Support for Non-Histrionic Personality Disorder

New thread just for Non HPD's.
Keep it as positive as you can, and I wish everyone all the Best!

I love how there's no posts in this. Really embodies the tone of the forum.

I would like to know where to go online or in a bookstore for tools on how to deal with with people who have HPD, specifically family. Forgive me if this has been posted somewhere, I am new and still learning my way around.

The pain I feel right now runs so deep it's completely taking me over. I feel this sort of over-arching ominous pain. I have so many questions but no answers. I'm almost afraid to post my story because of my fear that my story actually fits in this forum. I am so emotionally drained, hurt, frustrated, confused and angry. I think I was fairly healthy before this relationship. It has stolen my soul. I am completely alone. I'm even afraid to talk about it anonymously with a group of strangers. Maybe its me? Maybe its her? I don't know what happened to the old me.

Imafool - well you're not a fool! You sound perfectly normal with perfectly normal reactions to what could be an HPD relationship. Please tell your story, it will help you, and there are many wise people on the forum who can advise. I have been where you are now and can only say that time and understanding HPD will help.

ImAfool wrote:The pain I feel right now runs so deep it's completely taking me over. I feel this sort of over-arching ominous pain. I have so many questions but no answers. I'm almost afraid to post my story because of my fear that my story actually fits in this forum. I am so emotionally drained, hurt, frustrated, confused and angry. I think I was fairly healthy before this relationship. It has stolen my soul. I am completely alone. I'm even afraid to talk about it anonymously with a group of strangers. Maybe its me? Maybe its her? I don't know what happened to the old me.

Sounds like me too. What has helped me (I just got to the forum and don't know if I'm dealing with an HPD yet, but I'm pretty sure) has been to re-assert my sense of self-reliant individuality (which was extremely well-developed prior to the relationship) and refuse to take any more BS. Call them out on it their own BS without fear of what comes next. You have to admit and understand that there are certain things you can control and certain things you can't. Don't worry about what you can't control - focus on being who you want to be and need to be in order for you to be happy. I found myself constantly trying to "manage the relationship". That is a road to nowhere. Manage yourself b/c in any relationship that is all one is truly capable of.

I can't give any advice on working through things or getting out as I have just dipped my toe into the water on HPD. Best of luck.

Quoted from "How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You"
By Dr. Ben Kim on Mar 10, 2009 Emotional Health and Well-Being
http://drbenkim.com/blog/2006/07/how-to ... -hurt.html


"...when you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.

I understand and agree with the idea that forgiving others is more about your peace of mind then it is about their feelings. You don't have to make it known to those who have hurt you that you have forgiven them.

The issue is learning how to transcend the hurt, how to get to a place in your heart and mind where the hurt is no longer holding you back from fully caring for others and allowing yourself to be cared for by others.

Is it possible to truly forgive all transgressions?

...How do you forgive someone who spread vicious and humiliating lies about you?

...How do you forgive someone who has sucked the joy out of your life through his or her selfish, and ill-tempered behavior...?

Maybe complete forgiveness is impossible in some cases. Maybe hurt that you have encountered is so bad that you will suffer to some degree until you pass on because you will always be angry at the people who hurt you.

If you are determined to find a way to free yourself of the burden of chronic anger, no matter how badly you have been hurt, there is one powerful and effective exercise that I can recommend.

It's to sit or lie in a quiet place and imagine your tormentors as they were when they were babies or young children. Visualize these people one at a time, and really take time to feel the realities of their lives as toddlers.

Babies are not born with a distinct desire to hurt others physically or emotionally. They are born craving love and protection. Visualize what your tormentors were like when they did nothing but crave love and protection.

If you work at realizing how pure and innocent your tormentors once were, you may come to a point where it becomes clear that their hurtful acts as older children or adults likely stem from their own wounds...

If you know of another effective way of bringing yourself to forgive people who have hurt you badly, I would appreciate you sharing.... Your thoughts on this topic may make a significant difference in another person's life.

Thank you..."

Thank you for posting that, Orion.

I am trying to "transcend the hurt." I have always been a very forgiving person, but in this case I don't know if forgiveness is possible. I prefer to think of it as coming to terms with that (former) relationship. I think you must accept that you have no control over the situation and move on as best you can. I don't think she deserves my forgiveness. Is it possible to come to terms and move on without forgiving? Maybe it's just too soon for me to forgive.

Is there a non-HPD out there who can honestly say they've completely forgiven their HPD? How can one forgive someone who so drastically altered their life?

marin wrote:Thank you for posting that, Orion.

I am trying to "transcend the hurt." I have always been a very forgiving person, but in this case I don't know if forgiveness is possible. I prefer to think of it as coming to terms with that (former) relationship. I think you must accept that you have no control over the situation and move on as best you can. I don't think she deserves my forgiveness. Is it possible to come to terms and move on without forgiving? Maybe it's just too soon for me to forgive.

Is there a non-HPD out there who can honestly say they've completely forgiven their HPD? How can one forgive someone who so drastically altered their life?

The issue of forgiveness involves guilt, no? This is the central issue: can HPD's change, or at least control their behavior? We all hope so, but not always, at least in the beginning. So then are they really guilty of something? We can be angry, but rational anger is properly directed at people who can choose right conduct but don't.

Our anger, then, should be properly be diffused at all the guilty:
(1) at her cold alientaing mom
(2) at her overly close dad
(3) at other family members who didn't do 'something,' when they should have
(4) at her, for not following up on those little voices to see a shrink
(5) at all the members of her fan club for enabling her
(6) at yourself for enabling her
(7) at western mass marketing for disseminatin histrionic personality styles which might contribute to the formation of HPD
(a la the bio-pyscho-social model of etiology)
(8) SO MANY THINGS CONTRIBUTE TO HPD anybody or anything else I forgot?

I'm not trying to chide you or any other non who has suffered due to the manipulation and narcissism of an HPD (I have too), but do you see how complicated this is? It's not really possibly for another to say what an HPD has control of, and what she doesn't. If she commits murder, we judge her actions, not her, and put her in prison or even execute her (execution is the ultimate form of incapacitation). Incarceration and vengeful punishment are two different things.
That's why I think anger leaves you empty handed and it's better to try to forgive (but as okherewego once said, we don't need to simultaneously forget).

Hey, everybody -- first-time poster. I know we're supposed to keep it positive, and I know that histrionics are in pain themselves, and that all the BS comes out of their loneliness and fear, and that forgiveness has amazing therapeutic properties, and I also know that I'm not really objective right now 'cause I just
"broke up" with my histrionic mom -- again -- so I'm a bit on the angry side right now, but here's the thing: Between the manipulation, reality-warping, lying, guilt-tripping and betrayal, histrionics can hurt you like no-one else can. I think it's important to let yourself be angry first -- and second, and third, and maybe even fourth and fifth, depending. You don't want to let the anger take up residence forever, but it certainly deserves to visit for a while. As far as not being angry with a histrionic because she "can't help it", that's bunk. A lack of accountability is, at least in my experience, a big part of the problem. The last thing any histrionic needs is more excuses. Besides, pain, hurt and anger aren't about logic. I burned my thumb on my exhaust pipe the other day, and I was furious with my motorcycle for a good minute and a half. This is a machine that's incapable of ill intent and that has brought me (almost) nothing but joy -- I still had to process that pain and anger before I could 'forgive' it. You can change your emotions by restructuring your perspective, but it's no good being so eager to forgive that we pass the bit where we honor our own feelings and perspectives. Like most things, as long as you don't let it turn toxic or chronic, anger serves a purpose, just like fear or love. The purpose of anger in this context is to give you the strength to stand up for yourself, re-establish your own sense of reality, and weather the guilt-storm that will be thrown at you. Forgive when you're ready -- or don't, if you can't, and maybe that's OK too. Just my two bits.