Non-Borderline Support thread.....

em,
Don't feel guilty. She is obviously toxic. You did the right thing telling her to leave you alone.

Regarding the panic attacks- I can only suggest you see a therapist. It sounds like you have a lot of baggage to deal with.

Good luck to you.

Fishing-mad wrote:em,
Don't feel guilty. She is obviously toxic. You did the right thing telling her to leave you alone.

Regarding the panic attacks- I can only suggest you see a therapist. It sounds like you have a lot of baggage to deal with.

Good luck to you.

Thank you so much! But the problem is I know on some levels she still needs me, and she can never remember treating me badly, she denies it, she only remembers things in a warped way. And with her technically still living at home it's even harder.

And about my panic attacks, I've seen two different therapists and after the second one they got a lot better, I used to have several in a week but now it's only about one per month, so it's getting better, but when I get stressed or upset about things (like my sister) they get worse again.

Thanks for your help!

Hi em,
I suggest you go to [mod edit - link removed - xdude] and post there. You will get a lot more support as a non over there. Good luck
F-M

Hi im Bez.

I am an argumentative/debating person by nature so me being with a person with BPD is stupid. I know, but its abit too late now, I already love her and the 3 kids she has. So im screwed. My fiancee has decided to stop taking her 40 MG anti-depressants (Citalopram). Instantly, no slow reduction. Shes clearly more argumentative. It is normally when shes pre-menstrual she turns viscous but the last few days/week, we've argued alot more than our usual pattern of arguing. Yet im still the same person, personally if she was still the same person patterns in our stress/arguments wouldnt be too different, but lately it is. An example:

A guy knocked the door, my fiancees son answers but she tells him to tell the man that parents are not in, meantime she tells me to go to the door but i do not feel comfortable doing it, she gets abit vicious, the son decides to tell the man parents are in, she then persists in trying to get me to go to the door, i say no. I dont want to. She then goes to the door instead of her son telling the guy actually no parents in. She then walks to the door while calling me a wanker, vicious word in my opinion. After leaving the door, then starts snapping at me. Because i said in a louder voice so the guy could hear, tell him theres no ######6 parents in, as i genuinely am not a parent anyway. Due to this she snaps, be's horrible, im in the dog house. Yet in my opinion The son done just as much wrong as me, by not listening to his mother and telling the guy no one was in, i was also in the wrong by telling sam to again let the man know no parents are in. We were both in the wrong but she should also not of went to the door, as sam should of done what she said. She snaps and is horrible to me, yet is nice to sam. Its like no matter what if shes angry shes angry at me her fiancee all the time.

She always looks to blame me, i think ive never won one argument with her. Even if shes in the wrong she will blame me, she will do the things i hate just to annoy me, she will intentionally make me angry, like she wants an argument. Shes always defensive, always condescending towards me. If i tell her she needs to get back on the anti depressents, which i now realise is for the best, she will probably argue about it. Shes just being snappy too much, trys to put me in the dog house, and make my life hel for a day, like it gains something for her. Yet all its doing is making me feel like i need to get drunk. I am trapped in this situation, but my fiancee seems to think all the good times in between outweigh this $#%^ she does and how she makes me feel. She does not realise that our relationship goes bad, when her medication is cut down or pre menstrual. Because when she aint those things things our stable, and patterned, fine. Just lets hear advice. And not the advice of me trying to walk away from her rubbish, because thats impossible for me to do. How can I make her realise these problems are stemmed from her reactions, and how she see's things too serioualy

camcam wrote:Can I ask you guys a question.

How do BPD folks move on so fast? Do they ever think of their ex'es? Feel any remorse? How do they block you out so quickly and feel nothing? Is it fake? Are they really feeling less about you?

People with BPD are very different. I'm on my 3rd/4th year single since after my last breakup, and before that I was 2 years single, and before that again another 2 years single. If I were to compare that to a majority of people that's moving at a very slow pace. I'm over-sensitive, and dare say that I feel more than most, including feelings like love, after all, it almost borders psychosis, that's how much I feel, even though I don't necessarily show it. The reason why you don't see it show is because humans do not like to show vulnerability, and will do almost anything to escape pain.

If the person you're referring to is an escapist who uses sex to get over your relationship, you can bet that they're in pain. They're just trying to forget you, if only for a minute since you occupy their mind all the time (intrusive thoughts), and when you occupy their mind they're in pain. And it's not the bad things that's painful for them, it's the loss of the good things. Not that it makes your pain any more or less relevant. Your pain is just as relevant as theirs. You just cope in different ways.

It's easy to forget that we're all just human, especially when mainstream novels and movies have told us for the past 30 or more years that "some humans do not feel remorse, like sociopaths." Psychopath/sociopath are obsolete terms that are not used by psychologists anymore. It's fiction. There are no humans who do not feel remorse. Even people who suffer from blunted/flat affect feels remorse. It's very easy to say that there's "good vs evil" "black vs white" in this world, like out of biblical fantasy, but truth is, it's always more complex than that. It's understandable that we want to brush things under the carpet and go "they don't feel any remorse" when we're in pain, though. I truly understand it. I've done it myself.

I hope that you do not see my reply as "apologetic" (I don't believe in apologies; what's done is done), but that you may find solace in understanding.

Rigning wrote:

camcam wrote:Can I ask you guys a question.

How do BPD folks move on so fast? Do they ever think of their ex'es? Feel any remorse? How do they block you out so quickly and feel nothing? Is it fake? Are they really feeling less about you?

People with BPD are very different. I'm on my 3rd/4th year single since after my last breakup, and before that I was 2 years single, and before that again another 2 years single. If I were to compare that to a majority of people that's moving at a very slow pace. I'm over-sensitive, and dare say that I feel more than most, including feelings like love, after all, it almost borders psychosis, that's how much I feel, even though I don't necessarily show it. The reason why you don't see it show is because humans do not like to show vulnerability, and will do almost anything to escape pain.

If the person you're referring to is an escapist who uses sex to get over your relationship, you can bet that they're in pain. They're just trying to forget you, if only for a minute since you occupy their mind all the time (intrusive thoughts), and when you occupy their mind they're in pain. And it's not the bad things that's painful for them, it's the loss of the good things. Not that it makes your pain any more or less relevant. Your pain is just as relevant as theirs. You just cope in different ways.

It's easy to forget that we're all just human, especially when mainstream novels and movies have told us for the past 30 or more years that "some humans do not feel remorse, like sociopaths." Psychopath/sociopath are obsolete terms that are not used by psychologists anymore. It's fiction. There are no humans who do not feel remorse. Even people who suffer from blunted/flat affect feels remorse. It's very easy to say that there's "good vs evil" "black vs white" in this world, like out of biblical fantasy, but truth is, it's always more complex than that. It's understandable that we want to brush things under the carpet and go "they don't feel any remorse" when we're in pain, though. I truly understand it. I've done it myself.

I hope that you do not see my reply as "apologetic" (I don't believe in apologies; what's done is done), but that you may find solace in understanding.

I found this to be one of the most honest and non-opinionated post out there about BPD reactions to ending relationships. I agree (whole heartedly) that it's easy to say 'yes they feel less' or 'no all borderline feel more empathy than the average person' but that's not true. Just like a lot of us are accused of having a black and white thinking, this is a kind of b-a-w thinking that even professionals fall into. It's not so easy. Maybe she is in pain and wants to forget you maybe leaving you was so bad that she's done her best to block you out and is searching for someone else now, maybe she wants you to notice that she doesn't care anymore as a kind of revenge for the pain of losing you... It'd hard to tell and there are a hundred ways for people with BPD to act out their pain/rejection/hurt. It's never as easy as 'this' or 'that'. I'm sorry if my post doesn't really help you figure out why she's the way she is, but I hope it at least reminds you to consider that it may be a mix of things and not just one or another

Hi, I've posted here before but I'm pretty much at the end of my rope now. I've been in a close friendship with a Borderline girl for about 2 years. I'm a girl too and we have had sexual encounters with each other, flirt when drinking, overly close when not etc. It's very confusing for me because she just never discusses it all. After sex, it's like nothing has happened. If we kiss or hold hands when out drinking it never happened (though it happens a lot). I had a talk with her once about how physically close we are when sober and she blamed me, pushed me away, then pulled me back in again to similar patterns.

Besides that though we are very emotionally close. I would consider her the person who knows me best and I'm probably the same for her. She became very close to me very quickly too and was constantly contacting me to help her through various emotional issues. I'd say it was not a healthy relationship but spending lots of time with her we actually got to be good friends.

A few months ago, after breaking up with her last BF, she hit sort of rock bottom and scared me so much that I left work early and just lay in bed with her while she cried. I was the only person she told and she let me know I had helped her to get out of bed, helped her to eat, smile, and feel loved again. She said she was sorry for always depending on me and would try to never hurt me.

She pushed me away for a bit then we went on a trip together and, I felt, got very close again. Then we slept together (we hadn't done so in over a year).

Pretty much after that she REALLY started to push me away. She used to tell me about whatever problems she had and use me as her confidant. She's been trying to deal with everything on her own since breaking up with her BF. I understand she feels guilty for using me in the way she did, but I didn't mind helping her. I mean, if a person tells me they are depressed I will go see them. Now she says that she will talk to me again about herself when I stop worrying about her. Honestly I haven't been worrying about her but, the other weekend, she told me she was depressed again. So I encouraged her to go out with me and some other friends. She was very touchy with me and was being more open than usual about bisexual tendencies etc., kissed me and kissed other girls at the bar. But, at the same time, she would talk about guys she wanted to get with. Then she just left me there without saying goodbye. I had no idea why and I got very upset.

I messaged her about it and she said the same thing as usual- not to worry about her and that she doesn't have time to talk to me like before, that most people just want you to listen to them if they have some problem and not try to help them.

I've been very down all week because of this. If anyone can tell me what I should do or expect from her it would be so helpful. I'm at the point where I just wanna ignore her cuz I feel like she is using me. But I love her and she is my close friend, so thinking about losing our friendship is killing me

I'm currently in therapy after splitting up with a BPD ex GF. Although therapy is going well, we are doing a lot of inner child work, I still thought that she had sent me into some kind of depression. I've been in several long term relationships but the relationship with the BPD has been the hardest to get over, even though it was only 4 months. She totally threw herself into the relationship, she broke up with the guy she had lived with for 4 years after knowing me for just one week! She spent every spare moment with me and non stop texts/calls. Then after 4 months, nothing, she totally went no contact, our last day together we made loved, hugged, cried, talked and then nothing. It was so inexplicable. Now that I know about BPD it is making sense but its like she has a spell on me. I know she isn't a bad person but how much behaviour do you excuse because of the illness? Its been 3 months since we saw each other but I still have really bad days thinking about her, its like I've been hit by a bus and am still recovering. Thank god for this forum to know that I'm not the only one going through stuff like this. Hugs to everyone!

I have really wrestled with the question "do BPDs feel remorse" I saw my ex do some horrible things to people they supposedly loved, really rubbed their noses in it and I'm not talking about what she did to me. Its like they are so wrapped up in their world that they simply don't give a thought to how their actions affect other people. Only a BPD could answer that question but their actions certainly don't indicate that they care about other people.

beautyandbeast5 wrote:

Rigning wrote:

camcam wrote:Can I ask you guys a question.

How do BPD folks move on so fast? Do they ever think of their ex'es? Feel any remorse? How do they block you out so quickly and feel nothing? Is it fake? Are they really feeling less about you?

People with BPD are very different. I'm on my 3rd/4th year single since after my last breakup, and before that I was 2 years single, and before that again another 2 years single. If I were to compare that to a majority of people that's moving at a very slow pace. I'm over-sensitive, and dare say that I feel more than most, including feelings like love, after all, it almost borders psychosis, that's how much I feel, even though I don't necessarily show it. The reason why you don't see it show is because humans do not like to show vulnerability, and will do almost anything to escape pain.

If the person you're referring to is an escapist who uses sex to get over your relationship, you can bet that they're in pain. They're just trying to forget you, if only for a minute since you occupy their mind all the time (intrusive thoughts), and when you occupy their mind they're in pain. And it's not the bad things that's painful for them, it's the loss of the good things. Not that it makes your pain any more or less relevant. Your pain is just as relevant as theirs. You just cope in different ways.

It's easy to forget that we're all just human, especially when mainstream novels and movies have told us for the past 30 or more years that "some humans do not feel remorse, like sociopaths." Psychopath/sociopath are obsolete terms that are not used by psychologists anymore. It's fiction. There are no humans who do not feel remorse. Even people who suffer from blunted/flat affect feels remorse. It's very easy to say that there's "good vs evil" "black vs white" in this world, like out of biblical fantasy, but truth is, it's always more complex than that. It's understandable that we want to brush things under the carpet and go "they don't feel any remorse" when we're in pain, though. I truly understand it. I've done it myself.

I hope that you do not see my reply as "apologetic" (I don't believe in apologies; what's done is done), but that you may find solace in understanding.

I found this to be one of the most honest and non-opinionated post out there about BPD reactions to ending relationships. I agree (whole heartedly) that it's easy to say 'yes they feel less' or 'no all borderline feel more empathy than the average person' but that's not true. Just like a lot of us are accused of having a black and white thinking, this is a kind of b-a-w thinking that even professionals fall into. It's not so easy. Maybe she is in pain and wants to forget you maybe leaving you was so bad that she's done her best to block you out and is searching for someone else now, maybe she wants you to notice that she doesn't care anymore as a kind of revenge for the pain of losing you... It'd hard to tell and there are a hundred ways for people with BPD to act out their pain/rejection/hurt. It's never as easy as 'this' or 'that'. I'm sorry if my post doesn't really help you figure out why she's the way she is, but I hope it at least reminds you to consider that it may be a mix of things and not just one or another

Hi There,

relatively new to the forum, i did just right a rather long post, but somehow i got logged out and lost the whole thing (should have copied before attempting to post). anyway i'll try and keep this one shorter.

I've just been completely and utterly blitzed by a border. all the classics, came on like hurricane, told me about a history of abuse on the 2nd date, told me she loved me by the 3rd.

she would cut and burn herself, tell me of frequent abuses at the hands of others. said she was abused as a child and raped as an adult. it sounds awful now but I'm not even sure how true this was. she was always in contact with ex's and talking to guys online, i once saw a text from a guy asking for a naked photo, she said he was a family friend always trying it on (I've never tolerated this behaviour in previous relationship so why i put up with this i do not know). the classic distancing behaviours - would disappear for days at a time, I'd receive abusive drunken phone calls explaining that everything was my fault during this distancing episodes. i was vilified to her family and friends and made out to be abusive, This resulted out of arguments she would passive aggressively instigate then quickly run off to others to inform them of my abuse once she has successfully got a reaction from me. This behaviour was repeated time and time again, I was always seen as the abuser and she played the perfect victim. to Clarify i never touched her, and i have a very high threshold for losing my temper and once i have its just words.

The times i did attempt to break things off, she pleaded with me to take her back and on occasion did the odd bit of stalking (turned up at my gym once, and would walk past my house at the precise time she knew i would arrive home from work).

all these behaviours played out for a nearly a year before she disappeared claiming i didn't love her and that the relationship was over because of me. Turns out she'd line up another guy, 22 year old guy who works in a coffee shop. i have my own IT company and not to be big head but I've never had an issue attracting women. I saw a pic of this guy and frankly at best you could say he looks different. She's 26 and appears to have latched on to the first guy who came along.

its been six weeks and she's off playing Romeo and Juliette with this new guy while I'm here completely devoid of any self worth, confidence or trust thanks to this women. i am completely broken, after six works i don't seem to be improving and i just can't find any logic in any of this. Any sense of remorse or guilt appear to be entirely absent in this women. she simply moved on without flinching or even looking back. i did receive a text saying "it was all a mistake and you'll find someone" the condescending tosh just added to absolute disarray.

it might be worth nothing that she isn't diagnosed BPD, it wasn't until my mum (who has a keen interest in Psychology) pointed out to me that it sounds like borderline personality, that i looked it up and the penny dropped. Everything fit perfectly. the self mutilation, lying, cheating, distancing, lack or remorse and so on and so on.

given my issues now with self worth and trust in any woman is it best to get counselling or will time heal my wounds?

is 6 weeks too soon to expect to start to feel better? right now i can barely function and i can't even look at another woman.

Is this whole ordeal likely to scare me indefinitely? right now I'm so confused. im trying to make sense of what happened but i can't see any.

sorry to go on.

Thanks

Dave.