Non-Narcissistic Support thread.....

ShadyH89 wrote:Ugh, a year on from my break up I'm still so susceptible to my exN... the urge to please him and give him supply is still so programmed into me I'm gonna have to commit to no contact sooner rather than later, but I'm still so attached to the thought of what we had I don't know exactly how I'm going to do it.

A little while ago he sent me a reference and asked me for a professional reference on LinkedIn. I did it without even thinking - like it was a reflex to give him supply. It was only a week or so later that I went "Why the ffff did I do that?! I KNOW he did it to get supply and to see if he still had control over me and I didn't even WANT to do it!"

Does anybody else have this where you're just still so suggestible to anything an N asks for... and will I ever be ready to cut him out altogether or will it be something I will never be ready for and just have to do anyway?

Help please.

Keep in mind they don't have any feelings where YOU are concerned. YOU are there to serve their purpose. Whatever that might entail. I was with my ex girlfriend once sexually in 30 years and even though we were "Just friends" the rest of the time.. the sexual tension(with no sex) was still there..and she manipulated me with something I was never ever going to get again.

-- Thu Aug 23, 2012 6:10 am --

It should be also added..that she didn't lie to me about that.She did say to me.. "It isn't ever going to happen with us ever again." But I as a co-dependent person kept thinking she didn't mean it.. that she would change her mind "If only I was good to her and I met all her other needs". The other needs was doing her lawn work, landscaping, and gardening.The more I did things for her.. the more meaner she got and insulting. In the past 6 weeks she had been slowly withdrawing from me and easing me out of the picture. She had begun shutting me out mentally as she would not even listen to anything I had to say about anything. In fact she had called my emails "Diatribes". That tells you what she thought of my opinion. I just was so addicted to her that I took the abuse and kept doing for her. Until she shut me out all the way. Then I realized she had discarded me. My only consolation is knowing she can't go look anywhere around her house or her yard without seeing all the wonderful things I did for her..my fingerprint is all over the place.

CodyPendant wrote:Would be very good if the Narc's would stay out of the Non Narc area and let us vent and do what it is we need to do to cope with ya'll. I am new here Looking for some support. I am not here to be insulted by the same type of person who has hurt me most of my life. Be hospitable and just.

CodyPendant wrote:It should be also added..that she didn't lie to me about that.She did say to me.. "It isn't ever going to happen with us ever again." But I as a co-dependent person kept thinking she didn't mean it.. that she would change her mind "If only I was good to her and I met all her other needs".

Does anybody know of a more helpful area in the site for this kind of problem? It seems to me like the right place for this is missing. Having codependency issues confined to a single thread named "non-narcissistic thread" inside the narcissistic PD forum seems like undervaluing.

And like you just illustrated in the quote above, NPD is not the real issue. The issue is being vulnerable to domineering / manipulative / controlling people. I guess this extends to ASPD, HPD, BPD and OCPD as well, for example. Even if it not all these abuser types would affect the same person, I think there would be enough commonalities among people who fall prey to uncaring dynamics, regardless of what specific type of abusing party is involved.

I imagine there are certain personality types that are usually more affected by this kind of problem (like dependent, depressive, histrionic, borderline, etc, besides clinically normal types), but again it seems to me like it's an issue common to all of them and would be best addressed in a single place regardless of specific personality type.

Does anybody know of a more helpful area in the site for this kind of problem? It seems to me like the right place for this is missing. Having codependency issues confined to a single thread named "non-narcissistic thread" inside the narcissistic PD forum seems like undervaluing.

It is not confined to this area (it should be it isn't) , 90 % of the time newcomers post on the forum about the people in their lives , not on this particular thread.

coloroftruthisgray wrote:It is not confined to this area (it should be it isn't) , 90 % of the time newcomers post on the forum about the people in their lives , not on this particular thread.

Also part of the problem. Like you said, "it should be". But it obviously doesn't work.

IS THIS GAS LIGHTING?

I had some questions about some things that had come up in therapy that happened when I was a child and asked my parents about it. They both deny memory of it or deny it happened.
I had suspected them of lying before and editing my history to make themselves look better so was not completely surprised by this. To see how far they would go with this, I said to them
"So I must be mad then? Perhaps there is something wrong with my brain and t is making things up?"
One of them said that if it had happened - what kind of parents would that make them?

So protecting the family story and how everything appears to be seems more important than being honest with me - even if it might help me in therapy?

ladyjello wrote:I had some questions about some things that had come up in therapy that happened when I was a child and asked my parents about it. They both memory of it and/or denied it happened.
I had suspected them of lying before and editing my history to make themselves look better so was not completely surprised by this. To see how far they would go with this, I said to them
"So I must be mad then? Perhaps there is something wrong with my brain and I it is making things up?"

From gaslighting..

ladyjello wrote:One of them said that if it had happened - what kind of parents would that make them?

to emotional blackmail.

ladyjello wrote:One of them said that if it had happened - what kind of parents would that make them?

Bingo. The answer would probably be "bad parents, of course". Which is simply impossible in "their reality". Therefore, "it never happened". In Narcissistish, this is an admission.

So protecting the family story and how everything appears to be seems more important than being honest with me - even if it might help me in therapy?

I don't think narcissists are able to accept those kinds of memories themselves. Appearances are the only thing that matters. Reality is completely secondary. Denial is the law.

Greatem anagram and
thank you both for your confirmation and comments
as I feared - my family were not as nice as the Waltons after all!

i come from a family full of narcissists and this is exactly what they do.. pretend things never happened. they can change decades of history with a simple denial clause. one family member insists "mary is really nice. i always liked her" - a family member she despised and treated cruelly her whole life. this happened because she is trying to play one family member off of another and thinks this will make the other family member jealous and bend to her will. when they whitewash history i always call them on it. they deny, i stand firm. repeat. they never stop denying and i never stop holding them to it. i just don't want to be an accomplice and play along.

New Here

Just joined this forum...I'm pretty worn out, pretty much crying off an on every day.

I read toxic parents 30 years ago and was somewhat in recovery from my Alcoholic Father. I went to theraphy for one year when me and my husband were fighting a lot. It helped a little...We moved to another state and took the tools the theraphist suggested with us to raise a family. It was never easy. My husband was a workaholic that succeeded at his career. I was a type 10 doing all the house chores and children chores...Luckily for me when my oldest was 8, I found info on how to be a unconditional loving mother, and that saved my children from SOME of the abuse that would come there way. Not all though, cause now I know my husband was a Narcissist and I knew he was emotionally abusing my son but I didn't know the name of the abuse...He spoiled my daughter but she is damaged too.

Right now, I am in a numb conditon from one year of knowledge of my covert past, and mostly crying about my life. In the past year , I have found out that my husband and two children have Aspbergers. Also this year, I have read three books on Narcissism, and know that my husband is a covert full blown NPD with horrible emotionally unavailable parents. Also the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough confirmed the fact that my mom is a Overt NPD...She is over 80 and on her third man. We haven't talked for 12 months. I am the only daughter and my only daughter just got married in March and I invited my mother and was told "no way" and she never came to the wedding. However my oldest son was always worhipped by her.

The reason I joined this forum, The reason I an numb with pain is that this year the Aspbergers and Narcissism is killing me. The biggest pain is the fact that my two children WERE miss diagnosed with ADHD, and that one of them is on his way to becoming a full blown alcoholic. I have told both children about AS,,,my son read a little of the book and said "nope" I'm fine...my daughter yelled loudly abusive words "don't ever tell me that again" and attacked my knowledge. Pretty much my whole life I have been gaslighted, A friend told me three years ago "ya know your children and husband beat you up daily, and your husband is teaching and allowing it......"

I'm in recovery by reading and support groups and know that I did not come out of this past without some disorder. I might have BPD,,,I'm going to read about it more... I'm not a narcissist but have the fleas .....I used to have tantrums/ and don't do that anymore cause I'm numb. My freaking came from a fear of abandonment, now I know...

I've been reading and watching tapes on the internet, and I pretty much agree with every thing I am seeing on line...I have told my husband and sent him some info on Narcissism,,,he is in denial..

So hopefully I can find some support here.

So , just saying hi,,,and anybody out there with any advice, I'd like to hear it.