Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Just want to say thanks to everyone for the details of their experiences. I've been with my HPD for 14 years, been through counseling twice (couples & individual) and until now I couldn't put into words all the problems that HPD so clearly defined. Our previous marriage counselors were very very old and old school. So their only real "diagnosis" was extreme neorosis. Which, is a vague umbrella term that just like other things to a person suffering from HPD only helped for a short time. When it became routine she stopped going & was convinced she was cured. 4 years later she started seeing a psychiatrist again. Who, (as any good psychiatrist would in the beginning) told her she had some anxiety issues. Which, she of course thought was mild enough to just stop going. So, here I still am. Round & round we go. The "Theatrical" portion of this disorder is the true eye opener for me. Because, we've had so many instances in our past where I've asked "why are you acting so fake?" & "Stop pretending we're in a movie scene". I've actually cought her directly stealing full movie quotes & her reply when I confronted her was "well it directly applies to our life". I've got 3 sons, 2 with her. So, my obstacle is to do my best for them and if at all possible protect/prepare them the best I can. I'm truly exhausted but, I'm also extremely self motivated. If I weren't there's no way we'd have made it this far. I hope none of this comes off negative. I'm really not angry at her. I just want to understand this disorder the best I can & manage the damage if possible.

!@#@ wrote:I've been with my HPD for 14 years

You are obviously very lucky your relationship has survived that long. Based on my experience, I didn't think that was possible.

I think this forum is a bad idea.
Because it does not allow the exchange of opinions of the Non with the HPD.

JoseMaria wrote:I think this forum is a bad idea.
Because it does not allow the exchange of opinions of the Non with the HPD.

Nevertheless, the forum split remains for multiple inter-twined reasons including -

1.) Just as there are dozens of sub-forums on this site to support people with a specific disorder, illness, focus, etc., the HPD forum is for people with HPD to search for support, from their point of view.

2.) They are people with HPD, most of which are self-aware, hence why they sought a support forum. Though just words, just as someone with cancer would be triggered by someone referring them as 'Cancers' or 'the Cancer'. More generally, it's all too easy for someone who considers themselves to be a NON to take out their issues with a specific person in their life, on the people with HPD in the HPD support forum who have done them no wrong. While lack of closure and misdirected anger is understandable, the people with HPD seeking support on the HPD sub-forum are not here to be other's punching bags.

3.) Note, general questions about HPD are permitted in the HPD support forum, so long as they are generic, and respectful. Sadly, I cannot define for you exactly what is 'respectful' other than if the question is likely to trigger someone with HPD, then it's a no go. Sorry, when it comes to people there is always a grey area where the lines are drawn. If in doubt, post in this sub-forum.

4.) Here is the plus side for NONs - The scale is tipped in favor of the NONs in this sub-forum. In other words, questions and replies are permitted, from the NON's point of view, including topics that would be triggering for someone with HPD. Oh and the same applies in reverse, if someone with HPD finds the questions or replies triggering here, then avoid this sub-forum, and seek support in the HPD sub-forum.

5.) Note that this is an old thread, and though left open, it's generally better to start a new topic here. You may include "HPD" in the topic, and that can help to attract readers who share similar experiences. As always, the more specific and clear someone writes out their experiences and questions, the more likely they are to receive feedback.

Regards,
xdude

Excellent post xdude and 100% in agreeance. This applies to other Personality Disorder forums as well.

I would just like to emphasize a point. Our personality disorder forums are peer to peer support forums. People arrive in these forums with various degrees of self-awareness. They (the forum members) know they have challenges which leads to disturbances in their lives. They wish to discuss these challenges with people who struggle with similar issues.

Each forum has its own unique culture, but in general terms, they are not seeking opinions, criticisms, judgments, or "insight" into how they relate with nons or others. They have various degrees of awareness in these areas. Plus many have no interest in answering questions from nons who have been in relationship with someone with a similar disorder. This creates even more discomfort and this just leads to more problems. And we should not expect that they owe anybody that as well.

Each forum is unique, but what usually happens is that nons or others begin to debate and argue rather then to ask and listen and learn. Plus many nons are suffering and arrive in those forums with heightened emotions. Posting in personality disorder forums is a privilege and not a right.

However, if and when the pwPD do want those opinions (from nons), they will ask. These forums are voluntary, of course. And open to any person with honest intent.

We also recognize there are two sides to a relationship. And we understand that nons who engage in these relationships can be hurt and suffer as a result. These Relationship forums (also peer to peer)were created to allow nons and others to express their own pain points. And it is here, that nons receive support. If and when someone who has a disorder wishes to offer something they will arrive here and do just that.

Hi All

Just wondering how to deal with a histrionic person in a work context. We are really fed up and starting to dread going to work since this person brings drama pretty much all day long, making the environment really difficult for all the other who work there. I know this is not fixable, but there must be a way to deal with this and make this person accountable.

Thanks to anyone who can provide some advice.

euromelbourne wrote:Hi All

Just wondering how to deal with a histrionic person in a work context. We are really fed up and starting to dread going to work since this person brings drama pretty much all day long, making the environment really difficult for all the other who work there. I know this is not fixable, but there must be a way to deal with this and make this person accountable.

Thanks to anyone who can provide some advice.

Towards the end of my short term relationship with an HPD, confrontation from my end about truthful disclosure and reasonable responsibility for one's actions was the norm. The circular arguing, circular fighting, and patterned blaming of me for everything was the norm.

Eventually, I found Bill Eddy's writings about High Conflict Personality's very useful. Specifically, his BIFF strategy:

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/its-all- ... bill-eddy/

http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bi ... tile-email

Eddy shares some great time tried and field tested strategies for enforcing boundaries with a High Conflict Person. I apply the High Conflict Person to the HPD, b/c when confronted sh*t hits the fan.

Good luck.

Hi everyone! I'm new here, but I need your guy's help! I'd like to apologize in advance if any of this is offensive or triggering to anyone, but I want to share my story because I desperately need advice! So I fell in love with my college roommate who I believe has this disorder (not to diagnose her or anything but she does show a lot of the symptoms and behaviors, and even if she doesn't have it, most apply to her). We're both girls, and coming from a closed society, she identifies as straight but has shown signs of not being straight, especially towards me (again, I have no authority in defining her sexuality or anything about her but coming from a similar background I can understand why she would be in denial and I guess I'm biased because our mutual friends keep saying that there is a clear vibe between us and that possibly got in my head). Anyway, since we met about a year ago she has always been very sexual and lovey-dovey towards me, and I never did or would take advantage of that, but it did lead me on for a long time. We were together literally all the time and we did grow really close. I value our friendship so much, especially since I don't have that many close friends here and she was my best friend. I recently told her how I felt because it was eating me inside and she didn't take it well. She essentially ran away and took no responsibility for anything. She told me that she was actually angry at me for telling her because I had ruined the friendship, completely disregarding what I have been feeling for so long. It broke my heart. We're living together next year as well and I feel like that's going to be awkward for everyone since she doesn't seem to want to face this or continue the friendship. I'm really sad and worried about it, and I want to make it better because we're not on great terms right now. I would never forgive myself if I lost her, she means a lot to me and I want to help her and myself without putting too much pressure on her. When I try to talk about it, which is how I'm used to dealing with things, she shuts me down every time, and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable because I understand that this situation is. So, my question is, how do I approach this in ways that she will respond to?

Well, I don't have the strength or time to give the full story of my angst filled relationship but I must say lurking this forum was cathartic as I realized I needed to let my girlfriend go.

We sort of knew each other for a few years but we were both otherwise committed to others. Yet there was a magnetic attraction and special one on one times. Of questionable propriety on her part (my SO was aware, not totally happy, but I told her what was up). Reflecting on this, I realize I was in a bad place; my existing relationship was already dead I was very alone and I was looking to her for things missing in that.

Anyway. As friends I saw the fascinating charming and fun side of her. Once we were both available, dating her I realized (as I already had suspected) that something was off. I'm sickened by the possibility that one of my motivations was to "help" her.

Even as friends, and moreso as we became a couple, I was very much a doormat. Before, when we were just friends, I felt I couldn't demand anything or complain about anything because I had hidden feelings for her (well, I did express some) that didn't seem appropriate between two attached persons.

Anyway. So. As a couple. There were a bunch of very unique and special things that happened between us. She's very creative. We had a creative and spiritual connection. Some shared interests. Although, not as shared as I thought. She seems to be exploring many activities and interests, and her interest in the shared activity diminished.

Also, as a couple, we started doing things in public more. And this is where I began to see a troubling pattern. VERY friendly, creating an "intimate" vibe with strangers, big hugs, over-the-top flirtatiousness. Walk into a bar, and her eyes are rolling all over the place examining everyone. Things failed to progress.

This is so very painful to say given the connection I thought we'd established but I'm just gonna blurt it out. She started going out a lot without including me, telling me what she'd been up to only after the fact. Dancing in bars at night. Drinking. She had initially given me the impression that she didn't drink much (which is my practice), but as I got closer to her I realized that she and her new friends are into it. She has a constantly shifting cast of characters in her life. Started mentioning her male harem in conversation in a way that made me uncomfortable/insecure.

Moods. Oh the moods. She would lay down on the ground in front of her apartment; later she gleefuly mentioned the reactions she gets when she acts like that. (GAH) Very interested in other's emotional reactions to her in general. Theatrical, yes very much so. You get where you wonder how much was an act vs. how much was real. Painful, painful.

I almost lost myself. Inconsistent in scheduling. Invalidating (she started deriding, ridiculing me in public and private). She'd suddenly be INTO IT and all happy if I asked her to something that would entertain her. But ignoring/rejection, in a rude way, if not. So I felt like I was just existing for her entertainment. This happened when I was out with her sometimes, too. It really stung because it's demeaning to be asked to be her clown when I thought she respected and appreciated me.

Other men. So many other men. She flirted with each and every penis she saw. She had this "mode" she'd go into, where she would seem so available and totally focused on a dude. I just had to wait it out until she was finished. I literally felt invisible sometimes; we sat in a cafe once and she spent the entire time talking to this one dude nearby that she knew, all gooey, touching him on his arm.

I was so disappointing, basically dissociating on the way home. It was ridiculously awkward. Speechless. I brought it up later and she was like, oh that was a long time ago.

Her admirers would yell from cars, wave, run up to her. If I met her around her work, it was a 50% chance that she'd be into it with some dude at her building, spilling his guts about his life or other non work related topics.

So I didn't feel good about myself a lot of the time in this short relationship (that felt longer since it transitioned from friendship), because I was resenting this behavior, while being madly attracted, and ultimately, in love with her for a bit.

There's got to be some deep seated reasons I was drawn to such an invalidating relationship. I do think that the occasional put-downs followed by intense "positive" intimate moments were disorienting in the EXACT same way as my relationship with my dad. Maybe I wanted to "win" it this time. So cliche I know.

I wouldn't have given this a chance if it was always bad. If it was always bad I would have avoid all this pain! Hah. There were times she was really there for me supporting me in tough personal moments.

But in the end I couldn't take the poison. She wasn't willing to look at herself and the connection between her words and behavior, and the way it affected me. After two or three conversations about stuff that was hurting me, she deflected and gave me . Believe me, I wasn't bitching constantly. It was more like, after being a doormat few a few years' on-off occasional contact as a friend, and a few months of dating, I started asserting myself, and all she could do was deflect deny minimize.

She did say I should "teach" her, and if I did so it would make her life better blah blah. (I think someone else on this forum had a similar experience). A couple days later she managed to sort of retract all that by saying something like, nice to see your relief getting all that off your chest. Heh, yah um that's not the point.

She often trivialized or negated my perceptions and attitudes about things. For example if I related a nice travel experience or my perception of a conversation with someone else. Or if I wanted to change something we were doing together, start a new activity, whatever. It would leave me speechless and closed down. I stopped wanting to share my life with her. Sad so sad. I could say so much more. This girl was real special to me and I wanted to make her my world. But that would be a very, very big self destructive mistake.

There was sarcasm and ridicule. Inconsistent communication. She said she wanted to improve on that (she did temporarily then back to the usual).

She may not be over the Ex. She kept communicating with him (and at least a few other guys) during this time.

Incapable of having a serious conversation about anything. She would either make jokes/trivialize so the convo couldn't happen or get spitefully hateful and withdrawing. Impossible to know whether she was serious about anything.

I got the impression that the early good times were "as good as it gets" and it would be push/pull inconsistent behavior, other men involved etc. ad infinitum. Because of her history (she clearly did it with the previous BF too).

Odd thing is in the midst of this, she was talking about going on trips with me and hinting at moving in together. I think she has absolutely no clue what a healthy relationship is. I would NEVER move in with someone in this state of affairs.

Ultimately I realized things just couldn't progress. I'm sure I wasn't perfect but I don't think she has what it takes to create a safe secure fun healthy relationship, as much as she says she wants those things. I broke up with her recently. I didn't relish it but it was affecting my own mental health and I want to live and grow. Sometimes going home after seeing her, I felt reeeeal bad and hopeless (I won't get into the details).

Just curious whether this board is active anymore.