Married to an Aspie Support

"men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or “Bitchy” when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he feels, so should she. He has no motive to understand her interior world so her complaints are bothersome to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy because he knows that he has good intentions so he resents the pressure. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world. Domestic violence is a serious problem in homes where one partner has Asperger Syndrome."

I believe the pressures of family life, growing children who have opinions and emotional needs have had a major impact on him going downhill in recent years.

The above was very much a problem I found in my marriage.I was married for 20 years to my ex and every professional we saw for our two sons felt my ex has aspergers syndrome but he has refused to acknowledge and also refuses to acknowledge our two sons do:-( This has had a very bad effect on our the youngest son who often talks about wishing he could kill himself as he hates his asperegers:-( My ex has shown reports medical (to younger son) saying to our son 'this is the lies doctors are telling. about you son:-(' The oldest son is much more cool about his asperegers and has friends with aspergers and is happy in his own identity.Professionals have told my ex that his attitude is harming the youngest sons mental health but my ex refuses to listen saying they are trying to stigmatise the youngest son.I just want to help my son and I have appealed many times to my ex to please come on board with this but he just gets angry and emails me obsessive emails all of which are very hurtful and unpleasant. As the boys grew the worse things got when my ex saw they could not achieve the high academic levels he wished for them.He is a professional man and felt they to should achieve what he had.He cannot accept the oldest boy does not want to go onto higher education and is happy with the qualifications he has achieved.Professionals in the teaching world said for my son to go to the next level (advanced level) would be too stressing for him and I respect that and am very proud of our son for his achievements.I Just wish my ex could see our sons as the complete person and not what he wants them to be and what they can't be and would not be happy being.

The youngest son could not cope with mainstream school and has gone to an excellent specialist school for asperegers but my ex refused to accept he could not cope in mainstream and is doing every thing he can to persuade our son to say he wants to leave.He tells him the school is not fit for him and the other pupils are not fit to be with our son.Yet our son has friends there but is now convinced he must leave as his Father has told him it is a shame on the Family to be in a specialist school.H refuses to go to the school or attend any events.
It is very hard our son and the oldest son refuses to see his Father as he says he talks crap and he does not like what he is doing to his Brother.The youngest boy loves his Dad and still wants to see him but he gets so hurt and mixed up.It is so hard.

Wow Cassie. Reading that breaks my heart. I actually feel empathy for you! I can't imagine my ex doing that to my children. Does he realize how much damage he is potentially doing to them? It really makes me angry that they even call Asperger's a "disorder." Or act like there is something "wrong" with us. We are just on the lower end of the social bell curve that is all. The sooner your sons accept that they are different the sooner they will be able to function better in society and the better off mentally they will be. I was torturing myself in my head as a young person and I'm sure that they are having similar self-esteem issues. Their father is their mentor and the person they most trust and look up to in life so that is really disconcerting. Do the boys have a therapist? Maybe you can convince their father to go to a family session? If not, try sending him articles in his email. Just ideas, I don't know what to do exactly as I have never been in that situation.

They guy was a total douche going by your story Cassie and i truly can imagine your story since my partner was severely physically/mentally abused by her ex-husband as were her children.

He was just a violent drunk however.

I rather think however that it's the basic character of the person that can lead to abuse then Aspergers.

To my knowledge, and i've read a lot, there is no reliable source that shows abuse is overrepresented amongst Aspergers.

And, quite evidently, even less amongst undiagnosed Asperger for obvious reasons.

One can be a douche and have Aspergers. One can be a douche and just be a douche. Control issues are more character related. Insecure persons try to control, insecure Aspergers also.

The psychobabble given by Miz Marshak http://www.kmarshack.com/Asperger-Syndrome.html is offensively stupid.

This thread seemed the right place to post; like the OP I too would love some insight. I feel sort of like I'm swimming across a lake in the dark: I'm pretty sure I can get to the other side, but it's kind of scary.

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and it was yesterday that I began to suspect he has Asperger's. I've been reading articles online like crazy, and just about everything I read describes him to a T. This has caused a couple of reactions in me, one being relief, if that makes sense, because suddenly his behavior isn't a mystery anymore, and to be honest, it has increased in me a desire to be more supportive and patient. I know that sounds awful in that I should already be as supportive and patient as possible, as a spouse, and I think I was trying, but I would get so hurt and frustrated by his seeming lack of caring about me, and his almost complete inability to communicate his frustrations and hurts to me. I would mention having hurt feelings from something he'd done, and he'd get so hurt and defensive in response, because he loved me, and couldn't I see that he loved me? I'd say that of course I knew he did, but love had to be reflected in actions and not just words, and he'd just look at me like I was speaking in another language. Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent.

My second reaction was one of trepidation and yes, I admit it, fear. You see, we have a baby who's seven months old. I've already had concerns with how my husband is around our son. He loves him to pieces, this I know without a doubt, but he doesn't seem comfortable around him. He talks to him, but does so by just saying the same kind of thing to him. His "play" with our son seems slightly off, like someone is singing off-key. There is no spontaneity in his interactions; there are three or four things my husband will do to interact with our son, and that is it. When our baby is fussy, or bored, my husband will just continue to do what he is doing, instead of trying new things, or saying new things. And if our baby cries or is fussy when my husband particularly wants to spend time with him, then my husband's feelings get hurt, and he says things like "Son, I'm just trying to have fun with you" or "I'm just trying to give you love" as though our son is purposely rejecting him.

We had a long argument a couple of nights ago regarding how my husband is around our son. He was supposed to be watching him while I made dinner, but I went into the living room where they both were and our child had rolled across the room almost to the front door and was crying, and my husband was completely focused on his video game, and seriously didn't even hear him. My husband toward the end of that argument finally admitted to me that he doesn't know how to relate to our baby, doesn't know how to play with him, doesn't know how to tell when our son is bored or unhappy or frustrated or having fun, and that he (my husband) had been starting to tune him out a little because he simply was hurt that he didn't know any of these things. He said he was open to me showing him some of these things, and the three of us playing together so he could learn, and so far that has been working-- he seems open, and he has clearly been working on his interactions.

So much of what I've been reading about folks with Asperger's is so negative, such as their children grow up feeling unloved, and are resentful, that the kids can drive the parent with AS nuts and they just tune them out, that there are emotional issues that last lifetimes, etc. etc. I'm starting to really worry that my husband's relationship with his son is going to be harmed in some way. I'm okay about myself; I feel I know my husband very well, I'm getting more and more used to his behavior, and I'm understand more and more so that I am feeling hurt less and less. He really is the most loving and loyal person I've ever encountered, even though it often isn't reflected in the things he says...or doesn't say, the things he does, or doesn't do. What I'm concerned about is our son growing up loving his father, and not being emotionally damaged by what seems like a serious inability to relate or interact in a way that a child can understand and depend on. I'm not sure I'm articulating that very well.

This is starting to feel very long, and I apologize for that, I'll try to wrap it up. I guess what I'm hoping for here is some insight from parents who are either married to someone with AS, or have it themselves.

My other big question, and maybe this should be in a new post, but I'm not sure, is should I do anything about my suspicious that my husband has AS? He is extremely sensitive and defensive; he grew up being teased not just by other kids, but by his siblings as well. His parents suspected something was wrong, and had him in and out of therapy, and tested for autism (came back negative--my husband is clearly not autistic), and all of these things weigh on my husband, and have made him resentful, sensitive... and he is definitely the most defensive person I've ever met. I wonder if he would resent this idea of AS, and be hurt that I was reading about it, or suspected that he had it, or would he be interested in getting tested, and putting a name to his admitted frustrations regarding social situations and emotions. I would love for him to get some help regarding how to interact with our son. I'm not sure how successful I will be on my own.

I'm kind of scared and overwhelmed, and appreciate very much any response.

Sarah

Sers wrote:My other big question, and maybe this should be in a new post, but I'm not sure, is should I do anything about my suspicious that my husband has AS? He is extremely sensitive and defensive; he grew up being teased not just by other kids, but by his siblings as well. His parents suspected something was wrong, and had him in and out of therapy, and tested for autism (came back negative--my husband is clearly not autistic), and all of these things weigh on my husband, and have made him resentful, sensitive... and he is definitely the most defensive person I've ever met. I wonder if he would resent this idea of AS, and be hurt that I was reading about it, or suspected that he had it, or would he be interested in getting tested, and putting a name to his admitted frustrations regarding social situations and emotions. I would love for him to get some help regarding how to interact with our son. I'm not sure how successful I will be on my own.

I'm kind of scared and overwhelmed, and appreciate very much any response.

Sarah

Welcome Sers. I am no parent so leave that to the parents here.

As for your husband, this is the advice i gave to someone in your position:

http://www.psychforums.com/asperger-syndrome/topic69582.html#p554227

Thank you for that-- I like the advice there. And thanks for the welcome.

Anything we can do to prevent a marital drama unfolding.....

Hi Sers,

I feel like I have to jump in. I'm new to the forum. But I'm a dad of two boys - now 3 and 6 years old. And I have Asperger's. And I don't have everything all figured out. I mean, I've only understood that I have Asperger's very recently. So, I haven't had all that much time to rethink past experiences in terms of Asperger's versus other personality traits or factors. But, I feel like I can relate to at least some of what you're talking about.

I had a father who I don't consider to have Asperger's, per se, but who has some mild form of autism that some, I'm sure, would consider to be Asperger's just because of his high-functioning and the lack of another category or label to stick him under. So..let me start with that experience. First off, I did feel rather unloved. But, let me tell you, it wasn't because of my father's autism. I think it was because he was pushed out of parenting by my mother (not that she meant to do that), his own insecurities, and probably some cultural assumptions. And in my own parenting, I have to say that even though we're a generation later and supposedly a little more open-minded now as a culture, I still felt a lot of pressure to remove myself from parenting my sons. I had to fight those feelings from within and, to some extent, pressures from other people, in order to keep my determination to stay engaged with parenting my kids. It was probably in large part due to my own experience with my father that I was so sure that nothing was going to push me away from my kids, even if others didn't agree with my methods.

With all that said, I feel that there is more danger (generally speaking, for most situations) in taking the father out of the picture than there is in leaving him there but not exactly agreeing with everything he does. I know my sister (who also has been diagnosed with mild autism and ADHD, by the way) has struggled with some insecurity in the past from my father's being vacant even though he was physically there. But again, I have to stress that, at least in our family's case, the problems we had with our father were not so much due to his simply being autistic as they were due to his or my mother's lack of ability to get and keep my father engaged rather than pushed out. (I'm not trying to disrespect my parents. I'm just openly stating the factors that come into play.)

So, you're on the right path, so to speak, with trying to look for tips and help to keep your husband engaged. I'm sure that, whether he has Asperger's or other factors, your husband doesn't simply want to push himself away completely. I can't relate to playing video games, for one example, because those just aren't my thing. However, I can relate to the idea of struggling with finding ways to relate to your child, stay engaged, and most importantly to not listen too much to the crap that other people make you feel you have to do in order to be a parent and a dad. That almost sounds like I'm contradicting myself. But let me try to explain briefly.

While you probably have many good ideas, and can continue to show your husband how to relate to his son, I'll add that there will likely come times when your husband needs to try out his own methods, so to speak. And that's where he may feel insecurity and may feel he should just step back instead of trying something that he thinks would be frowned upon by you or by other family or by society. That's where you need to give him feedback. But, it's likely that even moreso, he could use encouragement or allowance to go ahead and venture out a little. Even if some behaviors toward his son might seem a little strange to the majority of people, that doesn't mean that he shouldn't do them. That's a general rule to keep in mind. If he can come to accept that about himself, it can help him to continue to relate to his son even if he has to do it in ways that, sometimes, don't parallel what he sees other parents doing. Finding ways that work is better than not having any ways to relate at all, right? In my own family, I don't

With all that said, it's not easy for a lot of fathers to relate to a 7-month-old. So, not every struggle is necessarily going to be related to your husband's having Asperger's or even any other diagnosis. Some more general issues such as simply having the body and physically aggressive (statistically, anyway) focuses of a man, or the overall attitude of your culture toward fatherhood, are issues for any man to have to deal with and "overcome" as we continue marching forward into the future. I mean, some traditions and perceptions die hard. Some people still think that men, generally, suck at being stay-at-home parents just because they tend to have a different style than the majority of women.

One of the biggest needs that men often have in overcoming some of the general stuff blended in with their own personality is the need to realize how much babies are NOT adults. So, if your husband has a geeky side even a little bit, it might help him to bury himself in some general information on human development and/or basic brain development. Kids grow - they're not born. That may sound simple. But when I, for example, feel I have been culturally taught to focus on my work in life, to make sure my family's finances are in order, or to at least contribute something "manly" to my family to help them feel secure (starting with my wife), then I am made to feel as if the adult world is the only one that matters. There's a good chance that it's a big switch for your husband to go from being "a man" to thinking about a little tiny baby that doesn't even "experience" the world yet, in the adult sense. That baby, in a large sense, just needs to be taken care of while he is able to follow the natural path of his own growth inside. He's not much of a "person" yet, in the adult sense that we, particularly as men, are made to focus on so steadfastly in our "manly" little worlds with our "manly" work and "manly" pressures.

I feel I've rambled enough for now. So, I'll leave you with that. I just felt like I could relate, at least a little.

Take care,
Dave

-- Mon Aug 01, 2011 9:53 am --

Sorry about the hanging sentence there: "In my own family, I don't ". I just now saw that.

But I don't think I was going to add anything there. I just should have deleted it, and didn't see that I left it hanging.

Dave, thank you very much for your input. I'm seeing a bit now how I tend to "rush in" when my husband is playing with our son sometimes when our son gets fussy because I'm trying to avoid a situation where my husband gets his feelings hurt. Perhaps I need to back off a bit and let my husband work some things out on his own, if he wants to. The fact of the matter is my husband loves our child, and wants to be involved, and that strikes me as the most important thing.

-- Mon Aug 01, 2011 6:56 pm --

petrossa wrote:Anything we can do to prevent a marital drama unfolding.....

petrossa, this made me chuckle. Thanks.

Sers,

FYI, I talked over your situation with my wife. And I think she has to mull it over. But, if she has any input later, I'll be sure to share it. She has struggled with me sometimes in the past, over my parenting style for one thing. Of course, she has her own experiences and personality rather than yours. But, I think from her perspective I have appeared similarly to your husband in some respects. It's been a learning experience for both of us...being together and having children. In my case, I can be rather harsh with my kids. But I'm here, and I'm not abusive, and I love them. I'm just blunt...both intellectually and sometimes physically in the way that I communicate/teach/play.

I just hope that your husband (not that I doubt that he does) has the determination to be a father. And I wish you the best in figuring out how to open your husband up to even talking about Asperger's (or at least the traits of Asperger's) if he has a lot of insecurities toward talking about anything that sounds like autism. Insecurity can be a big driver for those living with autism and Asperger's. Some of it comes from the misnomer of it being automatically a "disorder" and some of it just comes from the years of having to deal with people who are/were not open-minded enough to try to see that's it's ok to have a different way of doing things.

If you have any specific questions, I'm interested in them. But if you have a hard time connecting to me, I understand that too. Either way, I really do wish you well, even if I'm not good at communicating that part.

Take care,
Dave