Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

I realize this is an old post, but I am sure glad I found it. So much of this describes my former fiance. I'm not a stranger to personality disorders but I had not heard of this until I started googling for some sanity and insight. I have my own junk too but continue to work on that; but it helps me to read some things here and get a glimpse into her behaviors.

well I tell my boyfriend just lock me up in a cage in his room

I'm also glad I came across this. Ironically enough, exactly a year ago today I started dating someone who I grew to love very much. We had some problems very much like what I've read here, but I had no idea what HPD was or that it even existed during our relationship. In August of this past year she got pregnant. And it was after she moved into my house with my children and I that I really started to notice the HPD behavior. In December, right before Christmas, at 3 months pregnant, she started up a new relationship with a guy she met through her work. She was going to try to hide it from me, but I could tell something was off and I found out about it. When I found out, I had her move out and she moved back in with her mother. But it was the way she treated me post break-up that really hurt me to my core. She was so cold about everything, as if there was no emotional attachment to me at all, ever.

This past month I started seeing a therapist to help me deal with the situation, which is something I've never done before. I was hurting and angry and confused like I've never been before. I was struggling with the idea that someone could be looking forward to having a family with me on one day and then be "in love" and happily waiting to play family with another man the next day. I had talked my ex into coming to see the therapist with me, in the interest of helping us get past our issues so we can co-parent our future child. It was after that session that my therapist talked to me about HPD.

That revelation was strangely freeing for me. It was killing me not understanding how someone could do the things she was doing. Knowing there was a name for this madness helped me to move on by accepting that no relationship with her will ever work. She's not capable of feeling things the way I feel them. My only focus now is on how to deal with her PD as it relates to my future son and his well-being.

It's nice to know I'm not the only person that has dealt with this sort of thing.

The OP makes good points in his list. I wonder to what extent the same criteria would apply to a pwHPD in a relationship with another "disordered" individual. Speaking from my knowledge of NPD, I can imagine an NPD/HPD relationship could work better in some ways than that between a pwHPD and a Non, though it would also be highly volatile I suspect. The pwNPD, though he wouldn't realize it, would find that his feelings for the pwHPD were conditioned on whether or not she was being the perfect mirror, which she would be until she snagged him and then lost interest. However, her loss of interest in him would also cause him to lose interest in her, as she would go from being a good mirror to a bad mirror. This would seemingly trigger the pwHPD into realizing she no longer "had" the pwNPD and begin to pursue him anew, with renewed interest, making her into the good mirror again. The pwNPD suddenly likes his reflection again and the good feelings for her return. This would seemingly create an endless cycle, but I wonder if some sort of "stasis" could be reached. Almost like a mathematical formula.

SaintJimmy wrote: But it was the way she treated me post break-up that really hurt me to my core. She was so cold about everything, as if there was no emotional attachment to me at all, ever.

I can very much relate to the above statement as well as the OP.

The change - the coldness, and in the case with my ex, her rage (during the relationship at certain points and post break-up) was unbelievable to go through. It's strange that someone you have had great times with ends up being so different later.

I would be interested to learn from others about HPD individuals and any raging episodes you have experienced.

-My ex would rage saying to me that I love to hurt her and then she would go off further, this after I was saying some trivial joke (non-personal) - pre-break-up those rage episodes happened at least 3 times. It was like the punishment doesn't fit the crime, not in the slightest bit. Her major rage episode post break-up was because I had initiated the break-up, and in her words I had controlled the break-up conversation even though we agreed to mutually break up in a very non-dramatic conversation. I was in the devalued stage at the time – she was cheating. She wanted to end our relationship only a couple weeks before but when I said that I was fine with it, she changed her mind about the break-up soon after. With more drama afterwards in the days ahead, I had to initiate the break-up because the relationship was no longer healthy as I knew she was cheating. I never got angry at her as I was having a hard time with the relationship changing as suddenly as it did.

-I’m glad that I am out of the relationship. It was the oddest relationship with plenty of red flags, and I am surprised to this day that I fell for her. But I know that her words of love and her statement of wanting me to be her partner for life got me thinking of the future much like her having confidence in me to be the one. She was fun, cute, sexy, and great to be with but I overlooked the troubling aspects of her past relationships (which at the time did not seem to be her fault), the attention seeking, the cracks in her persona over time, etc. She had said on a couple of occasions out of the blue, “I haven’t lied to you” but of course later she did. She said that she doesn't cheat even though she had said this in the midst of her cheating period. And of course, the raging that showed her inner self was truly shocking. I wish that I never got to see her inner self but unfortunately I fell for her, and once that I did the unraveling of her outer persona sped up. And I do believe that after our break-up when she showed her true self, she knew very well there was no going back to me in the future.

Richard11 wrote:

SaintJimmy wrote: But it was the way she treated me post break-up that really hurt me to my core. She was so cold about everything, as if there was no emotional attachment to me at all, ever.

I can very much relate to the above statement as well as the OP.

The change - the coldness, and in the case with my ex, her rage (during the relationship at certain points and post break-up) was unbelievable to go through. It's strange that someone you have had great times with ends up being so different later.

I would be interested to learn from others about HPD individuals and any raging episodes you have experienced.

-My ex would rage saying to me that I love to hurt her and then she would go off further, this after I was saying some trivial joke (non-personal) - pre-break-up those rage episodes happened at least 3 times. It was like the punishment doesn't fit the crime, not in the slightest bit. Her major rage episode post break-up was because I had initiated the break-up, and in her words I had controlled the break-up conversation even though we agreed to mutually break up in a very non-dramatic conversation. I was in the devalued stage at the time – she was cheating. She wanted to end our relationship only a couple weeks before but when I said that I was fine with it, she changed her mind about the break-up soon after. With more drama afterwards in the days ahead, I had to initiate the break-up because the relationship was no longer healthy as I knew she was cheating. I never got angry at her as I was having a hard time with the relationship changing as suddenly as it did.

-I’m glad that I am out of the relationship. It was the oddest relationship with plenty of red flags, and I am surprised to this day that I fell for her. But I know that her words of love and her statement of wanting me to be her partner for life got me thinking of the future much like her having confidence in me to be the one. She was fun, cute, sexy, and great to be with but I overlooked the troubling aspects of her past relationships (which at the time did not seem to be her fault), the attention seeking, the cracks in her persona over time, etc. She had said on a couple of occasions out of the blue, “I haven’t lied to you” but of course later she did. She said that she doesn't cheat even though she had said this in the midst of her cheating period. And of course, the raging that showed her inner self was truly shocking. I wish that I never got to see her inner self but unfortunately I fell for her, and once that I did the unraveling of her outer persona sped up. And I do believe that after our break-up when she showed her true self, she knew very well there was no going back to me in the future.

I see you didn't take my advice.

Hello Richard
With respect to episodes of rage, it could be a long term feature of a cross with BPD, or of an HPD subtype (Tempestuous?), or maybe just less permanent behavior, out of something more situational.

The main purpose of this forum is to support pwHPD. For harmony here, please create a new thread in SOF&F (under General Topics) regarding HPD, rage, and relationships...

Thanx,
Moderator Orion

Richard11 wrote:The change - the coldness, and in the case with my ex, her rage (during the relationship at certain points and post break-up) was unbelievable to go through. It's strange that someone you have had great times with ends up being so different later.

I would be interested to learn from others about HPD individuals and any raging episodes you have experienced.

I wouldn't call what my ex did raging by any means. It was more avoidance than anything else. Like we had just spent a year together talking every day, and suddenly she just ceased all desire to communicate. She would try to tell me it was guilt, or that she felt like a terrible person for cheating on me. But the way she would say it didn't make sense, because she would say it with an almost annoyed tone. And she would contradict herself.

There was one conversation we had that was particularly telling of her condition. She had finally called me back after I had been trying to reach her, and at this point we had been separated for about a week, maybe 2. And remember, she's a little over 3 months pregnant at this point, had just been kicked out of my house for cheating, and she's still seeing the other guy. She tells me all her friends and family have taken "my side" (meaning me) and have told her she should be apologizing and begging me to take her back. And she's telling me all this at a frantic pace, and she hangs up the phone right after she breaks into tears and scream "NOBODY CARES WHAT I WANT!!"

Of course my thought at the time was that nobody understands what she wants because what she wants is wrong on so many different levels. You don't go from a committed relationship where you're expecting a baby into a new relationship with some guy you didn't even know was interested a couple weeks before. And if there's a problem in that relationship, you certainly don't just abandon it without so much as talking about any problems you're having.

It made no sense to me at the time. But knowing about HPD now, I get it.

Guys, this is an old thread that has been resurrected. We now have a forum specifically for the significant others of people who have disorders of any kind. The HPD forum is specifically intended for the support of those who have HPD. I am moving this thread to the Significant Others forum to prevent people from feeling triggered.