Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

It's been a year It officially ended.
That divorce topic got me wondering, couple of months after the break up, I received this note "you've got sued. And as a bystander." I thought it got to do with my issues with money, so I just delayed it.
But later on I solved those. Wasn't even a big deal.

So he is the only option. Who sues a random ex-girlfriend!

Kiskiskis wrote:
So he is the only option. Who sues a random ex-girlfriend!

hmm, might be an angry person struggling to feel a sense of control in their life?

My guess

I don't care about his pathetic reasons. Basic stuff.
But suing your ex with some fake reason is far from normal.

Slightly flattered though

I was wondering where should I ask a question, about one skill to protect myself from gaslighting.. should I open another thread? But I'd rather not cause too many times I've been attacked by N's and I rarely got the right answer, the topic went off the road. And why?
Why?
Is it cause I should help Ns and not avoid them and searching for my own cure?
Too often I get a feeling that Ns would like to be accepted the way they are, with all their behaviors that keep hurting me/us.
How do you help a person who thinks that she doesn't need to work on her behavior, who thinks that she is right and don't need for a change?
Avoiding is my only way... for my N father.

OK now, I wanted to ask you - how do you cope with gaslighting? What is your response to that type of behavior? When I feel that someone is asking me the question he already knows the answer,.. somehow I already have a antenna for those questions... I say "It doesn't matter" or I avoid to give a direct answer cause I would feel as a sheep. That really annoys me, and I don't have time for those questions that a person can easily check by herself.
Is there any other way?

cureav wrote::) I was wondering where should I ask a question, about one skill to protect myself from gaslighting.. should I open another thread? But I'd rather not cause too many times I've been attacked by N's and I rarely got the right answer, the topic went off the road. And why?
Why?
Is it cause I should help Ns and not avoid them and searching for my own cure?
Too often I get a feeling that Ns would like to be accepted the way they are, with all their behaviors that keep hurting me/us.
How do you help a person who thinks that she doesn't need to work on her behavior, who thinks that she is right and don't need for a change?
Avoiding is my only way... for my N father.

OK now, I wanted to ask you - how do you cope with gaslighting? What is your response to that type of behavior? When I feel that someone is asking me the question he already knows the answer,.. somehow I already have a antenna for those questions... I say "It doesn't matter" or I avoid to give a direct answer cause I would feel as a sheep. That really annoys me, and I don't have time for those questions that a person can easily check by herself.
Is there any other way?

How about
When someone asks you the question you think he already knows the answer and you feel annoyed , you say 'I feel that you are asking me a question that you already know the answer for, and that make me feel annoyed" . And than you stop and wait for the answer. See how the other side will react to your expression of feelings.

But it would be good if you post a specific example of a question asked by a specific person (I mean what is your relationship with this person?) and analyze it. Than you can get better understanding whether what you perceive as gaslighting is really gaslighting, or what is this question triggering in you.

In fact, the specific situation as an example of gaslighting would be a refreshing thread. As long as you resist to attach this behaviour to NPD. Just example. How abou that?

Kiskiskis wrote:I don't care about his pathetic reasons. Basic stuff.
But suing your ex with some fake reason is far from normal.

Slightly flattered though

Lol. Kiskiskis I agree with you. Being sued is pretty flattering.
They are basically trying to harass you through the legal system. And keep contact with you.

I've never been sued, but I've been threatened with it. It was a little bit flattering.

-- Thu Mar 06, 2014 6:53 pm --

VioletAasA wrote:

cureav wrote::) I was wondering where should I ask a question, about one skill to protect myself from gaslighting.. should I open another thread? But I'd rather not cause too many times I've been attacked by N's and I rarely got the right answer, the topic went off the road. And why?
Why?
Is it cause I should help Ns and not avoid them and searching for my own cure?
Too often I get a feeling that Ns would like to be accepted the way they are, with all their behaviors that keep hurting me/us.
How do you help a person who thinks that she doesn't need to work on her behavior, who thinks that she is right and don't need for a change?
Avoiding is my only way... for my N father.

OK now, I wanted to ask you - how do you cope with gaslighting? What is your response to that type of behavior? When I feel that someone is asking me the question he already knows the answer,.. somehow I already have a antenna for those questions... I say "It doesn't matter" or I avoid to give a direct answer cause I would feel as a sheep. That really annoys me, and I don't have time for those questions that a person can easily check by herself.
Is there any other way?

How about
When someone asks you the question you think he already knows the answer and you feel annoyed , you say 'I feel that you are asking me a question that you already know the answer for, and that make me feel annoyed" . And than you stop and wait for the answer. See how the other side will react to your expression of feelings.

But it would be good if you post a specific example of a question asked by a specific person (I mean what is your relationship with this person?) and analyze it. Than you can get better understanding whether what you perceive as gaslighting is really gaslighting, or what is this question triggering in you.

In fact, the specific situation as an example of gaslighting would be a refreshing thread. As long as you resist to attach this behaviour to NPD. Just example. How abou that?

Asking a question you already know the answer to seems a pretty common thread. Most people who ask these questions have been the victims of abuse and gaslighting. Sometimes people just need to check in with outside sources to find out if their perspective is true or if they are delusional. Most of the time they are not delusional but are being gaslighted and narcissistically abused. The fact that they are seeking outside affirmation is evidence in itself that they are sane.

Gaslighting is.... extremely insiduous and if a person is isolated and their partner is the main one they are in contact with, it is very effective. That is why forums like this are so helpful. They give the isolated victims of abuse a source of support and a reality check.

VioletAasA wrote:How about
When someone asks you the question you think he already knows the answer and you feel annoyed , you say 'I feel that you are asking me a question that you already know the answer for, and that make me feel annoyed" . And than you stop and wait for the answer. See how the other side will react to your expression of feelings.

I did exactly what you've said two months ago, and what I got was a look just like child's and a feeling that he is falling apart without the answer; as if I asked what I shouldn't. Now, two months after, I get the same questions and feeling, but far more less cause I am the one who limited contact.
Damn it hurts. What I left with is making a distance, trying to learn to accept things the way they are and move on with my own life. He is my parent and he will never accept if I had something wise to say. I just need to learn to let it go.

cureav wrote:

VioletAasA wrote:How about
When someone asks you the question you think he already knows the answer and you feel annoyed , you say 'I feel that you are asking me a question that you already know the answer for, and that make me feel annoyed" . And than you stop and wait for the answer. See how the other side will react to your expression of feelings.

I did exactly what you've said two months ago, and what I got was a look just like child's and a feeling that he is falling apart without the answer; as if I asked what I shouldn't. Now, two months after, I get the same questions and feeling, but far more less cause I am the one who limited contact.
Damn it hurts. What I left with is making a distance, trying to learn to accept things the way they are and move on with my own life. He is my parent and he will never accept if I had something wise to say. I just need to learn to let it go.

I think you are doing well
You expressed your feelings without judgment, and this is the only thing that you can do.
What hearts is the realization that your parent will never change. Accepting that is part of healing.
He will not change no matter how much YOU WANT him to change or respond with understanding to you,. Think of that I WANT part.

Hi everyone. I've been reading here for a long time I haven't really posted many things here. I think I'm on my third pwNPD. My dad is a narcissist. I also think I have BPD. Actually I'm pretty certain I have it. I avoid therapy and therapists like the plague. I don't really know why. I went after my first suicide attempt to see one, but that didn't go very well. The reason I'm here is because I'm on no contact day one. I've loved my ex for 16 years. I didn't really know or understand all of the things that I was doing when we were younger, I hurt him badly then left him and he attempted suicide. We had the strangest relationship, we were distant but everyone knew how strongly we felt about each other. He would come and go, which hurt me. ...but the weirdest thing would happen. He would abandon me, be gone for months, come back, and I would have literally forgotten what happened the last time. Hurtful things that he said or did before he left, would be gone. We would just pick up where we left off. My family would warn me but it just didn't work. We had this distant closeness. He would come and we'd have this wonderful month together, or sometimes longer, then he'd disappear and I'd just go back to my old life. Last year he began to pursue me like he never had before. I didn't understand, because he had always had this back up girlfriend when he would leave me. I was reluctant at first, but I eventually gave in. I'd always loved him and everyone called us "soulmates", so I thought it was finally my chance to make up for lost time and that we'd really be together. After maybe four months, I found out that he'd been lying about EVERYTHING. From the basic to the ridiculous. The girl that he told me he'd broken up with, he hadn't. He had been cheating on me for months. The things that he did, I've always known that he had issues, but......I just couldn't grasp it. And his explanations....they just made things worse. I stayed even after he cheated, because he said he would talk to everyone and let them know we would be together and we would make it through everything. I won't detail the whole year, but some crazy and awful things that make NO sense to me happened. The making promises and later that day getting caught breaking them...Lying to other people when I was standing there knowing he said something different to me...having men come to sleep over and their relationship being more than friends....trying to control me...telling me what I feel.....he physically harmed me....he was verbally and emotionally abusive...drinking...he would just disappear for days....if I wasn't obedient there were punishments...he wouldn't eat for days. There were so many things. After he physically harmed me I called the police and went no contact. A couple of weeks later he was back with his ex. We started talking again two months later. He blames me for all of it. He says he couldn't be with me because I changed, but that he is still in love with me. He is also in love with his girlfriend, supposedly. I went into the situation this time trying to understand. Not to rekindle things. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, and he changed his number. He said that I have to prove that I'm not destructive and a monster and our friendship can progress. The things that I did to him (raging at him) where all in reaction to finding out about his lies or discovering a girl at his apartment, but those things were months ago. He changed his number in reaction to me saying I didn't want to see each other. We got into an argument mainly because I don't understand how he can say that he loves me and he is in love with both of us. The things that he does, that is not love. That's not being in love. The things he feels, and wants change so rapidly. If I don't obey him there is always a punishment. I'm just tired of all of it, and I told him that I'm going no contact. But no contact never works on him long term. I fall apart. I went down to 86 pounds in the week that he was gone on the cruise. He doesn't seem to care about any of the pain he causes me, he just wants me to get over it. That takes time, for me. I want to be strong enough to keep no contact. I guess I just....is it possible that he really loves me? In his own distorted way?

I don't hate being wrong. I hate being right. Usually when I'm right, it's in response to someone else being wrong & I hate it when other people are wrong!

Almost any knowledge I acquire in life is gonna come from another human. So when a person is wrong, I see it as a trick; a deliberate effort to misguide me/someone else. I see making false statements as an injustice to anyone to can hear/read them. Look how many people go around believing wrong things because some asshole decided to speak within earshot of them! It's infuriating.

I also have a hard time believing it isn't deliberate because I don't understand how a person can't feel their own uncertainty before saying something absolutely absurd. You mean you don't sense all that empty space where knowledge & facts on the topic should be?

I don't have NPD but I have traits of it. I'm wondering if this line of thinking is familiar to pwNPD. I don't know why, but when I say it out loud, it strikes me as a little "narcissistic".