For NON-BPDs: Information and Resources

I self diagnosed my wife as having ADHD when we first got married, and when she was tested by the therapist she did in fact have ADHD. Yet I knew several ADHD coworkers and friends that would forget things everywhere and exhibit other symptoms of ADHD but didn't have the manipulation, the mood swings, the rages and tantrums, the eating disorders, the self esteem issues, and the suicidal threats and attempts that my wife has. So I went back to reading up on various disorders and I at first thought that she may be bipolar, and I knew nothing of BPD. Yet everything I came across about bipolar didn't match her. Finally I happened upon descriptions of this bpd and was shocked at how closely it matched her behavior. On top of this I was awakened to other symptoms that she has really bad that I had believed her justifications for. Like how she would project her feelings and wants on others (especially the kids), and how she can't stand to be alone, has fears of abandonment. So yes I self diagnosed her with this disorder.

I am currently separated from her, and my kids and I all got sick with bronchitis whereby we were all quarantined at my house for a whole week. I live in our old house and my wife and her daughters from a previous marriage live in an apartment together. During the week where we were severely sick, her youngest daughter that she shares the apt with, took all of her stuff and is now living with her boyfriend. Now my wife has been living through my stepdaughters life for years now. Logging onto her facebook and texting her friends. Now some parents do this as a way to keep their kids protected, but my wife did it because she was finding her identity through her teenage daughter. Anyway due to my kids being with me whilst sick, and her daughter moving out... she tried to kill herself with tylenol pm and several bottles of alcohol or liquor. Her older daughters found her and took her to the hospital and consequently she was placed in the psych ward for 10 days.

I hate to say this and I don't really know how to say this... but when my kids found out that she tried to commit suicide and yet she still lived they had an "Oh great" kind of comment. It shouldn't be that way, they should be upset that she tried to kill herself, but they have already been through numerous times where she has threatened suicide or actually tried to do it in their presence. She tried jumping out of the car at highway speeds nineteen times with me and thirteen of those times the kids were in the car and were very upset. Sometimes they would hover their hand over her door lock just in case she would try it.

This all being said, I am planning on divorcing her and fighting for custody of the kids which shouldn't be too hard since I have her on audio saying she doesn't want them and yelling at them for nonsense reasons. My friend told me I need to document many of these incidents with ink with a date and signature to have it be legal. Is there any advice one could give me about documentation? I am pretty much sticking to mostly stuff that she does against the kids or the behavior she exhibits in front of the kids because I know that the court really won't care what she has done to me (which is actually a lot).

BTW I asked her to tell her 3 psychiatrists in the psyche ward that her husband believes she has BPD, and they all dismissed it out of hand and one said that BPD was like the lady from fatal attraction where she is boiling the rabbit. They barely spent 15 minutes with her each time, and yet they feel competent enough to dismiss the possibility of BPD out of hand. I find that to be asinine. I mean isn't BPD suppose to be one of those disorders that is hard for a therapist to diagnose until they have spent time with the patient? And here they spend 15 minutes every few days with her and dismiss it out of hand. I have known her day in and day out for 13 years and can cite examples to back up bpd symptoms. As usual my wife is telling everyone that it is my fault that she tried to kill herself because of not trying to work on our marriage. I consider our marriage dead and for quite some time. She tried to kill herself after her daughter left her (abandonment). Nothing changed with me... I was sick with a month long bronchitis along with my kids.

Anyway, I thank you if you can give me any tips about documentation.
Thanks

deleted by mod at member request

I'm going to show those links and info in the first post to my boyfriend. I have BPD and he is trying to help me heal from it.

Hello. Thought this link might come in handy for anyone who would like some advice on how to support someone with BPD....

http://supersonic777.hubpages.com/hub/H ... y-Disorder

Many thanks.

I feel like my brush with a BPD woman has damaged my life. She falsely claimed that an ex-BF of hers raped her and then spent months with follow-up lies, such as him going to jail, getting his conviction overturned, getting weekends in jail, etc. NONE of it was true. I cared about this woman. We began our relationship by dating. After I broke up with her, we remained (I thought) very close friends. It hurts enough when someone you care for is, or so you're told, raped. It hurts more when you think the rapist got away with it. And it hurts even more to find out the person you trusted made up the whole story.

This BPD woman twice accused me of basically helping the rape happen and / or being part of why the rapist got off free. She said the rape would have never happened had she moved as planned (I promised to go out with her again at a future date if she did not move, and a short time after that the "rape" occurred... of course there was no actual plan to move, it turned out). Then she said the evidence in court (again, no court was involved) was at one point thrown out because she and I had had sex the night before and this somehow contaminated things.

She also, at various points, lied about having an STD (didn't have one) and about getting pregnant with and aborting my child (no pregnancy, no abortion).

This was someone I cared about. There is even more to this story, but this experience made me fearful and took away the extreme caring I had felt for others. Why? What did I do to deserve any of this? What did the man she lied about raping her do? How, and I mean this with all due respect, can we have sympathy for BPD people when this is what they do to others?

Conehead, couldn't this be for the Question for BPD's?

Trigger warning:

conehead88 wrote:I feel like my brush with a BPD woman has damaged my life. She falsely claimed that an ex-BF of hers raped her and then spent months with follow-up lies, such as him going to jail, getting his conviction overturned, getting weekends in jail, etc. NONE of it was true. I cared about this woman. We began our relationship by dating. After I broke up with her, we remained (I thought) very close friends. It hurts enough when someone you care for is, or so you're told, raped. It hurts more when you think the rapist got away with it. And it hurts even more to find out the person you trusted made up the whole story.

How do you know she wasn't raped? Were you there?

This BPD woman twice accused me of basically helping the rape happen and / or being part of why the rapist got off free. She said the rape would have never happened had she moved as planned (I promised to go out with her again at a future date if she did not move, and a short time after that the "rape" occurred... of course there was no actual plan to move, it turned out).

She's guilt tripping you, but its based on (or so it seems) her having been raped, and feeling like if you had let her move in with you it wouldn't have happened. She shouldn't blame you for it, as its not your fault, especially if you didn't know this couldn't have happened. That being said, she was probably afraid beforehand, which is probably why she wanted to move. And then she got raped. Also, people who feel helpless can develope stockholm syndrome. Just saying.

What she should have done, is go into a homeless shelter if she was afraid. She didn't. It was a mistake that lead to this tragedy.

Then she said the evidence in court (again, no court was involved) was at one point thrown out because she and I had had sex the night before and this somehow contaminated things.

Maybe she did go to court and couldn't prove it somehow. Or perhaps she's guilt tripping you. Or maybe she didn't go to court but wanted to make it look like she did, out of fear, shame, embarrasment, etc...

She also, at various points, lied about having an STD (didn't have one) and about getting pregnant with and aborting my child (no pregnancy, no abortion).

She clearly has serious selfcontrol issues. The STD part is wrong if she then had intercourse with you. As for the pregnancy-abortion issue, were you guys together at the time? Was she living with you? There could be alot of reasons why should would've done this. And it could be possible that she was telling the truth. Even if at the end of it she said that it was all lies.

This was someone I cared about. There is even more to this story, but this experience made me fearful and took away the extreme caring I had felt for others. Why? What did I do to deserve any of this? What did the man she lied about raping her do? How, and I mean this with all due respect, can we have sympathy for BPD people when this is what they do to others?

BPD people don't want your sympathy, they want understanding. It doesn't help any when you paint us all with your exbrush, judging us based on her. I'd never do that. It just isn't in my nature as a person. Have I hurt people? Unintentionally, yes. Everyone is different.

How can I, based on what you say and think of BPD people, have any respect for normal people? I wouldn't judge them based on you. I expect the same out of you and everyone.

Looking for some suggested management strategies here or other ideas...

Don't know if my wife has BPD or not, but she does at least share some of the symptoms which makes me concerned. We've been married for 10 years and I've been brushing off some of her behaviours or trying to rationalise or defend them to others.

Compared to some of the situations I've read about here this is relatively mild, however it is still starting to concern me. The main issues seem to be:

*Very possessive, also extremely jealous. (E.g., if I showed affection to a dog or cat she would later comment that she felt jealous and up until recently I'd assumed she was joking but she wasn't.)

She has been an anxiety sufferer in the past and has experienced panic attacks, but not with me since our relationship has become stable.

My concern right now is that she has decided that she wants to isolate me from my family. This has been progressing from year to year but this year was the first time she refused to see any of them and also tried to talk me out of seeing them as well. She always, of course, has a rationalisation. This time it was because her brother has recently had his arm broken in an accident and she was 'grieving' over it. I don't think this is the case as I mentioned to her during the same period that I would take her to see the The Hobbit in 3D at an IMax cinema and she was very excited to go... I've tried to find out if someone in my family has upset her or said something unkind to her but she denies anything like that has happened. Maybe there is an incident she won't speak about but I'm starting to doubt it.

Can anyone suggest the best way to try to get this behaviour better managed? I've been turning a blind eye to it and unfortunately as a result it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I've been manipulated in the past by people and am just loath to 'manipulate' someone in my life. This is probably the main reason why I haven't been more assertive about these behaviours but I'm coming to realise I need to come up with a management plan or set some boundaries for her on what I regard as acceptable behaviour or not.

Any suggestions or can anyone point me to relevant reading material?

Thanks.

WillN wrote:Looking for some suggested management strategies here or other ideas...

Don't know if my wife has BPD or not, but she does at least share some of the symptoms which makes me concerned. We've been married for 10 years and I've been brushing off some of her behaviours or trying to rationalise or defend them to others.

Compared to some of the situations I've read about here this is relatively mild, however it is still starting to concern me. The main issues seem to be:

*Very possessive, also extremely jealous. (E.g., if I showed affection to a dog or cat she would later comment that she felt jealous and up until recently I'd assumed she was joking but she wasn't.)

She has been an anxiety sufferer in the past and has experienced panic attacks, but not with me since our relationship has become stable.

Tell her that you love her, and try to get her to seek counselling. Tell her the truth, that you're concerned for her. Especially because of her history with anxiety.

My concern right now is that she has decided that she wants to isolate me from my family. This has been progressing from year to year but this year was the first time she refused to see any of them and also tried to talk me out of seeing them as well. She always, of course, has a rationalisation. This time it was because her brother has recently had his arm broken in an accident and she was 'grieving' over it. I don't think this is the case as I mentioned to her during the same period that I would take her to see the The Hobbit in 3D at an IMax cinema and she was very excited to go... I've tried to find out if someone in my family has upset her or said something unkind to her but she denies anything like that has happened. Maybe there is an incident she won't speak about but I'm starting to doubt it.

Can anyone suggest the best way to try to get this behaviour better managed? I've been turning a blind eye to it and unfortunately as a result it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I've been manipulated in the past by people and am just loath to 'manipulate' someone in my life. This is probably the main reason why I haven't been more assertive about these behaviours but I'm coming to realise I need to come up with a management plan or set some boundaries for her on what I regard as acceptable behaviour or not.

Any suggestions or can anyone point me to relevant reading material?

Thanks.

I'd keep in contact with your friends and family. She's probably doing this out of fear of losing you, insecurity bites. I say from first hand experience. Let her know that you're there for her and that you want her to get help. It's important though that you keep those boundaries there.

Dear Sandy, I am writing this letter to you because I feel that I owe you and your family an explanation as to why CXXXX and I are not married after such a long time together.
This is a collection of a few events and some of the issues that have stopped me from asking CXXXX to marry me because I felt that it would not last more than a month before CXXXX would walk out on me for no reason, please read bellow and at the bottom is a text message exchange between CXXXX and I.
TRUST:
Early on in our relationship CXXXX actually picked up an Italian guy right in front of my face, she asked me to leave the office as he came into her elders real estate office as a client she took his number, placed the details on her desk face down and said she would pass on his details to the correct person, she then started seeing him behind my back, then we started having the exact same fights as we do now before we conveniently broke up.
we got back together some months later, I am with her in my computer room and a text message comes through and it said to her “how’s my horny little friend tonight” (which means how is my sex partner tonight) I was not happy about that and she said that it was just a friend, but what kind of friend says that to another?
Another incident happened when a Kiwi guy saw her poster on the Sxxxxxxxx hxxxx bus stop and called her, she went out for lunch with him while I was seeing her and then we had an argument on the gold coast about something stupid, so she started texting that kiwi guy during that argument, she then went and had sex with him and filmed him naked with her mobile phone.
The reason I know this is when we got back together we went to the movies and she was going to show me some pictures of her niece on her mobile when we were waiting for the movie to start, but when she handed me her mobile it clicked on to another directory by accident and when I clicked on what I thought was going to be her niece I was confronted by a video of some fat guy with a tiny dick and a kiwi accent with CXXXX’s voice in the background.
Then I clicked on the second movie file in that directory and it was the same guy, still naked and his dick was still tiny, she then tried to tell me that the guy in those movies was in fact me , I was furious and told her that guy and me are the exact opposite and how could she expect me to believe that crap as he was fat and hung like a field mouse, she then changed her story and said that it was an ex from way back & his accent was not kiwi, I am not stupid and I do know a kiwi accent when I hear one.
After CXXXX had denied that the movies were on her phone and that I must have made it up the next day she boasted to me about it telling me that the movies were hers and she recorded them, I have the email exchange regarding this event where CXXXX acknowledges the movies but denies the Kiwi guy, she told me that it was him verbal, now she denies that fact again?
But this also explains his strange message that CXXXX showed me as the Kiwi guys reply back to her after she sent him a message telling him that she was in a relationship and didn’t want to see him again, his text said that “it was fun for the short time it lasted”
There are more incidents like this, but these two incidents above set the scene for the relationship from the start.
CONFLICT:
Next I will move onto some of the Continual arguments that happen on a weekly basis, sometimes daily, they seem to start over nothing at all and usually end up with me being dumped for such reasons as “I made her and her friends Thai Beef Basil instead of Tom Yum Soup”, “I didn’t want to go to a movie that was going to start in 5 minutes time and it would take us at least 15 mins to drive there”, “I thought that Pippa Middleton was better than Kate Middleton” the list goes on and on, In fact CXXXX has dumped me over 100 times in 6 years and I have spent thousands of dollars trying to keep us together and make this relationship work.
CONTINUAL VIOLENCE:
Next I will mention another factor that sometimes extends from these arguments, but it can also occur quite randomly too, CXXXX has a tendency to use violence when she is not getting her way, but the scale and the level of violence she displays each time seems to escalate slightly from the time before.
she has attacked me with a coat hanger and scratched my eyeball after hitting me in the face with it during an argument, another time she drove me to the back of a park at night and tried to get a knife from the back floor of her car, I stopped her so she jumped out of the car and grabbed the hammer that she kept in the boot of her car at the time, I also stopped her from hitting me with that, CXXXX on another occasion attacked my car seat with her shoe and was threatening to do the same to me, she kept on asking me to hand her my phone, there was no way I was going to hand her my $800.00 mobile, there are a lot more incidents where CXXXX has ether trashed my room or attacked me with a weapon of some description and she has even crushed my testicles with her hand.
MENTAL ABUSE:
I also get accused of sleeping with every girl that I talk too, I find this extremely strange considering that CXXXX insists in keeping in contact with her ex-boyfriends and we have had many arguments over the last 6 years about her ex-boyfriends sending her sexual text messages and I am asking her not to contact them, CXXXX’s reply is that she will break up with me if I try and make her stop contacting her ex-boyfriends.
This behavior with her ex-boyfriends has continued to the point where she likes us to hang out with MXXXXX who is now married to Tammy and he is one of CXXXX’s ex-boyfriends, this was sort of ok until CXXXX showed me one of the sexual text messages that MXXXXX is sending to her when we were on our way to the Woodridge markets on a Sunday morning and this is 5.5 years into our relationship and its still happening, MXXXXX is married, but CXXXX still continued to want to see MXXXXX and she expected me to do the same with the threat of breaking up if I did not agree to this.
Another reason I never trusted CXXXX with MXXXXX is because CXXXX asked me not to mention to Tammy; his wife that’s she used to be in a relationship with MXXXXX, Why was this secret if there was nothing going on?
CXXXX questions me about seeing my friends on a Saturday afternoon (it’s only a few hours), she has spoken to them on the phone before, but I will not introduce her to them because all of my friends that I have introduced her to think she is a total nutcase.
I have also been accused of sleeping with a long term friend simply because I invited her over to try a dessert that I had made?
CXXXX would constantly give me a never ending stream of put downs for no apparent reason at all and some of these were very personal and directed at me or my friends and family.
CXXXX also yelled at my mother and insulted her because she would not ask me to kick out my house mate; CXXXX as usual never apologized to her for this. (Very bad in my culture)
Also for the entire time that I have been with CXXXX she has never once admitted that she was in the wrong or taken any responsibility for her actions, it’s always mine or someone else’s fault.
POINT OF INTEREST:
One last thing and I believe that this is very significant, CXXXX demonstrated a deep emotional trauma when she was telling her friend Tammy about her trip from Vietnam and her life in the camp In Thailand, I feel that this is the root cause of all of our problems, she needs to look at this and see if she can get some help for the damage that it caused her.
NOTE:
I do have a lot of emails and text messages from CXXXX that collaborate these and countless other events.
My reasons for letting you know what I have had to deal with these past 6 years are not to try and put CXXXX down or to try and make her seem like less of a person than she really is, I am telling you this because I love CXXXX more than any girl I have ever known and I hope that this letter will help you and your family get CXXXX the professional help that she needs so that the next six years of her life will be filled with smiles, romance and eventually children, Not the lies, cheating, emotional abuse and the violence I have had to endure on a daily basis for all of those years.

 

THIS IS A TYPICALTEXT MESSAGE EXCHANGE WHEN TRYING TO HELP CXXXX:
ME: I will do what I can baby but I am not going to agree to something I don't want to do, but spending more time with u and getting closer to u I can do providing u stop dumping me every time u don't get what u want

CXXXX: If u not agree then you r not the guy to want to get married in the future. Life is too short to miss out travelling. You take care and I am sure u will find someone like u.

ME: Lets do the counseling and see where we are after that

CXXXX: No XXXXXX, no travelling means u r not for me. Save money on counselling and go overseas.

ME: Try counseling baby as that's a long term solution being happy together for the rest of our lives means the world to me.

CXXXX: Nope mate. I know exactly what I want in a relationship. P

ME: Why are you scared of going to a counsellor for our relationship, traveling is only 2 weeks a year I'm talking about doing something for the entire 52 weeks of the year, she may well say that an overseas holiday is the answer

CXXXX: I am not going to argue with u mate. U in or out?

ME: Will u go to counseling ?

CXXXX: Nope for sure.

ME: Why is that?

ME: The counsellor is at SB hills and we can go Wednesday night at 6:30pm it won't cost you anything
I'll pay the $65:00 per hour

CXXXX: Can u just ###$ off? I told u what I needed in a relationship and u still ###$ going on with the ###$ counselling. Just ###$ off will u?

ME: You proclaim to be educated but you refuse to see a relationship counsellor?
There are two people in a relationship baby and if you want our children to have parents that are together we need to get some relationship guidance

CXXXX: I brought up in a happy family mate. Talk for yr self then.

ME: Talking to a counsellor will help us for the future if you don't want to end up in divorce it's well worth spending a little time to work on our relationship

CXXXX: Mate, u r talking for yourself mate. Have a good look at yourself, your family.

ME: U r my family

CXXXX: I am not yr family. Look at your mum and dad and yrself and exwife.

ME: Ok enough with the put downs CXXXX as u r just fishing for an argument so that u can say u r the victim again and I have been told to tell you that I'm not playing the victim game

CXXXX: U ###$ off and leave me alone mate. We have finished so don't bother try.

ME: Come on let's go down the coast and spend the weekend having some us time

CXXXX: If you agreed to travel overseas then I will. Life is too wasted if you don't see what's out there on our world.

ME: Blackmail is not good in a relationship

CXXXX: It's not blackmail but that's my goal for the future. If u can't do that then please just ###$ off. I really sick if the whole thing. Just ###$ off dick head.

ME: Read that back to yourself and then ask yourself how would I take it if every text I received sounded like this

CXXXX: Because u a dickhead! I told u what I like for my future and if you don't have the same goal then ###$ off.

ME: Come to counseling and then we can plan our lives together as its a great way to realign our goals together

ME: Can I confirm the booking for Wednesday night?

CXXXX: Just ###$ off. I am done with u. Bye

ME: Are u coming to gym this morning?
CXXXX: For a relationship to work, these are the 3 things u need to proven to me: 1. Arthur needs to move out (told u 3 yrs ago) 2. Spend every 2nd Saturday with me instead of yr friends 3. Willing to travel overseas whenever we could.
ME: If we still have problem then then we will seeking for a counsellor .
CXXXX: if u can not do that then Stop ###$ contacting me mate. This is my final text to you. If you annoy me again, I will report to the police - I am serious, just sick of u go around and around and annoy the $#%^ of me. Just ###$ off if u can't do the above 3 things - that means we are not match so don't bother try.
ME: There is no point in doing anything unless we seek counseling as we have been doing everything CXXXX's way for the last 5 years and u still keep dumping me every two weeks and taking all of your gear home, we need a third party to help us with some conflict resolution guidelines.

CXXXX: I know what Will works in my relationship and don't need third person involved. Ok that the final verdict - no more chances for you. Just ###$ off and leave me alone you ###$ idiot.

ME: In your relationship with CXXXX?

ME: Lets have pho together for lunch CXXXX

ME: We need to talk face to face its the only way to sort this out baby

NOTE:
We went to the Counsellor, we both agreed to her recommendations and we realigned our goals together for the future, then CXXXX dumped me after 3 days for no reason again and was on a dating site.
we got back together a few weeks later and 3 days later she attacked me 3 times because I picked the long way to the restaurant and a couple of weeks after that she was back on the dating site looking for guys.
NOTE: I have Also have an email conversation with CXXXX as a separate document were CXXXX and I are arguing over her ex-boyfriends sexual text messages this was 3.5 years ago and you can read for yourself what CXXXX’s thoughts on the matter were and this sexual contact have never stopped.

This is for those of us who are suffering and are in great emotional pain from the loss of someone we love who we believe has bpd, or, seems to have bpd ( based on symptoms that are described as being those of someone who has bpd)

I am one of these people, and am struggling with this loss. I miss this person immensely and one way that I am coping with the loss is by informing myself of what BPD is.

Two books that I am reading are;

I hate you don't leave me
Stop walking on eggshells

Stop walking on eggshells I feel is helping me the most. It helps you realize that NO MATTER what you did, or didn't do, the symptoms of BPD will take their course, and it ISN'T your fault. I have been blaming myself, making myself the problem, trying NOT to let go of the pain since its the only thing that connects me to her.

We are not at fault. You couldn't of said, done, tried anything more than what you did. It was never going to be enough, it was never going to be the right thing, the thing that stopped it or ended it all.

Not knowing wasn't your fault either.

So please, if you're feeling like crap, like I am. If you're fighting tooth and nail to stay connected, hoping for something better, dont.

Please read those two books, or at least just Stop walking on eggshells, it will help a whole lot. You can DL the pdf's if you can't purchase them. Do it onto your phone, ipad, desktop, whatever. Just please be proactive. Trust me, it sucks so badly, some days I don't even want to get out of bed. But, just like some of them move on and rebound as if NOTHING has happened, we must move on too, even if were hurting and we can't make sense of it.

I hope some of you will take my advice and be proactive on trying to let go. I feel that informing yourself on how the borderline personality disorder works will help make sense of the senseless. For me, that is what has hurt the most. The knowledge that I did everything I could and this still happened. But as I read on, I realize, I couldn't of done more, I couldn't of done better. The condition is just something that takes over, and if they're not aware that they have it, if they're not aware that it is a disorder, it is normal life, its what they know, its everyday.

Please help yourselfs