Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Hey shimtie,

You are welcome to start a "New Topic" here regarding your experience. This topic/thread was created long ago, and it is fine to use, but other users may not read it. Your own New Topic will stand out more, increasing the odds of a reply.

As for your experience, while we cannot diagnose here, if she does HPD, then what you described matches what others have written who are (or have been) in a relationship with someone with HPD.

All of that idealization and intense focus on you was no doubt initially is very compelling, a big ego booster. Also because people with HPD may mirror others, that can feel like 'I've met my match'.

Over time though, as you experienced, yea, that changes. This is hard to accept, because that idealization of us seemed so meaningful, and the implications of seeing the truth is a bitter pill to swallow.

I think it's near impossible for most people to conceive of what life would be like to have an obsessive compulsive need/want for attention, and the more the better, from almost anyone. Of course we all need/want some attention, but it doesn't drive us to the point of exclusion of nearly all else, or cause us to forget those who are important to us just to get another fix of attention. I wrote fix, because it really is like a drug addict who constantly needs more to get that same high, and so they more they get, the more addicted they become. For the person with HPD, their drug is attention. The people who provide attention matter less than the attention itself.

From your point of view, yes, it is understandable why that hurt you.

Again, feel free to start a new topic.

Oh, thanks for responding back then. Here I am 12 mos later contemplating what happened back then. Life has gone on, anyway. Healing has been non-linear and not as fast as I'd like. Uhuh yes, it sure hurt. It is like being objectified and valued for the attention/validation and comfort etc. I could provide but shocking lack of attunment on her part re. my actual, normal needs as the other person in the relationship. It's like, come on, there are TWO of us, I shouldn't have to be THAT invisible.

Sometimes I felt liked, appreciated, adored. Other times I only got her disgust and contempt. So instead of trying to "balance" those in my mind, basically I realized that NO I dont' need poison in my life and the "good moments" don't magically outweigh the poison.

She had active unaddressed emotional pain of her own and kept functioning poorly over and over, having disregulation/meltdowns on simple outings with me. And both of our breakups were in recent past. So. I mean...it wasn't an ideal setup for a happy relationship. Oh so disappointing.

I'm using HPD as a kind of keyword for obvious traits she had without being able to diagnose her. She refused to open up re. whatever she was being treated for but admitted concerning things re. mental health history. Very guarded. There were putative secrets, i.e. stuff I knew from other sources that she would simply shut down and refuse to discuss, as though she herself couldn't stand thinking or speaking about them.

I was considering the events that brought me into that relationship and how the dysfunction was apparent, and moreover how I was so obviously ignoring it instead of addressing. I'm literally PROMISING myself to just bring it up if another woman does the kinda things she was doing. I'm too bought into some kind passive-gentleman script so I am left to stew when stuff I don't like is going on. I fear being abandoned if I speak up.

I wonder when I'll really get over it; it feels like a bereavement. I'm in therapy and moving on with other aspects of life. I fell in love with her and I don't know if I can do that again with another woman. But I can certainly imagine being in a better relationship because it's happen before. THIS one suuuuucked and hurt me bad, it's so hard to move on.

I do appreciate the info on this board re. grieving the relationship that was impossible with the person we imagined to exist, that was cathartic to read. You all are doing a great public service.


I'm loathe to start thread because then I'll tell the story in more details which will cause loss of confidentiality.

*EDIT: spelling