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Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

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Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby xdude » Sun May 08, 2011 4:05 am

1.) Because she can't really love us back.

2.) Because when she is safe, loved, her heart and mind soon wander to others.

3.) Because she needs far more than she can give.

4.) Because love for he is about being desired by many others.

5.) Because she'll show more compassion to an acquaintance than she will her "lover"

6.) Because even if you love her, and she loves you, she'll remind you in a thousand subtle ways, she needs endless others to validate her.

7.) Because no matter how well you treat her, there will always be someone else who catches her eye, and with that, her emotions.

8.) Because she'll back acquaintances who are nothing and nobodies, over backing the one who loves her.

9.) Because no matter how many tests you take, eventually you just can't win.

10.) Because she wants your love, but will toss it aside if backed into a corner where she must choose you over the feelings of a nobody, a potential new source of affirmation.

and the list goes on...
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby LightZero » Sun May 08, 2011 5:33 am

I pretty much agree. Although I think you can still care and love them as human beings, but it wouldn't be wise to be in love with them (unless they truly get treated). If you do continue to care about them it's best to do it from a very safe distance. At least that what's my head believes. My heart is slowly getting to that point. Right now I'm still getting over my own emotion attachments to my ex gf. It does help to remind myself that she could sell me out at any given time to save her own ass.
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby xdude » Sun May 08, 2011 10:37 am

Yes, you're right, one can love them from a distance, but as you wrote, it would have been correct to title the thread, "Why we can't be in love ..."

I found twisted's post in another thread thought provoking, where he describes that though the person with HPD may act like they love (and maybe even does for a time), that long term she (or in some cases he) will drain us. They aren't in it as equals. Eventually we'll be drained. Eventually there will be someone else. Even when they are with us, they are keeping open the possibility of new sources of emotional supply.

I'm still having trouble really believing it but looked at in that light, so much of her behavior makes sense.
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby okherewego212 » Sun May 08, 2011 1:33 pm

We should leave anyone who has one of the following, many HPDs have many of them if not all...

1] They lie, they cheat.. mentally hurtful.
2] They fake emotions, they really do not love you. They are with you so that you love them.
3] They are risky to your mental health, you risk "other" health issues as well.
4] They will leave you when you are sick, down or busy with some struggle in your life. they are there for you when they can have fun with you.
5] Even their charms are fake.. your whole life revolves around lies. Their whole persona is not real. Its just an act.

Do you want to live a life or play on an act?

That is why , not to love them, but love yourself first, by taking care of your own health. No one likes cancer, that's why they get it treated and cut out of thier life.....
Last edited by okherewego212 on Sun May 08, 2011 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby Cpt » Sun May 08, 2011 4:30 pm

Loving them is actually self hate.
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby cacster » Mon May 09, 2011 10:46 am

Captain...

You hit the nail on the head there.

I think it maybe useful if you were to expand...
With a smile I'm dying inside but I know I'll be just fine
I saw love not lies but I could be mistaken
Now you've gone and I dry my eyes and I'm here for the taking tonight
Feel the need for somebody tonight, I could love you forever tonight

Paul Mac - Just The Thing
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby mr.johnnymac » Mon May 09, 2011 10:52 am

Because the person whom we thought they were never existed in the first place. All we loved-fell in love with-were illusions.

Also, X-dude, a lot of the reasons you posted initially I felt could have also been reasons: Why Can't HPD's Love Nons.
"Passive Aggressive MasterpieceS"
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby xdude » Mon May 09, 2011 12:18 pm

mr.johnnymac wrote:Also, X-dude, a lot of the reasons you posted initially I felt could have also been reasons: Why Can't HPD's Love Nons.


Interesting perspective mr.johnnymac... maybe in their mind that's how they perceive nons?
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby treetop » Mon May 09, 2011 3:51 pm

xdude, that's a great list. it pretty much sums up everything.

on cpt's take - loving them is actually self-hate, I'd have to agree. I think the reasons this is so is because a person who truly values themsevles and their time is not going to put up with being trampled on (cheated on, lied to, played for a fool). while healthy people may get sucked into these relationships initially because of the HPD's very convincing 'facade', they will not stick around for the use and abuse that follows during the devaluation period.

if a non sticks around while being devalued, it basically says 'the HPD's needs/dramas/attention seeking are more important than my needs.' it's normal, and healthy, to require basic honesty and reciprocation in a relationship. the HPD can gaslight and blameshift with the non all they want, but the bottom line is the HPD will never understand a relationship's basic requirements - honesty and reciprocation. nons instinctively know this, that they are not being treated with honesty and fairness once the devaluation period begins. but subconciously they don't value their own observations/needs enough to stand up and enforce the boundaries that the HPD has trampled on.

my theory at least.
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Re: Why we can't love someone with HPD (for NONs only)

Postby xdude » Mon May 09, 2011 5:06 pm

I think perhaps more than any others, some of Alice's and Twisted's posts have been the most revealing in terms of what is going on in the hearts and minds of someone who suffers from HPD.

I think my HPD GF (yes fail at breaking up) revealed a few things to me as well, though very indirectly, that have slowly opened my eyes a bit more, though I am still squinting ;)

In Alice's posts, two ideas really stood out - the need to be loved by ALL to feel valued, and the ability (in her past) to utterly block out any sense of guilt over using others if there was something she wanted from them, while pretending to be emotionally interested.

In Twisted posts, just many insights into the torment someone who is struggling with HPD goes through trying to 'act' as NONs act, but often without really feeling it.

And a big problem for us who get involved is that we're wired to respond to behavioral queues; it's hard for us to really believe (even if we know it in our heads and our intuitive alarm bells are ringing) that there is a big disconnect between the act we see, and the emotional state of the person doing the acting.

I do think those with HPD 'want' to be loved, so it's not all just an act, but having looked over my list again, there was a repeating theme (so really I was being redundant and the list could have been shorter). The repeating theme is the person who suffers from HPD can't emotionally be committed to any one person for long. Which for many NONs is the opposite of what we need.

NONs have some friends, some family, some acquaintances, and these people play various roles in our lives, but it's not (or rarely) anything sexual/romantic. We have certain feelings for these people, but a sexual/romantic relationship is something very special/different by comparison. We value it, feel it deeply, emotionally, we treat that other person as something special, not easily replaced, feelings that we might have for others if we were single are reserved primarily for our lover.

But it appears that's something the person with HPD can't really reciprocate for long. They may enjoy the emotional attention from someone wanting them in that way, but for multiple inter-twined reasons, they can't really give back the same feelings. They can act like they do because they learn what works, but fundamentally they're heart isn't in the same place that a NONs is when they are in a relationship. I guess some combination of running due to being easily hurt; having little patience for delayed gratification that invariably comes from being involved with 1 person who just can't be there 100% of the time; the fundamental need to be re-affirmed by many others eating at them and in a way, perhaps, made worse by their focus on 1 person which can lead to situations where they must choose the 1 over the many others who could provide validation too; and more.

I guess many of us hang on because we keep hoping it will be different with us, when the HPD is involved with us, it is good - very good! I keep hoping, even though intellectually I know I'm kidding myself.
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