Married to an Aspie Support

Hello, all...

To the moderators, please forgive a repeat post...I think I've finally found the proper forum for this...feel free to erase the others if necessary...

I'm the father of a daughter in professional school. She is "in love" with one of her classmates whom she has told us has AS, although she subsequently decided that he doesn't after all. We have met the boy, and he is nice, but weird. His brother has identical strange mannerisms, but both parents are perfectly normal (whatever that means, but they do NOT display the same behavioral quirks.) His mother has stated that they fellow is just like his "weird aunt".

Our daughter is head over heels, because this boy is "nice" to her, does nice things, tells her she is pretty and holds her when she has a bad day at school. BUT, for the first two years of the relationship, she complained bitterly to us that he was argumentative, and tired her out with his nitpicking. This has either stopped after she told him she was going to break up with him or she is simply not telling us about it any more.

She went on a trip with the boy and his parents early in the relationship and his mother was hateful to my daughter, but that has turned around 100%, apparently after the boyfriend told his parents he would no longer speak to them if they didn't treat my daughter better. However, over Christmas, he was with them and wouldn't answer my daughter's calls or texts, because his time with his parents was "precious", and "I've already proven that I'll stand up for you to them...what else do you want?"

He has visited us here in our home, and told one of our old friends, whom he had just met, that he wakes up every day thinking of what nice thing he can do for my daughter that day. He met one of her old mentors, someone very prestigious, and acted like the two of them were old friends.

We have outlined the behavioral issues to her a few months ago, and she agreed with all of it, saying she was going to break up. But when she told the boyfriend he was on his way out, he cried and cried, and she relented, and now we are back to him being "perfect".

Bottom line is this...My wife and I are desperate to keep her from making a horrible mistake, one that she probably won't admit until AFTER she's had two AS children. For those of you who have gone through a relationship with someone with AS....is there something...ANYTHING...that would have dissuaded you from going down this path? Thank you and God bless you.

Hi nucleon, I'm married to a man with Aspergers disorder and, while it isn't always the easiest thing in the world, it certainly isn't the biggest mistake of my life. It does sound like your daughter's boyfriend has AS as he seems to exhibit the same behaviors that my husband does. While I realize that having your daughter dating someone with AS, I cannot give you ways to break them up nor can I tell you what would have dissuaded me from marrying my own husband. Mainly because I've known since day one that he has Aspergers and it has never bothered me. I fell in love with who he is as a person, not for his mental state. This is your daughter's decision and, if she chooses to be with him, you should respect it either way. If your daughter truly does love him then she'll stay with him no matter how hard things get or what you tell her. What I would reccomend is letting things play out. If you think he's abusing her, of course you should say something to her and stop the relationship. But, if he's what makes her happy, then you should respect that. Just be there for her. That's all you can really do.

Im trying to figure things out. Thank you for your help and patience in advance. I dont have AS. But my partner has it. I dont mind telling my problem at all but it can be very long.. Though it might help me unload my feelings and help me get enough advices and insights. Now i just want to ask to those who has AS or people who are related with Aspies..

- Do most of them, if not all, 'shut down' when they are in stressed situations or when their senses overload?
- If yes, do they find deciding rights and wrongs hard in those times?
- Do they harm people?
- If yes, cant they stop it? Even if they are aware of it and being helped about it?
- Is it natural to them to forget things even if they know how important that is?
- Asperger control them or are they also capable to control their Aspergers?
- Do meds and therapy really helps?

My Aspie, we've been together for five years. Since we started living with each other he have this habit of not returning home or literally running away when theres a stressful situation. He lies even theres no need to lie, even if i reassured him already i wont get mad (He claims he dont want to disappoint me or afraid of telling the truth), he physically hurts me (not just slapping or pinching but CHOKING!), he always quits in major plans in our life, find it hard to be consistent in things like work, having trouble understanding things.. He is also a man of few words. When you say 100 words, he will only reply 5 words. He also keeps repeating saying same answers. He is not showy of his feelings at all unless i asked for a surprise or a good morning hug.. i understand this part of AS, so i make sure i am vocal with things.. but he always forgets it. He's been making same mistakes in 4 years, monthly, weekly. He is always apologetic and tells us he still wants us after doing bad things. He knows what to do, what not to do, his faults, whats the solution.. yet when the situation comes he shuts down. He seems to have a cycle.. when to be super okay, when to be upset, when to explode.

Ive become depressed and suicidal, my life is already wasted. No friends or career or identity. Now i cant help thinking of harmful things to my kids. Ive been always busy helping him out, being loyal and supportive, believing and assisting him. I always need to beg for something.. even for the basic things like dont run away, dont hit me, smile, remember occasions, etc. I feel so unworthy, why do i deserve all these awful things. I have all these traumas that haunts me randomly even when i sleep.

In regular days, he is very responsible. He is good in home chores and taking care of the kids. Just dont expect him in complicated things that needs deciding or thinking over. He very much likes his work (luckily, its also his special interest) yet having hard time maintaining it. Im the only one who he grew close to and his kids. He dreams and plans for our family and says he loves us.. but he cant back it up. Give him chance to prove it, he will waste it, leave you or hit you. He already improved in some things over the years which i really appreciate (cooking, hugs, kisses, chores, remembering few things i like). He is loving. He always says im the only one in his life. Yet he doesnt do things to make me stay, he always drives me away. Yet i really see that he tries.

I cant remember any good things in all those years. All bad memories and traumas. I always give him chances. Now he is gone again. I gave birth to our 3rd son via CS last 24th July (3 sons in 4 yrs!) After 3 days he hit me again during a fight regardless if i havent recovered yet from the operation. Last 2 days, he tied me up and choked me then left. Most occasions were awful. Even if he is at fault, he gets mad. If i get mad, i'll be damned. He can bear seeing me suffering emotionally and psychologically.. even if im wimping in pain he wont move and just ignore you when he is in 'monster mode'. Before the birth we agreed we will start over and he will never run again or hurt me. We can shout all we want, etc just no to those things.

We agreed to put our third to adoption. He knows how this will affect my life.. yet he still makes things that will make more psychologically disturbed.

Some people fight for their love, afraid of losing their family, has the drive to do something like a hobby or what.. He is just steady. He can live in any circumstances so maybe thats why he doesnt work hard to make our family intact. He blames it all in his disabilities and says he is hopeless and he cant fight things like physically hurting me or running away. Im so willing to support him. But im so tired of giving and not getting something even just 50% or maybe 30%.. i feel abandoned, used, scammed and cheated. I dont know what to do now. I still want to understand him. Maybe i have faults or something. We are not in therapy and meds. Ive developed depression, anxiety, separation anxiety over the years weve together and my OCD manifested when my life became stagnant. Someone help?

I finally figured out today that my husband is an aspy. We have been married 44 years and I am as shocked as you probably are that it too me this long to "get it." We have a grandson with aspy so that is when it began to make sense. I believe that my father-in-law also had it. My husband is a wonderful man but he is a workaholic, to the point that it is impacting his health. His father was the same and he died not long after retiring. My husband could retire now but says he is afraid to financially. I see now that it is his life. He is a very logical person, extremely intelligent and the perfect employee. He will not miss work for anything or any one. Work is his life. I am not and I only realized that today.
We have grown children but they do not live near us and I am very isolated. He has been my whole world. I couldn't wait for the day when his work would end and we would be able to enjoy life together but now I see that he doesn't enjoy anything accept his job. I don't know what to do. I talked with him about it this morning and I was in tears. He had no response. Nothing. It is as if I never really knew him because I have been putting all of these emotions into him that he did not feel. He has two sibs that he has not spoken with in over ten years and doesn't seem to care. Twenty years ago I asked him "What will you do if I die first?" His answer was "Well I have three days leave for funeral leave." That really hurt me. Now I realize that is the logical answer and that is exactly all there is. I feel more alone than I have ever felt and at a loss as to how to go on. I am very much an emotionally tuned in person (artist) and he is like a robot. I love him more than life but now I wonder if I ever knew him at all.

aloneinthis wrote:I finally figured out today that my husband is an aspy. We have been married 44 years and I am as shocked as you probably are that it too me this long to "get it." We have a grandson with aspy so that is when it began to make sense. I believe that my father-in-law also had it. My husband is a wonderful man but he is a workaholic, to the point that it is impacting his health. His father was the same and he died not long after retiring. My husband could retire now but says he is afraid to financially. I see now that it is his life. He is a very logical person, extremely intelligent and the perfect employee. He will not miss work for anything or any one. Work is his life. I am not and I only realized that today.
We have grown children but they do not live near us and I am very isolated. He has been my whole world. I couldn't wait for the day when his work would end and we would be able to enjoy life together but now I see that he doesn't enjoy anything accept his job. I don't know what to do. I talked with him about it this morning and I was in tears. He had no response. Nothing. It is as if I never really knew him because I have been putting all of these emotions into him that he did not feel. He has two sibs that he has not spoken with in over ten years and doesn't seem to care. Twenty years ago I asked him "What will you do if I die first?" His answer was "Well I have three days leave for funeral leave." That really hurt me. Now I realize that is the logical answer and that is exactly all there is. I feel more alone than I have ever felt and at a loss as to how to go on. I am very much an emotionally tuned in person (artist) and he is like a robot. I love him more than life but now I wonder if I ever knew him at all.

Hi aloneinthis, believe it or not I'm not nearly as surprised by your late discovery of his AS as I am that you are only now realizing who he is. Aspergers is just a label, and the discovery that it exists doesn't change who we are. For instance, I was 43 when I found out about AS (similar to you, it was through my son having troubles), and I was already married to my husband at the time, although only for a couple of years. He already knew all my "quirks" and knew me very well, so the discovery that I have AS didn't change that, and it didn't change who I "am" in his eyes, it only provided an explanation as to WHY I am the the way I am.
The other thing I want to mention is that aspies do not actually lack emotion, they just have a hard time identifying them and knowing what to do with them and how to express them. Your husband may not be able to put into words how he feels about you (that is commonly very difficult for us aspies), but I will assume that he has shown you that he loves you, by his actions, in some form or other. Talk to him about what he wants, and tell him what you want. One thing we are bad at is knowing what the other person wants unless they tell us specifically! So be clear with him, tell him the things that you've assumed that he knows, because he may not! Read up on aspergers and see if you can improve your communication from your knowledge. It seems to me that communication will be your key, and your knowing about AS could really help that.

Hope that helps!

Dear Lexis,
I am sorry to say this but you are lucky to be alive and you need to get out of your relationship NOW. You are being abused. No all ASPIES do not abuse, tie up, and choke their partners. Absolutely not. Your partner is abuysing you and using you and does not care about your experience. He may "try" in small ways but what good is that when he treats you like an animal? NO HUMAN deserves the way he is treating you. EVERY human has value. That includes you. From your post I see that you are a caring and kind individual and do your best for your children. From that alone I know you are a good person. You DO NOT and SHOULD NOT put up with his abuse. In all seriousness, you may end up dead. Your partner is not just ASPIE, he sounds like a sociopath and you need to get out. If you do not have money or skills that is okay. There are shelters in the US for women going through this and they can help you. When your partner is not home or when you are away from home, call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-1-800-799-7233 and they can give you advice on what do and where to go. You cannot start helping yourself and recovering from your depression until you take a step to help yourself and escape from this abusive relationship. Aspergers is NO EXCUSE for abuse or violent behavior. Good luck!!

-- Sat Sep 21, 2013 10:09 pm --

If you are not able to make a phone call or worried he will see the number you have dialed, you can also walk into almost any church or synagogue in the United States (and probably anywhere in the world) and they will help you. Ask to speak with a pastor or church leader and tell them that you need help/

i have been dating an aspie for about 4yrs and he is great would do almost anything at thee drop of a hat for me considering i have a mild form of cerebral palsy. we have been amny places together. he is always expressing interest in being with me loves me to pieces and is as loyal as they come. My concern is with his temper over the last month he has snapped and cursed at me. once over not getting a sub whne every sub place in town was closed for labor day and the other one was for nearly breaking his phone when i fell. he felt very sorry after it happened and was almost in tears over the fact that he had snapped so harshly at me. i told himit is not excusable and the words he used hurt. can anyone give me any advice

acs211 wrote:i have been dating an aspie for about 4yrs and he is great would do almost anything at thee drop of a hat for me considering i have a mild form of cerebral palsy. we have been amny places together. he is always expressing interest in being with me loves me to pieces and is as loyal as they come. My concern is with his temper over the last month he has snapped and cursed at me. once over not getting a sub whne every sub place in town was closed for labor day and the other one was for nearly breaking his phone when i fell. he felt very sorry after it happened and was almost in tears over the fact that he had snapped so harshly at me. i told himit is not excusable and the words he used hurt. can anyone give me any advice

I think my advise for this would be the same as I'd give to anyone in this situation. If he doesn't normally have a temper, but just started having this happen, then something is stressing him. It wasn't the sandwich or the phone, those were just "last straws". He must be stressing about something and it's gotten him to the point where little things set him off. This happens to everyone, NT and AS alike.
Have him do some self-exploring, to try to get to what is really stressing him out. That's the part that can be a little more difficult for aspies, so he may even need your help to do it, but just keep asking him "why?"
For example:
You: "why did you get mad about something small, because I know it wasn't the sandwich?"
Him: "because it upset me"
You: "Well, a sandwich doesn't normally upset you, so why did it now?"
Him: "because I really wanted a sandwich for myself"
You: "Why? Have you been feeling like things haven't been going your way?"
Him: "Hmmmm, yeah I guess, I just wanted something for myself for a change"
You: "Why? what else hasn't gone your way?"

Etc, etc, each question starting with "Why?" and then some helpful direction from you if you can think of it..... This exercise has helped me figure things out, especially when my NT hubby asks the right questions (which as an NT he's much better at doing than I am!)

I met my husband in high school, we dated on and off for many years, partly because I couldn't understand a lot of his behaviour or where it was coming from: not being able to look at me when he talked, show emotion, love, an aloofness and a disconnect and gradually an obsession to studying and work. I knew he cared about me but couldn't understand how he chose to show it. We are now married with two teenage children. A few years ago I went into a depression and I needed his support and just to feel loved, held and told everything will be okay, what I got instead was a rebuff. I couldn't believe it after so many years of me supporting him, in a successful career, two children, doing practically everything that needed to be done in and around the house, he had been my third child. For the first time I felt I really needed emotional support and someone to be stronger than me. Instead he started to call me ungrateful, I had become angry and bitter and he told me I wasn't a woman, how could he treat me like one.
I still feel alone and in a state of depression but it has been a relief to find out that he has aspergers. I have sent him the research I have found on the internet and he recognizes the symptoms in himself. We have an appointment with a specialist and he has agreed to go. I was at the point where I could not take it anymore, I am hoping this will bring some relief.

While I haven't been in much of a relationship for some time I am myself an aspie, and from my personal experience and what I have witness within others, He will not seek out help willingly none of us really do.

Aspies in a way are "self righteous" I suppose. We don't seek out help due to us not wan't to come to terms with the fact we are different. From what I've seen even if we are in desperate need we will even turn down special help.

The fact of the matter though is If your husband needs help you must have patence If you need calmly sweet talk doing it. Heck from what I have seen, some Aspies have a very soft heart (easy to exploit ) Good luck