Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

DaisyChain18 wrote:I couldn't imagine not giving her at least a card.
...
If I don't give her one then does that make me just as immature?

IMO you don't owe her a card. You're treating her as a normal person (one that cares etc). She isn't. That might sound "mean" but I think it's more a case of justice.

The woman I know knew exactly when my birthday was. Nothing that day nor when I saw her the next. If I'd brought it up she'd just've claimed she "forgot" (passive-aggressive behavior). In her mind I've "rejected" her by withdrawing. No soup, I mean "happy birthday", for you!
[FYI we're almost exactly the same age--early 50's]

I didn't see her around her birthday. Nor was I going to be nice to someone that wasn't nice (there's other stuff as well) to me.

I'm sitting here alone my hope chest is caved in too much pain have somebody love you so much and then find somebody new half the rage run off with them abandon her one year old daughter left me alone with the baby she doesn't even care she's infatuated with this 22 year old kid the thinks he's like the greatest thing in the world when he's just a punk little kid I tried everything with my HPD every angle being nice Being trustworthy being mean being forgiving nothing works now I'm just crushed The second buy this woman's choices understand that she's got an illness as she doesn't approach her with it and she flipped out so there's nothing wrong with her what do you do is no way to go about suggesting therapy or anything because she's clearly with somebody else and think they think that's the greatest thing for her but the saddest thing is is we have a one year old baby girl together and I can't trust her with her alone she makes poor choices leave the child in in dangerous situations and says that I'm an a****** for saying anything about it when brought to her attention it's literally like push the boulder up a hill with this woman now to the point where I almost feel sorry for Finding it hard but managing to forgive her and get over the s*** she's done but she keeps on doing it rub it in my face and coming back and leaving he's also an alcoholic and does drugs frequently and always has to be having sex it seems like Thanks for my vent this form is awesome it's brought to light lots of interesting other stories that are exactly like mine almost I could go on and on and on about the past five years with this woman and it's utter hell she blames me for everything all my fault I did this she says without you do the following me and it be my fault that she did it because I made her do it I made her that way she says it's f****** sick It hurts so much everybody she knows thinks I'm some piece of crap woman beater and I never hit or nothing wanted to a few times when she hit me but wouldn't do it I don't know how to go about helping her get her some treatment of something there's no way to confront her just no way to suggest or Anything any type of help I'm the one that needs help I got post traumatic stress syndrome I can't barely function it's like I was in a war or something and it's never going to go away it's going to be here for 18 more years because we have a little baby together and I'm not ready for any more of her crap Ever

Hi Jesseg,

Sucks man. Yes, after a relationship like the one you've been through, the emotional pain is extreme, and can go on for a long time (months, even years for some). I think you are right about it being PTSD.

I don't have any great advice other than to keep on reading, and writing. If you have any friends or family you can talk with that may help though understood that they probably don't and cannot understand. People with certain disorders can do a good job of hiding it around others. It's the people they are closest to that they take their issues out on. Therapy of course if you are able/willing.

Its just sad cuz I want my baby to have a mother but she really doesn't care no matter what I text her what I say it doesn't strike a chord with her then she'll show up flipping out now I'm all alone in this big house with my little girl in a broken heart trying to keep together but it's very difficult FML

Jesseg wrote:Its just sad cuz I want my baby to have a mother but she really doesn't care no matter what I text her what I say it doesn't strike a chord with her then she'll show up flipping out now I'm all alone in this big house with my little girl in a broken heart trying to keep together but it's very difficult FML

Hey man,

The lack of feelings for others goes with some PDs and is particularly evident in some. Sadly, no there is nothing you can do to inspire maternal (or paternal) feelings in them, and accepting this is very hard. What you can do is care about your children. They will, if not now, eventually appreciate that.

Jesseg wrote:Its just sad cuz I want my baby to have a mother but she really doesn't care no matter what I text her what I say it doesn't strike a chord with her then she'll show up flipping out now I'm all alone in this big house with my little girl in a broken heart trying to keep together but it's very difficult FML

Be thankful it wasn't worse. She could've taken the baby with her, assassinated your character in family court, vilified you with everyone she knows, and extorted a lot of money from you. That's what happened to me. I see my children 4 days a month. And on top of my heart aching for my children every day, close to $3k is extracted from my monthly pay for child support and alimony. It's been like this for over 3 years now.

Haven't written in about a month but wanted to give an update of life here with this HPD craziness.

Nothing has changed really, and I do not expect it to.

She did recently confess to me that she had a 'crush' on another man. It was so inappropriate, she's my boss. I didn't know what to say, or where to look. Her ego is so frightening, she declared that he felt the same for her, he hadn't told her but it was obvious. I believe I know the man she has feelings for (she wanted to tell me but I told her i did not want to know), he does not have feelings for her. He finds her odd. She is acting like a school girl around him, she laughs loudly at anything he says, and as soon as he at the house (he is working at her place right now) she rushes out to greet him and then won't leave him alone. She was almost delirious with happiness the other day when he was here all day, suddenly wanting to work outside in front of where he was going to be….putting herself on display. it was creepy. And then literally the next day….it was like she was a different person. She walked around aimlessly, looking like a lost puppy. I've been looking into bipolar too. Is it normal for people with HPD to have bipolar? Today we lunched together. I noticed she cannot sit still. She will sit at the table in her house, and then she will stand up, wander into another room, do nothing…look around it, and come and sit back down. over and over. It actually was starting to make me a bit dizzy! She started random conversations about people i don't know. She started out of the window a lot and just looked deep in thought. Then she would stare at me…expecting me to have read her thoughts, or like she had said something to me and was waiting for me to answer… Then at the end of the lunch we wandered into the living room area and were watching and talking about some construction that is happening. When I turned to say something to her, she had sat down in a chair, thrown her head back and was asleep… mouth open….sleeping. It was very awkward and very rude. I put my boots on and left…

Her life sort of resembles a dogs…. she eats, wanders around, and goes to sleep. She's been sleeping a lot more this month. I came over at noon a few days ago and she was upstairs in bed.

Is she on her way to hitting rock bottom? Do HPDS ever even hit rock bottom or are they so deluded they just carry on living the way they live thinking this is normal and ok! Is she bipolar? Is this the beginning of a depression?

So many questions!

D xx

DaisyChain18,

Some thoughts.

DaisyChain18 wrote:She did recently confess to me that she had a 'crush' on another man.

One of the DSM traits for HPD

considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are

Thus acquaintances can be "best friends", someone that shows some interest (not necessarily romantic) can "be in love" with them etc. HPD's aren't very good at reading other people.

Another aspect is that they live in a fantasy world especially when it comes to relationships.

All this is well documented.

Why did she tell you? Perhaps for "attention" (good or bad it's still attention).

DaisyChain18 wrote:She is acting like a school girl around him..

HPD's are children at heart.

DaisyChain18 wrote:Is this the beginning of a depression?

HPD's suffer from depression especially when relationships aren't going well.

All this can be fascinating, IMO, if you can keep your distance/disassociate. Of all the Cluster B's I think HPD's are the most interesting

I had some spare time to check in, so here is my latest instalment

After admitting her 'crush' we have not spoken of it again. I thought I knew who the man was. But now I have noticed she acts like a desperate housewife around EVERY man that is around. On Monday the weather was very nice. I went outside to see her sitting on a blanket on a pile of wood amid all the construction that is being done. Just watching the workmen. There was only two there. She didn't leave all day. Not even to eat. She just sat with them, eventually she even repositioned herself to be in the flat bed of one of the mens trucks. It was very strange. And led me to think of something interesting… If this was the other way around and two women were working…and a man sat watching and 'leering' at them all day…. wouldn't that be sexual harassment? Surely its the same the other way round. Clearly the men felt uncomfortable. I know they think she is very strange. I was mainly embarrassed for her. Sometimes I don't know if she has HPD, Bipolar, or is just a sad desperate lonely housewife. It was observed by me and a friend who had seen her behaviour that day, that when her husband drove down the drive she leapt out of the truck, immediately exclaimed she had groceries to buy and left. I also noticed the next day she spent most of the day pacing (she paces all the time) and just gazing out of the windows (the weather wasn't as nice) at the workers. Then an hour before her husband was due to arrive home she leapt to action and cleaned up her kitchen etc. Like a naughty kid that didn't tidy their room.

Do HPD people often end up having affairs? She is VERY impulsive.. and her ego is HUGE. I could very well imagine her telling the man she has a crush on about it all. I don't imagine anything would come of it.

I have been trying to distance myself even more and have (from a suggestion by my therapist) decided to buy myself a car… (my job came with a car/bribe…having a job that has a car with it…apparently means i am also a chauffeur to her daughter when she needs to nap…because pacing around her kitchen all day has been exhausting) Everytime I bring up that I am off to look at a vehicle it goes very tense and she is very quiet. Do HPD really resist you breaking away from them? Is this going to be harder than i think?!

Her mood is still constantly up and down, she will declare 'the day is over, where does it go so fast?' and it will be 2pm. She sleeps a lot still. She has also carried on with that bizarre behaviour of acting like she has said a joke….or something important and then staring at me…like i am meant to answer… Her excuses for avoiding doing anything are becoming more and more ridiculous. She procrastinates, and then when she is behind in something she blames everybody else and makes everybody else suffer.

DaisyChain18 wrote:Sometimes I don't know if she has HPD, Bipolar, or is just a sad desperate lonely housewife.

I've no idea but those aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

DaisyChain18 wrote:Do HPD people often end up having affairs?

Yes many do. In fact many consider cheating/hyper-sexuality a HPD trait. That said they're not all that way. Some (like the woman I know) appear to be quite prudish. In either case they can use sexuality to gain attention whether they actually feel attraction or not. As we all know "sex sells".

Older HPD's sometimes become more maternal/paternal and/or use somatic (physical illness) issues to get attention instead of sex.

They can also flip between these tactics over time.

DaisyChain18 wrote:She is VERY impulsive.. and her ego is HUGE.

Both are traits of a Cluster B PD. A "huge ego" is often associated with Narcissism (NPD) but HPD's can appear narcissistic due to their "it's all about me!" attitude.

DaisyChain18 wrote:I could very well imagine her telling the man she has a crush on about it all.

She may or may not. HPD's love to seduce often by flirting. Being explicit would probably "end the game" (one way or another).

DaisyChain18 wrote:Do HPD really resist you breaking away from them?

It depends on how enmeshed you are with them. The closer you are the more likely there'll be "resistance".