Non-Borderline Support thread.....

I have monthly meetings with a carers group due to the caring roles I carry out for my bpd partner.

But there are times I feel so isolated and alone.

I knew my partner was suffering the last few days and therefore as requested by him I give space. He has a tendancy to lash out verbally at me and by giving him space I am less likely to be a target.

But today I had a barrage of texts whilst at my work. I know that if I respond I make matters worse so I took a step back but that only meant I didn't care. Called every name under the sun. I seperate the illness from who he really is and I know he does't mean it but its never easy

I don't know how to cope some times and I never respond with vicious or horrible ways - I really really love him and I want to help. But I don't always know how.

So he said he was blocking me so I tried although it was hard to leave it be, work my day, get home and go from there.

Got home and his bedside drawers, pictures, glasses, cups, anything that was on his side of the bed was smashed into smitherins and on the stairs. He had clothes and glass strewn every where. There is no holes in the walls of the stairs and a big hole in the bedroom.

Again a lot of name calling when I calmly asked him if he was hurt and ok so I walked away and cleaned it all up. Aparantly any fixes is up to me.

I've been here before and I know that in a few days the guilt will set in and he will apologise but I feel like I am giving him so many chances. I've put having kids on hold for him until he is working again and feels well. We've been going out for 20 years as of end of April and we are on holiday for 2 weeks soon. I am already picturing disaster and not sure how I am going to cope.

The beginning of this thread is very sad. It reminds me of when I asked my best friend for space and time to remove myself from the relationship for awhile and improve myself and come back a better person. He couldn't let me be by myself in peace, he simply turned up the engagement and drama one notch at a time. So much for trying to have ones own space to reflect and process peacefully even if ones point of view is one of pain hurt and confusion it is ones own reality worthy of respect...the drama making and inability to see what damage was being done is what drove me to conclude I needed to step away for awhile.

I will say this forum has been helpful and I appreciate it very much. I do not believe BPD are evil or bad or malicious in any way, the emotional processing is very special. It is like interacting with someone from a different time and cukture, there are many mishaps and misunderstandkngs that will take place.

I think in my own experience my best friend can love sincerely and deeply, there is not someone in there behind the drama, it is just him. He expresses his care for me by shutting himself off so he can shut off the damage and drama. This confused and hurt me, but I see that he is capable of protecting me and loving me this way even at his worst, I think he is good hearted.

He may struggle with this for a long time as he recognizes the consequences but still cannot manage himself in the moments of emotional turmoil.

So I guess my point is we should expect our special loved ones to react angrily and defensively to our own hurt and pain, our own desire to have a free and independent space because it may make others feel guilty and invalidated and as if there is something other than expression happening here.

At the same time its not our job to tip toe around our special loved ones and we have no power over making anybody else feel guilty or invalidated. That self empowerment works both ways. It may not come so easy to our special lived ones, so releasing them to their own path and journey whether good or bad may be best.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This might be an unusual post as I am asking for help of those without BPD, to tell me if I am misusing my friend. People who know me are going to be kind to me but probably not as brutally honest as strangers online. (Please don't take out any of your own personal frustrations on me though - all I am asking for is advice for my specific situation).

I have been feeling increasingly sad and anxious in the last couple of years. This might sound silly but - I stopped having crushes because I did not believe in love anymore. From then on, I have felt my "self" disappearing, like I was defined by this yearning to find true, pure love that would save me. But I have really given up on that.

During the last couple of months of college, I met this sweet guy. Well, I knew him earlier, but I hadn't really gotten to know him very well. We were at a party, and I approached him and he kissed me. I didn't like him, but I have been desperate to feel something - anything - and so I pursued him back. I lied to myself about it and I lied to him. I lead him on, but not consciously or maliciously. It only lasted a few weeks, since school had to end.

Eventually, he realized I did not really like him, got mad at me and blocked me. Then he unblocked me, and I thought everything was good (I don't know why I would ugh), but he blocked/unblocked me like 3 more times. This one time he said something super insulting by twisting a sexual habit I had confided in him into an insult. I was very angry. All my anger came out and I sent one insult after another. I have never done this in my life because I hold my anger in. He didn't even seem fazed. Then, I said something I regret to this. I said some really nasty things in this one message - and that he "deserves worse than killing himself..." I have never talked to anybody like this and I guess the pent up frustration just all came out on him. I feel shame in a toxic way, so I really have trouble telling how badly someone meant to humiliate me.

Anyways, after that he would mess with me a lot. This one time he made me wait for a text for a couple hours, and then said he was just ######6 with me, there was no text. Then I called him, crying, and he just laughed and said "see ya." Then he blocked me. I felt very guilty, because I felt like I had deserved it after leading him on. That he was showing me what it felt like to wait for something that would never happen (I told him earlier that even though I wasn't attracted to him initially, that I would be eventually. But I no longer believe that to be true. That has never happened to me - I have to like him from the beginning).

Anyways, after all that, he blocked me. And then later I had a friend ask him to unblock me because I really have no friends, have been going through a lot of anxiety and depression, and scary episodes in the last couple years - frankly I have lost much hope for my future. If things don't change I can't imagine holding on to any hope.

He agreed to talk to me (and said he won't be an asshole anymore), but I feel like I don't deserve for him to, given what I did to him. My view of myself, however, is distorted to the negative - which is why I am asking for an outside, unbiased opinion.

I am just jumping in here but I'm a newbie. Just found out that my family member was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 manic with severe psychosis. he is still being evaluated and will be facing criminal charges for recent activities including several acts of harassment. I was actually very surprised that he was not diagnosed with a coexisting PD in the cluster B. His behavior traits are off the chart cluster B. He is a compulsive liar, and is almost diabolical about destroying people who love and care for him just because they suggested that he has a problem (now confirmed) or refusing to help him destroy someone else. Also, we have not really noticed periods of depression. He seems to have two modes, somewhat normal and pleasant, or delusional and attacking everyone who gets in his way. Also read that BPD is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar. Can someone shed some light on whether bipolar disorder can have angry, violent behavior that mimic's ASPD or BPD? Thanks for your help.

I was going to make an original topic but my whole entire post got wiped out... thank you internet.

A brief summary would be okay about what concerns me the most...

I already expressed how I can't share her with someone else and can't even fathom to imagine her having sex with anyone else. She's told me that she's open to polyamorous relationships at this point. She's tried it before but it didn't work out too well for her. Our sex life was amazing at the beginning but it slowly deteriorated. I was wondering whether it was because of trust issues or the fact that we've just been constantly fighting. I asked her if it was because of the fact that she didn't find me sexually attractive and she denies saying that she didn't find anyone sexually attractive. She said one of the things that probably slowed down her sex drive was the fact that she didn't feel sexy enough or that she didn't find her body attractive. Mind you I always compliment her but it was nonesense to her in some way because I'm her wife and I'm supposed to say those things eitherway... at least that's how her mind worked.

I found out a few months ago that she's been posting provocative pictures on a private account, wanting to seek some other sexual partner preferrably a man, and has been flirting nonstop with this one guy named D. Apparently she's also been doing herself whenever I was away for work and would even be happy that I was so she can use her "toys".

I was obviously devastated and hurt by this because of the fact that I expressed solely that she never cheats on me and that I don't want her posting photos of herself in which she continually told me before that she will never do because she didn't want to get exposed. But now that it was out of the bag, she wanted people to like it so maybe she could like her body more. As to her flirting with D, she gave me multiple answers on multiple occassions including feeling more accepted and appreciated by him; attention; and more so of a "i dont know". She said at first that she was guilty of being caught but not more so of what she did but realized later on, 2 weeks or a month after, that what she did was actually bad and she felt guilty for it.

She even tried to use her BPD as an excuse as to why she did what she did and I told her that she was consciously doing it behind my back for a year now so it she can't use BPD as an excuse.

Now that we're moving to a different place, my insecurity rises and I don't know if it may happen again or if anything physical was to happen this time, because that whole thing was just online. I asked her if she wanted her private account back but with limitations to try and amp up her sex and she didn't want to for the fact that she couldn't trust herself and that the same thing may happen again, or even worse. She's said that she wanted this marriage more than anything so she gave up all those just to keep the marriage.

Even so, I'm still worried. What is really going on her mind why we haven't had it in a while? I do know though that even if she said that they've met before she met me, internet history shows that they've known each other in the middle of our relationship.

I wonder what actions should I take. I don't even know if most of the things she tells me is real or a lie. She knew how to lie and learned how to manipulate people into believing what she says or her stories in general. Now I don't even really know the person I'm with.

For now, I do hope she's getting better treatment at the new area and will continually do seek the treatment because from what I read, BPD can be treated but it takes years of doing so.

Katy9591 wrote:Eventually, he realized I did not really like him, got mad at me and blocked me. Then he unblocked me, and I thought everything was good (I don't know why I would ugh), but he blocked/unblocked me like 3 more times.

I'm going to start with my first impression, then go from there.
Coming from someone who (for lack of nicer, more respectful terms) has been a victim of an (undiagnosed) BPD abuser, YOU are the one being abused. The first clear warning sign was the blocking and unblocking, but then he continually contacted and bullied you, used your own insecurities against you, and took advantage of your loneliness.
Now, I'm not a relationship expert. But if someone had dated me because they wanted to feel something, I wouldn't be angry. It sounded like you were testing something and doing your best not to hurt him about it. You wanted to be yourself again. Everyone uses others (respectfully) to discover themselves. The only thing wrong with this is when you purposefully manipulate their emotions to favor you. Then you aren't discovering yourself, but ensuring the outcome is the one you favor instead of allowing it to grow naturally.

But all of that is irrelevant. If all that you have said is unbiased and true, then he is manipulating your feelings and making fun of you. No matter what, it is more worthwhile to have no friends than to have one abusive "friend." Even if he said he wouldn't be mean to you any more, I think that's unlikely. It is always safer to assume that anyone who hurts you is not going to change that behaviour. People who are abusive need to be watched carefully before investing in the hope that they'll get better. Otherwise you'll be hurt incredibly.

I think it's an incredibly encouraging sign that you decided to reach out to the nons to make sure you weren't doing something wrong. The fact that you are willing to listen to others means you're doing a great job. I think it is for the best if you ditch this guy. You are worth more than to deal with his mistreatment.

itsarollercoaster wrote:She said one of the things that probably slowed down her sex drive was the fact that she didn't feel sexy enough or that she didn't find her body attractive. Mind you I always compliment her but it was nonesense to her in some way because I'm her wife and I'm supposed to say those things eitherway... at least that's how her mind worked.

It sounds to me that her confidence is suffering and she was using other people online to boost it. The problem is that if you don't believe what other people say, then you won't feel confident when you're complemented. She needs to learn to love herself without another person's approval. This is a big step for any person and can be difficult, but nobody is going to be able to make her feel good as much as she can. You can love her all you want, but in the end she chooses whether or not she believes in that love. She needs to learn to believe in her own worth instead of relying on other's shallow words to prove it. I think you should sit down with her and ask her to be honest with you. Have a talk about what things you could try differently in the bedroom that would make it more exciting or pleasurable. Show her that you're willing to do whatever you can to show that you honestly, genuinely love her and want her to be happy.

I know it's difficult, but you need to be the strong one in the relationship that she can rely on. I got the impression that her saying she wanted this marriage more than anything was the truth. She's only cheating because she thinks that will make her feel better. She's betraying her own feelings. Show her that you have confidence in her and the relationship, even if you're anxious. I think this might help her feel better about the relationship to know that you want to make it work and believe it will.

Confidence in things outside of physical beauty can boost confidence in physical beauty. So instead of focusing on complimenting her appearance, compliment something else about her that you genuinely appreciate and admire. Try to help show her that while she is sexy, there is more to her than her body. The rest of her is just as important and amazing. This way she might learn not to worry as much about whether or not she looks good. It will be a slow process, but I think it's necessary.

I have been married to my wife for 9.5 years and together for 11.5 years. We have two beautiful boys, whom are happy, healthy and love life. I am successful in real estate and she is a stay-at-home mom. I work hard, but have really lowered my hours since we started having kids 6 years ago. My wife drops the boys off at school at 8:30 and picks them up at 3:30 and has the rest of the day to do what she wishes (yoga, working out, shopping, lunch w/ friends, etc.) To the outside world and myself we are extremely fortunate and lucky to be where we are in life.

In June of this year that all changed. While paying the phone bill I noticed over 50 calls from my wife's phone to another number. When I confronted my wife with this she admitted to making the calls and that she no longer wanted to be married, because she felt trapped, expectations were too high for being a wife and the relationship lacked passion. We met with a therapist she again said she wanted "out". Seeing no other option I agreed and prepared the necessary paperwork for divorce and even met with a mediator.

When it came to signing the paperwork and moving forward she backpedaled and said she wanted to take it day by day and see what happens. Over the past 4 months we have had some of our best conversation ever and she has shared with me she feels lost inside, no purpose in life, need for more passion, under appreciated, sad, depressed and the list goes on. Looking back on our relationship I start piecing things together, such as; she always wants to feel validated and appreciated, which I have always done, but it is never enough. Also, she can never handle criticism of any kind, this could even be me trying to help in the kitchen (I would get, "don't worry about it, I know what I'm doing)". She says she wants more passion, pursuit and romance, but over the years the adventurous person I was in the bedroom has slowly been taking away by her rejecting me or taking certain acts away.

One day she is texting me "I love you, thx for working so hard for us" and the next she doesn't know if she is "In love with me anymore". One day she is asking me to have fun, spontaneous sex and a few days later if I pursue I get rejected. One day she wants to work on the marriage for us and the kids and the next she tells her Mom or Sister "she isn't sure why she isn't happy and how can she stayed married".

3 weeks ago I told her for my sanity and the kids, I couldn't take anymore of the ups and downs and maybe's and she needed to move out. She went into a category 5 meltdown and begged me to stay, to make it work and she would do anything. She made threats of moving away and leaving me and the kids and even made a comment about "why should she live any longer". She has been much better towards me and the kids, but I know she is still saying hurtful things behind my back to her family.

What am I dealing with here? Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation and how did you deal with it? From what I'm reading and being told this is classic borderline behavior, but I'm unsure because of the "I love you and I hate you" attitude. I called our therapist today, whom we have been seeing separately and told him I was going to file for divorce. He told me not to, because I would regret it. He told me to set boundaries with her and tell her she needs to see a therapist and do DBT therapy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Hello JREB,

It is a difficult situation. We can not diagnose her for you, only a professional can do that. We can only offer opinions and guesses.

The behavior you outline can be attributable to BPD. It is a common pattern of push-pull and black-white thinking. Always at the extremes, and never in the nuanced middle. This is what someone who has BPD deals with and these feelings are real for her. When she says she wants to stay, she means it. When she says she wants to leave, she also means it.

I know this is excruciatingly frustrating for you. But it is also very confusing for her. One day she realizes she loves you and the next she wants to run away. It is causing her as much pain and turmoil as it is for you. Many people who have BPD can sabotage good relationships, and families. This is not really a pre-planned intent. It is just her emotions and feelings overwhelm her, and she needs to act on those feelings. Many people who have BPD experience tremendous regret for doing so.

However, this is difficult for you as well. As you should not have to deal with the ever constant change. You have already proven yourself, as a man, as a provider and as a father. You should not have to continue proving it. It can make you unwell as you fight for some stability. This emotional roller-coaster, and constant sudden change can take its toll on any person. So, make sure you take care of yourself, and your children as well.

You have been married and relatively happy for a long time. If she has BPD it would have shown in her personality much sooner. Were there any clues beforehand? BPD is a rigid, inflexible, and non-adaptive Personality Organization. It does not just show up due to one particular event or act. While there can be periods of stability, in general terms her emotions and varying degrees she expresses them would have occurred much sooner.

I think the best solution is to sit down with your wife and ask her to see a therapist/Psychologist to determine exactly what is going on here. My personal opinion is to stay with your wife and see where this leads. If you were happy before for such a long time, then this will be worth pursuing.

Hi Mark1958,

Thank you very much for your insight. Looking back I definitely saw signs I just didn't know what I was dealing with. Last November, I actually started experiencing anxiety and depression myself for the first time in my life and now I know it was due to co-managing her disorder. I have been going to therapy weekly since and am much stronger and no longer have A & D. I also know this is nothing I did or did not do.

She has always been very sensitive to any type of criticism. To the point she would accuse me of talking down to her, which I would absolutely never do. She also needs to have the last word or be right, she definitely has very black and white thinking. What I'm most worried about is the Histrionic Traits she has, such as, needing to be center of attention, always be in good shape/looking good and doing off the wall things (like spraying one of friends in the face with breast milk when she was pregnant).

I can say she is no way as bad as most of the stories I read in this forum, but it has obviously gotten us to this point in our marriage today. Her Mom is so upset she has been going to therapy herself and cannot believe her daughter is even thinking of divorce with how lucky and fortunate we are.

I spoke to her doctor yesterday and he told me to have a clear plan with boundaries when I speak with her about addressing her disorder. It is very clear to everyone close to her that BPD is the issue we are dealing with. Any further ideas or insight would be greatly appreciated. Have a good day. Thank you.