Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Yea, I have no suggestion for that one, but understood. What you wrote makes complete sense.

I am predisposed to dating people with personality issues which stems into early childhood from what I can assume. My dad, I believe, is a narcissist and my step-mother was either borderline and/or psychopath. She would have a bad day and cuss at me and call me names at 12 years old then the next day act like nothing happened and take me shopping and buy expensive gifts for me.

I own a business and started dating a contractor two years ago which was not wise. She started in with phrases like, "There are very few people like you that exist" and "I haven't ever felt this way about anyone else."

There were warning signs less than 2 months in. I had to work into the morning hours and texted her that I was sorry but had to reschedule our day plans because I was going to bed very late. She ended up coming to my house and ringing my doorbell a couple hours later about 20x in a row. I finally woke up. I asked whether she received my message. She said she did but still wanted me to keep the plans I promised her. I told her I was not going, I am sorry but will make it up to her another day. She began yelling in front of my property and neighbors about how selfish I was and I couldn't make one sacrifice for her. There were several other incidents that occurred where she would rage out. She admitted to me when she was calm that a counselor had mentioned she may be borderline years ago. I told her she needed to see someone or I could not continue the relationship.

She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about a week later. I wish the story was different for both our sakes.

After this diagnosis, seeing a counselor, and getting on medication things got better and then regressed. She has proceeded to yell and cuss at me at work almost every other day. Again, I am her boss and don't tolerate that from anyone who works for me.

I have threatened her with suspension and termination and have followed through with taking her off schedule. She has called me evil, and many other names I cannot write in this section, and said I am taking food out of her mouth.

In our personal life she has blocked my ability to leave the house and office to the point I will either have to physically remove her or call 911 to get her to move away. I know this is considered entrapment and illegal. It has also happened more times than I can count.

She will scream obscenities in my face during this time while she is blocking me. There have been two separate incidents where she grabbed my phone and threw it into a wall when I told her I am calling 911 instead of peacefully leaving. Side note, I am usually calm when asking her to move from the door. When I have attempted to move her body without violence she has threatened to hit me.

When breaking up with her or attempting to, she asked me to leave her things in the front of my house. She forced herself into my property despite me putting weight on the door. She yelled violently, calling me names for what seemed like an eternity as I calmly kept telling her I need her to leave. She said she was collecting all of the presents she ever got me. She threw one of the glass objects she bought me in the middle of my living room. I don't know how come I took her back. Her promises and apologies maybe.

She has locked me out of my car in 100 degree heat during a fight with all of my personal belongings in it, including my wallet and cell phone in the car and laughed saying, "How does it feel?"

On Christmas eve last year, she grabbed my arm and flung it backwards when I told her to leave my kitchen. She was washing dishes and started verbally abusing me and calling me names. I put my hand on the faucet to turn the water off. It was swiftly enough to make my fingers go numb for two weeks.

After that, I asked her to leave and was called a "fat" bitch and pushed to the point I almost fell to the floor and lost my balance. She immediately apologized and said she meant I was being a "big bitch". She knew that I suffered from an eating disorder for years and still called me something she knew would cut to the bone then attempted to manipulate her way out of it.

I took the week of Christmas off and blocked her calls. I told her afterward, once again, I could not be with her any further. She sent me a suicide letter by text and a picture of a noose around her neck crying. I immediately call the ambulance and drive to her house. I told her what I was doing. When I got there she became enraged that I called the ambulance and started yelling. I exclaimed that I thought she was going to kill herself but did not give the unit number. I came into her place for awhile and she played a guilt trip on me some more.

I have distanced myself from her over the past year. When she is not having rages, I allow her back into my life. I have told her I have boundaries, but she doesn't seem to care any further and throws anything she can in my face. I make her feel isolated and unloved, she constantly tells me. Her behavior at work is a huge issue. You cannot yell and call your boss names -- regardless, of our relationship, I am still the one who employs her. She can simply disagree with instructions I am giving her and then starts arguing and cussing at me. It is not appropriate and I cannot have a loving relationship with someone who does that to me at work or personally for that matter.

Some how, I have now become the crazy one in her eyes. She will gaslight me and everything I say, especially when I am exhausted. She will yell vehemently or accuse me of things I didn't say or do and as soon as I do get angry, she'll turn around and say I am the one yelling, I started the fight and I have issues. I tell her I am being provoked by her.

Since I have put up boundaries until she can treat me right -- I let back in when she doesn't verbally abuse me, she will always say I leave her feeling isolated and not loved when I am not around.

Every time I tell her she needs to work on her rage or attitude, she asks me, "What are you doing to change?" A relationship takes two. She'll constantly tell me I have issues but they are generalized. I ask for specific situations and she will change the topic again and start an argument with me.

She had not created chaos in front of contractors until last week when she called me an a****** in the office parking lot. I said, "Excuse me". She stated that I heard her 'now' but not when she said hello the first time, I simply blatantly ignored her! I told her I truly didn't hear her say hi, but calling me a vulgar name in front of my company office is not appropriate. I gave her the paycheck I owed her outside quietly and asked her to leave at which time she flipped me off in front of several contractors.

I was debating on firing her right then. She sent me a text distorting the truth saying I ignore her in the flesh and now she knows how I really feel and she isn't wasting her time with me any further.

I told her she is lucky to still have a job, we are personally over, and in event she wants to keep her position this cannot ever happen again. I am not going to allow the label "personally involved" to impede my perspective on these situations again.

I know when our relationship was good it was really good. She would drop anything for me, get me groceries, help when I felt under the weather as I suffer from a pain management issue, fix my car, listen to my problems. We could talk about many things when she wasn't in the wrong state of mind, were able to comfort each other, support one another, etc.

Then when it's bad, I feel it's abusive. Very few of my friends can relate to this and it sounds like they think I am at fault. I have put them on another phone to have them hear her speak to me, even when she's yelling outrageously and they say, "Oh she only needs more love and affection" or "You're speaking to her condescendingly" when I am doing my best to remain calm. Have I let the last two years obstruct my common sense?

Before the office incident, I took her out of on a date and told her let's start over, and she proceeds to tell me I share similar tendencies to her crazy sister after telling me a story about how incredibly irrational her actions have been, calls the sushi chef an a****** for staring, and when I ask what happened tells me 'shush don't cause a scene' in a hostile tone.

She's a good employee when she's not being aggressive but I don't know how long that is going to last.

I still love her but I can't stand her behavior. My mental sanity is deteriorating. She is going to counseling and after her sessions she seems to improve for awhile. Then regresses. I don't know what to do.

Am I the crazy one? Please some advice here.

My freind has bpd and I could use some advice on how to help her as well as how to cope with my own emotions about it . She’s suicidal a lot and that’s really hard on me .

Hey kittylover,

Of course reading through this thread might provide some suggestions, but yea, unfortunately BPD is a difficult disorder to cope with for the person with the disorder, and those around them.

Unfortunately I doubt you'll find any consensus on what works. Some suggest being especially validating, while others suggest being very pragmatic (e.g., 'if you threaten suicide, I am obligated to call someone to intervene'), but ... neither is guaranteed to work, or to work for long. It's the nature of the disorder. Those with BPD will often find new ways to test their relationships. It's complicated that they both want to be loved, and push others away who try.

While this may sound selfish, the main thing is to take care of you. Be careful about allowing yourself to get deeply drawn in, or burned out. If it's BPD, then it really will require an objective professional to help, and that won't happen until/if she is ready for it.

Good Evening!

I started to talk with a girl with bpd (She told me she was diagnosed) in last October.
We had some issue communicate together but no drama and we enjoyed communicating on a daily basis.
Because I wasn't self confident i decided to stop our contact in November after she revealed me she could act without morality even if she told me she would never do something evil.

After two month and a lot of reflection i decided to contact her and for two month we exchanged message but she was more distant. I even visited her once in her hometown.
One week after we had a dispute (it was my fault) she forgave me but one week after she told me she wanted our relationship to stop that she didn't hate me but she didn't want our relationship to be so close. She told me she didn't want us exchanging message and too she said that she felt indifferent about me

I answered that i respected her feeling and never try to contact her again but if she wanted to contact me one day i would be there and even told i wouldn't block her.

I respected my promise i didn't try to contact her.
But i sometimes think a lot about what happen why it happened and I ask myself about blocking her on social media but once again i told her i wouldn't do this.

Should I broke my promise and block her anyway?
(Our relationship was difficult but there was no abuse lovebomb or verbal fight between us)

Hey WaterFox,

Just a guess but it seems like she has taken a fairly neutral stance with you, which means it's unlikely she has any intent to treat you maliciously so long as you leave her alone. If you do decide to block, it's for you, to help you avoid contacting her again. Perhaps there is some way to convey a block is nothing personal, just you are finding it hard to let go, etc.

WaterFox wrote:...i decided to stop our contact in November after she revealed me she could act without morality even if she told me she would never do something evil...

I think it's understandable why you chose to end it. At least you got a warning early on.

Thank you for your Answer xdude!
Well I'll follow your advices I miss her she was great and we had awesome conversations I prefer an end like thais that something ugly between us

Hi everyone. Just looking to vent in a space where people understand.

I have been in a relationship with someone on and off for the last five years. And, because of his BPD, it’s not been plain sailing. I’ve done the walking on eggshells, I’ve dealt with his affair, and now I want advice on how to find a safe way to bring it all to an end. Sometimes he can be wonderful, but as you know, within the space of being told how loved I am, he’ll text me and tell me the relationship is over if I’ve responded to someone on Facebook before answering a text from him. It’s unpredictable, crazy, and as much as I love him, I HAVE to hold myself back from completely giving into those feeling as I know he can bring my world to an end if he doesn’t like a text I’ve sent, or the length of time I’ve taken to respond to him or I’m too busy at work to respond to him straight away. It’s so temperamental, I know we can’t progress with this.

I love him, but I can’t be with someone who will end a relationship out of the blue over a Facebook post or who, bluntly, I’m scared of. In terms of reactions, has anyone else been in this situation, and how do you leave them in a way that leaves them healthy and minimises any distress? (I know I’m probably flattering myself given that he’ll even care given the ease with which he can walk away!) I’ve done everything he’s ever asked. I’ve put myself in debt for him. He’s pressurised me to do things sexually that I don’t want to do - and which I have resisted completely - but I’m not willing to live appeasing him and his needs anymore without consideration for mine. Yet, I still don’t want to harm him by leaving. Any advice on how to do this without hurting him? Or creating a situation that is dangerous for me?

Hey MrsCanny,

I don't have any specific advice, just a bit of support. Others that have been in your position have written about that same fear, if I leave my partner with BPD will they do something rash? Problem is nobody else knows either what will happen.

One possibility to ponder... I know it's considered normal to end relationships quickly, but there is also the option of doing it in steps, give the other person time to get closure, and to realize for themselves it's not working. That doesn't always work, but throwing it out there as a possibility.

That suggestion is no doubt controversial, but one of the issues many people with BPD struggle with is splitting. Others are all good, or all bad. Seems like you see he is not all bad, or all good, there were good times and not so great times. You may need to see more of the later to get to that point of accepting it is not working for you, but I think it's also okay that not behave as he might behave, toss the relationship aside as if it meant nothing.

I am NOT suggesting you stay with him, just that you not become him in the process of stepping away. The number one difficult for most people when a relationship ends is probably lack of closure. It may not work to give him some closure because of his BPD, but we can try to do what we believe is right first, and only second take the harsher paths with people who are unreasonable.

Thanks for your response. It’s such a complex situation that only those with experience of being around those with BPD understand it.

The splitting has actually been one of the hardest things to deal with - if he gets it into his head I’ve said something he doesn’t agree with, suddenly I’m awful and I’m blanked, blocked, stonewalled and this can be minutes after being told how loved I am. I’ve really dug around looking for information on BPD and it’s been so worthwhile in recognising the pattern of behaviours particularly the rejection after a seemingly nothing comment. Typically every week he splits up with me for an hour or so, and then it’s all back on. How can you plan a future with someone who is being as unpredictable and hurtful as that? (I realise he’s hurting too and this is a protective measure for him, but that doesn’t lessen the hurt.

I feel for his hurt, but I feel for my own too. It’s exceptionally sad that he doesn’t see how loved he is - he really is.