Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

by **jeni** » Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:18 pm

My post break up experience

Shock (lesbian couple) After telling me the last time she slept with a man was 2003, I found out she was having an 8+ year affair with a married man (20 yrs older) and she's fb friends with his whole family (wife and 2 daughters). She feels she's not harming the kids. Says its been over for 2 years BUT they still text, call, "I miss you" I love you" oxoxo...so yeah right its over.

1st week Disgusted at her behavior but wandered if there was any chance she might be telling the truth. Meanwhile she tried very hard to convince me that we were "meant" to be and that she's never felt this way for anyone and that we could work this out.

2nd week I went with her to her therapist. She cried and went into how messed up her child hood was and that she disassociates. Funny, she saw her therapist 2 years ago but didn't tell her about the affair until now. Told me she was telling the truth, that it was over. I told her I didn't believe her. Her therapist told her I believe you" (wtf)?

She follow the week by calling begging and acting like everything was fine. And that we could work this out. I asked her how do you suppose we could work this out? What's your game plan? Her response, "I dunno, meditate, spend less time together" Are you freaking kidding me? If I had any doubt before "BAM", no more doubt, we are DONE.
Emotionally I was exhausted...drained, I wanted this over. I was confused but then simply asked myself if I was happy? NO. Time to leave this mess. I called her and told her I made my decision, she couldn't believe it and hung up saying "fine, come get your $#%^". She had very shallow emotions. That was one of the first things I Googled, hysterics, anxiety, and sudden anger.

3rd week I picked up my stuff, she cried a little (no hysterics) almost seemed fake. She tells me "we're just not there", I agreed (funny but this is how 2 of her exes broke up with her (recycling). We said goodbye. She texted a couple of time to give me a status report on cashing a check for money she owed me. No more begging on her part.
Emotionally, I'm a mess. I'm angry and sad and felt like a fool. I block her and her friend on fb.

4th week I'm better. Emotionally more stable, not so angry, but miss the illusion.
When I'm stuck in thinking of her and the relationship, I just tell myself "It was all an illusion" and that brings me back to reality.
I haven't heard from her which is good but in all honesty, part of me hoped she would (all in the name of illusion)

I'm in therapy, exploring the relationship I had with my HPD mom and sure enough that sense of love and security a child is suppose to have growing up was an "illusion" too. I'm starting to get my role in all this. My attempts at earning/ winning love. My need to replicate my childhood in attempt to try to change the outcome.
I'm working on healing myself. I'm working on being kind to myself. I'm letting go of guilt and shame since they were born out of illusion. I'm working on setting better boundaries.

By the way, I didn't realize my ex was an HPD until I joined this forum. This forum made me strong by validating my gut sense. I hope that next time, I listen to my gut without the need for validation.

Thank you all

I'm at the forgive or not to forgive point. I just ended what I thought were 2 good friendships from where i used to work, and where the HPD in my life continues to hold a job. The HPD made accusations of me that cost me a job of 16 yrs. These "friends" tell me I'm too difficult to be around b/c I still revisit my relationship and subsequent firing thanks to the HPD, even tho it is 3 yrs ago. I realized that contact with them caused me to revisit the old memories. I now know that forgiveness is the next step. Do I contact the HPD and inform her she is forgiven, or just forgive? The HOD has taken out Personal Protection Orders in the past, but repeatedly violated them by calling me and my wife, leaving her phone # on my caller ID each time. I know those calls were bait to provoke me.

by **jeni** » Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:08 pm

NO CONTACT!

The act of forgiving is for you to move on. You don't have to tell her you forgive her...she can't take it in anyway. By contacting her you're asking for attention. Why would you want to stir crap up with your wife. Has she forgiven you?

Let it go already.

by **mareyjean** » Fri Nov 05, 2010 1:00 am

I am not sure where to post this. I am going to reply just to get started. My husband's ex fits the profile for HPD to a tee. It is easy for me to just walk away at this point because he is so tired of her that he has lost all compassion. I can't begin to get in to all of the drama we have experienced over the past 7 years! The worst of it all is that her two oldest children live with us (full-time) and are having so much anxiety over her. The oldest is 12 and has "outgrown" her mom when away from her, but reverts back to baby-talk and almost flirtatious or competitive behavior when around her. The youngest (of our two) is 10 and has anxiety attacks for a week to a month after any contact with her. They both tell lies and say because she does. They say they hate her, but they will only act loving toward her when she is around. They cry when they have to see her and when they return. They don't confront her because she yells at them and calls them liars (even if it is so obvious that she is lying she never admits this). There has been so much neglect that we very rarely talk to her at all, which makes the kids feel guilty. What does someone recommend?

by **mabpac** » Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:00 pm

Thanx Jeni. I know No Contact is the only way, but the difficulty associated with terminating a couple of long term friendships, in part due to their support of the HPD and their dismissal of me, got me thinking. No Contact is the mantra

by **wisdom** » Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:35 pm

Found this extreemly inspiring post by Watchman for Nons: I believe in you so I post it here in the "sticky" area where people who are new to the forum are likely to easily find it.

If you have a "general" comment on this It would be best to post it only to the original thread located here: histrionic-personality/topic56748.html so we can keep the very most concentrated help for people in these persistent sticky threads, right up front. These threads have the icon of the light bulb with the explanation symbol in them - right at the top of the forum and don't scroll off over time.

People new to the forum often find it very difficult locating material most directly relevant to their current needs. There is just too much to wade through. To the extent we keep these sticky forums as the very top level / most helpful material to others, the better. They serve as our"Front Door" here, and can provide great "index" links to additional topics and general discussions.

Down deeper in the forum, in many of our longer threads, things admittedly go way off track from the original poster's (hopefully) highly focused, initial Subject caption. Some of those postings would have been best "hived off" at the point where making a departure to an essentially new Subject. If your intent is to capture interest and attention onto a highly personal issue, or to get more focus on yourself vs. making a solid contribution to the original poster's subject or original poster's condition, its better to start a fresh topic. Thread "hijacking" may seem expedient at that time but try to have some mercy on the people who come in behind you.

Other threads are sometimes prematurely broken - particularly individual case histories that show movement and progress over time (complete with occasional set backs of course). Its very helpful to new users (HPDs and Nons alike) to see the longitudinal "trajectory" of a single poster over a several month period, or even several year period as they wrestle with and ultimately push back the troubles. Therapy and/or the intense self help process takes some time, so its really great for others to be able to see what level of effort was required, how, and when things progressed.

OK I've even violated my own suggestion of not diverting too much in a thread with the above.... :cry:

So, with that hopefully not too divergent "housekeeping" note, back to the original focus of this thread - Support for Nons

Orion's great comment sets the stage for Watchman's really moving one...

orion8591 wrote:Watchman

You are at the calm and mindful place I am trying to get to. In between the words of your post I can see you farther on up the trail, waving at all of us, encouraging us on in the midst of our fatigue and sorrow.

Thanks
Orion

Watchman wrote:I believe in HPDs. From what I see lurking here there has been a great increase in positive posts/feelings to them and I wanted to add to that beauty.

I recently tossed out the last mementos from time spent with my HPD. My wounds are healed. I have NO ill will towards her. She is out of my life 100% now. I do not think we will ever cross paths again -- no need, to be honest. She can give me no more closure than I have found in myself.

I had a very vivid dream last week where I saw her and she had 'healed' in some sense. She had become a mature responsible young adult who was helping others. Volunteering and teaching. It was like the bad darkness she once had had faded away, melted, and she was anew made only of her good parts from prior.

She asked me to help them with her.

It was lovely because I have not seen her or talked to her for quite some time. It felt like she was in my life, only positively in the best way, for a brief few moments. The true goodness I saw deep in her and that I KNOW was there when she was in my life surfaced so brilliant like a star. She was a beautiful ray of light. A ray of hope, goodness and love to those near. A ray of warmth she had been denied in her life.

God I really loved her.

I wonder if in the future I will ever discuss her. With who and for what reason? I have no need to ever talk about it. And to be honest I can let it sit where it is. Rehash it in the future? Why the need.

I thought it would be much more difficult than it was (getting rid of the last bits).

I kept the last few items for a long time. Small things. The last few tokens of our last days spent together. I mean very small things that I was extremely attentive to. I wish so bad I could have held onto her - that love and vulnerability that she brought forth in me. It was not because she was HPD -- it was because it was her. HPD was just a side of who she was to me, not the whole. She made me vulnerable. Not HPD. Not power. Not games. Not the sickness she developed as being part of our (at times) ###$ up world.

Before I destroyed the photos on garbage day I looked at them and saw a different person. Gone was the girl I fell in love with. The girl I had a rollercoaster of emotions with. The girl I loved then hated (repeated many times). The girl I would have devoted my life to. I simply saw a person. Neither good or bad. Just a person. A total detachment. And it is only now that I believe I am done with her.

It can take eons to get to this point. Ages to finally get here. And you never know when you will arrive. You just want the pain and wounds to end. But they do.

As unbelievable as this sounds, TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. I wish I could offer you a more personalized expression, or something that could lift away your pain. I do. I really do. Because words seem so fruitless. Actions are where it counts in life. We are not our hopes dreams or emotions, but our actions and only that.

During my healing I never WANTED to get to this day -- the day of disconnect. The day where I let her go. I FOUGHT this very moment. I held on like a baby animal at the mothers tit. I had strong codependency issues and looked to others for my own sense of validation and direction; things I now define boldly on my own.

They (HPD) are not demons. They are hurt people first and foremost. For the longest time I held great anger towards them (I have known a handful in life). When coming away from them it can feel like you loved an illusion, that you were not loving them and more. Total doubt re: love. The truth is that they are lovable. If I can distill one single piece of advice it would be that in a world which does not listen, the one way you can help both her and you is to do just that: listen. Listening is the first and most important step in love. Listening is the most important step towards relationships of any kind. Something so fundamental that was so much denied in their youth. If you listen they may know you care. The great thing about care is that its contagious. Its beautiful and viral. Your care and attentiveness can be warmth for them. Some day they may each blossom into that warmth ray of light and may warm others along in life journey. We all have it in us.

Just be patient. And realize that if you fall, you can get back up. I cannot count how many times I have fallen down to climb back up. Dust yourself off, take a breather, realign with your goals and objective for recovery/better life/and go for it. You have good days and bad. Neutral days and absent ones. But as other posters say, baby steps...

I hope to generate more positive in life than negative, so thats where I am coming from.

I hope I can lend an ear or word to HPD, non and others alike once in awhile.

Pain sucks. No one denies that. And everyone suffers it. We just suffer different types, depending on which side of the fence we are on. But we still suffer, as do they. No ones pain is greater, more deserving or otherwise: just take the facts of human suffering. That enough is reason to try to help one another. (I am not saying to give it your all; if you are damaged from an HPD relationship then I absolutely think healing is essential, first, before you can help others)

Love and peace to all. May angels lift your pain and watch over you.

by **Amalia** » Sat Dec 25, 2010 7:21 am

serialmom wrote:I would like to know where to go online or in a bookstore for tools on how to deal with with people who have HPD, specifically family. Forgive me if this has been posted somewhere, I am new and still learning my way around.

NEED HELP!

Sorry,I don't know where to post.
Years ago,I've been diagnosed with a personality disorder...The thing is I don't know which one (When the shrink told me about it I was shocked,raging,furious)
I've never been given any particular explanation.
I know something is terribly wrong with me. I haven't been able to work for a very long time. I've been ill with major depression to and fro for my whole adulthood. I'm thinking a lot about suicide...
To cut it short I was severely bullied in school for eleven years (for being ugly and stupid).
I've been raped.
I survived breast cancer.
I have two children.
I've been an awful mother.I really feel sorry for my children. I'm sorry they had to grow up with such a dysfunctional parent.
Referring to a psychiatrist I do have histrionic- and narcissistic traits.
I'm in my fourties.
My life is nothing but medication,guilt,shame,self-blame.
I've had many short love affairs.
I've been arrogant in behaviour to people.
I've hurt my beloved children very much.
Mostly, I worry about the bad impact I've had on them.They're adolescent.I know I have embarassed them and myself many times.
I'm very afraid of being misdiagnosed. I meet some of the criteria for BPD,but I don't injure myself.
I'm all alone and confused.
I prefer to cry on my own.
When depressed,I don't want to leave my flat.
SOMEBODY HELP ME,PLEASE!

I

by **trents** » Sun Dec 26, 2010 4:40 pm

Forgive me if I`m posting in the wrong place. I watched a video portrayal of HPD over at youtube the other day and it set off some bells for a former friend of mine. The video is here if you want to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UvZxSp3UGI

At the time of our friendship, I knew there was something wrong with her but I didn't know about HPD. Over the course of two years I found it increasingly difficult to "manage" our friendship because of her behaviour, and then I got to the point where I realized that friendships are not something to be "managed", and I detached myself from her. It was very difficult because I cared about her, but she drove me absolutely nuts and somehow had managed to take over my life.

Reading some of the posts here in this HPD forum makes me feel pretty sad. I hope she's ok, and I've never been happy with how our friendship ended. I basically went from "Please stop calling me 5 times a day" to "I need a few weeks break from you" to "please don't call me again" and then I avoided her until I never talked to her again. I'm sure my way was hurtful and I feel bad, but I knew I couldn't "fix" her and I couldn't tolerate being her friend any longer. It's sad.

I did tell her toward the end that she needed to get professional help, and she was very angry, but she said she knew she needed help but she did not trust psychologists. So that was that. I could give examples of things she did and said, and you would think she is definitely HPD gone wild, but I don't know if that would be helpful to anyone here. I can see that people with HPD are dealing with something bigger than themselves, and I'm sure it must be painful. I know my friend hurt me a lot, and I feel sad that I put up with so much emotional abuse for so long. At the same time, I really hope she has been able to get some help since we last spoke.

by **tenderisthenight** » Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:59 am

I was wondering how people find the opinions the HPD users give... Although I find some are complete gems, there are others who I find, and from the experience with my own HPD, are inclined to go against any opinion of a non. In some cases, it seems totally useless reading their replies, as they project lies, which can be very misleading.

by **mtlarue** » Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:17 am

After reading this thread I realize that there is a reason I have had some HPD friends, I have a friend now who is clearly some type of personality disorder-afflicted, and I have a ton of pets -- I think I have an overactive nurturing need.

Thank goodness for this forum. In no way do I want to enable anyone or cause anyone to get worse, which is something I posted in another forum. As I go farther into my education I find I don't need to feel needed as much, but I do enjoy helping others.

I love you guys.

Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Re: Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

Who is online