Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

"I tried everything I could possibly think of, only to try to connect to this creature standing so close to me, completely emotionally unavailable. :I"

Such attempts will go ignored or rebuffed over and over, that's why ppl go NC with a disordered person. In the end ppl go NC, not because they want to abandon that person, but primarily to save their own sanity and remove themselves from the enmeshment tactics so common with a cluster b PD'd person. Try to remember the three c's--you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Question: Is there anything bad about being a Covert Narcissist?

If you are a covert, cognitive narcissist, or at least narcissistic tendencies... do you think there is anything wrong? Is there something you wish you could change. Is there something you wish you could change in yourself? Is there something you wish you could understand about other people, but you can't. Is their something missing...?

I am asking because my partner has several narcissistic tendencies. But I believe that he has C-PTSD, and I believe you can heal (not cure) from this, slowly, IF you are aware of it, AND you want to. He is drinking himself to death, and I would want him be aware of what the REAL reasons for this are, before it kills him. But I know he has to figure that out for himself. But before that, he has to question his own paradigm. I know it's a long shot. But if I give him a logical argument I know he will consider it.

I feel that my experiences with several NPDs has opened up my eyes to my own personality issues. I realized that I have been co-dependent with anxiety and a possible mood disorder, and have found great relief through Cognitive-Behavioral counseling. I have let go of any feelings for past relationships, positive or negative, and I feel in a weird way that these experiences actually helped me in the long run. I know have the courage to face things that I couldn't before. I just don't feel like a victim anymore and I have definitely learned how to set boundaries with people.
What have you learned about yourselves from your journey?

Mamba wrote:I have definitely learned how to set boundaries with people.

After 10 years in and out of therapy I can look back and see some much healthier boundaries of my own. I was reading through journals and notes I found that I had jotted down for my psychologist years ago and the difference between then and now is pretty astounding when you put them side by side.

Therapy is pretty b*tchin', I really think more people should try it.

Does it mean much if my exNarc is not being very showy about her new relationship?
I remember last year when she idealised me, it was all over social media how great I make her feel etc.
Could there be any reason why she is keeping quiet?
I added her on Skype recently, impulsively, she did not answer the Skype call but she accepted my friends request.
We have not spoken. She has not rubbed it in my face that she is with somebody new. Just radio silence. I'd like to assume she is still attached to me in some way to accept my friends request.
I heard the news from her friend that she used up after she discarded me. Her now ex friend told me that her new partner and her went on a trip abroad etc. now share a bank account and just getting settled down with one another really quickly.
My second break up with my narc has only been 6months or so and to be honest, could not believe she found someone that quickly.
Everything happened so fast, the person apparently is more well-established than me and has more $$ but yeah, I just found it so strange she didn't come and tell me.
She had to move town too after she graduated cos there isnt much job opportunity for her here where I live.
I'd like to think I am still special but perhaps that is too foolish of me.
Do Narcs have preferred supply or are all supply equal?
Do narcs think about their exes while in a new relationship? If so why? if not why?
Before I went NC on her 6 months ago, she said she would consider me in future but right now that I CANNOT CHANGE and cannot see that I will change anytime soon. Gave her plenty of narcissistic injury just before we broke up and she just had enough.
I still told her Id like to try again.. promising stuff to her like getting married etc. to make her feel good and all special and excited but like her, I am looking for better in the meantime and can pretty much discard that future thing we spoke about if I find better.
Any ideas why she didnt tell me shes in a new relationship?

Curiously1 wrote:Do Narcs have preferred supply or are all supply equal?

Some is better than others. The one that makes me look better and looks better with me is, well, better. I rarely think in terms of "supply". I know the concept permeates my life, but I don't give it much thought to be honest. I'm not really aware of how it plays into my daily routine, like I said I don't give it much thought. The idea of "supply" makes it sound so deliberate and calculated when usually it really isn't.

Curiously1 wrote:Do narcs think about their exes while in a new relationship? If so why? if not why?

Yes, but not in the way you might think. I sometimes ruminate. Most of the time I don't get close enough to somebody to really get any dirt on me. But there are people I've worked with, or who were friends of friends, and we went out a few times. I've always liked the chase, not so much the actual relationship part. When things get serious I detach and ghost, rather unceremoniously.

But my grandiosity convinces me they were crazy about me and are therefore a broken mess without me. That's pretty ego stroking. So when I see them months or years later happily married and moved on it kind of knocks the wind out of my sails. It isn't because I care about and miss them, it's just a reality check and nobody likes those.

When I break up with somebody I ghost them. We aren't Facebook friends, we don't talk at work, we don't hang out, there is no "just friends". I think it stems from wanting to avoid being exposed as a shallow fraud. I don't like fraternizing with coworkers for this reason, despite many attempts to befriend me I always have a convenient excuse to avoid doing anything with them. It's irritating enough that on a bad day these people see what I really am, I don't need to give them any intimate details to use against me (because I assume they will use it against me).

Anyway to more directly answer your second question, your relationship meant more to you than it did to her. It's hard for me to describe exactly why this would be if it were me, and everyone is different, your ex may have very different reasons for her behavior. She may not even be a narcissist at all, NPD is rare.

How would one go about slowly setting boundaries with an NDP male friend in his early 40s?
My main concern is that he may turn an important mutual friend against me if I get too assertive.

I've tried standing up for myself lately and each time he acts very strangely as though he's angry but he's trying to hide it. My attempts have not brought about a change in his behavior. If anything, the nasty behavior has increased but in more subtle ways that are harder to call him out on.

I meant NPD

How would one go about slowly setting boundaries with an NDP male friend in his early 40s?
My main concern is that he may turn an important mutual friend against me if I get too assertive.

I've tried standing up for myself lately and each time he acts very strangely as though he's angry but he's trying to hide it. My attempts have not brought about a change in his behavior. If anything, the nasty behavior has increased but in more subtle ways that are harder to call him out on.

It sounds like he is dominant over you and trying to assert his authority to keep things as they are. I think this relationship works for him when you are passive and let him control you.

I want to point out that trying to change someone's behavior is not very realistic. I would be more concerned with changing my own behavior, and not altering it based on other people's responses. Boundary setting is uncomfortable at first, when you are not used to doing it. You will find that people who used to push you around will generally react unfavorably. You will lose friends who don't like the idea that you have developed a backbone, and you will gain ones who do like it.

Okay I'm someone who's dealing with a narc. And I just posted something in this group. I think people like us who have some narc loved one in their life also need some support so we can deal with our relations with those narcs better. Think it like this way, your friends, parents, and spouses etc who are not narcs would need some support and awareness about this kind of disorder. If they are not made aware about it, or don't receive support, this will also effect their lives negatively...something you won't want. I don't think narcs are bad people. It's a disorder. Something that needs to be healed or at least balanced. Just like other personality disorders. Why can't we don't acknowledged it's something that can be dealt with or at least discussed? it shouldn't be a taboo.
No I'm scared out of my wits. I needed some support in saving my relation with a narc friend. Once my thread is approved and I have received enough backlash, I think I'll be needing a session with a therapist soon. But if this group is not for people who're non narcs dealing with narcs, I will be respecting this decision of admins and not hanging around around here complaining about narcs. Peace to all!