Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

LifeSong wrote:This site is intended to be a support forum offering support to everyone, those with mental health issues and those who interact with those with mental health issues (who may themselves have issues albeit different ones).
That's the (past) wonder of this place.
I miss the intellectual and even emotional exchanges between narcissists and non-narcissists.
I tire of reading post after post saying in so many words "I'm a narcissist and it is all glorious". Typically, that's a young narcissist who is well defended and life hasn't assaulted his narcissistic fortress yet.
I tire of reading post after post of women who either quickly wish to label their partner "a narcissist" as their own means of defending against their pain... or of women who have allowed someone to take over their life and then come to this forum and do more of the same as they quickly begin to kowtow to the narcissistic ploys.
There is health and even wisdom in having a mix of people here.
We all benefit from seeing ourselves as reflected through the eyes of others.
The 'weak' woman benefits from the strength of the stronger women and from hearing narcissists speak.
The younger narcissist might benefit from hearing from the older narcissist whose defenses have started to fail him.
There is value in having one's grandiosity challenged, and in having one's codependency challenged.
When the board swings in the way it has lately, it favors only one type of voice, and the other voices either don't speak or go off somewhere else.
And the narcissistic voices that are currently speaking are only one type of narcissistic voice and do not represent the fuller spectrum of narcissism. The picture that is being painted is using only 3 primary colors, and there are far more colors to narcissism in the palate.
This is NOT a board solely for narcissists, or for only one swath of narcissists.
When it becomes that (as it is now), it loses value, it loses depth, and it becomes boring. It is boring right now.

extremely well said

insincerity wrote:I think it's because in other PD forums the interactions between people with the PD and those without it were becoming tense, to the point that the moderators stepped in and made it clear that it was a support forum for those with the PD not for those involved with people with the PD to diffuse the tension, with threads such as this being made to make it easier for people to post things without "triggering" people with the PD.

Oh my. We won? How about that.

Ahhh it's like visiting one of the towns I grew up in as a child. PHBB2 looks nice

digital.noface wrote:

insincerity wrote:I think it's because in other PD forums the interactions between people with the PD and those without it were becoming tense, to the point that the moderators stepped in and made it clear that it was a support forum for those with the PD not for those involved with people with the PD to diffuse the tension, with threads such as this being made to make it easier for people to post things without "triggering" people with the PD.

Oh my. We won? How about that.

Ahhh it's like visiting one of the towns I grew up in as a child. PHBB2 looks nice

Won? You mean by virtue of a thread labeled Non_Narcissist Support? Ummm, that was an idea that some moderators tried (with good intentions) but it's been pretty much ignored by all. The idea that non-narcissists would be relegated to a tiny slice of forum space doesn't set well with me. It would defeat the purpose of why I participate on this board, in this forum, and I'm glad to see that it's been roundly ignored. Won? Ohhh, DNF, you wish, sweetie. You wish.

LifeSong wrote:Won? You mean by virtue of a thread labeled Non_Narcissist Support? Ummm, that was an idea that some moderators tried (with good intentions) but it's been pretty much ignored by all. The idea that non-narcissists would be relegated to a tiny slice of forum space doesn't set well with me. It would defeat the purpose of why I participate on this board, in this forum, and I'm glad to see that it's been roundly ignored. Won? Ohhh, DNF, you wish, sweetie. You wish.

But of course, Lifesong, you subsequent description was as always clear and true. This was never the purpose of the forum, is counter-intuitive to it's aims, and moreover simply not the reality 'on the ground'.

That said, the fact that there was an official ruling on the matter is certainly symbolic of a shift in climate. Further, the fact that this thread even exists means that reason and compromise is on the back-foot. I wonder who forced the issue down to a dichotomy between sufferers and victims? I'd like to read that thread- if it exists.

Though the only choice in such a dichotomy is the one that was made (i.e. when it comes down to it, this forum is for the mentally ill over those around the mentally ill)- I am astounded the premise was accepted. If all of this was due to increasing tensions between PD'd and normals, this whole thing could have been sidestepped with a bit of old-fashioned housekeeping; bring the hammer down and ban the troublemakers.

There has to be a point where one has to consider not everyone who comes here can be helped- that for the overall benefit of net 'support' for the community, only those that are able to be helped within the reasonable framework and tolerance of the community rules and standards will be accepted.

My, I sound fascist.

If this is not a place for us...the non-narcissistic person that has been terribliy hurt by a NPD person...then do you know of a place that is? To be honest...narcissist need people to prey on ...that being people such as myself..so why are not we a part of your disease, thererfore, allowed to be part of this process?

I was just looking for a place for some answers to my many unanswered questions....I have found this place where I am now understanding what has happened. If I can help just one other person..deal with their emotions due to being treated with such disrepect...then I will be a happy camper.

I came here to "Non-Narcissistic Support Thread" hoping to find somewhere I could ask questions and get advice for my boyfriend who's just broken ties with a narcissistic friend. Instead I'm finding people attacking each other in some whiney power-struggle and now I don't know where to go to ask about this. Narcissists and non-narcissists are just attacking each other for absolutely no reason and their clashing personalities are getting in the way of any real discussion, let alone "support" for non-narcissists. Yes, it's great that these forums are here as a haven for narcissists, but that is not the sole purpose of them. It's the same with all the other ones. The anxiety forums are not there solely for people with anxiety problems, and the addictions ones are not there solely for people with addictions. If that was the case, people who know someone with a problem would not be able to come here and ask questions in order to help the others in their lives. If this whole site was entirely one-sided, it would be useless to all of us.

I'd like to try this thread for its original purpose anyways, and see if any of you have some advice. My boyfriend's self-esteem has been battered to bits by this person (I'm not trying to attack the person or narcissists in general), he thinks he's a bad person, he's paranoid about coming across as an a**hole because of the times she's manipulated him into thinking he is, and he's lost his will to stand up to other people who mistreat him on any level. I know that, now she's out of his life, he'll perhaps gradually find himself again anyways, but I'd like to help him along because I love him so much, and he's had a stressful time lately with other aspects of his life which makes it hard for him to focus on himself. Any tips? Anyone here recovered from being in a relationship like that?

I saw the post by withoutabix; doesn't look very hopeful that you wrote in about 3 weeks ago and no response. I was hoping to find some insight, coping ideas, whatever. I've found a few of my own, but I can tell you this much, dealing with my soon-to-be-ex-husband-again makes me feel as if I've received a physical beating at times. At least I've learned this much from our exchanges in which he decides to assert himself, usually in a public forum such as Court, that he is my master: usually, whatever he does through arrogance and the need to prove himself the better person comes back on him many times worse. One time that I remember in particular is when he freaked out and thought I had taken his checks. He'd had me carted off to the hospital on an emergency detention because I was going to kill myself. His basis for claim? I said I wanted to "go home". He decided that meant I wanted to go to heaven and he notified the appropriate authorities. During the entire time of this event, none of the medical professionals I saw caught on to the fact that I was having panic attacks. Anyway, while I was being evaluated, a police officer came in and asked if he could check my belongings and told me the reason. I was afraid my husband might have planted his checks to get me in trouble, but I let him go ahead and search. No checks, and I'd been brought in by police. I guess he reported them to his bank as "lost or stolen", 'cause he started to get these $25 charges on checks he'd written various places. Even better, the merchants who were getting the dishonored checks were hitting him up for $25 and up. And of course, it was a matter of Mr. Perfect having written checks that he'd reported as having disappeared. I've come a long way from where I was put by the callous behavior of someone I thought loved me. I know I'm not crazy, but I felt like it for the longest time. I started taping and transcribing our conversations (over 200 pages worth). I can look back anytime I want and SEE how conversation (and relationship) deteriorated when I asserted myself or interpreted (usually fairly accurately) his actions. But I felt the same way you describe your boyfriend. In my experience, it took a while to get back anywhere close to my "normal" self. Being around decent people helped immensely. Trust is what goes: trust in yourself, trust in others, trust in the system. And when I say "decent", I've been treated by what some might call "hood rats" or something similar better than by my own husband (who is very racially and otherwise prejudiced, as I learned). Hang in there and don't give up. I also found a support group to be helpful, but not every single one is, just the same as therapy or other things. You can go a few times and see if the people there seem to be making some progress and heading in the right direction. Like NA, AA or similar, you want to be where people don't expect you to be perfect but expect you to be accountable for your behavior and choices. Where you can feel safe expressing your story. That was (is) very helpful, because it's really hard when you're trying to carry on at work and someone with NPD has just shattered your world with one of their vindictive, non-sensical actions. Don't really want to make a name for yourself as the one with problems like you get with that type relationship. I became a mentor and an advocate; when I realized that some people could appreciate my presence and input (and nobody seemed to recognize me as the lunatic/failure my NPD'er labeled me), I started to feel more connected to people again and enjoy what I was doing. Definitely hang in there. When you come out of it, you realize that anybody who has to turn another person into mincemeat to prove themself a "winner" isn't much of anything but a bully.

all normal is, is a setting on a washing machine.

New here and glad to find you! I will appreciate any help or info from any of you. I 'm trying to understand what is happening with my husband. Is a narcissist able to hide it for a while until he catches the woman?
Now that we're married he has shown a part of his personality that's making me very uncomfortable, and I feel he's attacking my self esteem. Yet he also claims to love me and feels he treats me very well. In many ways he does, but too frequently he feels a need to tell me how to do even simple things I can certainly do on my own, or to find a fault to correct in me, or to bring up a topic to "debate" with me and make sure he can give an entire lecture on it. I'm embarrassed when he starts a conversation with strangers and goes into a lectures about himself, the country where he grew up, and into how it's better than our country or how we would be nothing without them, etc. and basically how great he is. He also tells people he is a "Duke", the last living member of the former "royalty" of his country, and he's even made sure his "title" is on some legal documents. But he is not wealthy or very educated. He calls his technical certificates "degrees" and he's tried to have several businesses. He ended up losing the supposed "lots of money" he made, but blames that on his ex wives. He claims one of them was a psychiatrist and he has no idea why she divorced him I 've caught him telling me one version of a story, then another later, which means one of them is a lie. When I question it, he claims I have a hearing or mental problem, or just says "No, I didn't say that", but he did.
Now he claims I hid MY "mental problem from him and I have "mood swings for no reason. But the problem with me is I gt so stressed out over these actions of his and his trying to blame anything that goes wrong with us on me.
Really scary: When I said I want an annulment/divorce, he yelled, cried and threatened to commit suicide (Twice), saying I was ruining his life and taking away his reason to live. So I let him stay and prayed for some way to put up with him. How can I live with how he treats me like I'm retarded and he's entitles to have me as his slave and audience to his rambling.? Is it possible to ignore it? When I try to, he just keeps talking to himself or finds a stranger to lecture.

Is anyone married to a similar person? Help me cope. How do I save my sanity?

Is a narcissist able to hide it for a while until he catches the woman?

Yes, my H did this until we were married. The N will come across as too good to be true, because they are.

Yet he also claims to love me and feels he treats me very well. In many ways he does, but too frequently he feels a need to tell me how to do even simple things I can certainly do on my own, or to find a fault to correct in me, or to bring up a topic to "debate" with me and make sure he can give an entire lecture on it.

This sums up my very existence with my H. Whenever I have said something about him not spending time with his family he says "I am so good to you, you have no right to ever question the way I spend my time." He constantly tells me that I am doing everything wrong, from how I clean to how I watch my children, it is never good enough. The N is never satisfied, ever.

Now he claims I hid MY "mental problem from him and I have "mood swings for no reason. But the problem with me is I gt so stressed out over these actions of his and his trying to blame anything that goes wrong with us on me.

Yes, this is exactly what I have lived with for 12 years. He blames my disagreement on hormones, though. If I ever say that I am not happy with his behavior, it is because I am not thinking straight because I have such bad PMS-NOT!

I wish I could tell you how to cope, but I don't really do a good job myself. I try to love him and be good to him. I try to be truthful and honest, but at this point I am trying not to let him walk all over me and things are getting very difficult. I am not sure how this will go, but I know that talking with him has never helped. I just decided to live with it, but it sure is not easy. I pray a lot, that is for sure and probably need to pray more!!