Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Hey JREB,

The setting of boundaries is the common advice for someone who wishes to maintain a relationship with a person who has BPD. But it is not easy, so expect a challenge.

People who have BPD have a hyper-sensitivity to being hurt, being rejected and being abandoned. Not just physically, but emotionally. Something happened when they were very young. Could be a pre-disposition to BPD due to their emotional sensitivity, could be outright abuse. I do not know if your wife had a difficult childhood, but if so, that is part of the process of her forming BPD in the first place.

Now, forming boundaries can be perceived as criticism, which in turn is perceived as rejection. People with BPD feel on many levels that significant others invalidate them and their feelings. That what they are experiencing is not taken seriously and you are being dismissive. This has its genesis in some type of deep, core self-esteem injury. it can also be a projection of something that happened to her when she was young. She may have been emotional when she was young and her parents did not take this seriously, or rejected or hurt her in some way.

So when you set up rules (which are boundaries) she can get angry. When she gets in that place it can be quite a challenge for you to maintain those rules and boundaries. You are human and you care for her. If she starts attacking you, and verbally tearing you down, it can take its toll. You want peace, for you and the family. So, it is tempting to soften your stance. When you are on the receiving end of her anger, it is very hard to accept.

Plus, here is the most challenging part. If she breaks those boundaries you must be prepared to act. In other words there must be consequences. If not, she will not respect any of it and still she is going to push back. I can not tell you what those consequences should be, i.e. leaving the marriage etc. That is up to you. But she must be challenged, respectfully of course, to admit she needs help and must try to make the marriage work by pursuing that help.

Even if this happens, it is still going to be difficult. I wish I can tell you otherwise. Personality disorders are framed around mal-adaptive beliefs and behaviors regarding people and environment. Every day occurrences can be triggering mechanisms that send things off in harmful directions. And there is no way of knowing if and when that happens.

And people who have BPD are prone to always blame others for these things. One therapist actually coined BPD as a continual thought stream of "It is your fault." It is therefore difficult to have mature and meaningful conversations when the other party is convinced it is you who is doing this.

In the end it will take a lot of love, a lot of patience and a lot of understanding. And it is a cliché, but it will be one day at a time. She also needs to do her part. Go to therapy and practice what she is advised to do.

I have been with my BPD husband for 6 years and feel hopeless......... I found out a short time ago he was diagnosed and did not tell me. Since we got married he has been acting out and is NOT the person I feel in love with. It seems like it happened so gradual, at first it was once in awhile, now its like, this is who he really is. I have read about the splitting, and the recycle. I can not wrap my head around why they keep coming back and giving false hope!!! Why does he hurt me? Some of what I have read and been told, is he is doing it just to make himself feel better. I know we can't generalize but do you guys think they tell you they love you, want to make it work, and then dump you the next day via text, just so they can destroy you? IF they can get better, how do we know when the person is serious? WHY is it getting WORSE????? For the first 3 years, when I pulled away, he would freak out and actually cared about loosing me. The last year, he just gave up, and left emotionally. I tried to talk, beg, fight, he was gone. Except for a bunch of lack luster hollow words. I could no longer feel him, and he wouldn't even give me the closure I desperately need!!!!! Everyone tells me he has lined up someone else, this crushes me. I made him move out, he still plays this game of wanting it to work, but it feels so phony. The story I have told myself: He cant't tell me the truth, he acted so horrible so I would do the dirty work of divorcing, and he has told family and friend that he wants to work on the marriage but I wouldn't. The moment I agreed, he sends me pictures of his wedding ring on his hand, calls me off the hook, ask me out everyday. I could not set myself up for another mental crisis. I refused and explained I could not trust him, he said he understood. We went to 1 session, and started to communicate. He called one night and I tried to share my feelings about my needs. He became so defensive and tried to tell me he did care about my feelings but was to immature, and that I was being insensitive to him. I told him I didn't want to be sensitive to someone that didn't have the capability to care about me or anyone!!!! Well that did it, he cussed me out and said he didn't care about me. I turned off my phone, the next morning I see a text 6:30 am he said he couldn't do this anymore, he was capable but I wouldn't allow him to be the man I needed. I tried to call him and he blocked me!! I became crazy again, called from my office and he answered annoyed. I said a stupid speech hoping to make him feel guilty. I have not heard from him, but am feeling rejected, stupid, and depressed AGAIN. What is this insanity, where did he go? This is a 6 year marriage????? NEED ADVISE

Hi everyone -- this is my first post. Been living with my BPD wife for 12 years, second marriage with a blended family. She's been in therapy for a while but I just really got the diagnosis in the past weeks and am trying to manage the situation. My biggest challenge is with my 18 year old daughter, who is a very bright and thoughtful person. She has been trying to manage her relationship with her stepmom along the way as well. My wife is extremely jealous of my relationship with my daughter, which is one of the greatest joys in my life. She will either overtly attack and demonize it or subtly try to drive a wedge between us. This has been the main topic of conversation when I've attended therapy with her, yet she continues to do it. Just today, while at work, I get a text from my wife asking if I was getting text responses from my daughter. I asked, what do you mean? Next message is "well -- that's fine I deserve it." This in the middle of an already busy and stressful work day. I responded can we talk about this later, after work? -- and got no response. Now I sit and worry stew get angry wonder try to work not sure what I'm coming home to. I don't know what she texted my daughter and didn't discuss it with my daughter yet, not wanting to try and control or manipulate the situation (a mistake I've made in the past). I know my daughter is very cautious and sometimes afraid to respond because so many traps have been set before.

Hello, Just thought I'd drop in here looking for one thing to help me keep putting up with my husband. I have spent the time doing stuff for him and he still looks at me like I am the last person he wants to see. Maybe I should take tomorrow off and go do something for me...

Hello all,
I have been in these forums before but in the non-Bipolar disorder SOFF group because of my then boyfriend. We broke up, and after three years got back together, as he also found out he had been misdiagnosed as bipolar and was instead BPD. That made a lot of sense, but our relationship has been far from easy. I am not an easy person to be with either, I'm opinionated and passionate, and he interprets my passionate arguing for a topic I care about for agression and trying to control him. He also misinterprets many things that I say, a compliment as patronising, a suggestions to talk to his ex- or close friends as me making a scene, and even my closing the door too loudly (which I often do) as me being agressive. Today we reached a new low and he suggested to break up, as he has done multiple times. The thing is that I get really thrown by his false accusations and paranoia about things I say and do, and I do not know how to handle it. I made the mistake of letting it escalate, but now I don't know how to de-escalate it. Any advice?

Hi edule,

I am probably the newest person here with a husband who hasn't even been formally diagnosed yet. However, I have 2c here so I'll give it to you.

What has helped to de-escalate my husband when he has done his lolly at me (read yelling at me with all his strength while clenching his fists) so far, is a combination of:

- time (I'm talking weeks rather than days)
- NEVER talking back to him
- NOT looking like I am feeling smug about whatever it is that set him off
- not committing any of the "capital offences" that set him off
- doing nice things for him (things that he would regard as nice, not what the rest of the general community would like)
- being alert for situations where he seems to want to find fault in me regardless (getting away from him/out of the house helps)
generally being an even bigger doormat than I was with hubby #1 (whom I left.)

asphinx wrote:generally being an even bigger doormat than I was with hubby #1 (whom I left.)

Isn't that abusive.it looks like you are being abused if you do that

Hey edule,

As you know well by now having a relationship with someone who has BPD can be difficult at times, though there are probably some traits you do enjoy (hence the going back, and trying to make it work). Likewise, despite his protests, odds are he is getting something out of the relationship too.

edule wrote:I made the mistake of letting it escalate, but now I don't know how to de-escalate it. Any advice?

May I ask, roughly (just the general overview) of what was said? Might help in providing some advice how to de-escalate.

sakura1 wrote:Isn't that abusive.it looks like you are being abused if you do that

Yea, even people with BPD need others to maintain boundaries. There are different ways to go about it, but no boundaries doesn't work.

Boundaries

sakura1 wrote:asphinx wrote:
generally being an even bigger doormat than I was with hubby #1 (whom I left.)

sakura1 wrote: sakura1 wrote:
Isn't that abusive.it looks like you are being abused if you do that

Yea, even people with BPD need others to maintain boundaries. There are different ways to go about it, but no boundaries doesn't work.

Boundaries - hmm, I guess staying up late at night is a boundary. It's a way to avoid him, partly to let him cool off and partly because I want to get something done for me. He has said that he doesn't like me staying up late, and then I persistently do it, so....there was some consequence about that.

Also, I am not likely to cook any elaborate meal, but he would not see that as a boundary as he generally (used to) do all the cooking.

Another thing I do is go out more, well before appointments if possible, especially if it shaping up to be "one of those days". And come home when it suits me. But I do the latter anyway.

I cannot talk to him as that really sets him off.

xdude wrote:Hey edule,
May I ask, roughly (just the general overview) of what was said? Might help in providing some advice how to de-escalate.

We were having a discussion about men and women in relationships, both with opposing views. It was not so much as what whas said, but that I raised my voice, that sets him off. He's British, I'm Mexican, in Mexico raising once voice when having a passionate argument is not necessarily aggressive. He has Italian friends who do the same and he gets very uncomfortable with that too. I raised my voice because he kept interrupting me, which in turn made me really upset. Even if I get emotional at anything else, like a movie or a tragic news on TV he gets really uncomfortable, but as I have told him many times, I can't just not have emotions, and so can't he. The problem is that he cannot view things from the perspective of others, his experience defines everything, and his experience is very biased because of his BPD. Like I tell him, he has terrible memory for everything exceptt the times we had a fight, and that creates his preception that we fight all the time, which we do not.