How do you handle a mooch?

[Mod note- moved from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. ]


Maybe this post was a little too long, so I've cut it down some. Please read and give advice, please.

I don't want to sound like I'm badmouthing my sister, I love her, but I guess it's fair to say I really hate her behaviour. I don't want to be mean to or about her. Perhaps 'My sister is a leech' sounded like I was being too hard, but she really is a mooch (if that's a gentler term to use).

My sister worked for a couple of years, then decided it was all too hard and that she was entitled to have her family take care of her because that's what she wanted to do. My sister is constantly demanding money and has done for years with the rest of my family, putting a huge financial burden on them in the process. She's spent most of her adult life refusing to grow up and be responsible for herself, making excuses such as feeling she's above having to live like other people and moving from one family member to the next to provide for her as if it's our duty. After 20 something years of this how can she be expected to change when she's always had it so good and bullying and emotional blackmail have become her means of getting her needs met? The short answer to that is that she ISN'T going to change, right? I've become the sole focus of her attention since other family members have unfortunately passed away and she has no-one else. I would never abandon her in a serious situation, but constantly being forced to give her money when I just can't afford it just doesn't sit well with me. It would probably mean I'd have to lower my own standard of living to compensate. Money is already an issue for me as I don't earn a large salary and really just live paycheck to paycheck myself, but I manage by living on a tight budget. I don't feel like I should be forced into the role of parent. I don't want to sound judgemental, but we weren't raised to act this way and I wonder a lot about why we are such different people and why she does it when she clearly knows better but just doesn't seem to care? Perhaps it's in her genes because other members of my family can be pretty damn self-centred and child like a lot of the time. Is it possible to have a family of narcissists? I don't understand how she can be this way and not feel bad especially when she's always telling US how selfish we are and how we don't care about HER.

To cut a long story short, I guess what I'm looking for is validation that it's okay to say no to her and not feel guilty about needing to protect myself financially. I might have to look like 'the bad guy' to to outsiders who think I'm a horrible sister (I don't think I am) but I don't want to end up in serious debt. Please tell me the honest & frank truth about this even it's not exactly what I want to hear. I NEED to deal with this.

ellell09 wrote: After 20 something years of this how can she be expected to change when she's always had it so good and bullying and emotional blackmail have become her means of getting her needs met? The short answer to that is that she ISN'T going to change, right?

Why WOULD she change? She's getting what she wants, plain and simple. How she is getting it doesn't really matter because it's been working for her so far.

If you don't want to be put in that situation, then take yourself out of that situation and do not be an option for her to "demand" or "emotionally blackmail" you or whatever.

Sure, she will likely move on to the next one...or maybe she has drained everyone within her reach.

I won't tell you what to do but will say that...for ME...I have strong & clear boundaries when it comes to money & finances so I would not be easily manipulated there.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Yes, you're right she won't change while she knows she can play others like a fiddle and get her kicks out of it, too. Time for me to toughen up and put my foot down. Hard, because she's still my sister and I don't want to hurt her, but necessary not to allow her to walk all over me because she can be pretty intimidating when she wants something. Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

ellell09 wrote:Yes, you're right she won't change while she can play others like a fiddle and seems to get her kicks out of it, too. Time for me to toughen up and put my foot down. Hard, because she's still my sister and I don't want to hurt her, but necessary not to allow her to walk all over me. Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

You don't have to hurt her. You can just say NO, and set up some boundaries as has already been suggested.
That's not hurtful behavior... that's adult behavior.
Whether she's hurt by it is her choice. But your saying NO is not hurtful.
You need to be clear on that - it's the unclarity about that that has kept you locked into letting her run the show for too long.

And there's the rub. Narcissists know how to keep you on the back foot and doubting yourself by using either intimidation/threats or emotional manipulation. I guess it's just a matter of finding the confidence to make a firm choice and stick to it even when she has other people believing that I always let her down. I don't want to have to spend years being mom to another childish adult in my mixed up dysfunctional family of adults who act like kids. That particular situation ended some years ago, but It took a very heavy toll on me emotionally and I'm still feeling pretty fragile from the stress of it. Thank you for your reply. :)

ellell09 wrote: I don't understand how she can be this way and not feel bad especially when she's always telling US how selfish we are and how we don't care about HER.

Common tactic. Leeches will always use it. Don't fall for it, it's just used to manipulate you emotionally.

She's abusing you financially and emotionally because you are letting it.

You need to set boundaries. You may experience feelings of guilt and social contempt ( as you already said), but that's OK. Just don't provide for her any longer. It will eventually be better for her.

She's a healthy? adult who can work and make her own living. You are not her parent, and even if you were, you still wouldn't be responsible in the way you are describing because she isn't a child.

You may wanna work on assertiveness skills and managing guilt feelings with a good therapist. Both of these problems have more to do with you than with her.

You may expect a raised aggressiveness from her side when you begin with this counter-treatment, but just cool it off, it's a common side effect.

The key point is to keep your Gard high enough and not fall for it again, and of course keep contacts with her to a minimum.

Focus on your own life and work on your own identity ( friends, partner, social circle). Your sister is not you.

two_roads wrote:

ellell09 wrote: I don't understand how she can be this way and not feel bad especially when she's always telling US how selfish we are and how we don't care about HER.

Common tactic. Leeches will always use it. Don't fall for it, it's just used to manipulate you emotionally.

She's abusing you financially and emotionally because you are letting it.

You need to set boundaries. You may experience feelings of guilt and social contempt ( as you already said), but that's OK. Just don't provide for her any longer. It will eventually be better for her.

She's a healthy? adult who can work and make her own living. You are not her parent, and even if you were, you still wouldn't be responsible in the way you are describing because she isn't a child.

You may wanna work on assertiveness skills and managing guilt feelings with a good therapist. Both of these problems have more to do with you than with her.

You may expect a raised aggressiveness from her side when you begin with this counter-treatment, but just cool it off, it's a common side effect.

The key point is to keep your Gard high enough and not fall for it again, and of course keep contacts with her to a minimum.

Focus on your own life and work on your own identity ( friends, partner, social circle). Your sister is not you.

You're right, a lot (most) of this to do with me and finding ways of changing myself and not focusing on trying to reason with the unreasonable or change the unchangeable. Tried that for years whilst dealing with another narcissist in my family (my mother) trying to get her to validate me, I guess, but it was like banging my head against a brick wall and only resulted in the rest of my family branding me cruel to her and a manipulator. It was pretty much like living in an emotional and mental war zone just trying to fend them all off, without even starting to really understand what made ME tick and how I could be a better person at handling this. It's only because they're your family and you love them that you have such a strong inclination to want fix things and get along, change your family and make it what you wish it could be. Your wish, not theirs, necessarily and that's what I struggle with even though I KNOW it's unrealistic. I've always had problems knowing how to deal with aggressive behaviour toward me, but family members are harder because you're emotionally attached and they know how to push all the right buttons where often with outsiders I get upset but can brush it off more easily. I didn't feel like my previous therapist was very effect, plus the fact that once my mother got done, the therapist ended up thinking I was the problem. Not at all uncommon, as I now know and next time it might be wiser just to keep it under my hat.

Social contempt? Yes I have experienced that. My sister is in therapy herself (different person), and she does seem to spend a lot of her sessions talking about me. I know this because she loves to run straight back back to me afterwards and tell me exactly what her therapist says is wrong with ME. : I love my sister and don't want to sound like I'm putting her down, just trying to lighten up on myself, I guess.

Thanks for allowing me to vent. It helps so much.

Wow..reading your post was like reading about my own sister. My sister is 25 years old, but has lived most of her adult life like a teenager. She has never lived on her own- always been with room mates, and has been through 3-4 jobs in as many years. When she did live at home, after I left for college, she abused my parents. They were both sick and frail, and she would take away their car keys, tv remotes, even medicine if they did not give her whatever she wanted. She has been using this same tactic on my dad since my mom passed away, only she now does it verbally over the phone, and makes him feel lower than dirt if he doesn't give in to her. A couple years ago, she used "I'm going to kill myself because nobody cares about me." My dad and I rushed out to where she lives, stayed out there with her for almost 7 days, and I set her up with therapy sessions. She quit shortly after I left. When she does earn her own money, she uses it to go out drinking and partying with her friends, then calls my dad to pay the bills she neglected. Twice now, she has quit her job to go out of state to play in a softball tournament. This last time, it was at the same place my brother works, and he is the one that got her the job. She has managed to alienate everyone in the family. I've opened up my home for her before, but she won't stay with me because she doesn't like my husband. This is mainly because he tells her how she needs to grow up and get her act together. She says now that she is shoplifting to eat because she has no money, and cancelled her car insurance. My brother has offered to go buy groceries for her, but she always declines. She told my dad yesterday on the phone that my brother and I don't care about her. We have all collectively decided that the best thing we can do for her at this point, is nothing, and that it just might be a blessing if she got arrested.