Married to an Aspie Support

Thank you guys!!! You are awesome

I’m working on this. Slowly but shortly

Lonelyflower

Dear Seebreezeblue:

Receive my hugs right back at you!

To be honest, I was very surprised when I realized an Aspie answered my post. However, I really appreciate your response and support. I really enjoyed reading your message. It was very interesting to learn that not All Aspies are exactly the same

It was another surprise to learn that there are Aspies that can have EMPATHY.
I thought All Aspies were like my husband. He is COLD when someone else is going through a difficult time.

You also said you need as much human connection as I need. Another surprise.

During the first date I had with my husband, about 4 years ago, we went to a restaurant that had TV screens all over the place. While we were waiting for our order, instead of talking to me, I noticed he was only focusing on the TV. No eye-contact. No conversation. His behavior seemed very weird to me, but I thought he was shy, so I tried to start and keep going a conversation. It still was difficult for him to focus on me and not on the TV.

He is very quiet in social settings where he does not know the crowd, or the topics the crowd is talking about. However, when there is a topic of his interest, he wouldn't stop talking.

He has never been a caring person. At the beginning , I thought he was only a quiet and shy man. In my 2 previous relationships, my partners were angry, loud
and physically aggressive. I was traumatized. So when I met my husband, thinking he was only shy and quiet, I thought I was in paradise!

My husband really doesn't pick my food when we go out to eat. What he picks is the restaurant. Usually, those restaurants do not have on their menus the type of meals I like. Therefore, I'm cornered with the only option of ordering something I dislike.

Yes! You are right! My husband can't stand sudden changes or surprises related to already set plans. Following always the SAME rules and plans works excellent for him. Unfortunately, life can't work that way all the time. Sometimes emergencies show up and will change any fixed plans and rules. And then...what do you do??? Getting upset because of a change of plans is not wise. Unexpected changes are part of any human being's life. You can't avoid that. Getting upset, due to the change of plans is ridiculous, immature and selfish.

I don't talk to my husband about clothes, shoes or any related topic. I know he wouldn't be interested. I talk about those themes with my girlfriends. What I have tried to talk to him about, that he hates to listen, is about things that make me sad, or about stressful situations at work. These are topics that you talk about because as any human being, sometimes you need to vent and you need the support of those who care about you. Your spouse suppose to be your best friend and a good listener, but if your best friend can't listen to you during your difficult times, what kind of relationship/marriage is this????

My husband does not have empathy at all! He simply does not feel it or show it. It's a word that is not in his dictionary.

During our short honeymoon, I had a minor, but very painful accident. I did cut one of my toes when I was opening a metal/glass door. I screamed due to the terrible pain! I was bleeding badly! He didn't say a word! He didn't say or do anything to calm me down. He couldn't even say the very common phrase: "Are you OK?" He just acted like nothing happened.

This is the life I have been living with my husband for 4 years. He was married 3 times in the past. I was wondering what really happened with those relationships?

Seebreezeblue, you really made me think. Not sure now if I want to live in the middle of this MISERABLE LIFE for the rest of my life. He doesn’t accept he has a problem, or the fact that he needs help. I’m 55 years old, with the heart and spirit of a 30 year old. I’m a happy person, funny, smart, professional, generous, friendly, enthusiastic and positive. I enjoy helping and caring for others! I love God and people. I think I deserve to be happy, even if I reach that happiness living by myself. That’s better that living in the jail quarters I’m living now.

May God give me the wisdom and strength to GET OUT of this miserable mess.

Lonelyflower

I have seen mixed things for empathy and it appears your husband is at the far end of it. For me, I don't deal well with situational empathy but I would at least ask if you are OK and take you to get help, if needed. I do this because I know it's the right thing to do. However, you won't see any emotion or hurriedness out of me. I don't actually feel anything.

So, the difference between your husband and I is that I learned and made necessary changes where he chooses not to or is incapable. I'd assume he does the same for other areas of life. It seems like you have been with him long enough to know the difference. I agree with shock that it's never too late. You only have one life to live, why suffer if you don't have to.

in my experience on this forum, women with aspie partners fall into two groups: those that love their partner and want to understand them better ... and those that don't. candidly, i think you fall into the latter group. unless you're willing to actually re-assess what attracted you to your current partner and re-consider your own attitude to this relationship, then yes, you should absolutely seek to end it. but you do have that choice. you seem unaware of this.

i will say this: don't be fooled by appearances. still waters can run very deep.

Hi Shock_The_Monkey,

Thank for your 2 comments! I used to love my
husband very very much. I cared about him like crazy.
Now, I don’t know.

I feel he killed my deep love
towards me due to his his cold attitude. It is
difficult to give and give and never receive
emotional love. It’s too painful! He used to show
what he calls love paying some of my debts.
Now he washes clothes and do dishes. And this is
a great deal of progress, before he used to do nothing
NADA.!

I appreciate very much his help now, but I need also
real love, attention, intimacy, conversation. Sadly,
get none of this.
of this

-- Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:45 pm --

*Towards him due to....

-- Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:48 pm --

*Towards him due to....

Hi iabsurdlyexist,

Based on your comments, I have to assume your are an Aspie too. I congratulate you
because you accept your condition and have made necessary changes to be better
to others.

Now I have a question for you. What made you accept that you have the disorder???
I’m still puzzled about the fact that there are so many Aspies that accept they have
a problem and try to find help. My husband is in 150% denial.
How can I help him to see his reality?

Lonelyflower

lonelyflower wrote:Now I have a question for you. What made you accept that you have the disorder???

This isn't limited to Autism, many people with disorders don't feel they need help and some actually don't due to their situation. I mean, I like the way I am but I make the extra effort for my family. Even then, I can only do so much and people want more from me. Some people aren't willing to do much, if anything. So, instead of changing the person, you can change yourself, accept the situation or exit the relationship. If he wants and can change, he will.

I also show effort/love in actions, not in words. I am not quite sure what you are expecting him to do. After my last breakdown, I shed my mask and now, am just a shell of a person. Most things I do take a conscious effort where before, certain things were automatic. Maybe it's age. I don't know how to get it back and I know my wife struggles with it. I mean, I was never big on traditional romance in the first place and now, my situation seems similar to yours. This isn't the first I have heard of Aspies losing their steam.

just to be clear, i'm an aspie too. a paradox of this forum is that you get to see more of the inner world of aspies than you would in real life.

the thing with aspies is that they do have feelings, however, they don't know how to show them. my suspicion is that your husband is more HFA (high functioning autistic) than aspie. the thing that, to me, differentiates the two is that aspies crave social contact, whilst HFAs don't.

but this is about you, not him. this is about what you want, what you can cope with. so, you may think he has a problem, whereas he may in fact be perfectly happy with his life.

my stock advice to people such as yourself is to diversify your social contact. however, what struck me about your original post was how you said that you thought you'd made a "BIG mistake" getting married. it doesn't sound, to me, like you've much doubt in your mind. so, whilst you can certainly try to make the best of your current circumstances, i do wonder if you'll ever truly be happy in them.

now, a bit of cold hard truth here: sometimes happiness can elude us no matter what we do. and sometimes chasing after it can only lead us deeper into misery and despair. so, just be a little bit careful that you don't in fact find yourself worse off. half a cake is better than none.

Hi Shock:

What I would like to know is how an aspie who is in 110% denial, get to realize:"Oh, I do have a problem and I need help. I need to get help to see improvement in my marriage" VS. "There is nothing wrong with me. I'm completely normal. You are the one who is wrong".

My husband always say "I love You" like an old scratched record, or a robot from a science-fiction movie. In real life, he has NO CLUE WHAT LOVE IS. If you avoid interactions with your spouse because you prefer to read books, play video games and watch YouTube videos All Day Long, what does it says about your understanding of what love is???

Another question: Socially speaking why is there so much compassion for an aspie and very little for minimum an aspie spouse. We suffer like crazy. We give and give, and give love, attention, time, compassion, understanding and we are just there, ignored, like we don't have feelings an emotions?

Is there anybody here who is a spouse of an aspie, who is suffering like I do, or have been successful in her relationship???? I would love to hear how do you deal with this.

Shock, you mentioned that aspies crave social contact. However, I have read posts of other spouses of aspies, who are going through the same issues I'm going through with my husband. One of the most important issues is lack of emotional connection. This piece is basic in a relationship. There can't be a healthy relationship without that. The fact that a human being is obsessed with having interactions with objects all day, not with people, does not show too much social contact craving. My husband is not the only aspie that I read or hear about that loves to do that.

lonelyflower wrote:What I would like to know is how an aspie who is in 110% denial, get to realize:"Oh, I do have a problem and I need help. I need to get help to see improvement in my marriage" VS. "There is nothing wrong with me. I'm completely normal. You are the one who is wrong".

You may have missed some of the points. You have expectations that he is isn't filling. How is that his fault? Did he promise to love you like you expect? It's not a problem of his, only your expectation of what he should be doing. He is just living life how he sees fit and may have thought that you'd both be better off by sharing resources.

lonelyflower wrote:Another question: Socially speaking why is there so much compassion for an aspie and very little for minimum an aspie spouse. We suffer like crazy. We give and give, and give love, attention, time, compassion, understanding and we are just there, ignored, like we don't have feelings an emotions?

What compassion are you expecting? You got into a relationship expecting things that you aren't getting. He seems like a poor fit. I don't have any more compassion for him. Not sure exactly why he put himself into this situation other than the before mentioned resource benefit.

lonelyflower wrote:Is there anybody here who is a spouse of an aspie, who is suffering like I do, or have been successful in her relationship???? I would love to hear how do you deal with this.

My wife deals with this because she has history of me masking. If I had been like this since the beginning, I can't imagine she'd be doing well with it. If you have another year and I don't get better, I could let you know.

lonelyflower wrote:Shock, you mentioned that aspies crave social contact. However, I have read posts of other spouses of aspies, who are going through the same issues I'm going through with my husband. One of the most important issues is lack of emotional connection. This piece is basic in a relationship. There can't be a healthy relationship without that. The fact that a human being is obsessed with having interactions with objects all day, not with people, does not show too much social contact craving. My husband is not the only aspie that I read or hear about that loves to do that.

From my perspective, I don't crave contact for emotions but for mental stimulation. She calls what we have love but I call it compatibility. It's possible the only difference for my relationship is that I am there if she needs me. Again, it's showing "love" with actions.