when he picked up on my mood (he’s learned that when I don’t talk or retreat into my space, I am upset), he wore the jacket when we were going out for dinner. That effort made my heart melt! For NTs, that will probably be no biggie, but I think for an Aspie, for even to make that effort is a huge deal. I wish I knew what he was thinking or he’d tell me more often how he feels about me, as I worry that maybe he’ll eventually get bored or lose interest, but I am scared of asking him constantly how he feels as that annoys him to no end. I dislike having to guess as to what he might be thinking about a particular situation. I pick up on his moods and desperately want to comfort him or talk about it or help in some way when he seems upset. But I know trying to talk about why he is upset, upsets him even more. So I have to hold myself back and just let him be. Another thing that worries me is that at the start of the relationship he’d talk about our future and having kids etc, but after our recent fights he hasn’t talked about our future, which worries me that he doesn’t feel as sure about the relationship as he was before or is having second thoughts about us. This is one of my big concerns as I love him deeply and don’t want to lose him. I am confident that it will work and we’ll learn our way through the hard bits. I don’t want to ask him directly about this as he’s mentioned before that it is a sign of insecurity or that my want of affection is plain neediness. I don’t want to give him reasons to love me less and I don’t know how to tell him that it’s common for NTs to want regular show of affection or assurances without telling him he might have Aspergers. I feel that he should know, at some stage, as it might help work towards the relationship and in his personal growth as well, but I’m also scared that if I told him, he might have another meltdown and end the relationship. Even though he’s unwilling to recognize that he might have Aspergers, he’s learned to handle situations really well and blend in and be social. It breaks my heart to even imagine him being bullied or hurt because of his brain being wired differently. In my personal opinion it’s a gift and I wish people were more compassionate and understanding of it. For me an Aspie is like having the innocence and honesty of a child, the intelligence and brilliance of a scientist and the love and loyalty of a best friend. I am lucky to have met him and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him happy.

Hi everybody,

I’m brand new here. I came here because i’m married
to an Aspie, who by any means does not accept he has the
disorder, or tries to look for help. Four months ago I ask him
to PLEASE!!! get help and a diagnosis. Not necessarily
in that order. After my request, a big argument followed.
He was very angfy at me, but said he will schedule
an appointment with a psychiatrist anyway. Days later,
he said he did schedule an appointment, but to my surprise,
he said he got an appointment within the next 5 months. I
really didn’t believe the only available appointment
was in 5 months, but I had to accept it.

We have been together for almost 4 years and we
recently got married. Now I desperately need help
and support. I feel like he is only my roommate. When we
are home, he spends all day long on front of the
TV, playing video games, or reading books. He does not
like at all to interact or have a conversation with me.
If I ask him questions or try to talk to him about a topic,
he does not pay attention. He acts like he just wish I stop
talking or go away from his presence. When I get
upset because he avoids listening to me, or
he cuts me off when I’m talking, he asks me what
is wrong about watching TV, or reading books.

Due to his non common personality, I did a research
and found out his personality characteristics are from
someone with Asperger’s Disorder:
1. He only likes to talk about specific topics (in his case,
Science-fiction, physics and religion). Any other topics
are a No-No for him.
2. He spends hours and hours watching YouTube videos,
playing video games, or reading books about his favorite
topics only.
3. He picks the movies we watch. Never ever ask me
what I would like to watch. The movies he picks
are only Science fiction or religious.
4. When going out to eat, he never asks what I want,
he always pick the food he likes. If I suggest something
else, he gets upset. It’s all about him.
5. He hates to have any conversations with me, unless
they are about his 3 favorite topics.
6. If I get sick or feel down emotionally, he doesn’t care
at all. He lacks EMPATHY tremendously. One day I got
really sick during the morning while I was at work.
I called him and asked him to pick me up and take me
to the Dr. He refused. I had to drive myself home and wait
until he got off work late in the afternoon. He said he
couldn’t ask his boss for permission to leave work,
even when it was an emergency, because his job is his
responsibility.
7. He hates attending to parties or any social event that have
a lot of people.
8. Can’t stand lights on at home even when is dark
9. Can’t stand even semi-loud music. It hurts his ears.
10. If I sneezed, he covers his ears. He said the sound makes
his ears hurt.
11. Does not follow up or return phone calls from
his friends. He doesn’t know how to act in a friendship.
12. Does not keep or maintain relationships with his
very few friends
13. During our honeymoon, I was crying most of the
time because he only read books, watch animals
shows on the TV and went to sleep very early.
14. He is a human clock. He goes to sleep at 8:15 pm
every night.
15. He does not like sex. If we had sex 3 or 4 times
during the last 8 months is a lot. He does not know
how to make love. He just lay down flat on the bed
waiting for me to do everything.
16. He hates to go out on dates.
17. He avoids talking to people. If something breaks
at home, I have to talk to the landlord or
maintenance guy. He only likes to talk when is
about science, science-fiction or religion.
18. He is obsessed with video-games.
19. He hates being romantic or passionate.
20. He hates to socialize. He prefers to
interact with books, videos or video games.
I can keep writing more and more about
my husband’s personality, but I think you
guys got the point.

I really need help on how to handle this
situation. We don’t have a relationship,
we are worse than roommates. He has no
clue of how a real husband should be.
I really think I made a BIG mistake getting
married, but now is too late. I suffer-a lot
in this marriage, because I’m the opposite
of him. I’m generous, always like to
help others, I take care of people, I’m a loyal
friend, very outgoing, communicative. I enjoy
being with people and social life. I love
to have conversations and help others.

Is there anybody out there that is going though a similar
situation, who can advice me what to do to cope with my sad
relationship?

Huge huge hugs to you lonelyflower..

I have aspergers myself, but i need as much human connection in a relationship as you do.. and being with a man like your husband sounds so so lonely

Was he always like that or did he try at first and act more social.. more caring etc?

Hopefully someone married to an aspie will come along and offer some decent advice, but in the meantime, i hope you don't mind me commenting and offering some suggestions from an aspie viewpoint <3

When going out to eat, he never asks what I want,
he always pick the food he likes. If I suggest something
else, he gets upset. It’s all about him.

He picks your food for you? or do you mean that he chooses the restaurant based on his wishes?
I can understand him choosing the restaurant, as us aspies are often quite fussy and it's likely that he won't eat at all if he's not comfortable with at least a couple of items on the menu..
But if he's picking your food for you.. then umm =
I'm lost on a suggestion other than what i'd do and that's to overrule him to the wait staff and tell them what i'd like instead.

Thinking out loud here - aspies often do really well if we have set rules/structures in place to follow.. we know where we are and don't get too overwhelmed like we do when plans/our ideas suddenly get changed without enough warning.
So.. based on that thought - can you set some rules in place for him regarding eating out?
ie; that he can pick the restaurant 50% of the time, or 2 times out of 3, but you get to pick it the rest of the time? and if he doesn't agree, then you go and eat with a friend or something instead?

He hates to have any conversations with me, unless
they are about his 3 favorite topics.

This is a hugely difficult one to deal with, from both of your points of view.. you want to be heard, and he finds it impossible to engage with something that doesn't interest him.
I have a wide range of interests, and can chat about almost anything and be interested, but there are some topics that i just can't manage - and trying to force my attention to stay put is actually quite painful.. mentally draining and i tend to dissociate after a few minutes. (my pet hate topics are clothes, shoes, and anything to do with someone forcing a religious viewpoint down my throat without any ability to remain open to other thoughts).
You may have to accept that he just isn't able to focus on things other than his interests.. and if you want him to talk with you, it might be helpful to try and meet him at his level - ie; talking about his interests with him if possible.

If I get sick or feel down emotionally, he doesn’t care
at all. He lacks EMPATHY tremendously. One day I got
really sick during the morning while I was at work.
I called him and asked him to pick me up and take me
to the Dr. He refused. I had to drive myself home and wait
until he got off work late in the afternoon. He said he
couldn’t ask his boss for permission to leave work,
even when it was an emergency, because his job is his
responsibility.

Black and white thinking at its finest i'm afraid.. him being at work was a rule that he couldn't force his mind to accept breaking. It's fairly simple for most allistics to ask for the time off to take care of their sick partner, but for an aspie there's a huge STOP sign flashing and screaming in their brain when they even consider stepping out of the set rules.
Lacking empathy is another thing entirely - does he display any at all at any time? that would concern me hugely..
i'm not good at talking about how i'm feeling.. but i always feel bad when anyone i care about is unwell or in any kind of pain (emotional or otherwise).. and i'll always listen and try to help if i can..

Have you asked him if he cares? and if his answer was yes, have you explained that you need him to do certain things to show that he does because you can't read his mind and know ?

I'm not particularly outgoing but i do usually enjoy myself once i've forced myself to go out/meet up with people..

I'll be too open/blunt with this next bit, and i hope you don't mind me saying so, but you know.. i wouldn't be with someone that doesn't care and doesn't even try to meet me halfway..
fair enough if he's willing to try - but honestly, an introverted and unemotional aspie like your husband is my idea of a nightmare.
i won't say you should break up with him - but damn, you're suffering far more than anyone ever should.. and if he's not capable of change, are you really going to spend the rest of your life feeling so miserably lonely? x

lonelyflower wrote:I really need help on how to handle this
situation. We don’t have a relationship,
we are worse than roommates. He has no
clue of how a real husband should be.
I really think I made a BIG mistake getting
married, but now is too late. I suffer-a lot
in this marriage, because I’m the opposite
of him. I’m generous, always like to
help others, I take care of people, I’m a loyal
friend, very outgoing, communicative. I enjoy
being with people and social life. I love
to have conversations and help others.

... it's never too late. get out of this marriage and make a fresh start.

Dear Seebreezeblue:

I'm so new and bad at computers that I have tried to post my response to you 3 times unsuccessfully!!!
I'm really frustrated. I think I saved a draft of my response a couple of times, but can't find the message.
This is very confusing. I clicked on "Quote" to quote your text, but it didn't work either when I was going to submit my response, the submit box was not anywhere.

Can you help me please!!!!

Thanks
Lonelyflower

You perhaps got logged out while you were writing?

If you saved a draft then click to reply, and then find the button that says ''load draft''.. and if you can't find it then really don't worry about trying to quote.. I'll be able to figure out what's what fairly easily,

Give it another try and please give me a shout if it's still not working for you - we'll get it sorted xx

click quote. copy the text into word. edit as desired. post back over the copy and preview. if satisfied, submit.