Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

masquerade is indeed an inspiration to me too.

Way back when I joined the site both of us were on the HPD forum. I was in a relationship with some who I suspected of having HPD, but I was so confused about what was going on (though the irony is it took me 3 years to really learn that the person I was most confused about was not her, but myself).

In that same time frame masquerade was doing a lot of 'soul searching', someone who inspired me because she turned her thinking from what others are doing, to looking at herself. It took me longer still to stop focusing on the woman I was involved with, let go, and accept that my self-esteem wasn't what I thought it was. In reality it was my own issues that got me into the situation to begin with and kept me obsessing over trying to change another person. masquerade's transformation and insights into herself inspired me to stop and take a closer look at the one person in the relationship I could change, me.

It also left me more aware of why it is so difficult for someone with a personality disorder to change. It can happen, but there is no way to force it to happen. Trying to force someone to change is about the surest way to guarantee that they'll put their back to a corner, and fight back to protect whatever shred's of ego/self-esteem they know.

I have a question as a NON HPD person.

I recently ended a relationship with a person diagnosed with HPD. It was all going very well, taking things very slowly, but the past few weeks he ramped up his efforts to convince me he was serious about me and future plans. We have been seeing one another for five months. I had no knowledge of his diagnosis, I have never even heard of this disorder. It all came to light when I suddenly discovered a person on his FB was not the person she said she was (he told me she was a family member who lived in another state).

She actually was a local woman he had been courting for the past two months. I was able to speak with her directly because we knew mutual people. She had no idea he had a GF. Anyway, he had been so attentive to me and loving and sincere it was quite a shock to know he was chasing this other woman. Especially beause I told him he was not obligated to me, he could leave anytime and I would release him, etc...no pressure because I wanted to take it slow as well. To discover he fabricated a ridiculous story about this woman AND was seeing her behind my back was the most bizarre thing that ever happened to me in a relationship. After speaking with her I ended it and began to try to understand what just happened.

He was unemotional and unremorseful when I confronted him and told him I knew all about her- and left without incident. He did call the next day and apologized if he had not said he was sorry and seemed somewhat remorseful so I told him I appreciated it. He kept asking could we remain friends and I just told him I didn't have friends that were liars so I didn't think so. The very next day he was texting me from a comedy club asking me out, sending texts of the show, asking me how my horse was doing (it had been injured) like nothing had happened. It was so bizarre! So I told him I was ending contact with him completely and I blocked him from my phone, online website where I met him.

After about a week and a half I finally contacted him through email and just asked him if he could help me resolve the main issue...why on earth did he ramp up our relationship at the same time he was pursuing this other woman? I couldn't resolve it in my mind. THAT is when he told me he had this disorder...he is 48 years old. So I am researching now and came across this forum.

Since then he has been very forthcoming in explaining how he has struggled with it, his lack of empathy, he is seeing a psychiatrist, that kind of thing. I will only speak to him through email. He wants us to remain friends. I told him I would have to educate myself before I would subject myself to any further interaction. I would only do so in a supportive role kind of way; I have battled depression but have gotten to a very good place now for some time so I think I could help him continue to improve. What I want to know is it ever a good idea to have a "friendship" with a HPD? I feel like if he fails to improve he will simply lose interest and stop contacting me. He has some very mild aspects of this disorder but some are frighteningly severe. I would say his lack of conscience is fairly severe and he is definitely disingenuous. He is not a flamboyant attention seeker and I have never seen an emotional outburst. Is it just better to avoid him at all costs? I did feel I was falling in love with him towards the end of the relationship but I am fully aware this relationship was an illusion. I have an enormous capacity to forgive, but not to forget. I would interact with him accordingly and would occasionally force him to validate what he is telling me with documentation if I befriend him at all. Everyone I know that knows what happened said to run for it.

I feel like I could be a positive role model for him and because I care for him I am willing if it is not too dangerous. I never felt threatened. I do love myself to not allow him to mess with my mind further but part of me is so concerned if he doesn't get better more unsuspecting people will be harmed. It appears to me he is trying to get better, which I told him was mandatory if we dare even attempt a friendship. HPD folks? Would you want a friend to motivate you if you were a work in progress?

I am still feeling out his sincerity prior to agreeing to even allow him to text me at this point.
My apologies for my mispellings, I am sure there are many. I would especially appreciate any male HPD feedback regarding this dilemma.

Thank you

CAgirl wrote:A poem I wrote regarding issues with a family member who I believe either has Histrionic PD and/or Borderline PD:

Broken

What if the chain of events and “truths” that you knew
Were really the imaginations of a broken person who
Had endured a bad childhood and has numerous triggers,
And the eruption is just a replay of something bigger?

She is feeling afraid, so he must be dangerous.
She is feeling wounded, so he must be harming.
She is feeling empty, so he must be unsupportive.
She is hysterical, so there must be something alarming!

All of you negative advocates who only hear her side,
You’re enabling her to not have to look inside!
You join in the mob mentality and play her game.
Are you working to stem the tide or to fan the flame?

Take heed that you might be doing her more harm than good.
And there are certainly other casualties.
Sadly, her children may one day become the target,
And then who will you blame with that reality?

This resonated with me. I pray everyday for my kids. She's has control now and stirred up plenty of attention for herself by smearing me with everyone she knows. Her whole family hates me as far as I know. I was vilified. It's ok though. I am free. And someday my children will also be free.

-- Wed Jun 18, 2014 10:23 am --

FindnMyWay wrote:1.) It hurts, it is gonna hurt until it doesn't anymore. I wish I could have changed this in me. I wish I could change this for you. I cannot.
2.) There is nothing you can do to change them, or manipulate them into changing. The change must be organic. The desire to change must be intrinsic. He/she has showed you the true colors. Don't try to repaint.
3.) For some of us, we allowed our relationships to be one-sided and did all of the "heavy lifting" because we loved this person. Its time to do some heavy lifting for YOU!!! It's past time to make YOURSELF happy.
4.) After some time you may forget the HPD within the person. Don't worry. He/she will do something to remind you of the disorder. Keep working on you.
5.) Living well is the best form of revenge.

Great list. Thank you

Grateful to see this here. My older sister is HPD and I cut off contact almost 6 years ago. Some significant events in her life just happened and because I am not in her life, my choice, the smear campaign has reignited.

Our brother is now speaking to her again, while I am on the outs with him too. He is BPD with strong APD tendencies. All of us have been formally diagnosed (his while in prison), so this isn't my speculation.

I am PTSD, thrice over. I was Dx'd by a panel in 2004. We suffered a lot of terrible abuse (torture) as kids in mental and physical ways and there was a lot of addiction in the family.

I am really the only one that sought help as soon as I got out of the house over 20 years ago, and it now shows. I had to end contact because their abuse and manipulation was actually affecting my and my DH's life and home.

I've currently not responded or given any legitimacy to her slander. I have taken on the tactic of not responding to any calls or instigation of any sort. But I'm having a hard time right now. I'm being triggered myself.

Hey TuesdaysChild,

Yea, no contact is tough anyway, a last resort, so more difficult when something really significant happens and you have to choose to continue no contact or maybe some limited temporary contact. I assume she has taken no steps to work on her personality issues?

Thanks for responding xdude. I think she has, and she enrolled in a relatively popular self help organization and called me, leaving a message, apologizing for things she said. The thing was, it was not what our falling out was about and her apology was "I'm sorry but....blah blah" so in the same breath and message she apologized and then nullified it with excuses when there are none. So I never returned her call because I am not convinced that she has changed where I won't find myself constantly feeling hurt at being disrespected, boundaries violated, exhausted by her using my time and concern and having to continuously assert my boundaries. Her personality is fixed and the things she did before I cut off contact were severe enough for me to continue with no contact for 6 years. She meddled with my home, left messages to cause strife with my brother when he was living here, called me to tell me to reduce my brother's monthly rent while he was here, and disrespect our home when she was here. She had shown complete disregard for my home, my time and my effort to put Christmases together, established rules in my home and demanded that I drop everything and drive 50 miles when she needed a shoulder to cry on when she would ignore my calls when I needed some help. Then I found out she had been lying about me to friends and when one of her friends called to tell me off and was surprised when I lashed out at her, here friend confessed to everything my sister was saying and I was devastated. It was all lies to cover up her flaking on her friends, lying to them about affairs she was having (and thus not showing up to planned meet ups - blaming me for some fictitious drama I was supposed to have had. I am done. Utterly bereft of energy to work it out and my heart is broken still.

It's tough because I do feel sad that I don't have the type of family that supports one another. I tried that and was abused for it by them. Also, my brother told me things that disgusted me, such as her drugging him when she wanted him to fall asleep (who DOES that!?!) to stealing his money and other things that finally made me understand that a lot of the strife I have with my brother has to do with her manipulation and lies told to the both he and I.

I'm sorry for going on. I'm in tears atm recalling all of this. I am still devastated emotionally that she would treat me like this and I am currently struggling with wanting to lash out verbally. I am so hurt and more so because I realized that I had been putting up with being devalued by her all of my life. I am not human to her. I am a prop as are most people in her life that don't treat her like $#%^. For those that abuse her, they are a conquest or a failure to conquer and she looks at them like demi-Gods. For those that love her, she abuses like she did to me.

TuesdaysChild wrote:... I am not human to her. I am a prop as are most people in her life that don't treat her like $#%^. For those that abuse her, they are a conquest or a failure to conquer and she looks at them like demi-Gods. For those that love her, she abuses like she did to me.

This is very backwards, but having had some personal experience with this, yes, if she is someone who treats new people well (because they are potential new sources of attention, resources, etc., and worse still is the attraction to people with no empathy), while treating those who care as useless, old-news, burdens, things, yes well...

I understand why you reached a point of no-contact, and why even an 'apology' doesn't necessarily mean there has been any real change.

TuesdaysChild wrote:I'm in tears atm recalling all of this. I am still devastated emotionally that she would treat me like this and I am currently struggling with wanting to lash out verbally. I am so hurt and more so because I realized that I had been putting up with being devalued by her... I am not human to her. I am a prop as are most people in her life that don't treat her like $#%^... For those that love her, she abuses like she did to me.

I feel your pain as I could have typed something pretty much identical to this. What's even more sad is when they don't even realize the problem. Anybody who gets too close to that damaged hollowed out inner self is quickly written off as a worthless insubordinate minion. Then the target is inhumanely punished for simply reminding them they aren't without their own flaws.

No self-reflection. No empathy. No remorse. And it couldn't possibly be their fault.

Take care of yourself. It isn't your fault she treats people the way she does. Maybe someday she will attempt to right her wrongs, but for now all we can do is pray that the veil is somehow lifted from their eyes.

Thank you both. It really helps to be acknowledged. I don't speak of this outside of these forums (except to my husband, but it upsets him that I have been hurt so I keep it to a minimum). I do hope for a happy ending to this. I do love her. I always will.

Sometimes I think I'm just being overly sensitive, but when I read the descriptions of HPD I'm almost positive they describe my mother. I'm in my 40's now and live on the opposite side of the country from her, but having her around sets off anxiety for me. And for the time being, I need to have her around from time to time to stay with my son (age 12) while I travel for work.

It sounds so petty when I describe the problems, but drives me absolutely batty. She's quite theatrical -- everything is overplayed for impact, and then she'll look around to see who was watching/listening. Often, I can tell that I'm the one she's trying to impress because she'll actually turn and watch me for my reaction to something going on, rather than the actual thing going on. Honestly, I'm constantly being watched and copied. If we're at a restaurant and I order before her, she will ALWAYS just sigh and close her menu and order the same thing as me. Even when I order something I know she doesn't like. If there's a 3rd party around talking with me, she'll often participate in the conversation by repeating the exact same thing I just said, immediately after me, so it's like we just happened to have the exact same thing at the exact same time.

She's not sexualized in the typical sense though. She likes to dress and do her hair dramatically (hairstyle being exactly the same style as one of her sisters). But she's enmeshed with my brother, who is (go figure) 37, single and never even been on a date). He lives in his own house a couple of miles from my parents, which she bullied him into getting even though he can barely afford it, but she'll just stop by whenever she feels like it -- to clean, reorganize, decorate, use the bathroom, etc. like it's her second home. She treats him like her husband, and my dad like he's an annoying chore. It's not sexual, but it's creepy. She sexualizes my son as well, telling me that (of course, when I'm out of town) he tries to touch her breasts and asks her questions about sex that supposedly require detailed answers, and that he looks at porn on her phone and iPad and she knows because he leaves the tabs open. But for many years apparently she made my son either sleep in bed with her or on the floor of the bedroom while I was out of town or he was staying at my parents' house, "to keep an eye on him during the night." I put a stop to that immediately when I found out about it.

My mom also has no boundaries when it comes to me, never has. When I was young, she'd frequently call me into the bathroom to have "talks" with her while she was in the bathtub. Now, when she visits, she'll sleep in my bedroom, in my bed -- even though I have a perfectly good guest room -- because my bed is the most comfortable one she's ever slept in. And she'll reorganize. I've lost bills because she put them "away" and I never found them again. She'll "do my laundry" and then "end up" reorganizing my closet and dresser and things in boxes in the garage for something to do and a way to justify obvious snooping.

I'm a pretty private person, and quite independent. I think this situation with her has made me almost pathologically so. I spent 10 years in an abusive marriage right out of college (undiagnosed BPD, I think. But he checked himself into the hospital after I left him as a ploy to get me to come back and was released 3 days later with a diagnosis of BP2 without anyone ever talking to the person who lived with him). I'd rather talk to him than my mother, any day. And she has painted him so black (We've been divorced for 13 years now) that I still feel like I have to defend him whenever he comes up. But of course, now she has realized that she also has PTSD (amazing), from the nuclear bomb drills they did in school during the Cuban Missle Crisis. Oh, and she's also afraid of my son's "aggression" now too, and so she's incapable of providing any discipline in my absence with anything but passive-aggressive fits. he avoids her by playing video games on his computer until all hours (2-3am on school nights). She rants and nags, and then eventually throws up her hands and goes to bed ("Your mom can just deal with it when she gets home!"). And then the next day they'll go to the store and she'll buy him a new game.

It's completely maddening, and I know I need to come up with another solution for my son's care when I'm out of town. This can't just be me, my mom's sister has commented on it to me. As have my friends, who are creeped out by her Facebook stalking. Any resources or tips would be seriously appreciated.