For NON-BPDs: Information and Resources

Brute347 wrote:We are not at fault. You couldn't of said, done, tried anything more than what you did. It was never going to be enough, it was never going to be the right thing, the thing that stopped it or ended it all.

Not knowing wasn't your fault either.

So please, if you're feeling like crap, like I am. If you're fighting tooth and nail to stay connected, hoping for something better, dont.

Please help yourselfs

Hi All,
I just joined today. My wife was diagnosed with BPD about 6 years ago. She went into therapy after I found out she was having an affair with a mutual friend. I always thought that she was just depressed. She's been on anti depressants since I know here. She's also been on Abilify as well. She also has a lot of anxiety. From what I have been reading here she seems a little different. She is never deliberately cruel or mean to me. She does not yell at me or fight. He destructiveness was that she gained a lot of weight, each year she gained more. It got to the point that I was not attracted to her anymore. She also spent a lot of money behind my back. Well it was her money anyway, for much of our relationship she was the breadwinner and has always been employed. In fact she's accomplished and highly functional at work.

When I found out about the affair, she denied it and lied to my face for 3 days straight. I used technology to find out for sure that she was having the affair. When she was caught red-handed she admitted it and broke it off. However, it was a colleague so she was working at the same university for the next 3.5 years. But I don't she ever had relations with that person again. She was always so meek and timid, always looking to please me and everybody else. She was obsessed with people liking her. When I found out about the affair I knew I could never really trust here. I uncovered so many other lies. It took a good 3 months for me to stop being angry and move past it. But I was just so depressed because I realized that what I was in love with was a character she was playing, she was just an empty shell, a chameleon. There's no depth or soul to her. I felt kind of creepy and realized that I was living with someone for 7 years and I don't even know who she is. After time things settled down, but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She is the love of my life. When things are good, and they usually are for years, it's amazing. If she exhibited the "typical" borderline traits I would have never married her. After reading these forums for the past 4 days, I suspect that my own mother and ex-wife exhibited more of the typical BPD traits than her. I am torn between loving her and wanting to help her and moving on. It's a tough decision. Right now I am only working part-time, and I rely on her for everything. I felt trapped.

About a week ago, her mom came to visit and the crap hit the fan. I was staying at a friend's so they could be alone, and I got a phone call in the morning saying she was leaving me because she was not happy. I have not seen her in a week. We speak everyday. I have no doubt she loves me and I love her completely. I am in the process of packing my things while she is away. We are going to get legally separated and I am going to file for bankruptcy. I have a lot of student loan debt and credit card debt. We were fine financially while we were together, but I'll never be able to afford to pay for my living expenses and those debts at the same time on my own. So my world was turned completely upside down in 1 week. I don't think she was having an affair again, but she's an incredibly sneaky and gifted liar. She's creative and resourceful, so who knows. It doesn't matter now. Thank God our kids from previous marriages are grown now.

She used to sing my praises constantly to me and everyone in front of me, but behind my back she told many lies; that I was mean, controlling, unloving, uncaring, etc. I found out also that she is obsessed with suicide and thinks about it all the time. It's almost like she is one person to me and a completely different person to other people.

I accept her and love her and don;t want the relationship to end. There really was a LOT of love and a lot of good times. And she was never angry or violent, but in hindsight maybe more destructive because she just destroyed my world again.

She really blames me for her unhappiness. I don't like chick flicks, I don't kiss her enough, I'm impatient. And she is right. I can be those things. I have my own issues. But I have never pulled the rug out from under her feet. I never cheated on her, never abused her, never even really yelled at her. If I use a stern voice she says I'm yelling.

I realize this is an inactive thread, but I'm wondering if those of you with more knowledge think our relationship can be salvaged if she goes to therapy and finds the right med combinations? I know I have to be more supportive and treat her anxiety and sadness more seriously. She honestly should be happy. She's sweet, stylish, pretty, funny, and sexy. As I said, when times are good they are off the chart. There is not better feeling that being loved by her,

Here I am approaching the last third of my life, alone, and broke financially.

DD

Hi DickDiver,

Yes, this single-thread often isn't read, so if you'd like, feel free to start a new topic. You might get more feedback that way.

Thanks to everyone who posted links and advice for those of us who love a person with BPD. I will be checking those out in the days to come. I recently married a man in December with BPD. We dated two years before the marriage. I've known for quite some time that he has the disorder, but I married him anyway hoping for the best and coming from a lifetime of horrible relationships and experiences, hope was all I had. I am now beginning to regret this choice, and the wedding pictures have not even been sent yet. It is not a lack of love, caring, attempt at understanding and empathizing with him, it is that I do not know how much more I can take, or how safe I am anymore with him. We have went to counseling, but I feel like he just shows up to appease me. He makes no other attempt to seek or get help. He doesn't feel that he has anything wrong with him, and feels it is just the way he is and desperately wants a fulfilling relationship with a person, but doesn't realize the almost impossibility of this given all of the issues the other person has to tolerate. There is no one in our general area who specializes in treating this disorder. I could say so much more here, but it would take all night. Maybe questions will get answered here in time. I would just love some advice and help. I have no one to talk to or turn to about this. Thank you.

bobuk wrote:she declared her undying love for a friend of ours - and who was as surprised as anybody to find out.

DickDiver wrote:She went into therapy after I found out she was having an affair with a mutual friend.

I always thought my wife's condition would fit under the umbrella of OCD but now I realize it fits BPD far better. She experiences intense anger & joy, has a tendency to see things as black & white, hates changes to plans however trivial the plan is, fears rejection by anybody/everybody, is impulsive and has difficulty managing money, and many of her long-term relationships are volatile. Although she has many of the textbook symptoms, I don't think her condition is severe because her symptoms aren't so severe it keeps her from being a good stay-at-home Mom of young children. But ...

I just recently found out she has been secretly declaring her love for an in-law relative, who was surprised and did not respond to her. I'm trying to understand what would drive a BPD person to seek affairs. Do they have a need to feel the excitement and pleasure of infatuation, because otherwise their life feels dull? Not sure. Would like to hear everyone's perspectives on this. Thanks.