Help with Ex-Wife with BPD

Moved from BPD forum to the SOFF forum Replies can come from both places.-Cheze2
Thanks ahead of time for any replies!

I was married to a BPD woman for 12 years. I new she had issues, but didn't know it had a name. She had an affair, I was split black, the new guy split white and I was gone. I went to counseling and heard of BPD.

The divorce was final 6 months ago and she still targets her hostilities my way. I'm trying to not be her target of rage. We have 2 young kids and I just want to move on with my life. Every time I get on my feet and start to feel better, she comes with an attack. This latest is with her divorce lawyer and now it looks like it may get expensive. How do I not be a target anymore?

I go "NC" the best I can. Use Our Family Wizard to discuss Child related items only. I don't discuss anything but the children.

Things will be great for a few weeks and then rage my way. She still sees the guy she had the affair with so I thought he would be going black soon and be the target, but no luck.

Thanks for any help.

To the BPDs, I do empathize with you, and hope only the best for you.

Dear Mick,

I think you are doing a great job aready by not feeding into the conflict and trying to create as much distance as you can between the two of you, especially as arguments would be likely to backfire on your kids. Unfortunately now it is up to you to hold things together, hopefully your ex-wife will be able to start seeing things in a more balanced way....

Sorry, no magical solution for it and not even a helpful suggestion, but just wanted to share a few supportive words

It seems like you're doing all you can.

I guess i would suggest.......not arguing with her, when you don't have to. If she comes at you with insults and tries to dredge up the past........try and remember she's disordered and there's not really a point arguing with her. Especially in that state.

Try and think of her as a child.......her words aren't backed by reality. Dismiss them wherever you can. (don't let her know she's a child! lol......be a zen master around her)

(it's hard to continue to hate someone, who isn't fighting you)

Thanks for the replies.

I'm trying to be very supportive to her and not argue at all. I just feel that even though she had the affair, asked for the divorce, and is in a relationship with the new guy, she doesn't want me to move on. I try to go no contact, but she feels the need that we have to discuss more than we have to. She said she was happy that I'm now starting to date, but the contact has also increased on her part.

I'm just moving forward and being very nice, but at times she really takes advantage of me because of a screw up in the divorce decree in her favor. She could come after me and get $10K easy. If I had $10K to spare I would pay it and be done with it, but the majority of people don't have that kind of money laying around. I think she likes to have that control over me. I hope, I'm wrong, but it really seems that way.

Anyway, thanks for the rant.

Hope you have a great day!

Don't worry I'm sure she will completely stop caring about you at some point. Than hopefully the rage will stop.

Dear: "Help".
Here is my advise to you. In my case I was married for 23 years, divorced (4 years now), filed by my exwife (an undiagnosed BPD/Splitter) in a sneak attack, the attorney's called it a "contentious" divorce. I have two children, boys, who are now 23 and 21 years old. I have the benefit of 4 years to reflect on all of this. Here is the brighter side of the hurricane you may be experiencing.
1) My best therapy was to work very very hard, every day, at "creating normal". This is the antidote to having your world become Alice in Wonderland. For instance, take the time to cook a baked chicken dinner on Sunday afternoon, attend your children's sporting events, invite over old friends or relatives or parents (who may have been split out of your life by your ex). DO all of life's little things that NORMAL people do. Also in this process of "creating normal" a magical, almost Pied Piper miracle will happen. You will draw your children to you like a magnet, slowly but surely. And guess what, you will be able to forge a new, improved relationship with the kids......that is yours and yours alone!
2) Don't poke the rattle snake. Give it a wide berth. You are divorced. Your interaction with your ex can be kept to a very bare minimum. You now have some emotional rights that have been given back to you by your ex. Take advantage of this. WHO CARES what she thinks. WHO CARES what she does. WHO CARES if you do not interact with her. WHO CARES if she doesn't care that you are dating. You are not married to her anymore. Seriously, though, your emotional and spiritual growth (and happiness) depends very much on your fitful starts at moving on! Look on it as another of life's adventures.
3) Show compassion. From reading your post, I can see that you get high marks in this area. Believe me, this one took me a long time. But, somehow, from down inside of you, you can find the strength to wish her the very best, to hope that she finds the peace she is looking for.
4) Start your new life. Are you feeling more comfortable "being alone" with yourself? If so, do you like WHO you are? You should! I would bet my life savings (what is left!) that you are about as normal as they come. Believe this. The propaganda, legal manipulating, and emotional "BS" will fade fast. Take this time to reflect on your choice of soul mates. Be curious and courageous (but more wise) in your choices. If you wish to move on with another, choose a better fit. It will make all the difference in your life. And you have a long life ahead of you!

I'm sure she's far more miserable than you've ever been. If you need to take solace in revenge, you already have it. She's losing the game of life.

Move on, find yourself, then find someone who's more stable than her. Don't give her even the slightest glimmer of hope because she will move on sooner if you completely cut her out. If you really want to twist the knife, you could really pry at her emotional instablity and you might get the ultimate revenge, she could kill herself. 10% of BPD people do, so you have a 1 in 10 chance. If you play your cards right, I'm sure it could be better than that.

I'd recommend, if you really want it over, know in your heart she's one of the most miserable people on earth, be happy you're not. Know none of her BS was your fault and move on. She's not getting better. That can't be your problem. Just make the cleanest, most humane cut you can. You owe it to yourself first, your kids second and I know it's hard to believe, but you might feel good about doing a good deed for her too, even though all of her good was burried so deep, you didn't get to see nearly enough of it.

Hopefully she finds a place like this and good treatment so she can stop being such a destructive person and start being herself.

All,

Thanks for the great replies.

I don't poke that rattlesnake!!! I stick up for myself now, but I do it in the nicest way possible.

I do see that contact is going away. I don't reply to anything unless it's about my girls.

I'm dating an extremely nice lady from my past. We had dated for a year and a half when we were 25/26 years old. We only split because I moved for a great career opportunity and she couldn't leave as she had a young daughter and couldn't leave. We never fought one time and we loved every minute we spent together. I always regretted leaving her. We found each other on Facebook. She just broke up with the guy she started dating right after me (Lasted 14 years). We both helped each other out over our lost relationships and we grew again from there. All is great and we both treat each other so very well. Life is so much better not being yelled at on a daily basis.

I do see that my ex is starting to turn my daughters black, as they are starting to tell me that their mom yells at them a lot for minor issues. The ex seems to have higher priorities for the boyfriend over the girls. She said she will never marry this guy, but she will give up the girls to me in order to spend more time alone with the boyfriend. It makes me mad that she treats my girls that way as they love their mother so much. I really do hope she figures out that something isn't right and seeks help, but I have my doubts. Divorced 3 times by the age of 40, two suicide attempts, mental hospital stay, history of infidelity, and enough lost friends in her life it would be way too hard to count.

Again thanks for all the advice. I listen to it and use it. I can say things are getting much better. I hope the less we talk, the better we will both be. I do hope she finds her happiness, as I wish no ill will to anyone.

Thanks again!

Mick11

Hey,Mick11......It is skysailor wondering how you are doing?....almost 3 years later.
I got remarried to a great gal, hope you have found happiness in your own way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nEeTprHxmw
Relationship Red Flags