Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

by **Jen129** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:43 pm

post deleted.........

As someone with NPD I enjoy hearing how the other side perceives us or lack there of. Their confusion both amuses me and intrigues me. I don't enjoy the nons who go on about leaving narcs and how we are awful demons who don't deserve to be with anyone, but I do enjoy those nons who genuinely want to learn about the narc in their life and how to keep a relationship going with one. I think its great that nons that have narcs in their life have a spot here. Plus, sometimes I really try to be better with how I treat people. I am two months into my first relationship since becoming self-aware and I am actually trying to not go all NPD on him, so to hear what other nons in a relationship have to say helps me in some ways.

by **Euterpe** » Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:53 pm

I think that nons who choose a relationship with a narcissist (unlike ACONS who had no say in the matter) are often left without proper sense of closure and the end is almost always ugly, messy, full of confusion and profound hurt, longing and sometimes obsession (obsessive thoughts about N).
I wrote about the journey of self discovery and how I chose to use the experience to grow and to have a more fulfilling relationships, starting with myself (being kind, loving and gentle to myself), my kids and family and friends. It took a lot of time for me to heal and to stop hurting, I was sad beyond words. And little by little, taking one day at the time I arrived to where I'm now.
I did a lot of positive things in the meantime, my career advanced in small but noticeable ways, I went back to school and also I discovered that I'm blessed with quite a few good friends.
This forum was my beacon at times, when I though I was loosing focus on what really matters, and I am profoundly grateful for all of the stories here. This place has helped me find my closure.
I think it's time for me to move on and to seek new adventures :wink:

In the meantime I wish you all a lot of peace, joy and real and meaningful relationships.
In the end, I just want to say, no matter how much it hurts, one morning you'll wake up with profound peace and joy in your heart, so don't give up.
Hugs Ivy

by **strepsil** » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:10 pm

jujubean wrote:New Here

Just joined this forum...I'm pretty worn out, pretty much crying off an on every day.

I read toxic parents 30 years ago and was somewhat in recovery from my Alcoholic Father. I went to theraphy for one year when me and my husband were fighting a lot. It helped a little...We moved to another state and took the tools the theraphist suggested with us to raise a family. It was never easy. My husband was a workaholic that succeeded at his career. I was a type 10 doing all the house chores and children chores...Luckily for me when my oldest was 8, I found info on how to be a unconditional loving mother, and that saved my children from SOME of the abuse that would come there way. Not all though, cause now I know my husband was a Narcissist and I knew he was emotionally abusing my son but I didn't know the name of the abuse...He spoiled my daughter but she is damaged too.

Right now, I am in a numb conditon from one year of knowledge of my covert past, and mostly crying about my life. In the past year , I have found out that my husband and two children have Aspbergers. Also this year, I have read three books on Narcissism, and know that my husband is a covert full blown NPD with horrible emotionally unavailable parents. Also the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough confirmed the fact that my mom is a Overt NPD...She is over 80 and on her third man. We haven't talked for 12 months. I am the only daughter and my only daughter just got married in March and I invited my mother and was told "no way" and she never came to the wedding. However my oldest son was always worhipped by her.

The reason I joined this forum, The reason I an numb with pain is that this year the Aspbergers and Narcissism is killing me. The biggest pain is the fact that my two children WERE miss diagnosed with ADHD, and that one of them is on his way to becoming a full blown alcoholic. I have told both children about AS,,,my son read a little of the book and said "nope" I'm fine...my daughter yelled loudly abusive words "don't ever tell me that again" and attacked my knowledge. Pretty much my whole life I have been gaslighted, A friend told me three years ago "ya know your children and husband beat you up daily, and your husband is teaching and allowing it......"

I'm in recovery by reading and support groups and know that I did not come out of this past without some disorder. I might have BPD,,,I'm going to read about it more... I'm not a narcissist but have the fleas .....I used to have tantrums/ and don't do that anymore cause I'm numb. My freaking came from a fear of abandonment, now I know...

I've been reading and watching tapes on the internet, and I pretty much agree with every thing I am seeing on line...I have told my husband and sent him some info on Narcissism,,,he is in denial..

So hopefully I can find some support here.

So , just saying hi,,,and anybody out there with any advice, I'd like to hear it.

Hi there,

I'm new myself but your post resonated with me. I know that my father was diagnosed with a personality disorder many years ago, and it is my belief that he has NPD. I myself have narcissistic traits that I am trying hard to overcome.

The first objective, for me, is to realise that the person with NPD is completely unable to see the reality of their behaviour, because their sense of reality has been skewed from an early age. The main element of NPD, for me, is lack of self. The inability to process the pain and anger often caused by an early caretaker's abuse leads to a false reality because the child has to identify with the caretaker. So then the world, including everyone closest to the child except the abuser gets the blame. So, abuse causes shattered self, false reality, inability to empathise (with self or others).

The next is to create as much sanity out of the situation as possible. I recommend the book Children of the Self-Absorbed and this website. I see the person with NPD as being like an addict and the person who has a relationship with them is a co-dependent. The same principle applies when it comes to getting treatment. Those with NPD, if they are ever to get treatment, have to seek it themselves, but because they don't see that they have a problem, they often have to hit rock bottom first. I strongly encourage you to seek therapy to come to terms with everything and to learn to set boundaries to prevent further mistreatment.

I agree with the previous poster: you will find peace. You cannot give it to others, however. You can hope, and you can still love them in a way that is safe and not hurtful to you but ultimately they must find their own way.

What is astonishing to me is how completely unaware I was of how or why I was hurting people. I knew I was doing wrong, but I couldn't navigate situational boundaries and I always had an anger that I would systematically unload on other people, particularly my mother. My mother couldn't teach those boundaries or provide the sanity that I needed because she was dealing with things from her past and she was caught up in my father's games and her own anger. So you see how it is a cycle and all we can aim to do is regain our own sense of self and of reality and do our bit towards ending the cycle.

by **strepsil** » Wed Jan 23, 2013 11:57 pm

I just wanted to add some clarity to my previous post. I'm not saying that your children have NPD, but children of people with NPD do tend to have the inability to perceive the narcissistic abuse. I would focus on your own healing at the moment and maybe your therapist can suggest ways to talk about the past with your children in a way that they won't feel to be threatening. Maybe it wouldn't do any harm to ask them how they see the past, but do be prepared for their anger to be directed at you.

by **rpb** » Mon Jan 28, 2013 5:51 pm

The greatest support to me as a man in establishing what was normal and acceptable in human relationships, having been brought up (if you can call it that) by a narcissistic mother, and indeed what represented the start of my own healing, was to join an organization which included all kinds of men who could provide an "average" and yet also highly diverse experiene of relationships in the real world. Like a kind of group therapy, co facilitated by each other....very powerful!
I would highly recommend this kind of thing to anyone caught up in the aftermath of such an upbringing. It may be the only way you can begin to see what normal actually is....happy to provide information to anyone who needs it.
RPB

by **rmfrench** » Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:49 pm

This is a reply to alot of the questions or statements. Education, education is where all of the strength I received came from. I devalued and discarded after 15 years and 3 kids. 2 were his and 1 were ours. Anyways, I had nothing better to do than to look up emotional abuse as he left all alone like did, doing the things that he did. From emotional abuse it took me to Narcisstic abuse from someone inflicted with a narcisstic personality disorder. There is where I found the answers I have wondering all along. Narcisstic personality disorder perfectly explains our entire relationship. This time, after learning all of this, I never looked back. I knew what his actions would be before he acted on them. Because, I spent the time to educate myself, I will no longer be used or abused. I life my life accordingly to me and my child. No man, narcisstic, is gonna use me as a reflection of themselves!! I am my own person!!

by **littlerbear** » Wed Jun 26, 2013 6:24 pm

Have been reading the posts here and they're very helpful.

I got narc'ed years and years ago, still can't let it go, but have moved on with my life. Turned a big corner today. Finally realized that the ability to truly love and care for someone is WAY more powerful and healthy than having to 'use' people for 'supply'.

I really loved my narc; he used me like an object and manipulated me emotionally - I knew what he was doing and I stayed anyway. It was only year and a half, but that was long enough. I worked my butt off to get him to 'love' me. When I finally could deny it no longer, I cut him off in spades: told him he had no character and was lazy and uncommitted, and that my life would be much easier without him; even hung up the phone on him. I did try to apologize - twice - but never heard from him again. Now I realize that I had 'poisoned' his 'supply' by letting him know that I actually saw through the glamour he was trying to throw on me, and if he was going to deal with me, he had to act and treat me like a real person. He wasn't about to do that, so it was over.

Good enough. Anyway, I really cared about this guy, and he did not give crap 1 about me. Being able to genuinely care for someone, to see them as they truly are and still love them is way better than using people as things. It's best not to get involved with narcs in the first place or to get out as soon as you see where you are. That's not what I did - I made the mistake of loving him. This was a mistake, but it does not define me.

Thanks so much for this. It's invaluable. I'm going to keep reading and posting.

by **DangG** » Sat Jun 29, 2013 4:15 am

littlerbear wrote:
I really loved my narc; he used me like an object and manipulated me emotionally - I knew what he was doing and I stayed anyway. It was only year and a half, but that was long enough. I worked my butt off to get him to 'love' me. When I finally could deny it no longer, I cut him off in spades: told him he had no character and was lazy and uncommitted, and that my life would be much easier without him; even hung up the phone on him.

Did he got a diagnose or did you did that for him ?

I did try to apologize - twice - but never heard from him again. Now I realize that I had 'poisoned' his 'supply' by letting him know that I actually saw through the glamour he was trying to throw on me, and if he was going to deal with me, he had to act and treat me like a real person. He wasn't about to do that, so it was over.

Im possibly a narc, or at least have lot narc traits, I treated my ex like a princess sometimes and like crap some others, and I felt like I loved her; it was a 4yr on/off relationship. But then I got better things to do.

Good enough. Anyway, I really cared about this guy, and he did not give crap 1 about me. Being able to genuinely care for someone, to see them as they truly are and still love them is way better than using people as things. It's best not to get involved with narcs in the first place or to get out as soon as you see where you are. That's not what I did - I made the mistake of loving him. This was a mistake, but it does not define me.

Im sorry if I sounded harsh but its very complex for nons to have a clue how our patterns work.
I hope you get on with your life and find a better person for you, but you dont need to label someone a narc to leave and avoid a dis-functional relationship. just my 2 cents

by **Kiskiskis** » Wed Aug 07, 2013 11:43 am

Wondering what my narcissistic ex feels like, is up to?

I think Im a bit co-dependent, or at liest those features were at the time amplified. For certain reasons.
So except for the beginning (pure bliss, 3 months, altogether 6 months), this relationship was a mess. We had a short history together - years ago, otherwise I would have never got myself into situation like this.
He was living with another woman, lying about split-up, moving and All. When I wasn't behaving as he wished, believing it all. He started to cheat on me. Pretty clear signs.
He also used me, my money, emotionally abuse and was pinching me once.
Im guessing altogether 3+ girls?

Then I got pissed, and revealed him to his ex-housemate, friends who didn't know about "girlfriends". Hoping he's reputation would spread.
He was mad, and couldn't face me no more. Blamed Me about it all. Never ever said he's sorry.

At some point I felt weak and wanted to solve situation. He said "he loves me", but not enough to fix it all.
He even manipulated his friend to talk behalf of him. To assure he didn't do anything.

Now he has been appearing to same places where I am, "accidentally poured" a drink on me, messaging me at 04:00 in the morning etc. saying he didn't want to harm me. What the h*** is he up to?

Really would appreciate some thoughts that would open he's mind even a bit. Despite all this, I really cared about him.

Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Re: Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

Who is online